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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's fair that mum does all need night feeds and dad sleeps..

171 replies

jimbobsboots · 20/12/2023 08:34

As dad works outside home Monday to Friday 8-4? And if weekend feeds are shared ?
Newborn baby taking bottle only.

OP posts:
SometimesMaybe · 20/12/2023 08:36

yes - but dad should be doing any feeds before 11/midnight so mum can go to bed by 9 and in theory get a good chunk of sleep before first post midnight wake up.
Dad will still get a good 7 hours.

Marblessolveeverything · 20/12/2023 08:37

Is dad a surgeon? Driving as a job?

We split the night feeds so dad did the late one which gave me a chance to get 8 hours and then I did the next shift.

Depending on baby you both could be working outside the home and still be woken up. I would start sharing from say 1.

Sirzy · 20/12/2023 08:37

Depends what dad is doing the time between work and bed really.

Tailfeather · 20/12/2023 08:38

Mine helped out and left at 6am and didn't get back until 7pm. How many night feeds are we talking? By 3 months my DS was having a feed at about 7pm, one at about 11pm, one at about 4am and then went back to sleep until about 9am. We took it in turns for the 11pm and 4am one. I often did the 4am one as went to sleep as soon as he got back from work so had had a good 8 hours sleep by then and then could doze again until he woke up 9ish.

Namefleeting · 20/12/2023 08:38

You'll get a range of replies. Don't forget, mum needs sleep so she can feel able to look after LO during the day, drive safely etc. I breast fed and did do all night wakings, but my babies settled easily and we co slept.

If mum isn't sleeping much at night, and is not able to sleep in the day, how do you think she will cope?

DoloresOnTheDottedLine · 20/12/2023 08:39

Personally, I think it’s “fair” to consider it night by night rather than make a blanket decision. If mum is okay with doing the weeknight feeds and is getting enough sleep to function, then it sounds sensible. But if not, then dad needs to pitch in too, regardless of work. Newborn babies are exhausting and the load needs to be shared so that everyone gets some sleep and can operate to a reasonable level the next day.

Beezknees · 20/12/2023 08:39

For me it depends on the job really. If it's something like driving, surgeon etc where lives are at risk then fair enough. If it's a job like mine sending emails from home all day then I don't see why he couldn't do a couple of night feeds.

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2023 08:40

It depends entirely on the circumstances.

A child who doesn’t sleep at all will drive the mother to breaking point very quickly without support overnight.

One easy wake up and feed and straight back? Fine.

febbabies2023 · 20/12/2023 08:41

Again yes - but as PP said dad should do last feed / dream feed at 10/11 so mum can sleep before the night feeds

DP used to do a feed at 10 and then first feed around 6/6:30 before work (he's low sleep needs compared to me) which I was grateful for

Merryoldgoat · 20/12/2023 08:41

Beezknees · 20/12/2023 08:39

For me it depends on the job really. If it's something like driving, surgeon etc where lives are at risk then fair enough. If it's a job like mine sending emails from home all day then I don't see why he couldn't do a couple of night feeds.

Also this.

EvilElsa · 20/12/2023 08:42

We always split so that each parent got a block amount of sleep.
DH would look after the baby until midnight when I would sleep from 9pm until then. I'd take over waking up from midnight to morning. We would share weekends. Worked well for us, but we both had fairly "easy" babies.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/12/2023 08:42

No i don't think it's fair that in the week one parent continues as normal and one parent is potentially completely knackered, still trying to recover from birth and driving around on potentially little sleep. As a new parent you should expect to be a bit tired, even when you're working. It can be done and otherwise the dad is in for a shock once the mum goes back to work and the baby is waking as picking up nursery illnesses etc. One of my babies woke 7x a night, I literally couldn't have coped on my own at night

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2023 08:43

jimbobsboots · 20/12/2023 08:34

As dad works outside home Monday to Friday 8-4? And if weekend feeds are shared ?
Newborn baby taking bottle only.

If the baby is up all hours and the mum is so exhausted that she has to go to bed at 8.30pm, are the feeds between then and when the DH goes to bed, ‘night’ feeds?

BabyYoshke · 20/12/2023 08:45

The mother is working looking after the baby all day long. She needs sleep too. No, it’s not fair. Dad should either feed until midnight or do one feed during the night.

Didimum · 20/12/2023 08:45

No that’s not how I see it. Mum’s maternity leave or SAHM job is taking care of child all day, and it’s just as tiring and important as dad’s employment. All child-related chores outside of formal working hours should be split.

