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Original poster

My daughter knows that everything is fake

307 replies

Krismuss · 20/12/2023 09:48

I don’t know what has gone wrong here. My 3 year old daughter knows everything is fake. A few examples - I took her to see Santa - afterwards I asked if she enjoyed it and she said “yes, but it’s only pretend isn’t it?”
We went to Disneyland earlier this year and I said “wow look DD, a real princess castle!” And she said “silly mummy, it’s not real”. Same with the characters - she knew they were just people playing dress up.

Last week I took her to a party and “Elsa” was there. “Elsa” danced with her and when we got home I told DH that DD had been dancing with Elsa - DD said “not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

I said to her this morning “you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” And she again said “it’s not real mummy”

she has no older siblings or relatives that would tell her this and she isn’t at school or nursery. Why doesn’t she believe in anything? :-( I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake. Even at the Christmas market there were reindeers there and I said “I wonder which one is rudolf?” And she said “they’re just reindeers, none are rudolf”.

DH hasn’t told her anything is fake either, he’s as perplexed as I am. So not to drip feed she is on the waiting list for autism assessment, could this have something to do with it?

OP posts:
IreneGoodnight · 20/12/2023 11:21

Ha ha! I love it. Smart little kiddie.

amusedbush · 20/12/2023 11:23

Maybe it's connected, maybe it's not. FWIW, I'm autistic and I had figured out that Santa wasn't real by the time I was 4 or 5. Apparently I picked holes in every explanation until my mum finally just asked what I thought; I told her I didn't think it was true and she confirmed it.

Frazzledatfifty · 20/12/2023 11:23

My son worked it out when he was 3…. We were listening to the radio on the way to school, there was a shoebox appeal - son said ‘Father Xmas isn’t real is he? Because if he was there wouldn’t be all these children who don’t get presents and need us to make shoeboxes for them…’ really couldn’t argue with that and felt wrong to lie to him.. Asked him to keep quiet so his little sister could enjoy the magic but she worked it out by the time she was 5 too.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:25

Maybe most kids know deep down it's fake but enjoy going along with the magic and all pretending together.. but autistic kids are very clear on 'not lying' and telling it like it is (in my experience) so she doesn't quite 'get' why we all pretend we believe in magic?

housethatbuiltme · 20/12/2023 11:26

Maybe shes just really switched on.

My DS would not no matter anything even entertain the concept of a tooth fairy. It was just the stupidest must ridiculous concept he had ever heard. He may have only been little but he had the full attitude of 'Why are you pissing on my leg and trying to tell me its raining'. He knew what he knew and you can't force him to believe otherwise.

Even money wouldn't sway him (he knew it was fake and thought it was silly to pay for teeth), he choose to collect all his teeth in a jar for free.

therealcookiemonster · 20/12/2023 11:26

tbh I never saw the point of telling children the all these things are real only to tell them later that it's not. of course they can still enjoy fairy tales etc but we can just tell them it's imaginary.

FictionalCharacter · 20/12/2023 11:26

Balloonhearts · 20/12/2023 09:52

She's just insightful, that's all. There's nothing wrong with being able to see past the pretence, in fact it's a trait that will stand her in good stead throughout her life. Just explain to her, yes it's pretend but sometimes it's fun to make-believe.

I agree.
When she already knows things aren't real, you shouldn't be trying to persuade her that they are just because she's very young. She simply is very mentally astute and wise for her age, so treat her accordingly. Otherwise she'll start wondering why her mum believes all these babyish stories!

GreenFrostedPlant · 20/12/2023 11:27

I work in education, as I was reading your post I thought must be on the ASC spectrum.

Just because she knows everything is fake doesn’t mean she doesn’t enjoy it. It’s just our expectations as parents of what we want them react like. Keep the magic alive and keep engaging in all the fun activities. You sound like a really fun Mummy.

uclpp · 20/12/2023 11:28

Get her some dice with different numbers of faces and play with them. And Lego. And sets of something she’s interested in to collect. Sod all the Christmas rubbish.

Misspacorabanne · 20/12/2023 11:34

Im unsure if it’s linked or not, but my ds was very similar at a very young age, 3/4 and he now has an autism diagnosis. He enjoys going along with it now though at 6 but he knows it’s all pretend!

TiptoeTess · 20/12/2023 11:38

I think most kids know it’s fake but play along, so if her autism is affecting anything, I think it’s probably the part of her that isn’t easily able to lie just to please people. I don’t reckon that’s a bad thing tbh so embrace it!

honeyytoast · 20/12/2023 11:39

i completely understand why you’d find this upsetting but it gave me a little chuckle, sounds like you have a very intelligent and logical kid!

oakleaffy · 20/12/2023 11:43

Children know that Father Christmas isn’t “Real” as there are so many of them. ( Or were when high street shops were more common)
Ditto Easter Bunny 🐰

Nothing to do with Autism.

confusedaboutclothes · 20/12/2023 11:44

I remember when I was younger I knew that the shopping centre santa for example, and the reindeer etc were ‘fake’ and not the ‘real’ santa! I always thought that the real one was too busy at the north pole and how could he possibly be at my school during the busiest time!

