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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s going to look like I’m copying my SiL

235 replies

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:13

I need some honest advice.

My brother & SIL got engaged a couple of years ago and married this year. I got engaged this year and my wedding is all booked and arranged for next year.

I’d jokingly said to my now fiancé that I expected a bigger engagement ring than my SIL’s - unfortunately he took it literally and got
exactly the same ring, but my centre diamond is quite visibly bigger. My DB and SIL never commented on my ring at all, however I’ve heard through mutual friends that they were both really upset by it. It was embarrassing for me having people comment on how similar they are but I didn’t want to make my fiancé feel awkward about it.

Fast forward to their wedding, and my SIL’s wedding dress is really similar to the one I had already ordered & paid for. I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

My mum is the only person who has seen my dress and she said it’s fine, no one will remember her dress & compare but I can’t help feeling that I look like a massive copy cat especially with the rings too! I really don’t know what to do - it’s my dream dress but I’m worried I look silly with all the similarities. My SIL and I are not close at all, we are very different people and she’s not really my sort of person and I find her quite formal and uptight which is another reason why I feel so awkward about the dress being so similar.

YABU - you look like you’re copying
YANBU - no one will notice

OP posts:
BigBouncyBaubles · 21/12/2023 13:14

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

Eek. Like one of those people who posts a vague Facebook status about how 'you can't trust anyone' but refuse to elaborate in the hope of getting lots of 'u ok hunni?' style concerned replies. Yuck.

StolenCookie · 21/12/2023 13:14

Erm. I think the big mistake here is the ring. If the ring had been different then the similar dress wouldn’t have mattered. Your fiancé buying basically the same ring but with a bigger stone is really not a good look and comes across very tacky I’m sorry to say!

HeckyPeck · 21/12/2023 13:15

I've also just googled long sleeved lace wedding dresses and there are so many different styles. I really doubt anyone will think anything of it as the skirt and neckline are different.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/12/2023 13:16

The only thing you’ve done that would piss me off if I were the sil is being visibly upset at my wedding. WTF?!

RandomButtons · 21/12/2023 13:16

Honesty OP just get over it. A lot of wedding dresses are very similar. Just make sure you do everything else different. Add a belt or cap sleeve to dress. Wear different jewlery. Do your hair down rather than up if she had hers up. Pick different colours for bridesmaids and flowers. Use a different venue. Don’t let the men wear identical suits to your brothers.

It’s very very easy to make your day different. Unless there’s more going on here? Seems very OTT to be crying at someone else’s dress choice.

Mmmm19 · 21/12/2023 13:17

I think you are getting a hard time here. I can imagine someone making that joke in private and can also imagine some dopey unimaginative partner taking it literally (looking at you OH who goes to his sister and my mum and shop assistants to help him choose gifts and jewellery rather than listening to me). I can see how the dress could happen too- hopefully an honest conversation with your SIL will clear the air but it will depend on them as well as you approaching it tactfully

easylikeasundaymorn · 21/12/2023 13:18

To be honest I'm surprised that you didn't think to ask your SIL what her dress was like before you settled on yours, given by this time you were already aware of the issue with the ring. Surely its a normal question to check with another family member who is getting married at a similar time to you? In fact, asking about the dress is a normal question even if you weren't getting married yourself. Did neither you, your mum or anyone show any interest in SIL's dress over the many months between her choosing it and you choosing yours?? Did she not ask you about yours? It doesn't seem like you like each other very much!

Namenamchange · 21/12/2023 13:20

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:39

I didn’t think he was actually going to get the same ! It was just in the context of they got engaged first so as I’ve waited longer, you need to make up for it. It was a joke

I’m not sure it was a joke, not sure what’s funny about it. Sounds more like a put down.

However you are now in a situation of your own creating where you are copying her, you need to change some things up; tbh you are coming across as a little unkind.

WickDittington · 21/12/2023 13:21

YABU but not because people will think you’re copying but because your whole OP is really rather snidely nasty about your SiL.

You might want to reflect on why you feel a desperate need to compete with her and why your behaviour at her wedding was all about you?

BoredofBlonde · 21/12/2023 13:21

BigBouncyBaubles · 21/12/2023 13:14

I was honestly devastated and could barely hold it together on the day. Everyone kept asking me if I was ok but I obviously couldn’t say what the issue was.

Eek. Like one of those people who posts a vague Facebook status about how 'you can't trust anyone' but refuse to elaborate in the hope of getting lots of 'u ok hunni?' style concerned replies. Yuck.

100% this.

What a drama queen you sound. I dont even know you or your SiL, and I am on her side already.

Crumpleton · 21/12/2023 13:22

The more I read your posts the more I think you're not copying her but trying to out do her.

momonpurpose · 21/12/2023 13:23

Pinkdelight3 · 21/12/2023 12:31

Will sound a bit unlikely that you ordered your wedding dress for next year before she had her wedding this year. Not saying it's not true, but it would whiff of BS if she already has it in her head that you're copying her, which she could well have after the ring and then the dress.

