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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My car v his car

171 replies

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:12

AIBU

Last year my DH decided he didn’t need a car-we live a 15/20 minute stroll from his work. He cited affordability and that we could use ‘my’ car as needed-which I had/have no issue with.

This left us with ‘my’ car which I pay for -the monthly payments, insurance, repairs etc.

We use the car for school transport, and any other journeys. DH has full use of this car when I’m at work. He will also use the car to get to work on the days I’m working a late shift.

Earlier this year my shifts changed and there
are some days where I like to go to the gym, meet a friend, go shopping etc. I really enjoy being able to do this. I need the car on these occasions.

DH is claiming I’m selfish for taking the car on days he could use it to go to work. So, I would essentially not be able to go to the shops etc because he wants to use the car to drive to work-where it would remain unused in the car park.

I try to not organise things so he can take the car to avoid an argument. It really feels unfair.
I don’t go places every week but feel I should be able to if I want.

It was his choice to not have a car (cost).

AIBU to some days want to use my car to do thing I want to do.

OP posts:
user1477391263 · 21/12/2023 04:56

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:12

AIBU

Last year my DH decided he didn’t need a car-we live a 15/20 minute stroll from his work. He cited affordability and that we could use ‘my’ car as needed-which I had/have no issue with.

This left us with ‘my’ car which I pay for -the monthly payments, insurance, repairs etc.

We use the car for school transport, and any other journeys. DH has full use of this car when I’m at work. He will also use the car to get to work on the days I’m working a late shift.

Earlier this year my shifts changed and there
are some days where I like to go to the gym, meet a friend, go shopping etc. I really enjoy being able to do this. I need the car on these occasions.

DH is claiming I’m selfish for taking the car on days he could use it to go to work. So, I would essentially not be able to go to the shops etc because he wants to use the car to drive to work-where it would remain unused in the car park.

I try to not organise things so he can take the car to avoid an argument. It really feels unfair.
I don’t go places every week but feel I should be able to if I want.

It was his choice to not have a car (cost).

AIBU to some days want to use my car to do thing I want to do.

So, it sounds like he ditched the car on the assumption of "Well, I'll just walk to work" but increasingly has got lazy and is relying on the one car you do have to commute, and is now grumpy about the fact that you want to use it at all.

I think you need to have this out together and make it clear what the rules are - who uses this car and for what.

Has he looked into a bike or car club?

user1477391263 · 21/12/2023 05:00

Also, surely you should be sharing finances if you are married? Even if you were the only one with a driver's license and he NEVER used the car, the cost should be paid by both of you. You're a family.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/12/2023 05:07

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:43

I do see it as a family car although the cost of it is not included in the family funds that goes
Into the joint account. The money, approx £500pm I pay for.

Show quote history

Give him two options, he shares half the cost and DC related things aside you both share it with each of your needs taking priority roughly 50/50. Or he goes on not paying and he gets to use it when you don't need it and if he tries to emotionally blackmail you again it becomes your car aside from DC related travel. He's taking the piss, he expects you to pay but he thinks his need of the car trumps your need for the car. He can walk to the thing he needs, you can't, that makes him even more unreasonable.

PlipPlopChoo · 21/12/2023 06:10

Tell him to get a bike.

Did he not realise that when he sold his car he would not have a car?

Orangello · 21/12/2023 06:30

Why are people talking about him paying the costs and making it a joint car? This is not what OP wants, she didn't post that she wants DH to share costs - she wants to use her car when she wants it.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 21/12/2023 06:39

He’s a lazy fucker. He should be walking such a short distance whether he’s got a car or not.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/12/2023 07:16

Orangello · 21/12/2023 06:30

Why are people talking about him paying the costs and making it a joint car? This is not what OP wants, she didn't post that she wants DH to share costs - she wants to use her car when she wants it.

Good point, sharing the costs will make the problem worse - he'll quite legitimately say he wants to take the shared car to work!

What the OP wants is use of her car.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

OP posts:
CormorantStrikesBack · 21/12/2023 07:28

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

He needs to get a bike. A 30 min walk is less than ten mins on a bike.

hazeleyednerd · 21/12/2023 07:30

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

The point still stands. And he's the one who sold his car and said he wanted to walk in the first place.

Rayna37 · 21/12/2023 07:30

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

It could be an hour's walk and it still stands. He chose to manage without a car of his own, you did not. There's no shame in him admitting that now he's tried it, and it's winter, that he made a poor decision and needs to get another car. At the least, he needs to stop expecting he can have yours unless you absolutely don't need it.

