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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to insist DH does not give his exp this information about me?

269 replies

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:37

I'll admit that I do not like DHs ex. She almost enjoys trying to make life awkward and difficult for us and acts entitled to time/money/information about us thats nothing to do with her or DC/ basically anything she wants from us whenever she clicks her fingers but they share DC so I've grinned and put up with it for their sake for coming up to 8 years now.

I have no contact with her aside from the odd hello how are you at drop off or pick up. I don't have her number, we've never had more than a two minute conversation etc.. just to give context.

Anyway, a few years ago I had a traumatic medical experience it was kept relatively on the down low and at the time the children didn't even know the real reason why I was unwell, just that I was poorly for a while. I recently received some compensation for this and also a small but not insignificant early inheritance from one of my parents and have spent it on a few things I.e. a new car for myself, a holiday for me and DH recently (which did not affect the time DSC were with us) and some other bits including a little work to the house that needed doing.

Ex has done her usual and demanded to know where DH is suddenly getting the money from and if he's come into some money he can be paying her more maintenance. He's simply replied with its not his money and she's said she doesn't believe him and asked again where it's come from. I've told him under no circumstances do I want my personal situation divulged to a woman I don't like and who's business it absolutely isn't.

Aibu to say he just needs to keep insisting it's not his and tell her it's none of her business. DH thinks if we just tell her she'll drop it. And she can make life very awkward and hard when she doesn't get her own way but I don't care, I'm tired of dancing to her tune whenever she demands it and this is my health and my business, nothing to do with the nosey so and so.

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 21/12/2023 14:34

Well... you could tell her that you've taken out massive loans so might have to review the maintenance... or you could say that you are making great money on OnlyFans and she should give it a go if she needs more money...

Personally I'd direct her to CMS and see how far she gets!

FestiveFruitloop · 21/12/2023 14:36

Canthave2manycats · 21/12/2023 14:34

Well... you could tell her that you've taken out massive loans so might have to review the maintenance... or you could say that you are making great money on OnlyFans and she should give it a go if she needs more money...

Personally I'd direct her to CMS and see how far she gets!

I'd be SO tempted to tell her OnlyFans! 😂

YouSayChorizoIsayChorizo · 21/12/2023 14:38

tikkytakk · 21/12/2023 10:52

He doesn't have form for dodging any money though that's the thing. We have the DC 3 nights per week and he pays maintenance over the calculator amount as per a private arrangement they came to.

I mean she's welcome to go to CMS and let them determine what his wage his and what he should be paying but she would be coming out with less. He's already told her it's not his, obviously meaning it's mine. She's like a dog with a bone. I don't want to divulge anything partly out of stubbornness I guess because I'm sick of her constantly thinking she's entitled to demand X Y and Z and gain information about us and especially me, that she's not entitled to.

It sounds like you and DP have both tried hard to be accommodating to ExP, to the point where she feels entitled to have her fingers in your life. Possibly with a bit of a divide-and-rule agenda.

She needs to see that the dynamic has changed and it's not only inappropriate but useless to pry into things that are none of her business. I agree with the broken record approach, and no explanations/reasons/excuses. Also I'd get DP to gently turn it back on her. "Can I ask why you keep asking me this?" Let her ponder that a bit and hopefully, with a change in tone, she'll realise she should treat you both with more respect.

The key thing is to remain calm and detached, and not be drawn into the emotional drama that's her comfort zone.

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 14:39

ElFupacabra · 21/12/2023 14:29

All you have tried to do throughout this thread is shut OP down at every turn. You're very worked up.
Are you ok?
You must really hate yourself to spend your time policing people in this manner. Sad.

Show quote history

Yes I hate myself.

You are a far better specimen of life, defender of the universe. You're not sad.

Cornishclio · 21/12/2023 14:48

You have asked him not to say anything to his ex and it really isn't her business so unless he goes against her wishes I don't see the issue. If he is getting grief from her then telling you is that so he hopes you will relent and allow him to break your confidence to get her off his back? Unfortunately this is the downside of relationships where one person has children with an ex. You can never entirely break clean and always have a previous partner in the background.

In your case if he tells her the reason for the money against your wishes and that it is yours I would insist on separate finances going forward and not keep him in the loop. He can't divulge what he doesn't know.

SemperIdem · 21/12/2023 14:49

I wouldn’t tell her either. She needs to get a grip.

MikeRafone · 21/12/2023 14:49

DH can tell talk to tikkytakk about the money and where it came from, then if she ask you

It was my money, I'm not justifying myself to you.

If you think my bank statements are your business tell my bank & see what they reply

If there is any query as to whether to believe you

you accusing me of lying?

Butchyrestingface · 21/12/2023 14:54

You have an easy way of nipping this in the bud. You don't have to tell her the details, but letting her know the money is yours from your parents and /or a policy that matured would make it stop.

Why would that np anything in the bud? The ex doesn't believe OP's husband, why on earth would she believe OP?

I'd let her go to the CMS and get a calculation based on earnings. Gird your loins for her continuing to insist HE must have improved his earnings and is just stashing all the filthy, rotten lucre away in an offshore bank account.

Butchyrestingface · 21/12/2023 14:55

@tikkytakk Do you think it's possible that your husband's ex posts on MN and has found this thread? Xmas Grin

NearlyMonday · 21/12/2023 14:59

GabriellaMontez · 21/12/2023 10:50

He needs to grow a pair. I appreciate this will be difficult at first. But who does he want to keep happy ? You or her?

