My daughter knows that everything is fake

[Krismuss]

I don’t know what has gone wrong here. My 3 year old daughter knows everything is fake. A few examples - I took her to see Santa - afterwards I asked if she enjoyed it and she said “yes, but it’s only pretend isn’t it?”
We went to Disneyland earlier this year and I said “wow look DD, a real princess castle!” And she said “silly mummy, it’s not real”. Same with the characters - she knew they were just people playing dress up.

Last week I took her to a party and “Elsa” was there. “Elsa” danced with her and when we got home I told DH that DD had been dancing with Elsa - DD said “not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

I said to her this morning “you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” And she again said “it’s not real mummy”

she has no older siblings or relatives that would tell her this and she isn’t at school or nursery. Why doesn’t she believe in anything? :-( I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake. Even at the Christmas market there were reindeers there and I said “I wonder which one is rudolf?” And she said “they’re just reindeers, none are rudolf”.

DH hasn’t told her anything is fake either, he’s as perplexed as I am. So not to drip feed she is on the waiting list for autism assessment, could this have something to do with it?

Same!

I did like the magic of it but when adults would talk to me like "what did Santa bring you?" I'd think extremely literally and I would say Santa didn't bring me anything because he's not real.

I'd always be seen as the buzzkill of the party, and I was late diagnosed but this was what party's Christmas and Easter were like for me as a child.

Don’t do this.

Father Christmas brings presents regardless of belief. Don’t threaten a child into a lie.

I’m sure OP’s little one is very clever but can we please stop assuming that kids who do believe in magic etc are stupid?

My 9-year-old is as sharp as a tack (according to her teachers, not just me!) but she’s still totally on board with Santa, fairies and all the rest - she just has a very lively imagination. (She has no truck whatsoever with religion though!) Some kids are more prone to flights of fancy than others - surely whether your child is a “believer” or not has far more to do with their personality than their intelligence. Having one child who is very logical and one who is permanently away with the fairies, it would never cross my mind to assume one of them was cleverer or more astute than the other.

This reminds me of a friend's child who did not believe in Santa Claus, elves etc ... or, as we learned one day, France.

He was loudly indignant when a visiting French teacher came to entertain his reception class with a few phrases. "It's not real! They're not real words. She's making it up"!

Oh I distinctly remember knowing it's all fake from an early age. Small things didn't add up. Shit costumes etc. I played along for years because everyone seemed to enjoy it but I didn't care either way. I actually can't remember ever believing it. I have a feeling a lot of kids are the same, some of santa costumes are shit, etc.

I agree. As per my comment above I believed in Santa and “magic” until I was 13, I have autism and I’m definitely not stupid - was accepted into Oxbridge and given a full scholarship to one of the top private schools.

OP, your daughter is sound of mind and very sensible. If she's ND, truth will be very important to her.

As an autistic from a nest of autistics, I raised an autistic dd. We loved Christmas. We did all the things - put out mince pies for Santa and so on. It was a game we played together, along with the rest of Western civilisation. Good fun, not serious.

Support your fabulous daughter in her honesty and good sense. But, explain to her about the others. The parents who can't cope if their children aren't deceived by lies. Explain about the 'magic'. At nursery and later, in school, she'll meet with children who trusted their parents, and the parents who (kindly and with good intent) lied to them. Tell her we can help the children not to be hurt, and the parents not to be upset, if we keep what we know to ourselves. As NDs, we tend to want to tell everything we know, especially if we are right. But keeping schtum on this one could save her from bullying from children and resentment from adults.

Very best wishes to your possibly ND dd.

The whole 'santa is real' thing pissed me off as a child, it was all so stupid and it annoyed me that anyone would try to trick me into believing it. I never spoiled anyone else's belief but I objected to having to pretend I believed something so obviously untrue.

As result we never made out the whole thing was real with our kids - we just said it's a nice story. My DS never bothered with it (he's like me) but my DD has always talked about Santa - the fact that she knows it's not real makes no difference to her, in fact, I think it's better as there'll be no realisation of the truth.

It boggles me when people think you have to insist Santa is real to preserve the magic - to me that's very small, literal thinking. You can imagine something and still find it magical and exciting, no lies required.

Thank you!

I’m not autistic, but also believed in Santa until I was about 11 I think, and also went to Oxbridge.

I remember during one of the summer holidays when I was about 19 I got so absorbed in a book that when my Dad asked me what had happened that day I started telling him I’d heard about this thing on the news…and then I remembered that actually, it had just happened in my book!

