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Original poster

My daughter knows that everything is fake

307 replies

Krismuss · 20/12/2023 09:48

I don’t know what has gone wrong here. My 3 year old daughter knows everything is fake. A few examples - I took her to see Santa - afterwards I asked if she enjoyed it and she said “yes, but it’s only pretend isn’t it?”
We went to Disneyland earlier this year and I said “wow look DD, a real princess castle!” And she said “silly mummy, it’s not real”. Same with the characters - she knew they were just people playing dress up.

Last week I took her to a party and “Elsa” was there. “Elsa” danced with her and when we got home I told DH that DD had been dancing with Elsa - DD said “not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

I said to her this morning “you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” And she again said “it’s not real mummy”

she has no older siblings or relatives that would tell her this and she isn’t at school or nursery. Why doesn’t she believe in anything? :-( I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake. Even at the Christmas market there were reindeers there and I said “I wonder which one is rudolf?” And she said “they’re just reindeers, none are rudolf”.

DH hasn’t told her anything is fake either, he’s as perplexed as I am. So not to drip feed she is on the waiting list for autism assessment, could this have something to do with it?

OP posts:
Butterflybrain1 · 20/12/2023 10:44

As I was reading your first sentences I was thinking ahh! A neurospicey! 😂 and I’m willing to bet a very bright button too. I was like this as a kid (I’m neurodiverse) and my son (5), also likely ND, rolls his eyes at me when I say things like ‘do you think that was the real Santa?’ He’s VISIBLY humouring me 😂😂
but it’s fine. I know Harry Potter isn’t real. Didn’t stop me nearly wetting myself when we went to Warner bros studios ❤️

Ormside · 20/12/2023 10:44

I spent the day with my two great nieces the other day. Their DM has never let them believe in Santa. We had a lovely day out, including letting them choose individual tree decorations and a small gift for their DM.
We came to a huge display of Christmas books (most of which were Father Christmas and Rudolf themed). They chose one about a snowman and a snowflake. We then had hot chocolate on the beach and visited a funfair/arcades.
It's easy to still enjoy Christmas without the made up stuff, although I wouldn't have done it with my own, now adult, DC.

CaroleSinger · 20/12/2023 10:44

So you're upset because you can't lie to your DD while she's small, then have to explain the awful truth that none of it was real and leave her disappointed when she's older? What world are we living in? 😳

Why the desperation to fill kids heads with confusing rubbish? How do these fairy stories benefit a 3 year old? All it does is teach them that sometimes grown ups don't tell the truth.

Can you not see that telling them that they better be good or father Christmas won't come is actually a form of control to make kids to behave? That's the 'real' truth. We do it to get them to behave because if they are not 'good' they won't get any presents,

Look at the real reasons behind the fairy stories and you'll realise it's not as innocent as you think. I'd rather a child not believe it than use untruths to get my child to behave the way I want them to.

stayathomer · 20/12/2023 10:44

Ps one thing op, the ones we have here who no longer believe still aren’t told anything about presents so there’s still the crazy excitement about what they might get!! Christmas is the exact same for them, we don’t ask what we’d get instead if we can’t find something etc etc

Cosifantutrifrutti · 20/12/2023 10:44

My three year old says things like this too, about Christmas but also about things like cartoons (like ‘the magic school bus isn’t real, buses can’t fly!’). I think it’s partly the age they are - they’re sorting out categories of information in their head and working out how the world works. I ask him about why he thinks certain things without confirming or denying anything. I think belief in magic / Santa may come in time, for now he’s still figuring out the basics.

wasanneofcleves · 20/12/2023 10:45

I think it's totally fine. Just because she knows it's not real doesn't mean she cant enjoy it. And is there a possibility that she is just sort of testing your reaction?

If she says something is pretend I would say something like "oh well, it might be pretend but it's still fun to pretend isn't it! Look how lovely it is!"

Or if she says it's not the real one you could say something like "it might not be real but it's still magical...do you like her pretty dress?"

Etc etc

Seaside3 · 20/12/2023 10:45

I think it's actually quite normal for kids to believe it. It's just they're taught not to question what adults say to them at a young age, and to please others.

She possibly has her own idea about what santa looks like etc and the ones she sees are clearly not 'the one'. It's hardly surprising, with a different santa popping up everywhere.

I don't recall ever believing, and I know I didn't believe in god from age 5, despite going to a c of e school. Didn't mean that I didn't enjoy Christmas, or even the spectacle of church, I just didn't believe in the 'figures' involved.

Mornusting · 20/12/2023 10:45

What she is actually saying though is correct but she may think there is a real Santa somewhere and a real Elsa but these are pretend ones. She just knows that is not them.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 20/12/2023 10:46

I remember one year we put out biscuits and a carrot and they were half gone or all gone in the morning can't remember and Santa left a note saying thank you 😄that was a good year. Also my mum used to ring a bell on the tree when I had gone bed to notify that Santa was on his way 😂I used to think oh shit! (or the childhood equivalent) I best get to sleep!

bridgetreilly · 20/12/2023 10:46

Pretending and make believe are standard children’s play: doctors and nurses, mummies and daddies, cowboys and pirates and all the rest. It’s fun and it’s magical! And it’s a lot healthier than conspiring to keep secrets from your child for years.

Nothing has gone wrong.

DataColour · 20/12/2023 10:47

MuggleMe · 20/12/2023 10:41

Does she play imaginative games at home? There's still fun in suspending disbelief and enjoying the magic, even if it's made up.