Zanatdy · 21/12/2023 07:34

30 mins isn’t far. I’d just telling him you’re paying £500 a month for a family car and he contributes zero. He really should be paying something towards it anyway given it’s used for children. He’s taking the P

Jf20 · 21/12/2023 07:34

Orangello · 21/12/2023 06:30

Why are people talking about him paying the costs and making it a joint car? This is not what OP wants, she didn't post that she wants DH to share costs - she wants to use her car when she wants it.

I guess as he’s walking all over her and she’s allowing it. He’s now commandeered the car for himself, and gets her to pay for it. And she’s allowed it to happen and still hasn’t said anything to him, instead turning to mumsnet. So there is a likely hood she will not be able to deal with this, he will tell her she’s selfish, and she will just give him her car and continue to pay for it.

but asking him to pay is very bad, as because if he’s this entitled when he pays nothing, if he even pays a fiver, he will demand he gets first rights to it every single time. She will be on the train before she knows it.

this isn’t about a car. This is about he doesn’t have any respect for her, it is not an equal relationship and she is unable to address his behaviour and treatment of her, when it happens.

i hope she is able to deal with it, but i think there is a high chance very soon it will be fully his car and she will be using public transport and Ubers/.

OhmygodDont · 21/12/2023 07:35

Point still stands that his stopping you using a car you pay for. If he only took it when you genuinely didn’t want to use it that’s one thing but the second it’s a but can’t you just do that another day so I can take the car. It’s a no. He pushed his luck and can piss off using it now.

Me and my children walked a 45 minute school run rain or shine for years. This poor man baby can walk his 31minutes or buy himself a car/bike.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 21/12/2023 08:10

30mins is still doable. Do that walking to the gym twice a week and to do any shopping. To clarify- up to an hour walking I would be happy with, dh would happily do am hour on a bike.

team@wishingitwouldsmile

FluffyChemical · 21/12/2023 08:19

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

This is completely irrelevant. He made a poor choice to get rid of his car. If it turns out he isn't managing the walk to work now it's cold and horrible he needs to rectify this and buy another car again.

Continuing on from my previous post and how car 'sharing' lead to losing my freedom and causing resentment I would urge you to put your foot down. I sense this will be difficult for you, I also struggle with feelings of guilt which is why I allowed my situation to go on so long. As an outsider, you have nothing to feel guilty about, this was not your choice, it was his and now you are feeling the consequences of it. If you are less assertive than him, everytime there is a debate about who should get the car, he is going to make you feel bad and will 'win' leaving you without access to the vehicle that you fund.

This will probably take more than 1 conversation with him, he will probably make counter arguments about costs but you need to stand firm. Whether deliberately or not he is essentially clipping your wings. Your don't want to be in a situation where you're asking permission to your use own car. You need to be able to go where you want whenever you want. That's the point of learning to drive and paying a lot of money a month to run a car!

RandomMess · 21/12/2023 08:22

Tell him if he doesn't want to work 30 minutes to work each day then he needs to buy himself a car.

catscalledbeanz · 21/12/2023 08:30

Not a difference to you! To him it means he gave up his car to walk 30 minutes to work. Entirely his choice. If he wants in on the car he pays half of all costs. He can't save money by relinquishing his car whilst reaping all the benefits of having a car by just appropriating yours. He wants to have his cake and eat it too doesn't he?

SD1978 · 21/12/2023 08:35

Wouldn't care if if it was 30minutes or 3 hrs. He chose to get rid of the car. He chose to make the walk the only option. Until he pays equally- if not more given he needs daily use and you don't, then he needs to hand the damn keys over....

Jf20 · 21/12/2023 08:41

SD1978 · 21/12/2023 08:35

Wouldn't care if if it was 30minutes or 3 hrs. He chose to get rid of the car. He chose to make the walk the only option. Until he pays equally- if not more given he needs daily use and you don't, then he needs to hand the damn keys over....

If he pays he will be even more entitled, she will be on public transport, if she’s not already.

AlisonDonut · 21/12/2023 08:49

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

'You should have thought of that before you got rid of your own car then love'.

tryingtodobetter1 · 21/12/2023 08:50

I can’t get over him actually driving what is a 15-20 minute walk!

JimBeamCoke · 21/12/2023 08:50

DH sounds like he can’t admit being wrong. It was very selfish for him to give up his car and not think of the overall consequences to the family. Did he ever use his car for family activities, school/club drop offs etc? What did he do with the money he saved? Having one car was only ever going to suit him and now it doesn’t then his selfish attitude is back. CF!

tryingtodobetter1 · 21/12/2023 08:51

Sorry just saw the latest message, even if it’s 30 minutes he shouldn’t be driving. That’s so wasteful. He doesn’t need the car.

Orangello · 21/12/2023 08:59

He knew how far his workplace was when he said that 'I don't need a car'.

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