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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My car v his car

171 replies

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:12

AIBU

Last year my DH decided he didn’t need a car-we live a 15/20 minute stroll from his work. He cited affordability and that we could use ‘my’ car as needed-which I had/have no issue with.

This left us with ‘my’ car which I pay for -the monthly payments, insurance, repairs etc.

We use the car for school transport, and any other journeys. DH has full use of this car when I’m at work. He will also use the car to get to work on the days I’m working a late shift.

Earlier this year my shifts changed and there
are some days where I like to go to the gym, meet a friend, go shopping etc. I really enjoy being able to do this. I need the car on these occasions.

DH is claiming I’m selfish for taking the car on days he could use it to go to work. So, I would essentially not be able to go to the shops etc because he wants to use the car to drive to work-where it would remain unused in the car park.

I try to not organise things so he can take the car to avoid an argument. It really feels unfair.
I don’t go places every week but feel I should be able to if I want.

It was his choice to not have a car (cost).

AIBU to some days want to use my car to do thing I want to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:40

Laiste · 20/12/2023 19:25

Well - why is he wanting to use the car to get to work when he works a 15 min walk away? Which was part of the reason why he decided you only needed one car in the first place Confused

Or am i misreading?

I guess it's easier than walking. And
If I don't need the car it's fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:41

Coconutter24 · 20/12/2023 19:26

So he got rid of his car to cut costs, so he’s saving money whilst expecting to use your car that you fully pay for. In what way do you benefit from this situation?

Exactly this. I don't be benefit in any way, which is fine. I just don't think it's fair to 'lose' by being restricted in what I can/cannot do.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 20/12/2023 19:41

He’s being ridiculous.

If he needs a car so much that he has to sulk at you to get the use of yours he should bloody well pay for his own. He chose to give his up. You don’t benefit from this, in fact it’s causing you no end of hassle when it was his shortsighted choice in the first place. I’d tell him to stop bothering you and get another car sharpish.

FluffyChemical · 20/12/2023 19:42

This happened to me and partner a year ago. Together 8 years, separate finances, his choice. Both our cars died at the same time and I purchased a van for us because I have more spare income and he was skint. I paid all costs for it but he increasingly used it for work (I walk to mine, his is further) and would make me feel bad for taking it and him having to use public transport. Gradually I stopped going to the gym so much, seeing friends so much, going for nice hikes because accessing a vehicle was such an argument and it cost me a lot of freedom. He always cited cost as a reason not to get a second vehicle.

Eventually this caused such resentment and arguments and a near break up that I insisted he got his own. Honestly wish I hadn't let it drag on so much and put my foot down sooner. So much happier with 2 vehicles and the freedom to go where I want when I want. Would recommend you do the same if you can afford it.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:43

StillWantingADog · 20/12/2023 19:26

We share a car but it’s mostly fine. We pay for it jointly and let the other know when we need it.

seems wrong that he wants to use a car that YOU pay for. Though as pp said presumably you both benefit from the fact that as a family you only pay for one car. You get priority though IMO.

I do see it as a family car although the cost of it is not included in the family funds that goes
Into the joint account. The money, approx £500pm I pay for.

OP posts:
Laiste · 20/12/2023 19:44

I think you need to sit him down and remind him that him taking the car to work comes at the bottom of the list of priorities. Right at the bottom!

ie anything you need it for comes before him taking it to work.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:44

ElleEmDee · 20/12/2023 19:27

If he works a 20 min stroll away that would be a 5 min car journey. Can you drop him/ pick him up if needed?

The timings don't work out that way.
Occasionally I can, and will. The majority of times it doesn't

OP posts:
Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:48

RichardMarxisinnocent · 20/12/2023 19:34

Like others I am wondering why on earth he needs to drive to work when it's a 15-20 minute walk. He chose to give up his car partly because he could walk to work, so he should walk to work.

Thank you. It is good to get objective opinions

OP posts:
Grimpo · 20/12/2023 19:52

You presumably bought the car partly because it would give you the freedom to do what you want. Your husband presumably gave up his car precisely because he judged that he could walk to and from work. He can't expect it to be you who makes the sacrifices just because he has apparently backtracked on being able to walk. If he doesn't want to walk, he should get a bike or a moped.

Coconutter24 · 20/12/2023 19:52

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:41

Exactly this. I don't be benefit in any way, which is fine. I just don't think it's fair to 'lose' by being restricted in what I can/cannot do.

Show quote history

If it’s not convenient for you then he needs reminding he was the one who got rid of his car and he’s the one benefiting by saving money and still having use of a car while your paying full costs for a car and being limited to when you can use it.

