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Original poster

My daughter knows that everything is fake

307 replies

Krismuss · 20/12/2023 09:48

I don’t know what has gone wrong here. My 3 year old daughter knows everything is fake. A few examples - I took her to see Santa - afterwards I asked if she enjoyed it and she said “yes, but it’s only pretend isn’t it?”
We went to Disneyland earlier this year and I said “wow look DD, a real princess castle!” And she said “silly mummy, it’s not real”. Same with the characters - she knew they were just people playing dress up.

Last week I took her to a party and “Elsa” was there. “Elsa” danced with her and when we got home I told DH that DD had been dancing with Elsa - DD said “not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

I said to her this morning “you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” And she again said “it’s not real mummy”

she has no older siblings or relatives that would tell her this and she isn’t at school or nursery. Why doesn’t she believe in anything? :-( I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake. Even at the Christmas market there were reindeers there and I said “I wonder which one is rudolf?” And she said “they’re just reindeers, none are rudolf”.

DH hasn’t told her anything is fake either, he’s as perplexed as I am. So not to drip feed she is on the waiting list for autism assessment, could this have something to do with it?

OP posts:
ohdamnitjanet · 20/12/2023 13:15

Wow, I love your daughter, she’s fab!

Katiesaidthat · 20/12/2023 13:18

My daughter does believe in father Christmas but knows that all the ones she sees around are helpers (so fake). She´s 5.

Covidwoes · 20/12/2023 13:19

@Katiesaidthat my 5 year old DD is exactly the same!

WinkyTinky · 20/12/2023 13:22

I think she sounds great! My two are similar, very down to earth and scientific, and I much prefer that to all the silly pretend stuff that some kids bang on about. Good for her!

SisterAgatha · 20/12/2023 13:23

I believed in Santa. My grandad worked at a place that reports the news on TV and so when we saw “Santa” at his workplace party, why wouldn’t I believe an international news organisation. That’s logic.

Santa in a suit that smells like a storage unit, in a local shopping centre, with toy reindeer, of course looks shifty. That’s also logic and instinct.

Neither of those are exclusive to autism though.

If you told her the sky is red and expected her to believe you and didn’t, would you call that autism too? Let’s be sensible.

MrsTwatInAHat · 20/12/2023 13:24

I was this child too. It's not a bad thing to have a bullshit detector!

As as PPs say, you can still enjoy all the traditions and fun "make believe" without actually believing it - much like theatre or fairy tales. Ignore anyone who thinks children have to be "innocent" and swallow the "magic" of Christmas wholesale or else it's all ruined.

ZebraDanios · 20/12/2023 13:25

WinkyTinky · 20/12/2023 13:22

I think she sounds great! My two are similar, very down to earth and scientific, and I much prefer that to all the silly pretend stuff that some kids bang on about. Good for her!

I believed in Santa until I was 11. I also have a chemistry degree. You can be scientific and still enjoy “all that silly pretend stuff”.

Tacotortoise · 20/12/2023 13:28

You can enjoy "all that silly pretend stuff" without being credulous tbf.

Tacotortoise · 20/12/2023 13:30

I was totally credulous as a child btw (and am a scientist now), so that wasn't meant as an insult.

Wobblyheart · 20/12/2023 13:30

I am NT and used to believe in Santa somewhat but also could clearly remember that when I was around 4-5 I knew that Santa that we met was fake. Your daughter sounds like he communicates great with you btw, and sounds fabulous!

cordeliaflynne · 20/12/2023 13:32

My DS was like this - "of course there are no trolls under the bridge, there's no such thing", "we can visit the wizard's cave but its not real, wizards aren't real", "how can Father Christmas fit down the chimney and anyway the fire is in the way so it must be you" etc. etc. Just a quick heads up, another mum at primary school was very cross with me (not sure why me as he has formed these opinons on his own much like your child) as her child completely believed and mine was voicing his (quite reasonable) doubts. Difficult to explain to a 4/5 year old that there are some things they should keep to themselves in front of their classmates. Easier when they are a few years older.

BudgieBardot · 20/12/2023 13:34

My daughter is pretty much the same. Last year when she 3, and getting the gifts out of her stocking she said "thank you Mummy"

MrsTwatInAHat · 20/12/2023 13:34

Yes I'm not dissing kids who do believe in it - until they're about 10 (if NT) and then I can't really believe they do, but they way some parents push it it's not surprising they feel they have to say they do.

