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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL

235 replies

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:13

I need some honest advice.

My brother & SIL got engaged a couple of years ago and married this year. I got engaged this year and my wedding is all booked and arranged for next year.

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger. My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it. It was embarrassing for me having people comment on how similar they are but I didn’t want to make my fiancé feel awkward about it.

Fast forward to their wedding, and my SIL’s wedding dress is really similar to the one I had already ordered & paid for. I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

My mum is the only person who has seen my dress and she said it’s fine, no one will remember her dress & compare but I can’t help feeling that I look like a massive copy cat especially with the rings too! I really don’t know what to do - it’s my dream dress but I’m worried I look silly with all the similarities. My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person and I find her quite formal and uptight which is another reason why I feel so awkward about the dress being so similar.

YABU - you look like you’re copying
YANBU - no one will notice

OP posts:
Luckygreenduck · 21/12/2023 13:00

I would change your colour scheme and make sure your hair/ veil etc. are quite different. The same dress can look quite different depending on how it is styled.
I am not sure it matter too much but it clearly matters to you if you are so upset. I would speak to your SIL about it as well to take away the worry about her reaction on the day.

maras2 · 21/12/2023 13:00

I wouldn't even notice the similarities, Not the sort of thing that bothers me. BUT. There will be many who will and will probably be 'team SIL'.
Sort it now to save a lifetime of argy bargy and ill will.
Good luck.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/12/2023 13:01

the lead time on my dress is 10 months

Christ, reminds me why I married in Vegas. This level of wedding aggro is madness - you could build a house - or make a new human - in less time!

Between the comment about the ring and the way your acted at her wedding, you sound like this is a thing so won't be able to pull off breezily genuinely not-copying. I'd look into changing the dress or it's going to blight the year and beyond.

PostmansKnock · 21/12/2023 13:01

I think everyone will think you are copying her. Confused Same ring, such a similar dress that you went to pieces on her wedding day and the same dress.

PostmansKnock · 21/12/2023 13:02

Whoops....same colour scheme.

RoseGoldEagle · 21/12/2023 13:02

No one will remember what her dress was like (other than her), and it sounds like they’re both fairly traditional dresses with some differences anyway. To be honest if a friend bought the exact same wedding dress as me- unless she actually wore it on my wedding day- I wouldn’t care in the slightest, why would I?! Like I’d be thinking ‘oh my GOD! I thought I looked amazing- and now- SHE looks amazing and it’s not fair!’ I honestly don’t get the drama. It’s just a day, you wear what you want and go for colours you like- it doesn’t have to define your whole personality.

The ring thing is odd- it seems a shame that you haven’t got a ring you love, regardless of whether it’s similar or not, or bigger or not, than someone else’s.

Hopefully you won’t really like the same baby names OP!

MercyIsEliminated · 21/12/2023 13:03

You were “devastated” because your SIL’s dress was similar to yours? And you were so upset at the wedding that people kept asking what was wrong? You must know that your reaction was absurd and your behaviour was ridiculously attention seeking.

Absolutely no one will notice any similarities between the two wedding dresses.

GreatGateauxsby · 21/12/2023 13:04

It will be really weird. Especially all the drama at her wedding with you being so upset people asked about it….
You will be perceived as totally weird as there too many similarities for it to be random.

things you can and should do….

You should pick a diff colour scheme….even if it costs you some money.

The dress is (unfortunately) the dress. You can however get an evening / wedding breakfast dress (like meghan markle did)

Also make sure your flowers are very different.

I’d also just say to your DP you don’t like the ring and you’d like to reset it
then reset your ring (if there is a halo remove it, if it’s white gold recast in yellow etc) it sounds like you don’t LOVE it anyway

randomusername2020 · 21/12/2023 13:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Removed at poster's request due to privacy concerns.

PossumintheHouse · 21/12/2023 13:05

You “joked” that you wanted a bigger ring, and then made a show of yourself at her wedding by being visibly upset to her guests? Jesus Christ.

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 13:05

HeckyPeck · 21/12/2023 12:59

I wouldn't notice the same colour scheme unless it's really out there or you both have a batman theme or something. I'm assuming different venues so it will look completely different anyway.

The dress sounds different enough with a different skirt and neckline that I wouldn't think anything of it.

The ring is done now and can't be helped! SIL sounds oversensitive and a bit mean to her husband to be complaining about the same rings but hers being smaller. There are only so many variations on engagement rings if you go for diamond.