Catza · 20/12/2023 19:54

I feel you. My partners car has been in a garage for several months and it pains me to share my car but needs must. What drives me nuts is the entitlement aspect. Two weeks in I told him I am not paying for petrol since I only get to use the car for a few short trips and that he should bloody stop dropping it off with an empty tank. I also shut down any “what’s for dinner” questions on the days when he had a car. “Whatever you picked up from the shops, love” as the nearest one is 40 minutes walk away.
We ironed it out eventually so I suggest having the talk about shared expenses for the vehicle or him getting a bike

RandomMess · 20/12/2023 19:55

I would just laugh and point out he can either pay for his own car or stop complaining and borrow yours if you don't wish to use it.

ohtowinthelottery · 20/12/2023 19:58

SilkFloss · 20/12/2023 19:40

Whoooooah, no. No, no, no, no, NO.

My dh has started suggesting we could manage with one car when we've both retired. I can see just how that would go - his sporting/hobbies commitments would end up trumping my "might have a mooch round the shops/ go to a friend's for coffee" every time. It would end up me not doing things or having to cadge lifts.
I have had my own car (and therefore independence) for nearly 40 years. Am I CHUFF giving that up.

Edited

@SilkFloss A couple of years ago DH & I had a meeting with DHs pensions advisor about DHs retirement. He said one piece of advice he would give us would be not to go down to one car! So many couples think they can manage with one upon retirement and it rarely works well and is the cause of many arguments.

Workawayxx · 20/12/2023 19:58

He can't have it all ways. Either the car is payed for from joint finances (and he puts in his share) OR it's your car and you get priority. The second is still slightly unfair on you as you alone are paying for a family resource.

febbabies2023 · 20/12/2023 19:58

Tell him to get a pushbike if he doesn't want to walk!
I'd be annoyed too op

GrumpyPanda · 20/12/2023 20:02

Everybody going on about the cost.. not the main issue. The main issue is that DP UNILATERALLY decided to get rid of his car and now feels entitled to dictate how OP uses hers. That's simply not on in this scenario.

OP you need a very simple rule - any potential use of the car, he needs to ask you first and without grumbling.

Also, cancel all Christmas presents and get him a bike instead. Should get him to work nearby as quickly as the car and much more cheaply. Plus he gets to feel good about himself.

Orangello · 20/12/2023 20:02

He said he didn't need his car. You never agreed that you will want to change anything about the use of your car. One that only you finance. So your needs take priority and he can use it if you don't want to at the moment. So therefore yes your shopping trumps his work.
And as PP said, who drives a 15 min walk??

SilkFloss · 20/12/2023 20:04

The thing is, once you start getting into debates about who needs it more on any one occasion, the chances are that he may well "win." So you end up conceding and going without.
But that's a red herring - the default ought to be that he can use YOUR car that YOU solely pay for, ONLY when otherwise it would be sitting on the drive with you having no possible need for it. But if you're any sort of decent person, you start feeling guilty and then you're into, "oh well, perhaps I could go shopping tomorrow instead" and then you end up where you are now.

Mumof2teens79 · 20/12/2023 20:05

I think it makes perfect sense to have one car...but at that point you should have agreed it would come out of the joint finances so you both benefit from the saving and share the costs of using one car for everything.

Also if he only needs the car to get to work then he doesn’t really need it

Truly sharing a car means a bit of planning and compromise

kimchio · 20/12/2023 20:05

Tell him to buy his own car

Orangello · 20/12/2023 20:12

Yes it would probably be possible to manage with one car, but OP never wanted to.

Gazelda · 20/12/2023 20:12

You learned to drive and purchased a car as it gives you independence.

His decision to get rid of his car has curtailed your independence which you pay £500 pcm for.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 20/12/2023 20:15

One car worked for us for awhile. Took planning and compromise. But it was a decisions we both came to. It can be done, but both parties have to want it to work. (and be able to communicate and compromise.)
still team op. Still agog at his inability to walk such a short distance - a neighbour goes further in his wheelchair!

Superscientist · 20/12/2023 20:21

If you are paying - you use it when you want it and if you aren't using it he can go ahead and use it

If it is a family asset it comes from joint budget and the person who gets the biggest benefit gets to use it - driving a walkable distance doesn't trump a several running around tasks

The cost of both of our cars comes out of the joint account. We have a car each that we preferential use but we use the most appropriate car for the task at hand

StillWantingADog · 20/12/2023 20:22

unreasonable to need a car for a 15-20 minute walk. He could get a bike if that really is too far to walk!