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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My car v his car

171 replies

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:12

AIBU

Last year my DH decided he didn’t need a car-we live a 15/20 minute stroll from his work. He cited affordability and that we could use ‘my’ car as needed-which I had/have no issue with.

This left us with ‘my’ car which I pay for -the monthly payments, insurance, repairs etc.

We use the car for school transport, and any other journeys. DH has full use of this car when I’m at work. He will also use the car to get to work on the days I’m working a late shift.

Earlier this year my shifts changed and there
are some days where I like to go to the gym, meet a friend, go shopping etc. I really enjoy being able to do this. I need the car on these occasions.

DH is claiming I’m selfish for taking the car on days he could use it to go to work. So, I would essentially not be able to go to the shops etc because he wants to use the car to drive to work-where it would remain unused in the car park.

I try to not organise things so he can take the car to avoid an argument. It really feels unfair.
I don’t go places every week but feel I should be able to if I want.

It was his choice to not have a car (cost).

AIBU to some days want to use my car to do thing I want to do.

OP posts:
Vegemite001 · 20/12/2023 20:28

Tell him that since he’s managed so well without his car, you’ve decided to do the same cost cutting exercise!

Walkacrossthesand · 20/12/2023 20:33

How about you let him drive to work one day, then take the spare key, walk 15 mins and get your car, and he can walk home. S'fair, innit? In fact you'd be being very generous seeing as you pay for the car!

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:40

Grimpo · 20/12/2023 19:52

You presumably bought the car partly because it would give you the freedom to do what you want. Your husband presumably gave up his car precisely because he judged that he could walk to and from work. He can't expect it to be you who makes the sacrifices just because he has apparently backtracked on being able to walk. If he doesn't want to walk, he should get a bike or a moped.

Smile. Yes, exactly this

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:43

FluffyChemical · 20/12/2023 19:42

This happened to me and partner a year ago. Together 8 years, separate finances, his choice. Both our cars died at the same time and I purchased a van for us because I have more spare income and he was skint. I paid all costs for it but he increasingly used it for work (I walk to mine, his is further) and would make me feel bad for taking it and him having to use public transport. Gradually I stopped going to the gym so much, seeing friends so much, going for nice hikes because accessing a vehicle was such an argument and it cost me a lot of freedom. He always cited cost as a reason not to get a second vehicle.

Eventually this caused such resentment and arguments and a near break up that I insisted he got his own. Honestly wish I hadn't let it drag on so much and put my foot down sooner. So much happier with 2 vehicles and the freedom to go where I want when I want. Would recommend you do the same if you can afford it.

This has hit a nerve as I can see clearly
this is what is happening here. My 'wants' are second to his 'needs'

This has given me clarity, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:44

Catza · 20/12/2023 19:54

I feel you. My partners car has been in a garage for several months and it pains me to share my car but needs must. What drives me nuts is the entitlement aspect. Two weeks in I told him I am not paying for petrol since I only get to use the car for a few short trips and that he should bloody stop dropping it off with an empty tank. I also shut down any “what’s for dinner” questions on the days when he had a car. “Whatever you picked up from the shops, love” as the nearest one is 40 minutes walk away.
We ironed it out eventually so I suggest having the talk about shared expenses for the vehicle or him getting a bike

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:47

GrumpyPanda · 20/12/2023 20:02

Everybody going on about the cost.. not the main issue. The main issue is that DP UNILATERALLY decided to get rid of his car and now feels entitled to dictate how OP uses hers. That's simply not on in this scenario.

OP you need a very simple rule - any potential use of the car, he needs to ask you first and without grumbling.

Also, cancel all Christmas presents and get him a bike instead. Should get him to work nearby as quickly as the car and much more cheaply. Plus he gets to feel good about himself.

Love this!
I was ok with his decision to lose the car as he was clear, at the time, he didn't need it for work, just family stuff which makes no difference to me.
It's the 'creep' of "can't you do x another day", or "you did that last week". It's effectively seeking to restrict what I do because he wants the car.

OP posts:
Jf20 · 20/12/2023 20:47

That’s just really bad op. He’s claimed your car as his and makes you pay the bills. Sit him down and make it clear, you get first dibs, it’s your car, and he can use it if you don’t need it, in future he asks if he can use it or if you need it. Any other system and he takes over full payment.

if he wants a car he needs to pay for one. What a user.

Boomboom22 · 20/12/2023 20:49

He's taking the piss and I hope at least pays most fuel seeing as these are family costs.
If you have a spare key and want to go further out I'd be walking the 15min to his work, taking my car and texting him to tell him he's walking home later.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:49

SilkFloss · 20/12/2023 20:04

The thing is, once you start getting into debates about who needs it more on any one occasion, the chances are that he may well "win." So you end up conceding and going without.
But that's a red herring - the default ought to be that he can use YOUR car that YOU solely pay for, ONLY when otherwise it would be sitting on the drive with you having no possible need for it. But if you're any sort of decent person, you start feeling guilty and then you're into, "oh well, perhaps I could go shopping tomorrow instead" and then you end up where you are now.