Agreed. Between the ring and the dress it does look like you are copying her. Even if you are not. I think the dress will be the nail in the coffin as far as your relationship with your in laws go.

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 21/12/2023 13:23

Making a show of yourself at someone else’s wedding? What a nightmare SIL you are!

Everything has to be about you, doesn’t it?

You could still choose to change the dress, change the colour of your bridesmaids dresses and could have changed the ring too, but instead, you want your weird choices validating by strangers on the net.

Are you going to accidentally name your first born the same name as theirs too? 🤦🏻‍♀️

SwearyBetty · 21/12/2023 13:26

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:41

If I could take back the joke I obviously would - I’m not delighted about having the same ring either

Why didn’t you tell him when he gave you the ring you were joking?? I can’t believe you didn’t say a word and kept it and what about your actual engagement ring? Is that collecting dust? Do you wear both??

momonpurpose · 21/12/2023 13:26

WickDittington · 21/12/2023 13:21

YABU but not because people will think you’re copying but because your whole OP is really rather snidely nasty about your SiL.

You might want to reflect on why you feel a desperate need to compete with her and why your behaviour at her wedding was all about you?

It does reek of attention seeking and one up manship. The drama at the wedding is in excusable.

Catsandcuddles · 21/12/2023 13:28

Your dress sounds very generic, as does the ring. If you SIL had a bespoke ring that you blatantly copied/and or dress then that's different, but that's not the case here. If you like the same styles then what is wrong with that? Likewise for the colour scheme, if you have always wanted that colour scheme and really love it then stick to it, I wouldn't be changing it just because they had it. Nor would i change my dress if i had fallen in love with it, just because someone else had something similar. I've had friends get married in the same year with the same colour scheme as it was trendy at the time, I wore a purple bridesmaid dresses twice in the year. I have had friends who have worn very very similar wedding dresses - yes i remember what they all look like but guess what, nobody gave a toss. Your wedding day is about you and your partner, don't deliberately copy but if you have similar tastes and there are similarities then it's OK. However be prepared that people may or may not comment that you copied , as seems to be the theme on here

CheesusWept · 21/12/2023 13:29

You sound like a massive pain in the arse.

You hardly held it together at your own brother’s wedding over a dress? You sound like you enjoy drama. Grow up.

Previousreligion · 21/12/2023 13:29

Personally I would change my ring since you don't particularly like it anyway. If you liked it though, I'd keep it. Diamond engagement rings virtually all look similar anyway and I couldn't tell you what any of my friends or family's rings look like.

The dress will look different with a different skirt and accessories etc. Your Mum obviously doesn't think it's a problem and presumably a lot of guests won't be in common with SIL anyway. It's not a crime to have similar taste and I've seen a million dresses with lace sleeves and similar necklines.

I'd choose a different colour scheme.

ActDottie · 21/12/2023 13:31

You were barely holding it together on the day??? Really???

You’ve already got your dress you like it so wear it. It’s your wedding day.

Southpoint · 21/12/2023 13:31

Oh do not even worry about the dress. Most wedding dresses look the same for example for conservative people. I find bizarre that you a bit obsessed about it all. You started all of this with the ring and now it has backfired. Hopefully your sister in law enjoyed her big day in spite of your rudeness.

sweetpickle23 · 21/12/2023 13:31

Don't worry OP I'm sure you've already fucked her off by making her wedding day all about you. May as well go all in with the dress and the colour scheme.

TinselTitts · 21/12/2023 13:32

You ‘joked’ that you’d better get a bigger engagement ring than your SIL?

You must think some of us were born yesterday 🙄🙄

AliceOlive · 21/12/2023 13:33

If I were you I’d be especially nice to her, and even ask her for some help planning your wedding or ask for some specific help during the day.

And I’d tell her you that:
Your husband isn’t apparently not very creative thus he did copy his brother’s choice of ring. Don’t mention sizes!!!

That you two must have similar tastes because your chose such similar styles and colors.

macaronicheezepleeze · 21/12/2023 13:34

Purplegirly01 · 21/12/2023 12:36

Without being too outing, the dresses are both long sleeve lace, very similar neckline but the skirt of the dress is different

😂

I think you sound bloody precious and I can imagine what your SIL thinks. Stop worrying about it and get on with your life.

FirstFallopians · 21/12/2023 13:35

Sounds like everyone here needs to grow up a bit tbh.

The ring issue is unfortunate, but what’s available in jewellers is driven by trends and halo styles have been hugely popular for about 10 years at this stage. They’re the jewellery equivalent of crossover cars, chevron pattern wooden floors or grey/neutral interiors. DB and SIL spouting off to mutual friends about someone following the same very popular trend just sounds a bit silly.

When it comes to the dress, I agree with other posters that 99% of guests won’t make the connection, but it sounds likely that your in-laws will. You need to weigh up whether them potentially holding a grudge is worth wearing the dress.