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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My car v his car

171 replies

wishingitwouldsmile · 20/12/2023 19:12

AIBU

Last year my DH decided he didn’t need a car-we live a 15/20 minute stroll from his work. He cited affordability and that we could use ‘my’ car as needed-which I had/have no issue with.

This left us with ‘my’ car which I pay for -the monthly payments, insurance, repairs etc.

We use the car for school transport, and any other journeys. DH has full use of this car when I’m at work. He will also use the car to get to work on the days I’m working a late shift.

Earlier this year my shifts changed and there
are some days where I like to go to the gym, meet a friend, go shopping etc. I really enjoy being able to do this. I need the car on these occasions.

DH is claiming I’m selfish for taking the car on days he could use it to go to work. So, I would essentially not be able to go to the shops etc because he wants to use the car to drive to work-where it would remain unused in the car park.

I try to not organise things so he can take the car to avoid an argument. It really feels unfair.
I don’t go places every week but feel I should be able to if I want.

It was his choice to not have a car (cost).

AIBU to some days want to use my car to do thing I want to do.

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 21/12/2023 09:15

He doesn't "need" it for work, he just prefers to drive. If he thinks 30 minutes makes it too far to easily walk, then why the hell did he sell his car in the first place.

Either he's realised that while 30 minutes didn't seem so bad in the summer, it's worse in the winter, and now he doesn't want to walk.
Or he always planned on commandeering your car in the winter.

Regardless, he's not entitled to use of your car, so he needs to stop laying on the guilt if it isn't free for him to borrow.

It's not "the car", it's yours. Not a shared cost or responsibility, not a shared resource. CF to try to presume otherwise.

SecondUsername4me · 21/12/2023 09:31

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

He should have done his research properly when he decided to get rid of the car. It changes nothing imo.

Also a 30min walk is easy, unless he has some sort of disability which makes walking a challenge.

Flask of coffee and a good podcast and it's actually a lovely way to start the day!

poppitypop1 · 21/12/2023 09:38

Timing re the walk is irrelevant. He knew the distance when he determined that the car was unnecessary because the commute was walkable.

If you've separate finances then he ought to:

1: fall in with what works for you; AND

  1. Pay for the use of the car.

It is irrelevant whether you're unreasonable/selfish or not (you're not by the way). It's YOUR car to do with as you please even if that means it sitting outside your home and telling him to walk.

If he doesn't like the above he can purchase a new car.

GabriellaMontez · 21/12/2023 09:43

"Darling, you know it's not a shared car?"

"If you need a car so regularly perhaps you should buy one?"

schmuzz · 21/12/2023 09:43

It doesn't matter if it's a 20 minute walk or 2 hours. He sold his car. You pay solely for yours, it's yours. Tell him to jog on.

Vinrouge4 · 21/12/2023 09:49

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

But that was the same when he decided to get rid of his car. The journey hasn't miraculously stretched. He knew it was a 30 minute walk. You need to stand firm. If he doesn't like it then he can get a bike, an uber or his own car.

ValerieDoonican · 21/12/2023 09:56

If I was him I would probably buy an ebike as that saves getting to work sweaty.

However that's for him to work out.

As a pp says, he won't admit the walk isn't as easy as he made out to himself when he sold his car, and he would rather bully his wife than admit he was wrong.

Tough tits mate, the 30 min walk is ENTIRELY your problem to sort out.

I knew a family living rurally on a low income, who decided together (afaik) they could manage with one car. Problem was, he unilaterally insisted on a massive work vehicle that for whatever reason, she was unable to drive. She was trapped at home with her tiny children for quite a while before she was able to assert her case for her own vehicle.

It made me suspect she was in an abusive relationship , that he was so completely blind to her needs.

Inertia · 21/12/2023 10:11

The distance is irrelevant. He knew where he worked when he unilaterally decided to get rid of his car.

Him demanding access to your car, that you solely pay for, to save him a walk to work is clearly taking the piss, and you need to stand up to this . Do not be bullied into losing your independence.

The issue you don’t seem to have considered is that he’s already taking advantage even before he takes your car to work. Your car is not just used for your benefit, it’s also the family car- yet you’re the only one paying. Presumably the children are his, so why isn’t he contributing to the costs of taking them to school, clubs, holidays etc? If you use the car to do a food shop, he’s also eating the food.

He needs to either buy his own car or stop whining.

Selenitetower · 21/12/2023 10:16

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

Still sounds like a him problem to me. He needs to continue walking and come up with a plan to get himself to and from work if he doesn’t want to walk anymore. Whether that’s buying a bike/escooter/another car. He doesn’t get to decide he needs YOUR car.

DPotter · 21/12/2023 11:13

5 mins, 20 mins, 30 mins - makes no difference. He decided to give up his car, he must have known the distance between home and work, so it's totally on him.

His options are
walk
buy a bike
buy a new car

the option of using your car when he wants to, is not on the table

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/12/2023 11:28

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

For me it changes things. There's no sane reason to drive a fifteen minute walk so the nature of your agreement with him was irrelevant.

In contrast it's not that crazy to want to drive to save a 31 minute walk so it all depends on what you agreed between you. If you agreed he could use your car then you need to stick to that and if he said he was going to walk/cycle he should stick to that.

ValerieDoonican · 21/12/2023 11:44

He said he would walk. His miscalculation, his problem.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 21/12/2023 11:57

ValerieDoonican · 21/12/2023 11:44

He said he would walk. His miscalculation, his problem.

