My daughter knows that everything is fake

[Krismuss]

I don’t know what has gone wrong here. My 3 year old daughter knows everything is fake. A few examples - I took her to see Santa - afterwards I asked if she enjoyed it and she said “yes, but it’s only pretend isn’t it?”
We went to Disneyland earlier this year and I said “wow look DD, a real princess castle!” And she said “silly mummy, it’s not real”. Same with the characters - she knew they were just people playing dress up.

Last week I took her to a party and “Elsa” was there. “Elsa” danced with her and when we got home I told DH that DD had been dancing with Elsa - DD said “not the real Elsa though, because it’s not real, only pretend”.

I said to her this morning “you best be good because Father Christmas is watching!” And she again said “it’s not real mummy”

she has no older siblings or relatives that would tell her this and she isn’t at school or nursery. Why doesn’t she believe in anything? :-( I feel like there is no point in doing the usual small child activities because she knows it’s all fake. Even at the Christmas market there were reindeers there and I said “I wonder which one is rudolf?” And she said “they’re just reindeers, none are rudolf”.

DH hasn’t told her anything is fake either, he’s as perplexed as I am. So not to drip feed she is on the waiting list for autism assessment, could this have something to do with it?

Just sounds clever to me. My sons quite clever so it used to blow my mind he still believed a fairy flew through the window for his tooth at about 5/6, didn’t seem possible with the rest of his personality.

She’s smart and clearly not going to let anyone pull the wool over her eyes. This is a fantastic trait for a young girl

She’s intelligent and probably isn’t as gullible as most children - absolutely nothing wrong with that!

DS(8) is going to see/do a Santa experience today and he’s rolling his eyes about it like he has done for several years now. He doesn’t believe but goes along with it, but friends and relatives kids are a mix of believers/non-believers at ages 6-10.

Hopefully she still really enjoys these experiences even though she knows it's make believe.

Why are people saying she is autistic? She is just smart! My mum says I deduced Santa wasn't real when I was four. She took me to see Santa and he gave me a Donny Osmond badge ( I was not a fan), and I pronounced that Santa would hardly be wearing platform shoes (it was the 70s)😀 Not all kids are gullible, it certainly didn't spoil Xmas for me!

I was like this as well as a kid. I'm a very literal/logical person so I just couldn't accept the "magic" aspects of Santa coming down a chimney etc. And we lived in a flat in Asia anyway.

I still find things like poetry hard to figure out. When someone reads me a poem they've written I just can't see past whether they are feeling like that or not.

Neither of mine believed these things either but pretended to go along with it for the fun of it! They are cynical kids in general though, couldn't ever get away with playing an April Fool's joke on them either.

Because OP says her daughter is awaiting an autism assessment, and disbelief in make belief/fairytales is a common "trait" of autism.

YANBU but honestly your daughter sounds amazing, super smart! I would have high hopes for her.

She is a discerning, bright little button. Enjoy her for who she is.

When she says this you can participate in her world view AND teacher something new, which is to find joy or value in experiences for what they are. We don’t need to dismiss things just because they aren’t real. Characters in books are not real. Acting / theatre / film is all about enjoying creative imagination or learning about the profound universal truths that can be communicated through made up stories. So, Santa in his grotto is not real, but the timeless experience of quiet one-to-one time with an elderly gentleman who is Interested in hearing all about you and the good things you have done is valuable. Dancing is a joy in itself and Disney is good at helping people let go of everyday drudgery, so they can lift their spirits for a little while. Christmas does the same. Teach her to appreciate what is real about these things. It’s quite a grown up approach, but it would help her not be too cynical.

She sounds very sensible and clever. It's not real. I've always thought it's really odd that we pretend that it is! I never did with my kids.

My son knew all of these things were made up too, because we didn't ever pretend otherwise, and he still enjoyed Christmas, make believe, creativity etc. Somehow your daughter has 'cottoned on' that it's all just made up, but that doesn't mean she cannot still enjoy it all!

@Krismuss

It’s 100% related to autism, DS is AuDHD and was exactly the same. He had no truck with any of the make-believe aspects of Christmas from a really young age, plus he has a phobia of people in costumes

My 4yo DS is the same. He's just very literal. I do suspect we have some neurodivergence in the family but nobody's ever been assessed or diagnosed. DS has some other traits that I think may be indicative of autism but could also be normal 4yo development (difficulty transitioning between activities etc) so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

That's interesting, I never knew that. RE at school is a particular problem for my DD 13 as she refuses to engage with it as it's "all make believe" and hates the subject. She has other mild autistic traits too but I've haven't had her assessed.

Aw, there's a seed of belief there still though isn't there. 'not the real Elsa', 'it's not Rudolph'. DD was maybe not quite so little but certainly preschool. We told her some monsters (can't even remember what) weren't real and she extrapolated fast.
My policy was neither lie directly nor admit anything isn't real directly (except monsters), but wink and play along and admit the child to the conspiracy. I expect Rudolph is very busy this time of year eh DD?
And you'll need to work out a way of swearing her to secrecy before she starts school or she'll be disillusioning all her classmates!

Im the opposite as an autistic i believed it all but then when I found out it was all fake I was really upset that all these people lied to me and felt humiliated and pissed off. I don't understand why we are made to tell these lies.

I used to have a phobia of people in costumes too!

Good for her.

I found it quite stressful as a child to have to pretend along to stuff like this to please adults.

OP I wondered as saw as I read to half way through is your DD potentially autistic. My autistic son was exactly the same. He never really believed. He is to black and white for that. It didn't ruin the magic though if anything it helped it because once he found out for sure at 6 the secret he started to love Christmas and not get so overwhelmed. As a parent I was quite upset but we found different ways to celebrate Christmas. Snuggly Christmas films, lots of Christmas crafting at home, looking at Christmas house decorations etc. My younger 2 kids are so excited by Santa and haven't questioned it so far (7 and 4) but dc1 just encourages the magic.

My son was like that too- we finally told him this year aged ten, just after telling ds 12 who looked like we’d broken his world. I don’t know what to tell you to do, we kept it going because we had two other believers, I don’t know what we’d have done otherwise!

I knew everything wasn't real very early on, probably around the same age as your daughter. It never spoiled Christmas for me, though. If anything it'll be less stressful for you because you're not worried about keeping the secret anymore.

DD was exactly the same. She’s very scientific and recently diagnosed with ADHD.

DLP is her second home and she plans a to work a gap year there after school, despite her first response to walking up Main Street aged 3.5 being to shout that I shouldn’t be frightened, the characters are just grown ups dressed up.

She’s 13 and delightful. We’ve never missed the Santa, tooth fairy, Easter bunny crap. Other things are far more magical.

Does she play imaginative games at home? There's still fun in suspending disbelief and enjoying the magic, even if it's made up.

Nothing has ‘gone wrong’ OP she sounds amazing, good on her for not believing all the BS DC get fed!

Continue to do these things, it doesn’t mean she isn’t enjoying them, just savvy enough not to fall for over hype.