Anti-gay marriage

[NotGotAClue1]

My finance and the father of my young child told me that he doesn’t agree with gay marriage, not being gay in general, just the marriage part. And that it would be better for a child to be raised by a man and a woman. I’m completely offended by this and don’t agree in the slightest. I think he is thinking like a dinosaur and needs to move with the times. He thinks we can have different views and move on. But this has actually changed the way I look at him. He isn’t religious at all which is making me even more confused at his strong views.

AIBU?

it sounds like you two may have very different mindsets. I would explore his worldview in general and if you feel the gap is too much, it is better to quit early if you feel strongly about your views....

obv there is a baby in the mix now, which makes it more difficult

personally I have some red lines and I would never consider anyone if they fall foul of them

Everyone is entitled to hold their own thoughts and feelings on matters but what they aren't entitled to do is hurt other people based upon those views.

It's not our place to police what people think or the values they hold, that is their right. However it is also our right whether we want to associate with people who hold such different views to ourselves. We can only control and alter our own behaviour.

There are people that b this thread saying that the OP would be wrong to do anything but respect his opinion. That it shouldn't matter. Why should she "respect" such an opinion?

I didn't find out my husband was homophobic until after we were married. He'd never mentioned it once but now he is very vocal about it.

Are you actually? I can't believe a gay person would describe the legal recognition of same-sex relationships as 'aping' marriage. To ape something is to imitate something in an absurd, unthinking or mocking way - absolutely not what someone with emotional experience of a same-sex relationship would think.

Are you sure you are you who say you are?

I get what you're saying. I suppose when I read "against", it translates to "actively opposed" in my head which makes it seem like you would would rather the option doesn't exist rather than "It's not for me, I think it's a flawed concept".

Because when we say respect an opinion, we really mean retain respect for the person holding the opinion despite vehemently disagreeing with them on specific issues. I strongly disagree with virtually all Tory policy but I can still be friends with Tory voters. I think organised religion is idiocy but don’t consider believers idiots just for this one aspect of their identity.

And people can consider male/female parents generally preferable for reasons that essentially have nothing to do with gay people - eg, a personal belief that it’s preferable that children are created naturally (or adopted). You might not agree with it but it’s hardly an extremist or despicable view, and certainly no more wacky than, for example, following the tenants of Christian or Islamic faiths which is considered totally fine.

@ChihuahuaMummy exactly.

I want to share values with the people I am friends or in a relationship with. I can't respect someone who thinks people should be restricted just because they are gay.

And to call it a "fashionable opinion " that might change back ignores 1) the UK used to put people to death for being gay and other countries still do and 2) this is part of a range of opinions that became "fashionable " in the last 100 years including "men can't rape their wives", "black people can sit down on buses even if white people are also on the bus", "you can't fire a woman for being pregnant " and "teachers can't hit children with sharp sticks." It's not fashionable, it's knowing better and doing better.

Me being against something, does not even vaguely mean that I wish to remove choice or "rights" from others

This is the root of my confusion- to me, this is exactly what being against something means.

People who are against abortion don't believe anyone should have the right to access it; there are plenty of people who wouldn't have an abortion themselves, but who believe everyone has the right to access it, and therefore they are not against abortion.

It sounds as if this is the way you feel about gay people getting married- you, personally, don't want to get married as a gay person, but you believe other people should have the right to. If this is the case, saying you are 'against' gay marriage is misleading, as most people would take that to mean you don't believe gay people should have the right to get married.

I am against bestiality- that means I do not believe anyone should have the right to do it. I am not against eating animals or their byproducts- I don't do it myself (I am one of those vegans you disagree with), but I believe people should have the right to do it if they want to.

People have opinions whether we like it or not!

An opinion is not a fact.

We cannot force opinions to change but we can force people to hide their opinions and possibly cause harm in secret.

Would it be ok for the OPs fiancé to hold that opinion if he were Muslim or Catholic or a member of a protected religious group who ban gay marriage or worse ?