My mum tells me I was the same about Santa from being a toddler and I don’t recall ever having a moment where I found out he wasn’t real!

Why would you want your DD to believe in lies in the first place?

This x 10

My son was exactly the same and he's autistic. Autism isn't a superpower by any means but my son's special ability, which I've seen in quite a few autistic kids, is to be very clearsighted when it comes to reality. From a young age he hated things like Father Christmas because its so bloody illogical (put his hand up in class and asked why children were starving if FC could bring them food and if he didn't, why didn't he and why wasn't that more important than giving toys - poor teacher!).

It hasn't stopped him enjoying Christmas mind you, and he enjoyed the tooth fairy as a game - he didn't need it to be real.

It helps with other things too. He has no truck with sexual stereotyping because he can see how ridiculous it is.

He's very good at spotting the difference between what people say and how they behave, which has meant he's chosen good friends and is surprisingly politically (small p) astute.

He is not tolerant of hypocrisy (although he's learnt to hold his tongue about it on occasion). And whatever the antithesis of gullible is, he's that.

She sounds fantastic. Send her here if she's too much for you.

I've said this before......but I cannot believe any child truely believes in father christmas. I never did, and I cannot remember a single child in my class / friendship group who ever did. This doesn't mean we didn't enjoy the idea of Santa claus etc, it's just that we all knew it was a whimsical fantasy and just a nice idea to make christmas fun.

We also knew that elves, fairies, dragons etc did not really exist. Doesn't mean we didn't enjoy stories about them.

I am in my mid 60s, and, until recently, I don't think I have ever met a parent who thought their children really believed in Santa. I have deliberately spoken about this to several women my age.... by and large they all agree with me. They all knew that their children understood that it was just a story. Everyone joined in just for the fun of it. I think the idea of children really believing is very recent. I have sometimes wondered if it's related to video games / on line life. Children don't seem to "play make believe" anymore.

Your daughter sounds perfectly normal to me.

Believing in things like Santa and the tooth fairy isn’t about thinking things are real. It’s about believing in the magic of make believe, myths and fantasy. Just have a conversation about this with your child.

I agree that maybe it's just her personality, I'd try not to problematise it. Although also I might have a word with her about other children and that if she says things to peers it might spoil things for them if they like to see the things DD knows aren't real as actually real. And that not seeing they're pretend doesn't make people silly, it's OK for people, especially children her age, to believe in those things.

I knew it was all fake, op. Didn’t stop me enjoying it, just took it for what it was. I remember telling my older db not to be scared by the rando in our house on Christmas Eve, it was just our dad in a costume. I must have been 3 1/2.

Your daughter is very bright and I was the same as a kid.🙂 As someone who can tell the difference between lies and reality she is well equipped to cope with modern life. Don’t try to keep up lies, however attached you might be to the idea that it’s somehow good for kids to be sucked into them, as you don’t want her associating her parent with deception (which is what happened to me, however people might condemn the young me as a neurotic over-thinker).

I can assure you that I very definitely believed Santa was 100% real. I was not just playing along. I vividly remember being unable to sleep one Christmas Eve, falling asleep for what felt like five minutes, and being astonished that he’d been in that time.

But as previously mentioned, I have always had a very lively imagination!

And I agree with those who point out that not believing in the fantasy doesn’t mean you don’t enjoy Xmas.

It is fake though. I don’t think anything has gone wrong at all — rather the opposite. I’m all for a bit of knowing make-believe but actually can’t understand the parents who actively set out to deceive their children by wanting them to believe Santa etc are ‘real’.

And that not seeing they're pretend doesn't make people silly, it's OK for people, especially children her age, to believe in those things.

I can’t remember which book I read this in, but children’s brains are actually programmed to be a bit gullible, because there just isn’t time for them to learn everything they need to learn by experience. There’s nothing defective or “less”
about children who don’t think these things are fake, and it doesn’t mean they’ll grow up to believe everything they hear either.

Unlikely to be because she's autistic, she's just very intelligent and not easily fooled. You have a very smart kid, OP. Be proud.

I didn't believe Disney, Santa at grottos etc were real at her age either. I don't think it's a problem per se. As ever it's how we handle these things. I would focus on enjoying the power of imagination. After all, we all enjoy what isn't real all our lives - films, novels etc. it's about going there with her, but in a way that emphasises what we can all imagine and enjoy for the pleasure it brings to suspend our disbelief. As little kids, we don't do this because we actually believe. The magic is that once we know the truth, we still take pleasure!