See, my DD who doesn't believe in anything did play a lot of imaginative games with her brother when younger, up until recently in fact. She has no problem making up stuff herself, but not what other people have made up!

Cosifantutrifrutti · 20/12/2023 10:47

CaroleSinger · 20/12/2023 10:44

So you're upset because you can't lie to your DD while she's small, then have to explain the awful truth that none of it was real and leave her disappointed when she's older? What world are we living in? 😳

Why the desperation to fill kids heads with confusing rubbish? How do these fairy stories benefit a 3 year old? All it does is teach them that sometimes grown ups don't tell the truth.

Can you not see that telling them that they better be good or father Christmas won't come is actually a form of control to make kids to behave? That's the 'real' truth. We do it to get them to behave because if they are not 'good' they won't get any presents,

Look at the real reasons behind the fairy stories and you'll realise it's not as innocent as you think. I'd rather a child not believe it than use untruths to get my child to behave the way I want them to.

I don’t agree with telling children they have to behave to get presents (we never link santa with behaviour) but there’s nothing wrong with encouraging children to flex their imaginations. Children have been believing in things that aren’t real for a very long time and managing to mature out of it without deep psychological scarring.

Shoppingfiend · 20/12/2023 10:47

Mornusting · 20/12/2023 10:45

What she is actually saying though is correct but she may think there is a real Santa somewhere and a real Elsa but these are pretend ones. She just knows that is not them.

Yes, obviously the real Santa is somewhere getting the stuff sorted for Xmas Eve - not in your high st.

Shoppingfiend · 20/12/2023 10:47

I’m not sure thers a real elsa - it was a film

ValerieDoonican · 20/12/2023 10:48

I've family members who spent years trying to embed the "magic". My pair used to humour them while asking me if the adults were okay living independently if they hadn't worked out the Santa/tooth fairy etc 🤣

Love this! Fwiw I remember working it out pretty early on - it just seeed obvious. Your daughter is obviously very bright.

Partypop · 20/12/2023 10:48

So my DD5 still believes in Santa, but everything else she knows its ‘fake’, so a castle at Disneyland she would know it’s not a real castle, and characters in costumes she knows it’s not the real Elsa etc. I would be worried if she thought all these things were real TBH! She sounds intelligent

BrimfulOfMash · 20/12/2023 10:51

For children, imagining things to be real and playing are as much fun as ‘believing’. Adults underestimate this. My Dc imagined ‘believing’ for years after they knew Santa wasn’t real (which they worked out by logic at about 4). And got just as excited.

I am no expert but your DD’s autism presumably gives her a different perspective. She is rooted in the facts she sees and not her imagination.

That’s OK. I would say ‘you are right, Santa / Elsa are not real, it is a fun story we tell / game we play’. Help her understand that NT people enjoy imagination / stories / fiction , and that’s OK too.

I wouldn’t gaslight her.

WombatChocolate · 20/12/2023 10:52

You can carry on doing all the things you have been. You have enjoyed them and so has your DD.
The magic of Christmas remains after we don’t believe in those things, especially for small children.

She is where she is with belief. Don’t try to persuade her it’s real…that honestly would be for yourself and not her….perhaps you’re an adult for whom, kids believing is a big deal. It is massive for some parents and it’s them not the kids who are devastated when the belief of the kids goes.

You don’t have to say too much - she’s not asking you to deny it or confirm. You don’t have to give answers. You can talk about Christmas being special and traditions etc.

Are you worried this is a sign of some kind of ND? Is this what your concern is rather than he believing in Santa thing? I can see that a suspicion this could be the case is a concern and those kind of concerns often grow gradually.

You say she isnt in nursery etc. is there a reason for that? If she’s in a childcare setting, they would be able to help you explore any concerns you might have. Otherwise you could see your GP.

RedRobyn2021 · 20/12/2023 10:54

My daughter is 3 early next year and I've told her it's a pretend game. At least now you don't have a choice about lying to her.

Applesonthelawn · 20/12/2023 10:54

I knew it was fake and so did my son. I have ASD, he does not. Plenty of kids know it's a game that everyone has fun playing, they choose whether to go along with the make believe or not. It doesn't matter.

Tlolljs · 20/12/2023 10:56

Because she’s clever. 👍

TheWalkingDeadly · 20/12/2023 10:56

At about 18m we took dd to see favourite tv character dressed up but she hated it and wouldnt go near. So very young they do know. She may have sen.

Dc1 has known re santa since 7 at least - during covid. So she told dc2 and that has been tricky hoping dc2 didnt tell the 4yo kids

LightToTheWorld · 20/12/2023 10:58

I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake

Arrgh, no, this is the worst possible take away. Lots of children know it's fake and are either playing along or suspending disbelief. They still get great enjoyment and a sense of magic from it all. Just do all the things you both enjoy and don't push too hard on the real/not real question.

brickastley · 20/12/2023 10:58

One of my autistic kids was a real invested believer and it was awful having to deal with the 'truth' when she was older. Her brother never believed anything we tried to 'give' that was magical. It was all made up to him - in primary school he ran past in of the characters dressed up for the younger years and pulled the head mask off to expose them as fake. Fortunately they were sitting talking to another teacher in the foyer, not with any infants. He wasn't being malicious though, he has a strong sense of right and wrong and the fake to him was always wrong.

brickastley · 20/12/2023 11:00

Also I should add, lying to my kids about Santa, tooth fairy etc is one of very few parenting regrets. I wish I had done it differently and made it clear it was pretend from day one. The upset it caused my believer with autism wasn't worth it.