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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL

235 replies

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:13

I need some honest advice.

My brother & SIL got engaged a couple of years ago and married this year. I got engaged this year and my wedding is all booked and arranged for next year.

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger. My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it. It was embarrassing for me having people comment on how similar they are but I didn’t want to make my fiancé feel awkward about it.

Fast forward to their wedding, and my SIL’s wedding dress is really similar to the one I had already ordered & paid for. I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

My mum is the only person who has seen my dress and she said it’s fine, no one will remember her dress & compare but I can’t help feeling that I look like a massive copy cat especially with the rings too! I really don’t know what to do - it’s my dream dress but I’m worried I look silly with all the similarities. My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person and I find her quite formal and uptight which is another reason why I feel so awkward about the dress being so similar.

YABU - you look like you’re copying
YANBU - no one will notice

OP posts:
SummaLuvin · 21/12/2023 12:43

the way you describe the ring as having a 'centre diamond' I am assuming you have a halo style ring? These are super popular and have been for around a decade. This doesn't mean your ring isn't special to you, but it would be bonkers to assume that something so run of the mill has been copied. It would be like thinking someone had copied you for also bringing a Victoria Sponge to a bake sale when they are just popular cakes!

CrystalTitsBoss · 21/12/2023 12:43

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:41

If I could take back the joke I obviously would - I’m not delighted about having the same ring either

It's not the same ring. Yours is bigger.

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:45

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:39

I didn’t think he was actually going to get the same ! It was just in the context of they got engaged first so as I’ve waited longer, you need to make up for it. It was a joke

What? I can’t even understand how that crossed your mind, and your fiance clearly thought you were serious and are competing with her, as he’d not have bought the same ring with a larger stone. So even he didn’t know you were joking.

and honestly, gettting the same ring, looking miserable on her wedding day, or barely holding it together using your words then fronting up in a similar dress doesn’t look good.

even I’m wondering if you bought it after to copy her. I mean you must have bought your dress pretty damn quick after engagement as she only got married this year and you only got engaged this year.

Thetigerwhoatemyhusband · 21/12/2023 12:45

Bridezillas comes to mind lol

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:46

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:35

Unfortunately the colour schemes are similar too - same colour but different shades

What? There is no way you’d planned your whole wedding to this extent in the short space of her getting married and you getting engaged

Jessforless · 21/12/2023 12:48

I feel like it’s pretty obvious you’re copying her actually - and you clearly have a problem with her.

you’re sounding a bit of a nightmare OP.

Vitriolinsanity · 21/12/2023 12:48

Wouldn't you live to hear the SIL take in all this?

cardibach · 21/12/2023 12:49

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:35

Unfortunately the colour schemes are similar too - same colour but different shades

You’ve plenty of time to change this, so change it. You’re being a bit daft.

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:49

Jessforless · 21/12/2023 12:48

I feel like it’s pretty obvious you’re copying her actually - and you clearly have a problem with her.

you’re sounding a bit of a nightmare OP.

i agree, there is no way this is coincidental. And it’s creepy to copy someone like this.

Torganer · 21/12/2023 12:50

You’re being ridiculous, you’ve made her wedding all about you. Of course you can change your colour scheme, it sounds like you actively want your wedding to be like hers with a similar dress and colour scheme. It’s one day of your life compared to the rest of your life joining that family.

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 12:50

Ring - "hey fiance, this is identical to my brothers wife's ring which I feel a bit odd about, can we go swap it this weekend?"
Done

Dress - "mum, can you let me know if you think DB and SIL will think I've gone for the same dress as her? What do you think?"

Colourscheme - just change it.

SunshineYay · 21/12/2023 12:50

Did you choose and buy the dress before your SIL did? Did you see SIL's dress before you paid for yours? Why have you chosen the same colour theme for your wedding? Sounds like you're copying your SIL.

BeardieWeirdie · 21/12/2023 12:51

Make sure flowers and bridesmaid dresses are different, and that if she’s gone for festival/black tie/50s/country chic/Gatsby theme that you’re not copying that too. I can’t remember what my sister’s wedding dress was like, I doubt anyone else bar your SIL will remember. You could always adapt yours - shorten the sleeves? - if you think the dresses are too similar.