It doesn't say that in the op.

It says he decided to get rid of his car and then the OPs shifts changed.

Maybe he said he'd walk or maybe the OP said "fine, use use my car".

Having said all that a 30 min walk is a ten minute cycle. Not a drama.

Codlingmoths · 21/12/2023 12:09

wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 07:25

So, when I've said "it's only a 15/20 minute walk", he replied with "no, it's 30 minutes".
Do you guys think this change anything?
I've just google map'd the route and it states 31minutes.

My point still stands, yes?
Thank you all.

You say ‘Oh my god! You’re so right!! It’s 30 minutes! I guess you need to buy a car since you can fuck off with using mine.’

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 21/12/2023 12:13

You either pool your resources together as a family - joint account, shared income and expenditure, shared belongings- of you do 'his' and 'hers' and kept things separate and negotiate each part of your lives.

Mix and match - what you are doing eg you pay for the car and he share it - doesn't work and that's why you are arguing and resentful.

Original poster
wishingitwouldsmile · 21/12/2023 12:29

I really appreciate all the replies-it has really encourage me to look at the car issue, and other dynamics in the relationship that I have glazed over.
I am a fair and reasonable person but it seems this can be taken advantage of.
He is making his problem ( no car) mine to solve by me not doings things I enjoy.
So, I'm stuck in the house whilst my car is parked unused for 12 hours in a car park.
A few of personal stories posted have resonated and I need to wake up a little.

It really, really helps to be able to use this group to get perspective on things. Thank you to all of you.

OP posts:
Murica · 21/12/2023 13:05

Jf20 · 21/12/2023 07:34

I guess as he’s walking all over her and she’s allowing it. He’s now commandeered the car for himself, and gets her to pay for it. And she’s allowed it to happen and still hasn’t said anything to him, instead turning to mumsnet. So there is a likely hood she will not be able to deal with this, he will tell her she’s selfish, and she will just give him her car and continue to pay for it.

but asking him to pay is very bad, as because if he’s this entitled when he pays nothing, if he even pays a fiver, he will demand he gets first rights to it every single time. She will be on the train before she knows it.

this isn’t about a car. This is about he doesn’t have any respect for her, it is not an equal relationship and she is unable to address his behaviour and treatment of her, when it happens.

i hope she is able to deal with it, but i think there is a high chance very soon it will be fully his car and she will be using public transport and Ubers/.

Show quote history

This is not a helpful post at all and I hope you'll ignore it OP.

Ju1ieAndrews · 21/12/2023 13:14

He can get a bike or an e-scooter.

My teens walk for 30 mins each way to school, not a problem; in fact the walk does them good.

He is definitely taking the piss getting you to pay £500 a month for the family car and then not even letting you use it when you want to 🙄

Turfwars · 21/12/2023 13:24

The danger is that if you got him to contribute 250 a month to the car and it's now shared, you're use of it WILL be at the back of the queue after him and family.

Better that you stand your ground that it's yours alone and he can sort out his own transport.

SeaToSki · 21/12/2023 13:33

I agree with all the PP about his entitlement.

But also, why when he got rid of his car and your car became the family car, why didn’t the costs of running, insuring, maintenance the family car switch to coming out of the family funds rather than just your funds? He has been taking you for a ride for the last few years.

I think you should tot up all the MOT, tax, insurance, tires, garage bills on the family car since he sold his car and present him with the total and ask him when he is going to be paying you back for half of it as well as switching to paying jointly going forward. Btw, who pays to insure him on your car??

Verv · 21/12/2023 13:42

You bought the car.
You pay for the car.
You own the car.

HE got rid of HIS car, and now meeps that he isnt given priority over the use of YOUR car.

Off he fucks. On foot.

Tangled123 · 21/12/2023 13:50

@Murica Actually, I think that post is helpful and the poster has nailed it.
OP’s husband ‘wins’ by having no car expense. He also ‘wins’ by having use of a car when he wants. OP ‘loses’ by having the car payment and ‘loses’ again by not having the car when she wants it. It’s not fair when it wasn’t her decision to give up the car. The only solution here is to stop letting husband use hers and for him to find another way to work. I personally think OP just wants told that so she knows she isn’t being unreasonable and will therefore gain the confidence to go through with asserting herself.

Goldbar · 21/12/2023 14:00

I'm utterly baffled that this car, which is used primarily for family/children, is not a "family" or joint expense.

If he wants a say in how the car is used, he needs to pay for it. Tbh he should already be giving you money towards it to reflect the use of the car for the children and family trips, even if he got no personal use from it.

It's absolutely ridiculous to drive a 15-20 minute walk on a regular basis. I'd just shut that one right down.

cstaff · 21/12/2023 14:28

With regard to his google map statement, my walk to work takes about 55 mins - it is 3 miles but if you look it up on google maps it says approximate walking time is 1hr 17 mins, so unless your DH is particularly slow and lazy the chances are that it does take him 20 minutes to walk.

Also, don't let him take over your car - if he wants he can buy again.

Murica · 21/12/2023 17:38

@Tangled123

All that is true. OP's DH is being totally unreasonable. The OP probably already feels like a loser for ending up in this situation though. The poster predicting the OP will just roll over and take it will not help her to stand up to him. She needs encouragement, not more derision.