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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL

235 replies

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:13

I need some honest advice.

My brother & SIL got engaged a couple of years ago and married this year. I got engaged this year and my wedding is all booked and arranged for next year.

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger. My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it. It was embarrassing for me having people comment on how similar they are but I didn’t want to make my fiancé feel awkward about it.

Fast forward to their wedding, and my SIL’s wedding dress is really similar to the one I had already ordered & paid for. I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

My mum is the only person who has seen my dress and she said it’s fine, no one will remember her dress & compare but I can’t help feeling that I look like a massive copy cat especially with the rings too! I really don’t know what to do - it’s my dream dress but I’m worried I look silly with all the similarities. My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person and I find her quite formal and uptight which is another reason why I feel so awkward about the dress being so similar.

YABU - you look like you’re copying
YANBU - no one will notice

OP posts:
queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 13:56

BigBouncyBaubles · 21/12/2023 13:50

My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person

Except when looking for wedding inspo

a lil mean but so true🙂

lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 21/12/2023 13:56

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day.

It does rather sound like you found a way to make your SIL's wedding all about you.

pushbaum · 21/12/2023 13:58

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:35

Unfortunately the colour schemes are similar too - same colour but different shades

Well change your 'colour scheme' then?

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 13:59

People having to ask the op if she was ok, on her sil wedding day makes it clear she was looking for attention, trying to make it about her. There is no reason anyone should know otherwise.

I don’t know if she’s copying or competing. Possibly both.

But this sort of thing does happen when someone has very low self esteem, a lack of confidence, and is envious or in awe of another person, if it’s bad enough they can move to copying or competing. Although doing it for engagement ring and wedding is really grim.

I do wonder if it’s just the wedding and ring, of it the op is doing this in other areas, holidays, home furnishings, social events, normal dress style etc.

good on the sil and bil for not saying anything. I feel a bit sorry for the sil. And to be honest, I feel a bit sorry for the op. If you’re doing this then everything isn’t right. It looks like the op has realised everyone will know , and she’s now worried,

OneCup · 21/12/2023 14:03

You need to have a chat with her rather than let misunderstandings fester.

Seaweed42 · 21/12/2023 14:03

It sounds like you don't like the ring.

Get the ring changed.

If its a constant and daily reminder for you then look at getting the ring done in a different setting.

You can't live with an engagement ring that you don't like or that it reminds you of these issues.

Go to the jewellers yourself and find out what the options and explain to them what the issue is and that you'd like a modification and what do they suggest?

It's a big deal for you and that's absolutely fine.

But you need to find a voice for yourself and make your own decisions and find your own peace with those decisions.

Mirabai · 21/12/2023 14:03

I mean it’s a ring and a dress they’re all fairly similar. The former is DH’s fault and the latter is no-one’s fault.

If you’re worried you could always talk to her about it.

FairytaleOfKent · 21/12/2023 14:04

I wouldn't worry about the dress. You've already had a sour look on your face for your SIL's wedding. It's only fair that she has a chance to attention seek at your wedding, right?

It doesn't sound like you like your SIL very much and as you only really need to be cordial with one another at family gatherings, it doesn't really matter. Just get on with your life.

WickDittington · 21/12/2023 14:05

And to be honest, I feel a bit sorry for the op. If you’re doing this then everything isn’t right.

Yes you’re right there - I feel sorry for someone who has so little else in her life …

Look @Purplegirly01 get a hobby, or do some volunteer work, or get a better education, so that your life revolves around more worthwhile things than competing with your SiL about your respective wedding dresses.

It’s just a dress. You have a live to live - try to live it more richly than this.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2023 14:07

1- Engagement ring; My ring is actually a very popular style from the days of my engagement (36+years ago). I didn't care, it was classic then and is classic now. If it 'concerns' you that much, be sure you pick a different style wedding ring from your SiL or return the ring for something different.

2-The dress; I picked out my 'dream' dress only to find out that our NDN's daughter wore the exact same dress (our weddings were 5 months apart). Since our guest lists were just about identical (small town, lots of common friends), I found another 'dream dress'. If it 'concerns' you so much, pick another dress or have yours altered or redesigned.

3- The colour scheme: I had a Christmas wedding. Obviously my colour scheme was the same as probably 80% of the Christmas weddings back in the 80s, most brides chose either red or green back then. I didn't care, I kept my beautiful shade of Christmas green. If it 'concerns' you so much, pick a different colour.

Quit making your SiL's choices all about you.

spuddel · 21/12/2023 14:11

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was Drama llama and Bridezilla, great combo op!

Pinko1 · 21/12/2023 14:11

Im surprised you said you want a bigger ring than your SIL - i mean you might think it but why would you say it to anyone?

Hairyfairy01 · 21/12/2023 14:12

Surely you can change the colour scheme? Are you getting married in the same place as well?