This is an accurate assessment of what is going on, and how I feel. If it's poor weather I'll not bother with the meet with friends/shopping/xyz
as it feels unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:50

Gazelda · 20/12/2023 20:12

You learned to drive and purchased a car as it gives you independence.

His decision to get rid of his car has curtailed your independence which you pay £500 pcm for.

Yes, it is as simple as you've put it. Thank you

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 20/12/2023 20:51

Buy him a better coat with a hood for walking 20 mins max in the rain then.
But my husband often camps even in snow so would never ask.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:51

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/12/2023 20:15

One car worked for us for awhile. Took planning and compromise. But it was a decisions we both came to. It can be done, but both parties have to want it to work. (and be able to communicate and compromise.)
still team op. Still agog at his inability to walk such a short distance - a neighbour goes further in his wheelchair!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/12/2023 20:52

@wishingitwouldsmile so now you know what to buy him for Christmas- a decent coat, waterproof rucksack and waterproof shoes/boots. No such thing as bad weather for such a short walk.

IncompleteSenten · 20/12/2023 20:52

You need to point out the finance thing.

You have separate finances, fair enough, it's what works for you as a couple but he can't take the piss.
If he wants to share the car he has to share the cost.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:54

Vegemite001 · 20/12/2023 20:28

Tell him that since he’s managed so well without his car, you’ve decided to do the same cost cutting exercise!

I often think this.
I pay £500 so we can have a car for school runs/family activities/clubs etc. without this, we'd be truly stuffed! Yet I'm made to feel guilty for going to get my nails done, for example

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:56

Jf20 · 20/12/2023 20:47

That’s just really bad op. He’s claimed your car as his and makes you pay the bills. Sit him down and make it clear, you get first dibs, it’s your car, and he can use it if you don’t need it, in future he asks if he can use it or if you need it. Any other system and he takes over full payment.

if he wants a car he needs to pay for one. What a user.

Thank you. I think it's 'creeped in' and it's only now hitting me the the face what is going on.
There would be a day a week where I'd not need the car and I'd say "take it" but now it's evolved to "well why you doing that, I can't have the car now/it's raining/it's cold/blah blah"

OP posts:
rwalker · 20/12/2023 20:57

You clearly don’t need 2 cars
you need to makes your car a joint car
split the cost and he buys 1/2 of it off you

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:57

Boomboom22 · 20/12/2023 20:49

He's taking the piss and I hope at least pays most fuel seeing as these are family costs.
If you have a spare key and want to go further out I'd be walking the 15min to his work, taking my car and texting him to tell him he's walking home later.

Edited

We share the fuel via taking it in turns to fill it up.it's bad isn't it-I see it now I'm actually sharing what is happening .

OP posts:
GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/12/2023 20:58

Surely he could cycle? It sounds like you do only need one car and he doesn't need it for work.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 20:58

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/12/2023 20:52

@wishingitwouldsmile so now you know what to buy him for Christmas- a decent coat, waterproof rucksack and waterproof shoes/boots. No such thing as bad weather for such a short walk.

He's got kit/clothes I think he just sees it as easier taking the car!

OP posts:
Boomboom22 · 20/12/2023 21:01

Also disagree with separate finances if you have kids. It doesn't work as women globally, even in very poor countries, prioritise health and education, kids clubs etc and men prioritise their own leisure / pension.

SD1978 · 20/12/2023 21:02

He sold his car, to cut costs, as he could walk to work, and your car would be used as a family, and presumably intermittently independently by him. He kept the money from the sale of his car, bungs in a bit of petrol every few weeks, and expected equal ( superior) useage of car to get to work. If you want to use the car you pay for to do anything, he gets sulky. He needs to buy another car. He's being a dick

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 21:06

SD1978 · 20/12/2023 21:02

He sold his car, to cut costs, as he could walk to work, and your car would be used as a family, and presumably intermittently independently by him. He kept the money from the sale of his car, bungs in a bit of petrol every few weeks, and expected equal ( superior) useage of car to get to work. If you want to use the car you pay for to do anything, he gets sulky. He needs to buy another car. He's being a dick

Pretty much this.
I need to stop being a pushover

OP posts:
Ourshoddyhouse · 20/12/2023 21:08

HTK

Hide the keys

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 20/12/2023 21:17

SprogTakesAQuarry · 20/12/2023 19:39

who drives a 20 minute walk??

This.

Leaving aside the rest of the situation it's not worth starting the car for. And with a bike it's probably quicker than driving and parking.

Unless he has to turn up at work immaculately dressed in a perfectly pressed suit I can't see how a car is better than bike or shoe leather.