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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

269 replies

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:37

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

OP posts:
WorriedMum231 · 21/12/2023 17:47

Is there a financial order in place?

If yours and DHs financial situation has changed dramatically she does actually have legal right to ask as your assets will also be taken into consideration. The idea being that DH is now more financially secure as he is in a relationship with you so could potentially pay more maintenance. I don’t agree with it, it’s not right imo nut unfortunately the courts would ask for the info.

NorthernSpirit · 21/12/2023 17:56

WorriedMum231 · 21/12/2023 17:47

Is there a financial order in place?

If yours and DHs financial situation has changed dramatically she does actually have legal right to ask as your assets will also be taken into consideration. The idea being that DH is now more financially secure as he is in a relationship with you so could potentially pay more maintenance. I don’t agree with it, it’s not right imo nut unfortunately the courts would ask for the info.

This is only the case if there is a signed consent order in place and it has a nominal spousal maintenance clause in it.

If the EW falls on hard times and the order does have a nominal spousal clause - she may go back to the court to request payment of spousal maintenance.

It is extremely rare for this to be awarded.

I know this as my greedy husband’s EW tried it. She was advised that ‘hard times’ would be examples such as she was confined to a wheel chair and unable to support herself. Not because she had seen we were living off two decent salaries and decided she wanted a part of that.

Absolutely none of the EW’s business and your earnings / money will never be taken into account with regards to child maintenance. I’m not sure why so many women on this thread think another women should pay for another women’s children.

Toooldtoworry · 21/12/2023 17:56

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 17:44

@Toooldtoworry

“All money when you're married is joint money.”

It’s not. You’re wrong.

Show quote history

I never said 'all money when you're married is joint money' Someone else did. I said only the non resident parents income/investments are taken into account for cms.

webster1987 · 21/12/2023 18:07

As others have said, nothing to do with her. He's given her all the answer she needs. His next response is if she doesn't believe him, she is welcome to go through CMS for maintenance

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 18:18

Toooldtoworry · 21/12/2023 17:56

I never said 'all money when you're married is joint money' Someone else did. I said only the non resident parents income/investments are taken into account for cms.

Show quote history

oh yeah sorry, it was @MsCactus

@MsCactus not all money is joint money when you’re married. I’m married and have my own money for example.

betterangels · 21/12/2023 18:21

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 11:12

Why would I care about the "stress" of her having to check with CMS? She's never given a shit about putting us under any stress in the past. She's asked him, he's told her. If she doesn't believe him she can go ahead and contact CMS to put her mind at ease.

Knowing her though I am certain it's less about the fact she thinks he's lying and more about the fact she just wants to be nosey and know where its come from.

Yeah, she could fuck off with that. You're not unreasonable at all.

funinthesun19 · 21/12/2023 18:25

“All money when you're married is joint money.”

And morally the money is ultimately OP’s. She’s the one who went through a medical trauma and she’s the one who inherited from someone close to her. Why the fuck should the ex wife benefit from the OP’s trauma and loss just because OP is married? From a moral stand point the ex should get nothing from OP.

Legally I have no idea what the “rules” are. But I can’t imagine OP being forced to hand over a penny when the money was given to her and all documents will say so. Maintenance is for the father to pay. Ex wives don’t get pay outs every time their ex husband’s wife comes in to some money.

HerMammy · 21/12/2023 18:40

I've had this, DP and I don't live together and his ex has previously commented on my finances and that they somehow should be benefitting her D.C.!! Eh no, I have my own DC

CoffeeCup14 · 21/12/2023 18:42

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 14:33

I think it’s a £7 per week reduction for each child who lives with the NRP, it’s hardly earth shattering. I’d argue it’s disproportionate to the NRP’s resident children. Apparently mine only cost £7 per week to run!

Show quote history

It's a proportion of the maintenance deducted for each child living with the NRP (up to three children).

The parent of those children may be receiving maintenance from those children's NRP, so it's very unfair - but I'm not sure there's a way to make the system fair given the number of different factors which could be in play.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 19:35

Honestly some posters here seem to think op should just hand over her inheritance and compensation money to the ex wife!
dream on huns!

ElevenSeven · 21/12/2023 19:40

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 11:10

It wouldn't achieve anything, but why put her through all that stress? Your DP can just tell her the source of the extra cash with no further details. It's really not that hard.

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Why should OP do her any favours? Grabby cow.

maddening · 21/12/2023 19:42

Yanbu, he can share his p60 with her to demonstrate his incomings

ElevenSeven · 21/12/2023 19:47

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 17:00

It’s evident who’s a first wife on here.

Always is. And the ones who believe that being a ‘mother’ means they are basically angels of the earth

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 20:12

@ElevenSeven in the beginning I tried to play the kind new wife until I got a text asking why I had bought MY son , (yes my own not her ex partners ) new football boots and not her 2 daughters new trainers.

