To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL

[Purplegirly01]

I need some honest advice.

My brother & SIL got engaged a couple of years ago and married this year. I got engaged this year and my wedding is all booked and arranged for next year.

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger. My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it. It was embarrassing for me having people comment on how similar they are but I didn’t want to make my fiancé feel awkward about it.

Fast forward to their wedding, and my SIL’s wedding dress is really similar to the one I had already ordered & paid for. I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

My mum is the only person who has seen my dress and she said it’s fine, no one will remember her dress & compare but I can’t help feeling that I look like a massive copy cat especially with the rings too! I really don’t know what to do - it’s my dream dress but I’m worried I look silly with all the similarities. My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person and I find her quite formal and uptight which is another reason why I feel so awkward about the dress being so similar.

YABU - you look like you’re copying
YANBU - no one will notice

I think you're reaction / behaviour at her wedding was disgraceful, making such a show that people were asking if you were OK.
You will probably look like you copied her yes. I hope you've apologised to her for trying to make her day all about you.

Yes I would notice all those things - the ring and the dress. Some people won't.

Why did you keep the engagement ring? I am sure they had a returns policy if you didn't like it. You could probably ring them now and see if they will exchange it.

Your SIL's dress, sounds like you had a bit of a drama on their wedding day, which, TBH, is out of order. You said that your skirt is different, which may be its saving grace.

You do have agency to change stuff........... or not. Stop letting things happen to you.

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day.

Seriously this is ridiculous. If this is how you react over a dress you are going to find life very very hard in future. Bloody hell, you certainly enjoy drama don't you? you are making this into something huge and why were you "joking" about having a ring bigger than hers- what's that about? Sounds to me like you are in competition with her.

You sound like hard work to me OP. Nobody will give a shit I'm sure.. but if they do, yes, it will look like you've copied her as you're always a step behind what she's doing. Agree with the PP saying it sounds like you admire SIL.

You are very strange and definitely unreasonable for saying you wanted a bigger ring and not being able to hold it together for your own brother's wedding (regardless of your feelings towards your SIL) over a dress. Plus the similarities with the colour scheme?? Seems like you DO want to upstage or copy your SIL no matter your excuses. Doesn't seem like the "bigger ring" comment was much of a joke if your fiancé - who should know you well enough! - took it literally.

Keep the dress, it's not something you should be worried about.. SIL is ridiculous if she causes drama over a dress.

Nobody will give a shit, she's more likely to remember you acting weird on her wedding than anything. Time to grow up a bit!

I have to say, from the moment you described your 'joke' about the size of ring you 'expected' from your fiance, you haven't covered yourself in glory. Barely kept it together at their wedding; not a word about your brother in all this, only your SIL; it's all about you. I think the competition with your SIL is mainly in your head, and I don't think you like having any.

Don't know what I'd advise to someone like you: I don't think you'd take advice. I think you'd do whatever you wanted in the hopes that you'd "win", but are looking for people to tell you it's all okay and you're not doing anything wrong. Good luck with that. You started going wrong by even mentioning ring size.

A friend of my sister copied my wedding to the point of stealing photos of my flowers from a family album. My sister was furious… I was flattered 😁

Engagement rings’ differences are so subtle that probably you are worrying for nothing, the only thing they may have noticed is that the stone is marginally bigger (and therefore more likely not to be a diamond) so nothing to worry about there unless…..

If your fiance created this situation by asking his brother the name and seller of the ring he got, I can see why the other couple may think you are a copy cat.

If the above is known to all the family, yes, YANBU to be worried about the dress. I would see if you can get a different one or modify the current one a bit so it doesn’t look as if you are computing with her, which I think you are as otherwise you wouldn’t have said to your fiance that you wanted a ring bigger than hers.

Computing? Competing meant to write)

It is totally unreasonable that you drew attention to yourself at their wedding in that way, it's extremely selfish to detract from someone else's special day getting upset over a dress situation. Added to the fact thay you "joked" about wanting a bigger diamond than your SIL it's not a good look. That sort of joke or thought wouldn't even cross most people's minds, it's so weirdly competitive and materialistic.