When I was on mat leave with my twins, I recall my BIL telling me I should let my husband sleep through the night because ‘he’ll be tired for his job’. I’ve looked down on him ever since and it’s clear why his wife is so exhausted and stressed all the time.

HippeePrincess · 20/12/2023 08:45

I did all night feeds as breastfeeding but, my partner would give me weekend lie ins and did more than his fair share of cooking, housework etc and I would co-nap in the day.
Now baby is older and we’ve had teething issues when he needs settling but doesn’t require feeding DP has done some of the night wakings on a week night as I’d had no sleep at all. He also did a couple of early shifts so I could go to bed (or have a bath) for 3 hours and he would do a contact sleep with baby.
I think it depends on how bad sleep is, and what job dad does.

YouveGotAFastCar · 20/12/2023 08:46

No, not really. Sleep deprivation is a killer, mentally and literally.

I did the first 8 weeks of wake ups as baby was breastfed but DH would wake up with me and do nappy changes etc. Then DH did one of the overnight feeds with expressed milk. I went back to work full time then; DH used to bring baby to me for feeds. Then I had to travel with work at 7 months and took baby but not DH, he got out of the habit and I've done the night wakings and worked full time since... DS is nearly two and wakes three or four times a night.

I'm not saying this to be a martyr - I'd do it differently if we did it again! - but to say that the Dad does not need to be sleeping through and leaving all the responsibility to the Mum unless he's a brain surgeon.

Even the pilot I know well does some night feeds.

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2023 08:46

Not fair at all. Mum is working all day looking after the baby, then working all night looking after the baby. At the very least Dad needs to do before midnight and after 6 in the morning.

autienotnaughty · 20/12/2023 08:48

When I was on maternity leave ( I'm assuming the mother is not working?) I went to bed at 7pm dh did ds bedtime and feeds upto midnight so I got approx 5/6 hours sleep. I then took over and napped between feeds . We did same at weekends except we each got a lay in as well. Dh worked 9-5 mon-Fri with a 1 hour commute each way

Conkersinautumn · 20/12/2023 08:49

Generally, but things like being unwell, growth spurts having an impact etc and how the other day to day tasks fall. It is a finite thing as well, so I'd expect rioles.to change.

CanaryCanary · 20/12/2023 08:49

It’s not something you can make a blanket rule on.

with our eldest, we assumed I’d do all night feeds as DH had a responsible job, and needed to get solid sleep.

But DS1 was a terrible sleeper - woke every 45 mins for months and months. By the time he was 6 months old, I was clinically exhausted to the point that my GP said my blood tests were worrying and I would be hospitalised for exhaustion within the next couple of weeks. Was that fair? Or even safe? I was looking after a baby all day while basically insane from sleep deprivation.

So you just can’t make a blanket rule.

The best way to think of it is that both partners need to be happy and healthy and able to enjoy some leisure time. Then you balance things between you to make that happen.

KombuchaKalling · 20/12/2023 08:50

No. Parenting is a 24/7 job and both parents lives need to change

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/12/2023 08:51

DH did up to midnight and I went to bed as early as necessary to get a few hours sleep whilst he looked after the babies, after midnight I let him sleep. He was always good at getting up with older babies/toddlers when they woke for the day (one dc went through what seemed quite a long period of waking and getting up at 5.00am)

Nosleepforthismum · 20/12/2023 08:52

Sorry but DH works 7-7 and still did his fair share of night feeds. I did the majority of course but if I was struggling, he didn’t hesitate to take the baby so I could sleep.

Only a complete arsehole would leave the mother of his child exhausted and struggling to cope because he had to go to work for 8 hours a day.

SecondUsername4me · 20/12/2023 08:52

Sunday-thurs nights - Dc1 I did any feeds between her 11pm dream feed (dad) and her 6am feed (dad). He used to get her up at 6, take her to the living room and do feed and nappies then get himself dressed and just before he left for work would put her back into her crib. We would both wake at 9am. I would have then done 1am/3am feeds.

Fri night dad was "on duty" 6pm onwards and I'd get up at 6am with the baby and dad then slept in as late as he wanted.

Sat night I was on duty from 6pm and dad would get up at 6am with the baby and I'd sleep in as long as I needed.

Dc2 we revisited and changed the whole lot as we had a toddler (dad did all toddler wakes) and newborn (I did all newborn wakes).