Obviously children, like everyone, have a range of different levels of credulity or inclination to believe things that don't make logical sense, and that's a normal human spectrum IMO.

scalt · 20/12/2023 13:36

I was like this as a child. As my parents put it, I "saw through the system" with many things. I knew that stories were made up, and I enjoyed discussions at primary school on "is this story true?". From a young age, I noticed that teachers asked questions when they already knew the answers, so it was a bit of an act. I never believed in Santa; he was just another story. At the theatre, I was often far more interested in the mechanics and stage lights that what was happening on the stage; in the cinema, I would look behind me to see where the picture was coming from (and in those days, you could see the projector beams through the smoke). My parents didn't bother making things out to be true, because I wouldn't have believed it.

However, I did have some wrong ideas: I believed that if things appeared a lot in stories, they must be fake, and sometimes I was surprised to learn that certain things were real. For example, rainbows: I remember the amazement of seeing one for the first time. Also that the Queen was real, although I was a bit confused by us not having a King as well, like in fairy tales. I usually liked it when something I had believed imaginary turned out to be real: I was delighted to learn that Hamelin (as in the Pied Piper of Hamelin) is a real place.

I remember one time adults briefly convinced me something "magical" was happening, aged five or six. I was blindfolded and sat in a chair outdoors, which was lifted up, and told I was flying really high up, with "look at those tiny fields and houses below". For a few minutes, I actually felt I was flying, especially as I found I was in a very different place from where I thought I had started. Some years later, I learned how they created this illusion, but I did believe it for a while.

Anisette · 20/12/2023 13:36

I would guess that she can just see for herself that the Santas and Elsas concerned don't look like the ones she's seen in books or on screen. It may well have something to do with possible ASD, as some people on the spectrum can tend to be quite rigid about facts and will not see nuances, It might tend to mean that, for instance, your DD would struggle to tell polite lies (e.g. "I had a lovely time" when she hasn't) but you can keep an eye open for that and maybe start teaching her early.

dottiedodah · 20/12/2023 13:39

I think she sounds clued up! Maybe just see if she wants to keep it a secret though ,dont want her to tell other DC. She sounds smart and grounded to me .I always wondered as a child how on earth Santa made all his deliveries .

JesusAndMaryPain · 20/12/2023 13:48

My kids loved "fake santa". Introduce her to the concept or pretending as being fun! "Believing" is about believing in the spirit or idea of it, not the actual thing. Your DD sounds fabulous!

SapphireSeptember · 20/12/2023 13:49

I'm on the other end, I still believed in Father Christmas when I was 12! I'm also autistic, but a great believer in magical things and woo, and I have a deeply held belief system that brings me great comfort.

Wobblyheart · 20/12/2023 14:02

Oh yes, forgot to mention that someone I know has an autistic son who is 11 and still believes in Santa so I think this is more of a personality thing!

NoTouch · 20/12/2023 14:10

“not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

She thinks there is a "real Elsa" though. Does she think there is a "real" Santa too?

I think it is fine, and healthy, preferable, they know the Santa's and Elsa's at parties etc are not the "real" ones. Mickey at Disney is not the "real" mouse etc. I don't recall ds thinking any of them were "real" - the best real ones are in your imagination. Which is why I always kept it light and avoided any excessive attempts to provide evidence they were "real" - like half eaten mince pies and snow prints on the carpet Christmas morning or moving Elves on Shelves in the run up. It was still magical to ds in his own imagination.

Then as they get older, develop and they mature they realise how the "real" ones work. Such as Santa is a "real" historical tradition loosely based on St Nick, and the "real" Elsa is a character in a movie.

Each parent needs to adjust their approach to their individual child.

hydriotaphia · 20/12/2023 14:30

Totally normal in my experience.

whatsappdoc · 20/12/2023 14:40

Thinking back to my own childhood I felt the same about santa as god. I didn't think they were real but I 'believed'

whatsappdoc · 20/12/2023 14:41

... just in case.

begaydocrime42 · 20/12/2023 15:46

My daughter believes in God (her choice) but never believed in Santa. I remember her saying why do we have modern things but Santa doesn't have technology? It did make me think it is ridiculous that people push the idea of a bearded man that exists solely in a quasi-Victorian bubble!

EtiennePalmiere · 20/12/2023 18:14

Does any child think the Disney characters are real instead of people in costumes ? I never believed in Santa either, this is a non-issue

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