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Original poster

My daughter knows that everything is fake

307 replies

Krismuss · 20/12/2023 09:48

I don’t know what has gone wrong here. My 3 year old daughter knows everything is fake. A few examples - I took her to see Santa - afterwards I asked if she enjoyed it and she said “yes, but it’s only pretend isn’t it?”
We went to Disneyland earlier this year and I said “wow look DD, a real princess castle!” And she said “silly mummy, it’s not real”. Same with the characters - she knew they were just people playing dress up.

Last week I took her to a party and “Elsa” was there. “Elsa” danced with her and when we got home I told DH that DD had been dancing with Elsa - DD said “not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

I said to her this morning “you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” And she again said “it’s not real mummy”

she has no older siblings or relatives that would tell her this and she isn’t at school or nursery. Why doesn’t she believe in anything? :-( I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake. Even at the Christmas market there were reindeers there and I said “I wonder which one is rudolf?” And she said “they’re just reindeers, none are rudolf”.

DH hasn’t told her anything is fake either, he’s as perplexed as I am. So not to drip feed she is on the waiting list for autism assessment, could this have something to do with it?

OP posts:
DRS1970 · 20/12/2023 10:02

I have autism and always found it hard to get into the hype of things that are clearly pretend. I would go along with things as that's what "people do", but was never sold on the narrative.

AnnaMagnani · 20/12/2023 10:02

I always knew the Santas in garden centres, characters at Disney were just adults in costume.

Didn't mean I thought Santa didn't exist, just I could spot a man wearing a fake beard.

Menomeno · 20/12/2023 10:03

Some kids are just natural cynics. When I took dd to Disney (she was 6 years old) with a friend and her kids, one of her kids (who was 12) bought an autograph book. My dd asked her why she’d bought it and she said it was to get the characters’ autographs. My dd looked at her like she was an idiot and said “You do know they’re not real? They’re just college kids dressed up”. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Now she’s older she takes no shit from boys, and won’t have the wool pulled over her eyes, so I see it as a gift. I wish I could be more like that myself!

Marblessolveeverything · 20/12/2023 10:04

So your daughter has sharp analytical and critical thinking skills. These will serve her well in life.

My children barely engaged with the tall tales adults told, they had and are having a wonderful happy childhood(s). Neither are autistic. They are both very bright, emotionally intelligent and possess a talent for spotting bull.

I appreciate you may have had different expectations. I've family members who spent years trying to embed the "magic". My pair used to humour them while asking me if the adults were okay living independently if they hadn't worked out the Santa/tooth fairy etc 🤣

YouveGotAFastCar · 20/12/2023 10:04

Does she enjoy them anyway? If she liked seeing the reindeer but didn't believe any were Rudolf, that's fine, surely? Similarly if she enjoyed dancing with "Elsa".

My DS is just about to turn 2 and he doesn't seem fussed either. He enjoys the things but he doesn't seem to believe in them. I'm not bothered... I'd rather not lie to him, and we can have the same fun regardless of him knowing it's a game. I have concerns about how kids that are fully bought in to Santa etc make orphans/foster children feel - surely Santa wouldn't forget them? - and how it plays nicely with other religions, so it's always felt "better" to me if your child understands it's a bit of a game but enjoys it and plays along anyway.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 20/12/2023 10:04

My Dd is ASD. She believed in Santa until 7 or 8. And she loved the tooth fairy.

devildeepbluesea · 20/12/2023 10:04

I never believed any of it either, and to the best of my knowledge am not autistic. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t magical for me though.

phoenixrosehere · 20/12/2023 10:06

Why doesn’t she believe in anything?

Why does she have to if she is enjoying them? Kids don’t stop enjoying Christmas because they don’t believe in Father Christmas anymore or the other things you’ve mentioned.

ShoesoftheWorld · 20/12/2023 10:06

We've never, ever pretended any of this sort of stuff is real. We've always taken it for what it is - a fun game. Any direct questions got a direct answer. 'No, it's not real, but it's a lovely game to enjoy playing'.

My dd is 8 and has always known this but appears this year to have made the decision to 'believe' (to suspend her disbelief, anyway) in Santa. She is a very imaginative girl and knows the stories she makes up are stories but are no less joyful for that.

I've never subscribed to this strange idea that 'magic' comes from actually believing something is real. I think it comes from the ability to enter (and leave) worlds of imagination at will. Your dd is enjoying things in her way. Leave her to it. It's fine.

TripleDaisySummer · 20/12/2023 10:07

I don't ever remember believing - it was more something to go along with for adults sake.

I was quite annoyed when my were little how pushy IL were about it all - trying to say all presents we bought were from Santa - not tradition either of us grew up with and not helpful when we were on tight budgets. They usually new few Santa they saw at school/playgroups were fake.

I always enjoyed presents and Christmas anyway - though did wish some adults would lay of the lies and push them less.

“you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” I always thought this was terrible parenting - friends tried it with elf on shelf behave or else with child they had no authority over didn't work. I expected them to behave because we their parents told them to - I didn't need imaginary back up but then I had a mother who did the stranger will take you if you don't behave thing which as I child I hated and was unnecessary.