Maybe that’s what your daughter means and maybe she thinks that the disney stuff is in a parallel type universe (for want of a better explanation!)

raffegiraffe · 20/12/2023 11:45

I have one of these children. Never believed in anything like Santa, tooth fairy. She is brilliant! Now 12, smart, empathetic, just seems to get life. I wouldn't worry x

xILikeJamx · 20/12/2023 11:47

Even if it is all pretend - it's still fun!

LightToTheWorld · 20/12/2023 11:47

I really wouldn't place much weight on the people here saying "I read this and knew she was autistic". It's pretty common for NT children as well so may be completely unconnected.

ChateauMargaux · 20/12/2023 11:47

My.biggest Christmas fan has never believed in Christmas but loved 'Let's pretend' and LOVES every part of Christmas.. he is 14 now.. it doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy it... just that he has always knows that it is pretend!!

oakleaffy · 20/12/2023 11:50

therealcookiemonster · 20/12/2023 11:26

tbh I never saw the point of telling children the all these things are real only to tell them later that it's not. of course they can still enjoy fairy tales etc but we can just tell them it's imaginary.

Exactly- it’s a myth - like Dragons and unicorns.
Just accept them as legends.

Children know these aren’t really real, but do go along with it to please parents.

Somepeoplearesnippy · 20/12/2023 11:54

Knowing that something is 'pretend' doesn't mean it can't be thrilling and bring happiness, even joy.

All art is 'pretend'. All fictional literature is 'pretend'. All drama, on stage and screens of every size is 'pretend'. All video games and cosplay are 'pretend' but across the world billions of people are fully immersed in all these life enhancing experiences every day and have been since the first prehistoric man drew the first pretend buffalo on a cave wall.

Itdjgsurchg · 20/12/2023 11:56

Mines exactly the same, she’s always seemed older than she is and has always questioned Santa, God and the Tooth Fairy. I thought it was because she has a lot of friends with older brothers and sisters but have realised that’s not the case. My youngest however completely believes and it’s so magical but feels strange not having to convince her all the time.

AliasGrape · 20/12/2023 11:56

When I was teaching Early Years, I'd often create little scenarios/ leave clues around the classroom as a lead in to a new story or topic - finding a paper mache dinosaur egg for example, or messing up the classroom/ leaving crumbs and food wrappers with some 'tiger footprints' because The Tiger Who Came to Tea had come through.

Some of the children would absolutely throw themselves into it, adding their own little embellishments - 'oh yeah, I head a growl when I was in the playground' etc etc. Others would have to come and check in with me 'but it's not real is it, just a game' and I'd of course say that we're just having fun using our imaginations. They all enjoyed/ got something out of the experiences - it's just some children feel more secure knowing it's pretend I think, whereas others are keener to suspend disbelief.

You can still have fun pretending together - or just be noncommittal and say 'hmm, who knows?' or 'what do you think?' and you might find she's more into it next year!

Listen2YourMother · 20/12/2023 11:57

Tbh, yes. It probably is because your daughter is autistic and sees the world differently. My son is the same, he’s 3.

She probably figured it out on her own because really, it doesn’t make sense that cartoons aren’t real people and Santa can’t possibly visit everybody and deliver presents on flying reindeer in a matter of a few hours.

It is devastating, I feel like I miss out on the magic too but you just have to embrace them and see the funny side in it all. When she’s older it won’t matter so much.

oakleaffy · 20/12/2023 11:58

Somepeoplearesnippy · 20/12/2023 11:54

Knowing that something is 'pretend' doesn't mean it can't be thrilling and bring happiness, even joy.

All art is 'pretend'. All fictional literature is 'pretend'. All drama, on stage and screens of every size is 'pretend'. All video games and cosplay are 'pretend' but across the world billions of people are fully immersed in all these life enhancing experiences every day and have been since the first prehistoric man drew the first pretend buffalo on a cave wall.

Tinkerbell at the pantomime in Peter Pan is pretend- but Audiences throughout the decades cheer her back to life at every performance 🎭.

NellyBarney · 20/12/2023 12:00

My daughter is autistic and was the same at that age. My son, non ASD, wasn't, but it was clear that he 'wanted' to believe and joined in with the making up of stories. Young children are not stupid. They of course can see that Santa wears a fake beard, and they of course wonder how there can be loads of different Santas that all look and sound different in the shopping centre, at toddler group, in nursery etc. They choose to engage in make belief. Many autistic children don't enjoy make belief, but a child doesn't need to be autistic to realise it's all fake.

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