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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I don’t deserve to be called greedy and a thief for this?

600 replies

Lolabear38 · 21/12/2023 03:25

My daughter attends a dance class and has done for over 2 years. She loves it and to date we’ve had no problems or issues. It’s a small set up - one lady who owns it and runs the classes.

She held a Christmas party this year, we all paid $15 for our kids to attend which included a meal deal from a fast food restaurant. The restaurant has a loyalty scheme where you collect points for every order and then get money off future orders.

I volunteered to help at the party and was asked to go and collect the food - no problem. As I was leaving I asked the owner of the dance school if she had an account with the restaurant to collect loyalty points and she said, and I quote - ‘No I don’t have one. I never bother with those things.’ When I picked up the food I scanned my own rewards barcode - in retrospect maybe a bit cheeky but I figured as I’d asked already and the owner didn’t have an account, I may as well collect the points myself.

I got back to the party and while I was out the owner had been talking to one of the other mums about the rewards scheme and she decided she did in fact want to be part of it. She asked me for the receipt so she could collect the points later on and I said sorry, I’d actually collected them myself. She immediately got really angry with me, asked how dare I take them from her, she couldn’t believe how greedy I’d been and I was basically a thief! She also told me I should be ashamed of myself. Apparently she didn’t understand how the rewards scheme works and didn’t realise it could her her money off in future and I should have explained this to her?! This was all said in front of a few other parents who were at the party too. I was so taken aback - I think mainly because it was so public - I quickly collected my daughter and left. Now I’m home I’m mortified to have been so publicly shamed for something I didn’t think would be such a big deal. I also don’t know if I feel comfortable taking my daughter back to the classes after being spoken to like that.

I feel like I should message the owner and apologise for taking the points and explain why I didn’t think it would matter - as far as I thought at the time she didn’t want them and it was a ‘waste not, want not’ situation. But at the same time I think her reaction was really inappropriate (in front of so many other people) and also she had clearly said she didn’t even have an account anyway? I’d really appreciate some other perspectives before I send any messages! Thank you

OP posts:
TheGoogleMum · 21/12/2023 07:06

YANBU I'd have probably done the same. She should have asked you more about it if she was interested. Even if she had it isn't your job to sell the loyalty scheme. If she wanted the points she should have mentioned it when you asked or collected food herself. I'd take the points as a reward for volunteering.

Mystro202 · 21/12/2023 07:08

Wow you helped out and she's now calling you a thief over some points that she didn't want? She's the one in the wrong - how ungrateful and unreasonable. I would definitely find a nicer dance teacher.

Redburnett · 21/12/2023 07:08

The teacher was highly unprofessional, and behaved appallingly. In your position, and assuming your account of events is accurate, I would not apologise or speak to her again. Find a different dance class for your DD.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 21/12/2023 07:08

you should probably have asked her whether she minded if you collect the points as she didn’t have an account. If she’d said yes then she wouldn’t have had a leg to stand on. As it was you assumed it would be ok, you probably shouldn’t have collected them, but it didn’t need a dramatic public shaming.

kimchio · 21/12/2023 07:09

They were her points to waste really. I'd have asked her if she minded if you collected them.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/12/2023 07:10

I bought something for my workplace whilst I was in the Co the other day. If I'd had my Co-Op card on me I'd have thought nothing of getting the points. YANBU.

LolaSmiles · 21/12/2023 07:11

If everyone paid for their children's meal then the points weren't the dance teacher's in the first place.

You still offered and she declined.

It's very unprofessional of her to have an outburst like that. If I were another parent in the room I'd be put off by that behaviour. It would leave me wondering what minor thing in future would have her behaving that way towards me or my children.

Pushmepullu · 21/12/2023 07:15

I worked for a council and had a work credit card, one of the rules was that we could not collect any reward points when using the card. However, the OP scenario is different and I would have collected the reward. I would email the teacher and tell her you want an apology for her behaviour in front of others and tell her, as another OP pointed out, she equally should not have the reward as she didn’t pay for the food. Find another group for your daughter.

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 21/12/2023 07:17

If you’ve all paid to go to the party, unless she has massively subsidised it and funded the food, the points are actually more yours (and the other parents’) than hers anyway! She’s cheeky if she wants to get points for money off if she’s not even paid towards it.

Daffyaboutdaffs · 21/12/2023 07:18

You definitely should not apologise but I would message and I would ask why she felt entitled to the points when all the parents had paid for the meals. And also I hoped she appreciated my help by going to get the meals. And then I would say even if she did feel entitled I was very shocked and disappointed for making this such a big issue in front of other parents. Don’t make any stand or pull out of the class at the moment. Wait and see what her reply is and if she apologises.

LauderSyme · 21/12/2023 07:19

The dance teacher was well out of order. She shouldn't have spoken to you like that; what you did wasn't greedy or thieving.