Totally agree he should grow a pair, its none of her business. But we regularly hear of men who are happy to p*ss off their current wife, just so long as they keep the ex happy. God knows why.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2023 14:59

@tikkytakk

I agree with you that the ex should be given NO information. To tell her, even if DH tells a lie about where the money came from, will only confirm in her mind that she has a right to know your personal finances. She doesn't, so don't be setting that precedent or she'll be poking her nose into everything. In fact, IMHO she doesn't have a right to know your DH's personal finances, other than if he's had a pay rise to be sure she is being paid an equitable amount of maintenance.

Friedfriedplantain · 21/12/2023 15:01

@queenofallqueens maybe she feels passionately about this subject? Or can other women only be emphatic because they're full of hate?

Your repeated goady behaviour on this thread is distasteful. You must have a lot of time on your hands.

NearlyMonday · 21/12/2023 15:05

Avatartar · 21/12/2023 13:21

Get DH to copy a payslip to her and tell her to go to CMS if she doesn’t believe him. Perhaps consider seeing and getting a solicitor to write her a letter telling her to go to CMS and leave you alone which will probably fire her up, but also get her to stop asking.

Seriously????? I would NOT be doing this.

Daphnis156 · 21/12/2023 15:05

It's all very well, all the posts saying it's none of her business- which is right of course, but the weak link here, as I feel you're well aware, is DH. Indeed I feel he may tell her just to, in his way of thinking, shut her up. But you know this won't work, it will just need to more demands for information.
Furthermore DH may at first lie and say he'd not told her- when it will become plain he did.
Worse than telling her about the bereavement would be DH telling her the medical details- you'll have to make it totally clear that if he does this there will be consequences.

whynotwhatknot · 21/12/2023 15:05

my dh ex was like this when we moved in together-wanted to know my income back balance etc

he just laughed-she was convinced she had the right to know until a solicitor told her she didnt

queenofallqueens · 21/12/2023 15:07

Friedfriedplantain · 21/12/2023 15:01

@queenofallqueens maybe she feels passionately about this subject? Or can other women only be emphatic because they're full of hate?

Your repeated goady behaviour on this thread is distasteful. You must have a lot of time on your hands.

Yes I do. As much time as you to be able to give a thesis on my posts

By the way goady isn't a real word.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2023 15:21

NonPlayerCharacter · 21/12/2023 11:12

It's none of her business so you've no obligation to tell her beyond him explaining it isn't his money.

But I don't like your implication that he's being amazing for supporting his own kids or that if she went through CMS then "she" would come out with less. That money is for their children.

I don’t think the implication is that he’s amazing for looking after his kids. He has shared custody and a private maintenance arrangement over and above what CMS would decide, so there’s clearly no problem with him stepping up to his responsibilities . But it’s not up to OP to facilitate an increase in maintenance from her own money and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to suggest that if his ex thinks he’s hiding his own income then she can apply to CMS to sort it out, but that in doing so she risks a decrease in maintenance when they confirm he’s declaring everything he earns and recalculate what’s payable. She sounds a nightmare.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 21/12/2023 15:22

ManateeFair · 21/12/2023 10:45

Given that you barely know her, he could actually just lie to her and say that you had a lottery win. As you say, your finances are none of her business, but if he wants her to shut up about it, he could make something up.

Edited

Why should he make something up ???
He had already told her the truth !?
”It’s not my money”
simple
if he keeps saying this it adds on and it’s none of your business then she can’t get an in for info , and that’s best for respect of OP

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/12/2023 15:22

What is the issue though, other than the principle of it? Presumably you have told this to your DH, and he therefore (if he has anything about him) will not repeat the medical or financial details to his ex-partner. You don't have any contact with her it seems, and won't be having any so I would just get on with things and not let it become so diverting.

She can think what she likes and you can't stop her asking so may as well just let DH deal with it. How hard is it really to just say to her that he's already told her his own financial circumstances haven't changed, yours have (because obviously someone's have) and that she's welcome to get it recalculated if she likes but nothing will change because of that reason so she might as well stop asking.

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2023 15:28

OP did your DH get a clean financial break as part of his divorce ? If so, she can’t claim anything other than what she’s entitled to for their children. If not, then she may possibly have a claim on your inheritance if it was to benefit both you and DH. I’m not in any way sure of the legalities here, but hoping someone will be along who is, and can advise.

porridgeisbae · 21/12/2023 15:38

YANBU it's private to you.

porridgeisbae · 21/12/2023 15:40

What is the issue though, other than the principle of it? Presumably you have told this to your DH, and he therefore (if he has anything about him) will not repeat the medical or financial details to his ex-partner.

@dontgobaconmyheart The issue is the DH wants to tell his ex as he thinks it'll shut her up. OP rightly doesn't want him to.

Forgotmylogindetails · 21/12/2023 17:00

It’s evident who’s a first wife on here.

kimchio · 21/12/2023 17:44

If he tells her it's over. He will have proven where his loyalty lies.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2023 17:44

Toooldtoworry · 21/12/2023 13:12

The only persons salary/investments/other income taken into account for child maintenance purposes is the non resident parent. Ie NOT the spouse of as well. Therefore the resident parent has NO call on the spouses income/inheritance/etc.

Show quote history

@Toooldtoworry

“All money when you're married is joint money.”

It’s not. You’re wrong.