And try not to announce your pregnancy the day her baby is born.

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:52

What’s caused this op? Are you insecure in your own taste? In awe of her? Jealous of her?

Allofaflutter · 21/12/2023 12:52

Nobody remembers dresses. And 90% of wedding dresses are practically the same anyway. It’s fashion that drives that. Nobody will notice from your guests and sil wil just have to lump it.

Motnight · 21/12/2023 12:54

I really hope that you didn't make your SIL's wedding day all about you, Op...

FriedasCarLoad · 21/12/2023 12:54

I think you need to speak to SIL or write to her.

You can apologise that you've ended up with a similar ring and explain that B your fiancé knew you thought hers was beautiful and didn't realise it would be insensitive to get the same ring. And you didn't want to hurt his feelings by asking him to change the ring.

And you can explain that you had chosen your wedding dress and colour scheme before her wedding, and maybe show her the proof of this.

And you could think about other ways in which you could make your wedding less like hers. Maybe having flowers in a contrasting colour would make the colour scheme seem less similar? Maybe your veil/hair/accessories could be very different?

I can imagine making jokey comments about a ring. And it wouldn't occur to me to delay choosing a wedding dress and bridesmaid dresses until after someone else's wedding, just in case there were similarities. I'm not sure why some PPs don't believe you.

OrigamiOwl · 21/12/2023 12:54

If you were so upset that at their wedding people were asking if you were okay then you've been OTT

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 12:54

Allofaflutter · 21/12/2023 12:52

Nobody remembers dresses. And 90% of wedding dresses are practically the same anyway. It’s fashion that drives that. Nobody will notice from your guests and sil wil just have to lump it.

Pretty sure her sil, her bil, and her pil will all remember, as will, many other close people, you don’t remember actively, but if you see someone in pretty much the same dress, with the same ring and the same colour scheme, you remember.

PeppermintParty · 21/12/2023 12:56

Could you link to two similar, but not identical pictures of wedding dresses on the internet, so we can see how similar or not so similar they are?

museumum · 21/12/2023 12:58

I think you need to change your colour scheme. Sorry, but you can maybe get away with the dress (if your hair/accessories are very different) but not added to the same colour scheme. You'll just look weird. It's the disadvantage of doing this so close to their wedding, but you just have to suck it up.

Feelinadequate23 · 21/12/2023 12:58

OP if you're not close to her then does it really matter? if you're not keen on the ring then ask DF to change it to something different. Presumably the only cross-over in guests will be OH's family, so I wouldn't care about the dress unless you also have same body type and same colour hair - as then you might end up looking like a carbon copy! Maybe change the colour scheme now though, as you have time. At least of the flowers if you already have bridesmaid dresses.

HeckyPeck · 21/12/2023 12:59

I wouldn't notice the same colour scheme unless it's really out there or you both have a batman theme or something. I'm assuming different venues so it will look completely different anyway.

The dress sounds different enough with a different skirt and neckline that I wouldn't think anything of it.

The ring is done now and can't be helped! SIL sounds oversensitive and a bit mean to her husband to be complaining about the same rings but hers being smaller. There are only so many variations on engagement rings if you go for diamond.

SisterAgatha · 21/12/2023 12:59

Gosh I wish you were my SIL. It’s nice to have someone care about this. On my 40th my SIL booked the same lunch venue (like an idiot I told her where) at the same time, brought a 40 cake along and had her friends sing happy birthday to her, on MY birthday in MY venue (it was her birthday 2 weeks before).

she won’t accept any accusations of copying.

she could literally climb in to my skin and wear me as a puppet and not get accused of copying me.

do what you like. No one will notice unless it’s in the extreme 🙂

Barleysugar86 · 21/12/2023 12:59

I don't understand all the fuss at all. It never occured to me to compare my ring or dress with anyone? I can't even recall my dress all that much if I'm honest. Are you not adding a second ring to your engagement ring at the wedding? That will change the look a bit.

Honestly I'd just ignore it. Likely noone will remember the dress next year. And if SIL said anything she'd sound a bit odd herself- wedding dresses don't change much!