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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL

235 replies

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:13

I need some honest advice.

My brother & SIL got engaged a couple of years ago and married this year. I got engaged this year and my wedding is all booked and arranged for next year.

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger. My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it. It was embarrassing for me having people comment on how similar they are but I didn’t want to make my fiancé feel awkward about it.

Fast forward to their wedding, and my SIL’s wedding dress is really similar to the one I had already ordered & paid for. I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

My mum is the only person who has seen my dress and she said it’s fine, no one will remember her dress & compare but I can’t help feeling that I look like a massive copy cat especially with the rings too! I really don’t know what to do - it’s my dream dress but I’m worried I look silly with all the similarities. My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person and I find her quite formal and uptight which is another reason why I feel so awkward about the dress being so similar.

YABU - you look like you’re copying
YANBU - no one will notice

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 21/12/2023 17:23

AShiningThongOfAngels · 21/12/2023 17:20

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was

YABU for this alone (nobody will notice or care about the dress). I feel sorry for your SIL. Her wedding day, but you made it all about you.

Quite.

Sounds like you made quite an exhibition of yourself with your attention seeking, op.

stayathomer · 21/12/2023 17:25

I don’t think op’s response is ott if her relatives said they’re upset by the ring, then you find a dress and you pick it because it gives you goosebumps and now the dress has a different meaning. Op I think if the dress is at all returnable you should consider it- you don’t need to be paranoid that day

Goodlard · 21/12/2023 17:33

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:39

I didn’t think he was actually going to get the same ! It was just in the context of they got engaged first so as I’ve waited longer, you need to make up for it. It was a joke

Who laughed at the joke?

SerafinasGoose · 21/12/2023 17:34

The more MN wedding posts I read, the happier I am that we eloped.

FFS. Who needs this tedium in their lives?

WickDittington · 21/12/2023 21:02

@SerafinasGoose I’m just relieved I have a life in which heaving an engagement ring bigger than my sister-in-law’s isn’t a measure of my worth or the value of my relationship.

flowerchild2000 · 21/12/2023 21:10

I think you need to get a grip. Life is so much more than appearances and material objects. Touch some grass!

Southpoint · 21/12/2023 21:40

I could not get past the ring joke and turned into a judgmental bitch. How insensitive and unkind of you. Plus, your fiancé goes like a good little lamb and bought the bigger ring. 🙄

SandyY2K · 21/12/2023 22:13

Tbh, with the same ring, colour scheme and dress, it WILL look like your a copycat.

SerafinasGoose · 21/12/2023 22:44

WickDittington · 21/12/2023 21:02

@SerafinasGoose I’m just relieved I have a life in which heaving an engagement ring bigger than my sister-in-law’s isn’t a measure of my worth or the value of my relationship.

I barely know what my sister-in-law looks like, let alone her engagement ring 🤣

NumberTheory · 21/12/2023 23:16

SandyY2K · 21/12/2023 22:13

Tbh, with the same ring, colour scheme and dress, it WILL look like your a copycat.

But only to SiL, most likely, because virtually everyone else will have forgotten the details of SiL’s wedding by the time OP’s rolls round.

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 23:31

NumberTheory · 21/12/2023 23:16

But only to SiL, most likely, because virtually everyone else will have forgotten the details of SiL’s wedding by the time OP’s rolls round.

Show quote history

Nah , not to family or any joint friends, it was only this year she got married,

housethatbuiltme · 22/12/2023 10:04

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 23:31

Nah , not to family or any joint friends, it was only this year she got married,

Show quote history

Do you honestly think anyone really cares that deeply about other peoples wedding to think one of these ripped off the other?

It's a wedding 90% of the look very similar.

In the UK you basically have:

  • church, registry or registered venue (usually hotel)
  • dress (almost always white then lace) satin or chiffon and fitted or flared and sleeved or strapped or strapless... theres only so many combos
  • colors basically green, blue, red, pink, purple rarely maybe black or yellow/brown

Really things look the same pretty easily unless you deliberately break the mold.

If you wear a hot pink mini dress and your bridesmaid where pinstripe suits and your engagement ring is a black pearl then maybe you can say your SIL copied you if she does the same but just a same cut ring, long sleeves on a dress and the same colour in different parts of the spectrum... no.