I don't think that's odd. I can think of things that I'm against which I don't think I have grounds to remove the choice of others to pursue.

Swim-suit competitions, private schooling, Brexit, online gambling.

This bears no comparison to gay marriage.

The abuse of children is a serious crime that destroys lives.

Abuse is an action - not an opinion.

What a stupid post.

Of course he's "entitled" to hold bigoted views. No one is going to prosecute him for them. But it's not what the OP was asking and legality of opinion isn't the subject here. Her post was about how she now thinks worse of him. She's completely correct about that - if their child is gay, his opinions will be actively harmful to them.

And your post goes a long way to minimising that harm given that your point seems to be that actually, anti-gay views are just as legitimate as thinking gay people should be equal. Bollocks to that. My opinion on this subject is absolutely more right than yours or the OP's dick of a husband.

If he doesn’t agree with gay marriage tell him not to enter in one then. But to prevent others from doing the same is incredibly cruel. And weird

@graceinspace999 "Abuse is an action - not an opinion."

I only if you do it. Thinking it's OK is an opinion.

@graceinspace999 "Would it be ok for the OPs fiancé to hold that opinion if he were Muslim or Catholic or a member of a protected religious group who ban gay marriage or worse?"

Under those circumstances, the OP would not have been caught by surprise b his opinion and could have acted on it earlier.

In which of OPs posts did she say this?

So next you should ask him, if all that is true, why he doesn't believe in gay marriage. If he knows he should support his son, if his son is gay and wants to get married, why would he not extend that to other gay people?

And you should also ask him what other views he holds about gay people. Does he think they're real men? If he sees a gay couple on TV is he going to react with disgust, or crack a terrible joke, or witter on about the gay agenda?

Is he going to say his anti-gay marriage opinions out loud, in your son's hearing, at any point going forward?

If your son is gay the answers to all of these questions will strongly determine his happiness growing up and his relationship with you both when he's an adult.

Would it be ok for the OPs fiancé to hold that opinion if he were Muslim or Catholic or a member of a protected religious group who ban gay marriage or worse ?

No, I don't think religion should ever be used as an excuse for bigotry.

"Everyone is entitled to their opinion" works both ways, and when someone holds an opinion that you consider offensive and unacceptable, I think it's reasonable to openly take issue with it. When someone close to me holds homophobic opinions, I'm not just going to let that lie. If it was some stranger I just wouldn't talk to them, but someone close, it would make me lose a lot of respect for them.

https://theconversation.com/gay-rebels-why-some-older-homosexual-men-dont-support-same-sex-marriage-86205

If you dont like what I think, I could always switch "aping" to emulating which is (rather coincidentally) what some older gay men have called it.
Or you could take a look at some of the stuff coming up if you search google for "gays against gay marriage". Plenty of people there rejecting the heteronormativity element.
You might be horrified to discover that a group of lesbians have named it "Being Boring for a Blender"

And, if you want to question whether I am who I say I am, go ask MN to dig through my old posts and find out how many times I've said on here that I'm a gay woman, or referenced my female partner.

In fact, you're more than welcome to fire me a DM for my Facebook ID and you can go rake it yourself if you're that concerned.

I've been as clear as I can be.
Plenty of threads on here where people are against something but recognise the rights of others to do as they wish.
Other less controversial forms include dogs on sofas and vaping.
You don't have to be for everything that others do in order to recognise their right to do it.

It would be a deal breaker for me, honestly. If my husband and I disagreed on something as fundamental as this, I wouldn't have been able to marry him. having similar politics is something I feel very strongly about.

I am sure I have acquaintances that believe gay people shouldn't marry, but I would never be able to close friends with someone who believed that either. That gay people don't have the right to same marriage rights as me and my husband.

When you say you wouldn't let that lie, do you mean you would challenge the person you know about their beliefs and views?

There is also a difference between "I am gay and marriage isn't for me" - the same as heterosexual couples who believe marriage isn't for them - and "I don't think there should be gay marriage". The second means removing the right for everyone, not just yourself.