to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

[tikkytakk]

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

If I got a solicitor’s letter telling me not to ask any more questions, I’d be SURE something fishy was going on. Who forks out for that if they have nothing to hide?

How old are the children? If the OP has had 8 years of this sort of thing, there can’t be all that many more years of dealing with the ex left.

Show DH this thread and tell him to man up. He's your problem, not the ex.

Absolutely do not tell her, it’s none of her business. The more you put your boundaries in now, the better it will be in the future. She will hopefully soon get the message and leave you alone.

Your dh should send her a message that says

'OP financial position is none of your business and I won't discuss it with you any further. If you continue to have doubts about the accuracy of my maintenance payments, can I suggest we arrange the payments via the CMS. This will ensure my salary is evaluated each year and adjusted as necessary.'

This.

And that if she doesn't shut up about it, then HE will go to the CMS and she'll find that her maintenance entitlement is less than he is paying. (He doesn't actually have to reduce it and I'm not suggesting that he does - just warn her that he could if so inclined.)

Her children are presumably benefitting anyway from the much improved home they now live in when with the two of you.

Why would you spend money on lawyers just to prove a negative? If the ex wants clarification she can pay the £20 or whatever it is to CMS.

Why do people think because a women has a child with a man she has the right to his business for the rest of her life.
as long as the kids are looked after , it’s nothing to do with the ex.
im A mum and a step mum and I couldn’t give a shit about what my ex is doing because it’s not my business unless of course he’s effecting the children.

Do people really think this stupid cow will drop it if OPs husband said 'It's from OPs parents'. Of course she bloody won't and if you believe she will I've got a bridge to sell you. And once she knows it's OPs money, and doesn't believe an appropriate amount has been spent on HER kids, you know the claws will come out, bitchy comments, comments to the kids about evil step mummy hoarding her money and not spending it on them etc. It's textbook.

The reason CF like this exist is because of the wet blankets bending over backwards to accommodate their demands on the basis of playing happy families. Because the only person who comes out happy in this scenario is the ex.

The notion is utterly baffling isn’t it? If it happened within a relationship it would be considered coercive control.

Oh I would have gone into such detail about how I was TTC 😂😂😂

If it were me I would be OK with Dh saying to ex "OP was given some money by her parents " especially if he is paying above CMS already. What I would not be so happy about is medical issues being discussed. Those to me are private and not for discussion with anyone the OP doesn't choose to share them with.

@LetMeOut2021

exactly right.

@HaddawayAndShite - that’s why I said up thread it would be sensible for the OPs dh to say that the money is the OPs, and it’s been spent on the house and her new car plus holiday she treated them too. A white lie like “a distant family member inheritance” would cover it.

while they are playing secrets about where the money has come from, the OP presumes because her dh has said the money isn’t his, that the ex will have worked out that means it’s hers, but that forgets there’s the option that it could be coming from his parents, or that they are racking up massive debts which could long term negatively impact the dsc.

The response would just be “but why did the DC not go on holiday”
“Does OP not see them as part of the family?”
”Does OP not want to holiday with them?”
”Theyre always left out”
better not to give details to manipulate.

Also, I've never been in a blended family situation so happy to be corrected - but surely the new partners wealth and earnings would be taken into account?

What if the ex wife married a billionaire? And ex H had more kids? Surely his payments would go down - in which case she is entitled to know about your financial situation too.

God no. Thankfully the law disagrees with you. Why would the earnings of someone who really has no responsibility for the children you have with someone else, be taken into account when calculating maintenance? Maintenance is between the two parents of the children. The two people who created the children and are responsible for them. If I got a new job tomorrow earning 100k (I wish), it wouldn't increase DHs maintenance in the same way it wouldn't decrease his payments just because she met a millionaire. Rightfully so. You're essentially making a third party responsible for paying for children that are not theirs. I have my own DC to cover the cost of thank you. Two parents should be able to manage the cost of theirs without my money.

And obviously if I do one day earn 100k a year or whatever, DSC will benefit from that at our house because they live here half the week practically. I certainly wouldn't also then be sending money to their mum as well from my earnings. Pigs would sooner fly.

You sound very worked up and wound up by very simple clarifications.

You must really hate the ExW

you obviously know the law, and what she is entitled to, so you also know YANBU.

She has SBS - sticky beak syndrome. I personally would enjoy the sport of her guessing and getting riled up with not knowing

Is that not obvious? Goodness me, OP makes it abundantly clear she does not like this woman in her first post. With bloody good reason too.

So what?

Your partner should apply to CMS and get them to do a calculation of his child support. It costs £10 to register. They will send him and his ex a letter telling them both what the payments are. After that he can pay her directly, it doesn’t cost anymore than than and they don't take anything off the payments.

It’s best to set it up on a direct debut so it’s never late.

Thats £10 well spent to get rid of this hassle out of your lives.

Well @tikkytakk CM isn't exactly fair, yes your earnings are not taken into account but he would get a deduction to his payments for your children.

I don't think people realise how shitty the system is. My sis has two children her x pays less because, he remarried and she has a son (of her own.) But she ears over 100K.

What OPs husband said covers it. End of. It doesn't need to be expanded on, it doesn't need to have lies, no matter how 'white', concocted to placate this woman. She has been told the money is not her ex's, she needs to move on. OP has very clearly stated she feels uncomfortable divulging any information to this woman so why should she have to say anything? Her feelings don't matter but the ex's do?

If the ex is SO worried about "spiraling debt", perhaps she can articulate that to her ex in a manner that shows concern for her children and not just demanding to know where the money has come from.

She’s clearly bitter OP, it’s very sad how many ex partners spend their energy trying to keep up with their ex’s lifestyle rather than adjust to their own reality.

My husband’s ex wife is a very low earner, whilst we are both high earners. DH pays high amount of maintenance and spousal. She spent many years trying to compete with our lifestyle despite not being in a position to do so, took her a few years to settle. We had to hide quite a few larger purchases and block social media because of the behaviour. My sdc used to ask frequently about my finances too, how much I earn, how much a holiday cost, how much our house is worth I always give vague answers eg. I earn enough, the holiday was expensive but we can afford it because we have good jobs, etc.

I wouldn’t share any information with her.

All you have tried to do throughout this thread is shut OP down at every turn. You're very worked up.
Are you ok?
You must really hate yourself to spend your time policing people in this manner. Sad.

I think it’s a £7 per week reduction for each child who lives with the NRP, it’s hardly earth shattering. I’d argue it’s disproportionate to the NRP’s resident children. Apparently mine only cost £7 per week to run!