To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL
AliceOlive · 22/12/2023 12:53

housethatbuiltme · 22/12/2023 10:04

Do you honestly think anyone really cares that deeply about other peoples wedding to think one of these ripped off the other?

It's a wedding 90% of the look very similar.

In the UK you basically have:

  • church, registry or registered venue (usually hotel)
  • dress (almost always white then lace) satin or chiffon and fitted or flared and sleeved or strapped or strapless... theres only so many combos
  • colors basically green, blue, red, pink, purple rarely maybe black or yellow/brown

Really things look the same pretty easily unless you deliberately break the mold.

If you wear a hot pink mini dress and your bridesmaid where pinstripe suits and your engagement ring is a black pearl then maybe you can say your SIL copied you if she does the same but just a same cut ring, long sleeves on a dress and the same colour in different parts of the spectrum... no.

Show quote history

It’s not the other people that OP needs to worry about. It’s the SIL.

Dinkydoo17 · 22/12/2023 19:02

You sound immature IMO. Just grow up and focus your efforts on something worthwhile and less self obsessed. Acting out at someone else's wedding is seriously selfish.

pineapplesundae · 22/12/2023 19:14

Conscientiously or subconsciously you are copying your sil. Stop it! Get a different dress and if possible exchange the ring. How would you feel if things were reversed?

pollymere · 22/12/2023 19:26

I had a relative attend my wedding. HE attended on his own. When he got married a couple of years later... Same colour scheme, same flowers, similar dress. I was the only person who noticed and I didn't say a word. I suspect his wife saw pictures of my wedding but I think she would have been mortified if she'd realised how similar it was to mine. On the dress front... People look very different even in identical dresses so I wouldn't worry too much.

Jeannie88 · 22/12/2023 19:57

Copying is a compliment?

Pepsi2001 · 22/12/2023 20:04

You sound extremely childish and hard work!

Wildefish · 22/12/2023 21:04

My DSL actually picked the exact same wedding dress as me, a few weeks before my wedding. When the boutique asked her name they realised that she would be marrying my brother. They talked her out of it. They told me when I went to pick up the dress. I phoned her the night before the wedding and explained as I didn’t want her to be upset during the wedding. She ordered a different dress. So communication and kindness is what is needed whether you like her or not!

nomadmummy · 22/12/2023 22:46

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 12:32

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day

This is such an ott response.

I 100% agree. Makes me question what may be exaggerated. If nothing else its very narcissistic.

CountessWindyBottom · 23/12/2023 03:59

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:41

If I could take back the joke I obviously would - I’m not delighted about having the same ring either

It clearly wasn’t a joke at all. And being barely able to hold it together at her wedding? FFS! 😂

I am assuming you are very very young and for some bizarre reason you are intent on a game of oneupmanship with your SIL who doesn’t seem to have done anything wrong bar get to the alter before you. If you don’t cop on to yourself and shake off your inner Bridezilla then you may not make the alter at all. If I was your fiancé I’d be totting up the myriad red flags in all honesty as this behaviour is just bizarre.

AliceOlive · 23/12/2023 04:05

some of these comments are so ridiculous! Of course many people make silly remarks within intimate relationships. It meant nothing and certainly didn’t mean “buy me the same ring but bigger!”

CountessWindyBottom · 23/12/2023 04:45

The OP comes across as incredibly intense so I don’t believe for one second that she entrusted her fiancé to simply purchase a ring. I, for one, am not convinced by her protestations and I think her copying/trying to do better than her SIL is all coming out. I’m fairly certain she chose the ring to make damn well sure the stone is bigger. And I think the very public melt down at her SIL’s wedding was a ploy at damage limitation as she saw the inevitable similarities and realised that people may notice.

It all sounds absolutely batshit to be honest.

laraitopbanana · 23/12/2023 08:34

YABU - same ring but bigger and similarly dress :/ refund and change?
if you noticed, she will too. Each one their wedding but you don’t want to be the second one and feel to be the copycat…

maybe wear your ring differently? On a necklace until you feel you can approach your future hubby and change it…? Find another dreamdress.

Good luck!

Goodlard · 23/12/2023 08:51

AliceOlive · 23/12/2023 04:05

some of these comments are so ridiculous! Of course many people make silly remarks within intimate relationships. It meant nothing and certainly didn’t mean “buy me the same ring but bigger!”

You think the OP let her boyfriend choose the ring......

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