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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My car v his car

171 replies

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:12

AIBU

Last year my DH decided he didn’t need a car-we live a 15/20 minute stroll from his work. He cited affordability and that we could use ‘my’ car as needed-which I had/have no issue with.

This left us with ‘my’ car which I pay for -the monthly payments, insurance, repairs etc.

We use the car for school transport, and any other journeys. DH has full use of this car when I’m at work. He will also use the car to get to work on the days I’m working a late shift.

Earlier this year my shifts changed and there
are some days where I like to go to the gym, meet a friend, go shopping etc. I really enjoy being able to do this. I need the car on these occasions.

DH is claiming I’m selfish for taking the car on days he could use it to go to work. So, I would essentially not be able to go to the shops etc because he wants to use the car to drive to work-where it would remain unused in the car park.

I try to not organise things so he can take the car to avoid an argument. It really feels unfair.
I don’t go places every week but feel I should be able to if I want.

It was his choice to not have a car (cost).

AIBU to some days want to use my car to do thing I want to do.

OP posts:
Strictlymad · 20/12/2023 19:17

If he wants to pay half all the bills he can have more input on how it’s used- somerimes he gets it, sometimes you. If he wants free use of as car any day he gets his own. If he wants to pay nothing he only gets use with your permission and when you absolutely don’t need it.

TheSnowyOwl · 20/12/2023 19:19

I appreciate you say it’s your car and he sold his car but presumably, even if you have separate bank accounts, you both pay for your outgoings together and benefit as a household from savings?

Can you have set days that you go to the gym etc so that you can both work around it and he knows when the car is available for him to use and when it isn’t.

Do you now do more late shifts which has caused him to assume he has more automatic right to the car on those days?

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/12/2023 19:19

Well if he has decided he needs a car again he will have to get one won't he?

Spirallingdownwards · 20/12/2023 19:19

Tell him to get his own bloody car and that he can only use YOUR car when you don't need it whether that need is for work or social purposes as it is your car paid for by you.

Spirallingdownwards · 20/12/2023 19:20

TheSnowyOwl · 20/12/2023 19:19

I appreciate you say it’s your car and he sold his car but presumably, even if you have separate bank accounts, you both pay for your outgoings together and benefit as a household from savings?

Can you have set days that you go to the gym etc so that you can both work around it and he knows when the car is available for him to use and when it isn’t.

Do you now do more late shifts which has caused him to assume he has more automatic right to the car on those days?

🤣🤣🤣🤣DFOD

DPotter · 20/12/2023 19:21

So you're paying for a car which you can't use.

Time to stand up for yourself and for a talk about finances with your DH -
so insurances, monthly payments, fuel, servicing all come out of family pot with immediate effect
he can start with the school runs when the kids go back in January and
you'll give him the shopping list twice a week so he can do the shopping in his lunch hour

That will save you enough to pay for the occasional taxi to the gym, meet up with friends etc.

Alternatively he can buy a bike for work - many employers are helping employees with this. Help him get fit as well

He is never going to change unless you do something. So take a deep breath and tell him - don't ask, tell. Remember he made a decision (that adversely effects you) and acted on it without discussing it with you so that's clearly how he does business. Time to show him how it feels to be on the receiving end

Aquamarine1029 · 20/12/2023 19:22

My, how quickly the entitlement kicked in. He knows where they sell cars. Point him in that direction. Take him off your insurance for a bit of extra motivation.

Spottywombat · 20/12/2023 19:24

And report him if he takes it.

Tight git.

Laiste · 20/12/2023 19:25

Well - why is he wanting to use the car to get to work when he works a 15 min walk away? Which was part of the reason why he decided you only needed one car in the first place Confused

Or am i misreading?

Coconutter24 · 20/12/2023 19:26

So he got rid of his car to cut costs, so he’s saving money whilst expecting to use your car that you fully pay for. In what way do you benefit from this situation?

StillWantingADog · 20/12/2023 19:26

We share a car but it’s mostly fine. We pay for it jointly and let the other know when we need it.

seems wrong that he wants to use a car that YOU pay for. Though as pp said presumably you both benefit from the fact that as a family you only pay for one car. You get priority though IMO.