Are you in a different thread? The op specially said the sil had never mentioned the ring, never mind moan about it 😂

BigBouncyBaubles · 21/12/2023 13:06

I'd definitely think you were in competition with your sister in law

MaggieNextDoor · 21/12/2023 13:06

You have time to change your wedding dress and sell your engagement ring for something unique and not a bigger and better copy of your sister in law's. People are going to think you are copying her and they might judge you unfavourably because of it. Change the colour scheme of the wedding too. Imitation is the biggest form of flattery but it's also creepy and ostentatious if yours is obviously bigger, better and more expensive.

Pinkdelight3 · 21/12/2023 13:06

The better reaction at her wedding would've been to seed it in a light-hearted way - "I love your dress - the one I've ordered is quite similar - great minds!" then laughed it off and enjoyed the rest of her wedding and then your wedding. The self-absorbness and angsting has made this a bigger problem.

tattygrl · 21/12/2023 13:06

How did your STBDH know which ring to buy to get an exact same version with bigger stone? It sounds like quite a lot of effort he'd have had to go to off the back of a jokey, throwaway comment from you. Did he ask his brother which ring he'd bought SIL?

Myhusbandearns150k · 21/12/2023 13:06

Of all the engagement rings in the world he picked the same one. That’s ridiculous

HeckyPeck · 21/12/2023 13:07

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 13:05

Are you in a different thread? The op specially said the sil had never mentioned the ring, never mind moan about it 😂

Show quote history

In the OP it says "My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it" so she obviously did moan about.

Highlyflavouredgravy · 21/12/2023 13:08

I call bs in this. Surely nobody can be this insensitive?

RoseGoldEagle · 21/12/2023 13:09

If you genuinely were in competition with someone though- you wouldn’t copy them, would you? You’d go for something you thought better? I don’t get any of this, am amazed some posters would think ‘wow OP must be copying her SIL- how sad’- why would it even be sad if she was?! I am so glad I don’t have this kind of drama in my life (or if people are thinking things like this about me that I don’t know it at any rate!!)

MTdazed · 21/12/2023 13:09

To be honest, if it's already bothering you then you need to change it.

Yes, it will look like you're copying her. Maybe not to everyone, but to some people at least, and it's your wedding day, do you really want anyone cringing for you that you're maybe trying to outdo them.

It is coming across a bit like that. Especially with the comment about waiting longer for the ring than her, your ring being bigger etc. It's all coming across a little tacky and sorry I'm sure you don't actually mean it to, but if I were you I would die at the thought of ppl thinking that's what my wedding was about. So I'd change colour scheme, and do whatever I could to make them different.

OhwhyOY · 21/12/2023 13:09

Couldn't you have returned and exchanged the ring? Pretty awful not to have, and for your partner to think it was OK to try to one up them.

I'd either swap the dress or if you're absolutely unwilling to do so then I'd call her up and apologise and just say you seem to have very similar tastes, but you honestly aren't trying to copy her. Expect her to be upset though. I'd also apologise for your behaviour on her wedding day and explain that you were feeling terrible about the dress situation, though again I'd expect her to be upset and agree with PPs that your reaction was very OTT. I think you need to make a real effort here to avoid coming off as a jealous copycat unfortunately.

Janieforever · 21/12/2023 13:11

PossumintheHouse · 21/12/2023 13:05

You “joked” that you wanted a bigger ring, and then made a show of yourself at her wedding by being visibly upset to her guests? Jesus Christ.

It’s just weird. I mean to be so upset people have to check your 0k at her wedding, to make such a show of yourself, coupled with everting else, the ring joke, that her fiancé though was serious, the dress, the him having to make up for the fact the sil got engaged first, the colour scheme.

I wonder why she’s doing it though,

RandomButtons · 21/12/2023 13:11

Thementalloadisreal · 21/12/2023 12:29

Honestly, just find a different dress. The dress is for one day, she’ll be your sister in law forever.

Not that simple with wedding dresses. A lot of them are made to order and paid for up front. OP could easily have already spent £1000-3000 on the dress, that’s too much for most people to “just buy a new one”.

FastBlueHedgehog · 21/12/2023 13:12

Wait until you've been married for 25 years and you will realise how utterly irrelevant your devastation is. FFS it's one day. Literally no one will give a shit.

Mary28 · 21/12/2023 13:13

I wasn't sure which vote made sense but do not let the wedding stuff get out of hand in your head. You cannot control what anyone says or does or thinks so let it go. Enjoy your dress, your ring, your wedding and your life. I know easier said than done but my point is, stop worrying about what people think and the things you can't control and have confidence in yourself and your decisions.