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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My car v his car

171 replies

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:12

AIBU

Last year my DH decided he didn’t need a car-we live a 15/20 minute stroll from his work. He cited affordability and that we could use ‘my’ car as needed-which I had/have no issue with.

This left us with ‘my’ car which I pay for -the monthly payments, insurance, repairs etc.

We use the car for school transport, and any other journeys. DH has full use of this car when I’m at work. He will also use the car to get to work on the days I’m working a late shift.

Earlier this year my shifts changed and there
are some days where I like to go to the gym, meet a friend, go shopping etc. I really enjoy being able to do this. I need the car on these occasions.

DH is claiming I’m selfish for taking the car on days he could use it to go to work. So, I would essentially not be able to go to the shops etc because he wants to use the car to drive to work-where it would remain unused in the car park.

I try to not organise things so he can take the car to avoid an argument. It really feels unfair.
I don’t go places every week but feel I should be able to if I want.

It was his choice to not have a car (cost).

AIBU to some days want to use my car to do thing I want to do.

OP posts:
BooBooBaloo · 21/12/2023 18:31

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

Yes it still stands! Unless his office picked itself up and moved itself AFTER he'd sold his car, he should have factored the distance in when making his decision.

And it was his decision to be car less, and he is the sole person to benefit financially from that decision, so frankly how he gets himself to/from work (or anywhere else) is not your problem.

He gets to use your car ONLY if you don't need/want to use it for anything else, and even then it's you doing him a favour. Tell him if he keeps sulking and kicking up a fuss then his access to your car gets withdrawn entirely. If he doesn't like it, he knows where the dealership is

DoWaDiddyDiddy · 21/12/2023 18:51

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

It doesn't matter how long the walk is. He sold his car and said he'll walk to work. I'm guessing it wasn't winter when he decided all this 😁

NancyJoan · 28/12/2023 08:52

We went down to one car just before Covid. We both walk/cycle to work, and only rarely needed two cars, less so now the kids are older and there aren’t endless parties at the weekends. However, I was very firm that if he got rid of his, my car was still my car.

If he wants to drive to work, he need his own car. He is the one being selfish.

Ellie1015 · 28/12/2023 08:54

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

If 30 mins is too far for him then he does need a car for work, and pay 50% of your costs until he gets one.

He should have been contributing to fuel all along.

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2023 09:07

So he decides to get rid of his car to save money and wouldn't mind walking to work. But now feels entitled to your car?! Tell him to buy another car, as he's acting as if the car's his! You have to start using the car more, to stop him from relying on it. Don't let him walk all over you.

Rewis · 28/12/2023 09:54

He sold his car cause he doesn't need it and will walk to work instead. And now complains that he has to walk to work.

Snowdogsmitten · 28/12/2023 11:00

I’m always so sad to read threads by women being totally dicked on by selfish twat men who actually doubt themselves wheN they finally object to the behaviour.

villamariavintrapp · 28/12/2023 11:26

I think the solution actually is to make this the family car-from family money. That way you both save £250 per month that you can each use eg for taxis for individual trips. I think if you just put your foot down about getting to use your car when you want to then you will still have to fund all the family trips and also have to sacrifice your time to run everyone around as needed, and he will still benefit from having the car whenever it does suit, for 'free', which I don't think is fair.

MzHz · 28/12/2023 11:30

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:32

Thank you. I have no issue with him using the car, I just don't want to feel
Guilty wanting to do things.

Show quote history

The clue to the solution is here

you don’t want to feel guilty about using your car to do things you want to do… So DONT!

he chose to give up his car and use yours whenever convenient for him to do so

so say yes when it’s ok for you to be without a car, but no when it’s not

tell him you’re not going to have your car sit in a car park and cancel plans as a result and if that’s inconvenient for him, he’ll need to think about if he needs a car or not

could he get a bike and cycle to work?

scotvic · 28/12/2023 12:04

Your post made me feel quite cross, I’m frankly surprised about how mild you are being about this. It is YOUR car! and you have the right to use it however and whenever you want! You are being guilt-tripped / manipulated by a lazy entitled man. I suggest a long hard talk with DH about this. He should never be using it just to drive to work as he got rid of his own car on the basis that he would walk (NB a folding (electric?) bike might be a fine commuting alternative) If convenient / you were feeling kind, you could drive him to work occasionally as a favour. Otherwise, if he wants it for other personal uses (as opposed to family business) he could give you advance notice with dates and times and ask nicely if you could lend it to him for those. I don’t recommend switching to joint financing of the car as he has already demonstrated that he would be a selfish and unequal car share partner.

AuntMarch · 28/12/2023 13:04

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

I have my own car and choose to walk 30 minutes to work every day.

Gymnopedie · 28/12/2023 13:21

OP given that you pay all expenses for our car and have separate finances, did he pay for everything for his? And does that mean that the money saved by not having his all goes into his pocket?

I'm glad this thread is opening your eyes to what he's doing and I hope you're able to tell him to get stuffed next time he starts whinging.

Teledeluxe · 28/12/2023 13:22

He should be aware that any no claims bonus he may have had will be cancelled if he doesn’t have a car insurance policy for two years.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 28/12/2023 13:47

My mother always told me two things in a relationship in a the biggest row maker!

Joint bank accounts and a shared car.

reading threads like this me makes me think, she may have had a point 🤣🤣

kitsuneghost · 28/12/2023 13:52

Perhaps re-iterate how irresponsible it is to drive a 20min walk.

AnneElliott · 28/12/2023 15:21

Laiste · 20/12/2023 19:25

Well - why is he wanting to use the car to get to work when he works a 15 min walk away? Which was part of the reason why he decided you only needed one car in the first place Confused

Or am i misreading?

Yes this. It doesn't make sense that he wants to drive when the closeness of his office was then reason he got rid of his car!

OhmygodDont · 28/12/2023 15:41

He knew how long the walk was when he gave up his car. He was planning all along to slowly start taking your car more and more. A free car basically.

Kwasi · 28/12/2023 17:39

If he works so close to your home, can you not drop him off and pick him up?

bigbadbarry · 28/12/2023 19:55

We share a car and on the odd occasions we both want it, one of us gets a taxi. It still works out much cheaper than running two cars. However, we completely share finances so the taxi is paid for from the same account as the car

FlipFlopsAhoy · 17/03/2024 20:51

I think I would change a couple of things OP.

  1. Reinforce your car
  2. Calculate how much the family use of the car is per month, and calculate how much he uses it per month, how much you use, and how much family use. Then at the end of every month he pays ....so you will have % usage split up into:

Your use %
His sole use %
Family use %

Total of all three is 100%
Then he gets charged his % of the £500/month You pay your % of the £500/month
And the family useage you split 50/50

Reinforce that you get first dibs as your car though, stomp that out as a first point!

If he doesn't want to pay he gets a bike.

FlipFlopsAhoy · 17/03/2024 20:54

Kwasi · 28/12/2023 17:39

If he works so close to your home, can you not drop him off and pick him up?

And OP pays for the car, so he gets to inconvenience OP and she pays time for her car and money for it?!

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