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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL

235 replies

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:13

I need some honest advice.

My brother & SIL got engaged a couple of years ago and married this year. I got engaged this year and my wedding is all booked and arranged for next year.

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger. My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it. It was embarrassing for me having people comment on how similar they are but I didn’t want to make my fiancé feel awkward about it.

Fast forward to their wedding, and my SIL’s wedding dress is really similar to the one I had already ordered & paid for. I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

My mum is the only person who has seen my dress and she said it’s fine, no one will remember her dress & compare but I can’t help feeling that I look like a massive copy cat especially with the rings too! I really don’t know what to do - it’s my dream dress but I’m worried I look silly with all the similarities. My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person and I find her quite formal and uptight which is another reason why I feel so awkward about the dress being so similar.

YABU - you look like you’re copying
YANBU - no one will notice

OP posts:
Southpoint · 21/12/2023 13:35

You seem competitive in an awful way. Have a talk with yourself and have a drama free wedding.

Userxyd · 21/12/2023 13:37

Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 12:29

Honestly, just find a different dress. The dress is for one day, she’ll be your sister in law forever.

Agree.
Change your dress. Massive faff but there's loads of nice ones out there so just get back on it and find a new one!
I'd be tempted to change the ring too unless that would look like a snub of her ring.

Walkaround · 21/12/2023 13:39

Hmm. That’s a bit weird. Are you sure your fiancé deliberately got the exact same style of ring but with a bigger diamond? Or did he just choose a ring he really liked? If the former, he really is a bit of a twat, but as you are nevertheless willing to marry him, you’re going to have to get used to that. Could you not have asked to return the ring and look for a similarly priced alternative together, to avoid unfortunate conclusions being drawn?

Personally, I don’t see what the issue is with similar wedding dresses, unless you are embarrassed about having similar tastes. “Similar” is not the same thing as “better,” after all, and the wedding is just one day, whereas the ring will presumably be on your finger all the time, so if it was only purchased to get one up on your sil’s ring, that is genuinely embarrassing in the long term.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2023 13:39

Many engagement rings and wedding dresses look the same!

Shouldershoulder · 21/12/2023 13:39

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was

How the heck are you going to cope if something truly awful happens? Seriously 🙄

AuntMarch · 21/12/2023 13:40

Their wedding was a year before yours, and you've already chosen, planned and purchased an almost identical colour scheme to go along with the almost identical dress and ring?

This is either BS or you are trying to get at her with the colours on top of the "coincidences". Of course it's going to look like you copied her. You have.

Notmetoo · 21/12/2023 13:41

Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 12:29

Honestly, just find a different dress. The dress is for one day, she’ll be your sister in law forever.

She says she has already ordered and paid for her dress when she saw her SiL dress.
OP I really wouldn't worry.
There are only so many different designs in wedding dresses it just means your tastes are similar.
If it bothers you mention it to her.
But honestly you have the right to wear a dress you like.
The Niger engagement ring was insensitive by your Boyfriend but also I wouldn't worry about it now

AuntMarch · 21/12/2023 13:42

I do call Bull though- no way there's a man out there somewhere "really upset" about his sister having a bigger ring than the one he bought. And neither would any rational human "struggle to keep it together" to the point of people noticing because a dress has a similar neckline.

If I'm wrong, you all need therapy.

Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 13:43

RandomButtons · 21/12/2023 13:11

Not that simple with wedding dresses. A lot of them are made to order and paid for up front. OP could easily have already spent £1000-3000 on the dress, that’s too much for most people to “just buy a new one”.

Show quote history

OP hasn’t said it would be impossible to change it.

At this point it’s get a new dress or feel weird / awkward on the day and risk having a bad relationship with SiL

GalileoHumpkins · 21/12/2023 13:43

Once you've seen one wedding dress you've pretty much seen them all IMO.

Charlize43 · 21/12/2023 13:44

I think your mum is right. Most people don't even notice the dress, worry that the catering and drinks are top shelf at your wedding as that's what most people remember and will comment on.

Tooshytoshine · 21/12/2023 13:44

All rings and wedding dresses are pretty similar.

You are over thinking it. If you like it, wear it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/12/2023 13:44

Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 12:29

Honestly, just find a different dress. The dress is for one day, she’ll be your sister in law forever.

This.

People may not notice the similarity on the day, but when they see the wedding photos they most certainly will. And as it is likely that a number of the guests will have been to both weddings and will have their own photos, it won't go unremarked.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 21/12/2023 13:45

Is this really a problem? The ring and the dress are just materialistic details. What should matter most is the marriage and the life long relationships you will have with your new family members.

It sound like you are both more similar that you realise, same tastes in rings/dresses and same worries about ‘copying’.

Instead of letting this build into something it doesn’t need to be, speak with her openly and honestly about your fears and concerns. Use it as a moment to strengthen your relationship.

Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 13:46

The other option is to just show SIL a photo of your dress and say hey look this is the dress I’d already paid for before, I think it’s similar to yours so I wanted you to know ahead of time that it wasn’t deliberate. She might be fine with it.

NoCloudsAllowed · 21/12/2023 13:47

I couldn't bring myself to give a fuck about any of that

piscofrisco · 21/12/2023 13:48

Change your colour scheme at least. Then speak to her about the dress to give her a heads up. And tbh I'd think the ring thing was dick behaviour in as much as I thought about it at all. What was your DP thinking? Has he no sensitivity at all? Weird and off thing to do. I get that bit wasn't your fault obvs.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 21/12/2023 13:48

@Purplegirly01 if you're still going to wear the dress (and you should, it was presumably your favourite that you tried on etc) then I reckon telling sil beforehand is the way to go - and show her the receipt with the date you ordered it on!

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/12/2023 13:49

Most wedding dresses look similar anyway.
Can’t you (don’t you want to) change the colour scheme so that it doesn’t look like you are basing the whole day on their wedding?

Maybe you could communicate with SIL and say your dress is really similar. Bonding and all that.

BigBouncyBaubles · 21/12/2023 13:50

My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person

Except when looking for wedding inspo

IdealisticCynic · 21/12/2023 13:52

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 12:32

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day

This is such an ott response.

Agreed!

MargotBamborough · 21/12/2023 13:54

Does your fiancé know how you feel about the ring?

Could you talk to him and discuss exchanging it for a different ring which isn't a copy of your SIL's?

You could perhaps mention to your SIL that the ring comment was a silly joke, you didn't for one moment expect your fiancé to take it seriously and you would actually prefer not to have the same ring as her.

The dress is a tricker issue. If it's that similar then I think you might need to warn SIL in advance and explain that it was already ordered and paid for before her wedding and you obviously both just have very similar taste in dresses.

But beyond that, people don't own dress styles or colour schemes, and you shouldn't have to restrict your own choices about your own wedding just because she chose the styles and colours you happen to like for her wedding the previous year.

harriethoyle · 21/12/2023 13:54

You sound like a nightmare @Purplegirly01 I feel so sorry for your SIL

phoenixrosehere · 21/12/2023 13:55

Is this an issue to you because you don’t like your SIL and you have found that you two have more in common than you had thought despite you seeing her as uptight and formal?

Your focus on your SIL is odd when you’re not keen on her and the comment you made about her engagement ring was unnecessary.

If you’re going to spend the entire time worrying until your wedding and during about how similar things are to her wedding, just change things and eliminate the extra stress now while you can.

Baffledandalarmed · 21/12/2023 13:55

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger.

Why would anyone say this as a joke? It's a pretty sad/nasty/manipulative attempt at one. Surely no one would actually say that as a joke unless they are a massive bellend.

Tbh you lost me at this. Your poor SIL.