Creepybookworm · 20/12/2023 10:08

My older sister was a natural non-believer at very young age too. So therefore I never believed either as she wouldn't let me! No autism but we are still both cynical!

ManateeFair · 20/12/2023 10:11

She's an intelligent child with the capacity for deduction and critical thought. Be proud of her. She's not enjoying this stuff any less because she knows they're not real.

(And no, despite Mumsnet's obsession with ASD, this doesn't mean she's autistic.)

noooooooo · 20/12/2023 10:13

As other PPs have said, she’s advanced, that’s all. I had all the whole racket sussed by P1 (remember being told by my mum to keep quiet about it) and one of my DDs was even younger when she starting picking holes in things - she remarked loudly at the Twos’ Group Christmas party ‘that’s not the REAL SANTA he’s wearing TRAINERS!’ Nobody told me, just like nobody told her Santa doesn’t wear trainers. She’s bright, it’s good. I also marvel when kids believe at 11.

PeppermintMandy · 20/12/2023 10:13

Why are you desperate to convince her that things you know are not real are actually real? Seeing reindeers is awesome. Why does she need to believe one is rudolf?

Reugny · 20/12/2023 10:15

My DD, who is 5, also knew Santa was pretend from aged 3.

She also thinks that fairies, ghosts and god are all pretend.

She is aware that she is not to make a big deal of Santa being pretend in December, and to be polite about god to avoid upsetting people.

My DD is definitely not autistic, though could have other ND.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2023 10:15

TookTheBook · 20/12/2023 09:53

It sounds like she is quite bright and inquisitive - I'm not sure why you feel sad that she is so wise! She can still enjoy the magic of Christmas.

Maybe she "knows" the only real father Christmas is busy in Lapland and then delivering presents on Christmas Eve, that's why someone else dresses up for the parties!

This is how I read it too op
None of THOSE are Rudolf.. She knows he's not at a Christmas fair in Woking cos he's busy in Lapland Vs Rudolf doesn't exist
Those are pretend Santa's cos they all look different and there's 50 of them in our town. Vs Santa is a lie

I think the thing is to keep it light
Did you enjoy seeing Santa? Yes bit he's a faker. Shhhh wink smile, that's our secret
Is one of these Rudolf? No Mommy, obviously not. Ok, let's give them our own names then

Just because she knew the Princesses were dressed up doesn't mean she didn't enjoy the holiday. It just means she got something different from it.

Jellycats4life · 20/12/2023 10:16

Autistic kids are often very black and white, and logical to a fault 😅 She’s obviously a smart cookie.

I’m pretty sure that neither of my autistic kids were particularly duped by a man dressed up as Santa or a party entertainer dressed up as Elsa either. They understood it was a bit of fun but not the “real” character.

DoubleHelix79 · 20/12/2023 10:19

DD is now 6 but was aware early on that a lot of these things are 'pretend'. I've always focused on the fact that we enjoy the make-believe and that it's about creating a nice tradition. She still enjoys Christmas, Easter, getting money from the pretend Tooth Fairy etc so it hasn't dampened her enthusiasm for those events.

Universalsnail · 20/12/2023 10:21

Maybe she's just quite smart and worked it out. Just tell her the truth but explain it's fun to do these anyway because the magic is in pretending I'm fairly sure my middle child has always known it's fake but she enjoys pretending.

Mynewnameis · 20/12/2023 10:22

My daughter said similar things at 3. Also neurodiverse.
I just kept on with the pretence to be honest. She still has a mix of believing an not and she's 10.5. I'm glad I didn't confirm anything.

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/12/2023 10:24

I knew it was fake. What gave it away to me was the way my parents would talk about it, really making a big deal of it. They never made a big deal of anything else.

Santa coming down the chimney? We never had one, so was told he came through the letterbox, really mum? He's meant to be the size of a rhino, I can't get through there, so how can he?, I can't go in that cupboard because there are presents in there? Why, Santa brings them doesn't he?

Come on mum, I may be a kid, but I'm not stupid!!!

Floralnomad · 20/12/2023 10:25

Our eldest was like that and he does have ASD but wrt FC we only did him as a story anyway so it made no odds . Both of ours love Christmas and still do as adults and because it was never believing in FC that made christmas magical we never ‘lost’ the magic .

UniversalAunt · 20/12/2023 10:26

She’s advanced/bright/intelligent & plenty more.

Also an early consummate diplomat as she leads you to accept your delusions so gently ;-)

Autism?

She just sounds very bright - it can be both a blessing & a curse - so give her plenty to explore/make/read & do.

itsgettingweird · 20/12/2023 10:26

Possibly the autism and the link with seeing everything quite literally.

However (and my ds is autistic) he knew the santas etc were pretending but he believed in the real one who lived in Lapland. He didn't believe he flew round the world on a sleight but still enjoyed watching NORAD.

Sometimes you just have to go with what they believe.

I remember one Christmas when ds was about 6 or 7 doing the talcum powder footprints in the hall. Ds woke up and came my room and asked "why's there talcum powder footprints in the hall?". Followed by "can I open my stocking from Santa?" 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂

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