I replied explaining he plays football and trains and they had holes in them and she replied with along the lines of “next time you should get all 3 something to the same value”.

I replied thank you DS is a size 5 when you buy your girls trainers next he prefers Jordan’s. Thanks

She didn’t get it.

(because she’s a thick entitled job shy witch but that’s a whole nother post ! )

ElevenSeven · 21/12/2023 20:15

@Forgotmylogindetails sounds depressingly similar! ‘Would ElevenSeven not like to contribute towards a hot tub for the DC (my DSC) at my house? It’s not very fair if you’ve bought them one for your house as they can’t use it every day’

Jog on, cheeky fucker

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 20:17

CoffeeCup14 · 21/12/2023 18:42

It's a proportion of the maintenance deducted for each child living with the NRP (up to three children).

The parent of those children may be receiving maintenance from those children's NRP, so it's very unfair - but I'm not sure there's a way to make the system fair given the number of different factors which could be in play.

Show quote history

It’s not it’s a flat rate per week per child.

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 20:18

@ConsistentlyElectrifiedElves OMG we had that about paddling pools. We bought ALL the kids one as they are with us every weekend and all summer holidays and she created about that she could only afford a cheap one.

funny can afford a bag most weekends. Again a whole new post !

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 20:24

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 20:17

It’s not it’s a flat rate per week per child.

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Ok it is - but they’re minuscule reductions.

TrashedSofa · 21/12/2023 20:27

YANBU to insist, but if you're not sure DH will stick to it then it might be best to come up with a cover story instead. Say it was an inheritance or something. Obviously better if DH could be trusted to hold firm in the first place, but you know him better than we do and you'll know how likely that is.

OhcantthInkofaname · 21/12/2023 20:31

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 14:16

And obviously if I do one day earn 100k a year or whatever, DSC will benefit from that at our house because they live here half the week practically. I certainly wouldn't also then be sending money to their mum as well from my earnings. Pigs would sooner fly.

Please invite us to the "pig flying party".

CoffeeCup14 · 21/12/2023 21:25

LetMeOut2021 · 21/12/2023 20:24

Ok it is - but they’re minuscule reductions.

Show quote history

I had a look at the Child Maintenance Service guidance on how they actually calculate the reduction, and I'd misremembered it slightly. They calculate the paying parent's income and then reduce it by a percentage which varies depending on the number of children they support. So it's not the payment that's reduced, it's the amount of income which is taken into consideration. This will obviously affect the amount paid. The information is here:

www.gov.uk/government/publications/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance

"We do this by reducing the paying parent’s gross weekly income by a percentage, depending on the number of children who they or their partner get Child Benefit for. We make:

an 11 percent reduction to a paying parent’s gross weekly income at Step 2 if there is one other child the paying parent supports
a 14 percent reduction to a paying parent’s gross weekly income at Step 2 if there are two other children the paying parent supports
a 16 percent reduction to a paying parent’s gross weekly income at Step 2 if there are three or more other children the paying parent supports"

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2023 21:25

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 14:14

Also, I've never been in a blended family situation so happy to be corrected - but surely the new partners wealth and earnings would be taken into account?

What if the ex wife married a billionaire? And ex H had more kids? Surely his payments would go down - in which case she is entitled to know about your financial situation too.

God no. Thankfully the law disagrees with you. Why would the earnings of someone who really has no responsibility for the children you have with someone else, be taken into account when calculating maintenance? Maintenance is between the two parents of the children. The two people who created the children and are responsible for them. If I got a new job tomorrow earning 100k (I wish), it wouldn't increase DHs maintenance in the same way it wouldn't decrease his payments just because she met a millionaire. Rightfully so. You're essentially making a third party responsible for paying for children that are not theirs. I have my own DC to cover the cost of thank you. Two parents should be able to manage the cost of theirs without my money.

Bizarrely though when those children go to university their maintenance loan will be based on household income including any step parents regardless of whether the step parent provides for them or not.
(Completely misses the point😂)

Grey rock it every time. Otherwise it will never stop

RobertaFirmino · 22/12/2023 00:04

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 15:07

Yes I do. As much time as you to be able to give a thesis on my posts

By the way goady isn't a real word.

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Goandboilyourownheadyoumardycow isn't a real word either but I shall still use it.

CwmYoy · 22/12/2023 07:10

Ignore the depressingly sad bitter and twisted posters, OP.

No rational person could think you were being unreasonable.

CoffeeCup14 · 22/12/2023 10:20

It's very hard being linked through children to people who are difficult, and to have information shared with those people because of the children. Sometimes it is necessary or unavoidable, in the interests of the children. Finding the balance and drawing boundaries is hard and there isn't always a 'right' answer.

I can understand why you want to protect yourself and your privacy and I think you're entitled to. Finding the way to do that which resolves the situation and reduces the likelihood of it happening again won't be easy but I jope you manage it.

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