GreenLight23 · 21/12/2023 14:13

There are trends in wedding dresses so maybe yours is a popular style? Are the lace sleeves ‘in?’ I’m not sure myself as when I got married everyone was wearing a strapless bodice. Unless you have both picked a very unusual style I’m not sure guests would notice. Your sil might do of course.

The ring situation is very embarrassing.

notlucreziaborgia · 21/12/2023 14:18

‘My sister in law thinks I’m copying her, because I’ve been copying her. I’m just devastated that it’s now really fucking obvious to everyone, especially because now our wedding dresses and colour schemes are ‘remarkably similar’. I did think everyone was buying the ‘oh, what a coincidence/mistake!’ act, but it turns out they’re not. Of course I have time to change the dress and colour scheme, but I have no intention of doing so. Unfortunately this means it’s going to be even more awkward, and I’m sad because SIL and everyone else is well aware that I’m copying her. Is there any way I can make myself look better and make them think I’m not? Not by changing anything though, and preferably not by blinding them all as that’s a little extreme (and I’ll only do that if there’s no other option). Thanks in advance’

JANEY205 · 21/12/2023 14:18

You’d get away with the dress if your ring and colour scheme weren’t copied (because they are lol).

My friends and I all got engaged and married within 2 years of each other and none of us have rings, dresses, weddings or colour schemes that could be described as similar or even very close and that’s with sisters in the group too!

I know someone irl who did get the exact same ring but a bigger version as her sister and we all think she is an asshole. People probably have thought it if your ring is the exact same eg the same ring from Tiffany’s. I’d have swapped my ring because why would I want my ring the same ‘but bigger.’

People are going to talk if you don’t change the colour scheme at least. The ring makes you look crazy honestly and your fiancé can’t be blamed because he went off your weird comment. People will know.

JANEY205 · 21/12/2023 14:20

GreenLight23 · 21/12/2023 14:13

There are trends in wedding dresses so maybe yours is a popular style? Are the lace sleeves ‘in?’ I’m not sure myself as when I got married everyone was wearing a strapless bodice. Unless you have both picked a very unusual style I’m not sure guests would notice. Your sil might do of course.

The ring situation is very embarrassing.

Yes there can be trends but 6 of my friends and I got married within 2 years and none of us had similar dresses! I think OP means her dress looks like her poor SILs dress! Otherwise neckline, sleeves, back of dress, cut and shape, fabric etc all vary hugely between dresses and it’s actually quite hard to get a dress that looks the same….

Belltentdreamer · 21/12/2023 14:22

Wowza - I couldn’t even tell you what my sister in laws wedding rings looked like

Lochness1975 · 21/12/2023 14:25

Similar engagement ring, similar dress, similar colour scheme, you must really admire your SIL!!!

dannyufcfan · 21/12/2023 14:27

Can't wait for the 'First, my SIL copied my ring and now she's copied my dress!' thread to pop up, next year.

Maisie2409 · 21/12/2023 14:29

If the engagement ring comment was a ‘joke’, I definitely think it had an element of truth to it!

I’ve been on the other side of this with SIL and it wasn’t even subtle. She wanted me to send pictures of my engagement ring from different angles, messaged my husband to ask the size of my diamond and then wound up with same ring with a bigger stone (albeit a fake one!). Many other instances of copying, trying to one-up me, but that one stands out the most…

Please don’t be this SIL!

piscesangel · 21/12/2023 14:31

BigBouncyBaubles · 21/12/2023 13:14

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

Eek. Like one of those people who posts a vague Facebook status about how 'you can't trust anyone' but refuse to elaborate in the hope of getting lots of 'u ok hunni?' style concerned replies. Yuck.

Completely agree with this - the whole ring and dress thing aside you were completely unreasonable to behave like this during someone else's wedding

Pigsinpainauchocolat · 21/12/2023 14:32

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 12:41

So when he gave it to you and it was the same, why not arrange to return it and swap it for something else?

This was my first thought too. I'd have instantly said oh it's lovely but it's too much like SIL, I'd prefer it if we go and picked something together that's a bit different.

I don't understand why you let this happen.

And being visibly devastated over a dress is ridiculous.

Mirabai · 21/12/2023 14:33

Lochness1975 · 21/12/2023 14:25

Similar engagement ring, similar dress, similar colour scheme, you must really admire your SIL!!!

It’s her partner who chose the ring, probably from laziness and lack of imagination. And the dress was ordered well before OP had even seen SIL - how is that any kind of homage?

HunterBidensLaptop · 21/12/2023 14:36

You've got plenty of time to choose any or all of these (already suggested) solutions:

A) Get the ring altered or exchanged
B) Get the dress altered or exchanged
C) Change the colour scheme

If you really don't want to do any of these, it's time to be really honest with yourself about why that is.