I would take her to task - in a polite and measured way! - about her rude and unkind over-reaction. I might decide how to proceed re dd's dance lessons based on how the teacher behaves in response.

AnonyLonnymouse · 21/12/2023 07:20

She was entirely wrong to speak to you like that but unfortunately you weren’t really in the right to collect the points on food that had been paid for by others.

I know that lots of people do it (as per this thread) but it puts yourself on unsafe ground. Even more so if you’re in a workplace.

A while ago I had a work mobile that I was paying for and then reclaiming. I deliberately didn’t connect a loyalty card because I didn’t want any accusation that I was benefiting in some way.

Musntapplecrumble · 21/12/2023 07:21

You did nothing wrong, you checked with her, how are you supposed to check with all the others if it's time to collect the food? How dare she speak to you like this, publicly as well? And she the professional 🙄

KingsleyBorder · 21/12/2023 07:21

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/12/2023 05:17

Can you even redeem points at that store later on, I know you can at some with a receipt, but its not a universal thing.

If you didn't collect points, would they even be on the receipt even if you could redeem them later, some you have to ask for that, some not - so even if you didn't take them theres a good chance she would not have been able to. Did she ask you to get a receipt and hand it over before hand?

She is a twat. I would calculate the point value, divide it by the people who paid for food and offer everyone that back as they are no more her points than yours so fairest to split it between everyone...

And hopefully she'd see she's being a dick.

Redeeming is when you spend points, not when you collect them.

Judd · 21/12/2023 07:23

What was the alternative to the OP collecting them though? If, say, 10 parents had contributed to the food cost, surely OP wasn't expected to ask each one to hand over their loyalty card to get their 'fair share'?

Doingmybest12 · 21/12/2023 07:23

You should've just asked for the points for your daughters meal. Anything else and it was a chance to get away with points for food you'd not paid for. I guess it's how that sits with you for a few pence. Yes you volunteered but you didn't say I'll volunteer but can I have the points, the petrol money etc. She sounds very unprofessional though having a go at you.

Londonrach1 · 21/12/2023 07:23

Rude dance leader. You asked, she said no, you used your petrol to collect the food. Points would go to waste. This is you being employed as that's a no no. I'd find a new dance class. I bet the other parents not impressed with her toddler hissy fit. Not good for business.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 21/12/2023 07:27

YANBU. You offered her the points, she declined. They would have gone to waste had you not collected them. She has no way of knowing the place would have given her the points for a purchase before she opened up a new account with them anyway.

Wafflesandcrepes · 21/12/2023 07:28

You did nothing wrong. I wouldn’t go back if I were you and move to another class. Lots of snooty people in the dance industry and plenty of unhealthy behaviours. All the big dance schools are being pulled up for it in the UK at the moment.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 21/12/2023 07:28

As the money came from a collection and not the owner herself, the points never belonged to her anyway. If anything, they would technically belong to everyone who contributed l. In reality you wouldn’t be able to divvy them up in that way, not round the minuscule amount be worth it. So entirely fair enough you collected them, Op. you took the trouble to go. The owner was incredibly rude and I would be telling her as much and I wouldn’t take my daughter back there.

OhmygodDont · 21/12/2023 07:29

She’s crazy often these points systems are £1 - 1point and the 1 point is worth 1p.

Most people would have scanned their club card / nectar / loyalty card without a second thought and not everywhere lets you add on previous points either.

Crafty09 · 21/12/2023 07:29

You asked her if she wanted them and she declined. The points were no more hers than yours but would have gone to waste if not collected so I don’t see the big deal. She sounds like hard work. Is she likely to reflect on her embarrassing behaviour and apologise?

HarrietStyles · 21/12/2023 07:30

Do not apologise.

“Dear Dance Teacher,
I found your behaviour extremely unprofessional yesterday and I did not appreciate the manner in which you spoke to me in front of other parents and children. I take offence at being called greedy and a thief - I am neither. For clarity, I went out of my way to collect the food order to help you out but received abuse instead of a thank you for my efforts. As you well know, I asked you beforehand if you had a points card for the restaurant but you told me that you didn’t. I collected the points as I felt there was no point them going to waste.”

……And then it is your call whether you finish the email by telling her that your daughter will be switching to a different dance school (I would personally) or whether you are looking for an apology for her behaviour.

Swishyfishy · 21/12/2023 07:30

You did the right thing and offered her the points even though they really belonged to the wider parent group who provided the cash. She declined the points, so you took them which is perfectly fine. You kindly ran an errand for her, so it would have been nice to let you have the points.

Her behaviour was incredibly unprofessional that AND to do it in front of other parents too makes it worse. The public shaming was uncalled for.

Riverstep · 21/12/2023 07:31

If I was one of the other mums witnessing that exchange, I’d have thought the dance teacher was a nut job. Of course the person who goes to collect the food for everyone should use their loyalty card to collect points. Does she have form for being an idiot?