ElleEmDee · 20/12/2023 19:27

If he works a 20 min stroll away that would be a 5 min car journey. Can you drop him/ pick him up if needed?

CaineRaine · 20/12/2023 19:28

If he wants to act like he has as much right to use the car as you do, he needs to contribute towards it. Otherwise he’s getting all the benefit with none of the responsibility.

If he thinks it’s now a joint asset, all costs need to be shared.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/12/2023 19:29

I’m on team @wishingitwouldsmile

the Dh can walk to work. 15-20 mins is nothing even in bad weather. His choice to give up the car, but cannot argue it’s over cost if he’s only then going to take your car to work. Petrol/diesel/electric /wear and tear and the cost of being a named driver on insurance still all cost money.

Mrgrinch · 20/12/2023 19:31

He's had you over.

If you're sharing the car then you should be splitting costs.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:32

Strictlymad · 20/12/2023 19:17

If he wants to pay half all the bills he can have more input on how it’s used- somerimes he gets it, sometimes you. If he wants free use of as car any day he gets his own. If he wants to pay nothing he only gets use with your permission and when you absolutely don’t need it.

Thank you. I have no issue with him using the car, I just don't want to feel
Guilty wanting to do things.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 20/12/2023 19:33

If you don’t completely share finances and you pay for the car then it’s yours to use whenever you like .

RichardMarxisinnocent · 20/12/2023 19:34

Like others I am wondering why on earth he needs to drive to work when it's a 15-20 minute walk. He chose to give up his car partly because he could walk to work, so he should walk to work.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:34

TheSnowyOwl · 20/12/2023 19:19

I appreciate you say it’s your car and he sold his car but presumably, even if you have separate bank accounts, you both pay for your outgoings together and benefit as a household from savings?

Can you have set days that you go to the gym etc so that you can both work around it and he knows when the car is available for him to use and when it isn’t.

Do you now do more late shifts which has caused him to assume he has more automatic right to the car on those days?

Via a mutual agreement, we have separate finances. We have pre-agreed amounts
We put into joint finances (based on income) to cover outgoings but this doesn't include 'my' car.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:35

Spirallingdownwards · 20/12/2023 19:19

Tell him to get his own bloody car and that he can only use YOUR car when you don't need it whether that need is for work or social purposes as it is your car paid for by you.

Thank you!

OP posts:
Mumofoneandone · 20/12/2023 19:35

Get him a bike!!

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/12/2023 19:36

Man on a scooter blowing his hooter ….

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:38

DPotter · 20/12/2023 19:21

So you're paying for a car which you can't use.

Time to stand up for yourself and for a talk about finances with your DH -
so insurances, monthly payments, fuel, servicing all come out of family pot with immediate effect
he can start with the school runs when the kids go back in January and
you'll give him the shopping list twice a week so he can do the shopping in his lunch hour

That will save you enough to pay for the occasional taxi to the gym, meet up with friends etc.

Alternatively he can buy a bike for work - many employers are helping employees with this. Help him get fit as well

He is never going to change unless you do something. So take a deep breath and tell him - don't ask, tell. Remember he made a decision (that adversely effects you) and acted on it without discussing it with you so that's clearly how he does business. Time to show him how it feels to be on the receiving end

The car is used by whoever needs it for family stuff-school runs, days out,
Shopping trips etc.
the days/times I work a shift that means I don't need the car, I'm more than happy for him to take it. However, when I would like to go somewhere, I want to be able to, without worrying or feeling guilty.
Thank you for replying, it's helped me settle things in my mind. He makes out I'm being unreasonable so it is great to hear opinions from others.

OP posts:
SprogTakesAQuarry · 20/12/2023 19:39

who drives a 20 minute walk??

SilkFloss · 20/12/2023 19:40

Whoooooah, no. No, no, no, no, NO.

My dh has started suggesting we could manage with one car when we've both retired. I can see just how that would go - his sporting/hobbies commitments would end up trumping my "might have a mooch round the shops/ go to a friend's for coffee" every time. It would end up me not doing things or having to cadge lifts.
I have had my own car (and therefore independence) for nearly 40 years. Am I CHUFF giving that up.

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