Sorry OP but you do sound a bit of a nightmare. The fact you got the exact same ring and didn't say "I'd love to marry you but this is the same ring SIL has so I'd prefer something different" plus the wedding dress being similar is definitely going to come across like you're copying her.

I think you’re overthinking it. Lots of dresses and rings are fairly similar because they come in trends. If you can I would just ring the changes where possible. So- if you your colour scheme is eg, light green and theirs was dark green either change it all together or accessorise differently, with say, pink flowers rather than white, black tuxedo rather than grey suits, different veil or headpiece/ hairstyle, and generally focus on a different vibe at the wedding, different menu, venue, place settings etc.
Just enjoy your day! If you’re really worried you could speak to her in advance and open up a bit (not about the bigger diamond though😆), it might be an ice breaker.

It really depends on how unique the items are? If she’s got a single brilliant cut diamond and a style of dress that currently fashionable it’s a totally different situations than if she’s got a more unique ring and a vintage wedding dress!

Add in the similar colour scheme and it's looking a bit odd.

What can you change or add to highlight the differences?

The thing is, even if most people don't make a connection between your engagement ring / dress and SIL's engagement ring / dress - there are 2 people that will.......... your DB & your SIL.

I am hoping your DB & SIL are not drama llamas (like you) and take it as a compliment, however, if they are likely to be offended why wouldn't you change some aspects of your wedding?

Do you want to stay amicable with DB / SIL?

You should have returned the ring immediately. And really consider changing your colour scheme now. Or yes, you are going to look very strange and like you are copying.

I'm mostly amazed that your partner was observant enough to be able to find you the exact same (but bigger) ring. I'm not sure my DH could even tell you what my engagement ring looks like, let alone anyone else's!

The comment about SiLs ring was pretty nasty and grabby OP. I think your DP sounds like he's lacking in social awareness given he purchased the same ring but bigger, almost to make a point to SiL and BiL. That's unkind and pretty passive aggressive.

The dress thing is fine, either change it to a different one or message SiL with a photo and say you'd purchased this in (earlier date than wedding) and it's similar to hers, would she mind if you still wore it. Chances are she won't.

You do sound pretty dramatic though 'holding it together all day' on SiLs wedding day would have had my eye rolling

People were probably thinking she was upset at her brother marrying the SIL - great impression to give off

Let me guess…your engagement ring is either a large solitaire or a trilogy ring? Or else it’s a large diamond surrounded by smaller stones?

those three options cover about 90% of all engagement rings bought in the last 5 years…

I could see the point if you went for an emerald or a ruby.

as for the dress - ivory and lace? Again 60% of dresses…long sleeved lace is everywhere the past couple of years ( compared to strapless 15 years ago).
if it’s a different style of skirt, I can guarantee you don’t look like your copying unless she objects to your special day being wedding themed!

Nobody will notice the similarity of the wedding dresses. Just style it differently - different veil, tiara, flowers, hair, etc. Guaranteed even her husband couldn’t tell you what her dress looked like beyond ‘white’ (even if it is ivory/cream/silver/blush - it’s all still white). Literally the only person who cares about your wedding dress is you.

Many a truth said in jest.

Your "joke" about needing a bigger ring was, I'm afraid, crass. How else would you imagine it would be understood by your fiancé, other than as "I actually do want a bigger ring but realise how tacky it is to say so".

As for the dress, just let her know when you chose/ordered yours, and hope for the best.

For the ring, I would probably want to change it. It really is awkward having the same design with a bigger stone - she'll be reminded of this every time she sees you.

Let me guess what will be your next thread: SIL picked the baby name we wanted!!!

Love it lol. Next post will be Every one thinks I'm copying sil because she named her baby Ashley and I'm naming m8ne Ashleigh but I'm not copying her she's unreasonable!

I get it.

When you're in the throes of your own wedding it's totally the most important thing to ever happen.

Trust me. I've been there. Had a huge wedding and I was involved in making sure every detail down to the place cards were perfect.

But believe me. No one else gives a shit about your wedding.

And once it's been and gone you won't care anymore either.

Take a deep breath now and realise it's really not that big of a deal, people get married every day and it's definitely not an issue to have a similar dress to someone.

I very much hope your SIL doesn't catch wind of your reaction on her day. As that is pretty crappy behaviour.