To think it's fair that mum does all need night feeds and dad sleeps..

[jimbobsboots]

As dad works outside home Monday to Friday 8-4? And if weekend feeds are shared ?
Newborn baby taking bottle only.

I agree with this, you need to work it out as a couple. Husband definitely needs to do his share, even if they're not doing night feeds as he doesn't get to work 8-4, 5 days a week, and you do 24/7. That might be a good place to start. There are so many variables and it's important you work as a team as the resentment can set in very quickly. Speaking from experience what I found hard was I thought I had it all figured out (was happy to do everything), but then when the baby arrived, it suddenly dawned on me just how hard it all is! I actually did well for about 5 months and managed, but then just hit a wall. It's really important to have open communication with your partner and to share the load, whatever that looks like for you. There are too many variables for anyone to tell you what this should or shouldn't look like.

I did all night feeds because I was BF I could express a bit but not loads so DH would do a feed around 10pm, I would go to sleep about 9/9:30, DS was not a good sleeper but I only had one child so I could choose to spend the next day at home, DH had to go to work and I know his job is exhausting and very stressful particularly emotionally and psychologically because I used to do it. DH did most of the housework and he would get up early at the weekends to let me sleep in.
I love to cook so I used to hand him DS when he walked through the door, I got a break from the velcro baby , I got some space, we both got dinner

That seems extremely fair for the first night home where the mother is recovering from birth and the father is presumably on leave.

I did all the night feeds etc when mine were babies - it never bothered me. I caught up during the day when they slept. DH would have been useless at night because he was driving / working all day. I can't see the point of trying to force the father to stay up at night , when the mother is at home on leave .

I bf so obv different I couldn't hand over the boobs 😂

But my sis had a baby around the same time and bottle fed, both of us did most of the night feeds. Yes you are exhausted and you still need to mind a small baby the next day but you can hopefully get a little rest here/there. The first 6 weeks I mostly sat on the couch or took very short walks.

BUT when DH got home I used to hand DS over and go straight to bed for a while because I was wrecked. I had pre made tonnes of frozen meals and that's what we mostly lived off. DH would sort laundry.

DH is a farmer so it can be very dangerous if he is exhausted.

There were night though when I woke him and said you need to take DS he isn't settling. He would and I'd immediately fall asleep

If mums up all night then she needs to sleep from 5-10pm - that's what I did when my baby was tiny.

My friend's husband said 'You chose to breastfeed, so the night's are on you.' They're are getting divorced now!

Are dads arms and legs painted on that he's unable to get his ass out of bed to feed his child? He made that baby, he can get up sometimes during the night.

What happens when mum goes back to work and baby is up during the night? Has mum to persevere and crack on while dad gets a full nights sleep?

Because the mother deserves equal rest? Daytime sleeping is also 1) Not an option for probably majority of mothers and 2) Not as restorative as nighttime sleep as your body will not enter deep phases of sleep.

We did this but my partner did the evening feed and the first waking up feed

No I don't think it's fair (outside of very specific situations such as the dad is a surgeon or operating heavy machinery).

It's not just about the here and now: it's about the precedent that's set for the future.

If a family establishes early on that the care of feeding of a child is as much the dad's responsibility as that of the mum, it's likely to breed good habits and also presents a good role model for the kids.

The damage of seeing that mum does everything in the home and dad has an "important breadwinning job" (even if the job is just pushing emails) which requires him to sit on his arse on the sofa playing with his phone for hours while mum rushes around far outweighs the risk of a bloke being a bit tired at 4pm every day.

Similar to how we did it, but DH is a light sleeper and woke anyway. Would often sort bottles out or do a change and then get more kip while I did the bottle. I made sure he got a decent sleep because he operates machines so needs to be on the ball for that. I still did weekends but only because I chose to, I suffer with insomnia so made it work for me rather than against me. If I needed a night off or half a night to get some sleep he would step up gladly.

DD is 2 now so not up a lot through the night but DH will get up and see to her if she cries.

As long as the other half isn't a slacker, and it doesn't become a "it's not my night" thing if it needs to change / illnesses / you need extra sleep etc.

I did all the night feeds because i didn’t think it was fair when my husband was out at work all day. I could doze on the sofa in the day if i had to or have a chill out day at home. He used to do last feed about 11pm and then i’d do the rest & he’d maybe do a morning one as well but dd was a food sleeper and was sleeping through by a few months.

when 2 & 3 came at once and both had reflux and were up all night unsettled then he had to be up in the night too. I felt bad but not only was i exhausted i physically coudln’t carry both one once past a certain age and i’d also had a section. They didn’t sleep through til 2 and 3 though but ir got easier as they dropped bottles as they had to be sat up after every feed. Generally my son would sleep upstairs with my husband as he was least likely to wake or be as upset & less likely to disturb my older daughter. His twin i would take downstairs and sit up most of the night with as she was horrendous for most of the first year so i still did the bulk of it but couldn’t be upstairs at the same time (i think i’ve blocked most of it out!)

It was fair for us when I had DC2 and DC3. We had other children and we had to share it in a way that no one was negatively impacted.
I was ebf at the beginning so there was no feed to share.
He slept and woke up refreshed, got the older DC’s ready, breakfast for all of us ( mine made and covered if I was still sleeping), took them to school and then goes to work. I slept when DC napped as well and was well refreshed at pick up time. I made dinner and he’ll then come home and do bed time with the older ones, tidying up etc. I always had like 7 hours sleep daily albeit broken. It worked for us. At the weekend, he still slept through and I did the night feed, difference was that he could also take the baby in the day after feeding so I can catch up on sleep and then he was available for the older ones. Other household chores are also shared based on our strengths.
After maternity leave, I also work full time so we both do what each one of us can do best. Good thing is that there’s around 5 years age difference between our 3 so we were never overwhelmed at any point in time.

My husband has never done a night feed but I did BF couldn't be arsed to pump, didn't want to use formula. He works in a dangerous field which includes hours or motorway driving. Never resented him, we both have our roles

Different babies need different things.

I bf so couldn't hand that over. For a few months with DS2 I went to bed at 6pm, got up at midnight. DH had him 6-12 and brought him in for feeds.

DS1 we had no idea and bubbled round. We usually did shifts though, one until 12-1 ish and then switch over.

What's the plan if baby still wakes when mums back at work? My 5 year old still gets up sometimes, will dad not take the child back to bed in those circumstances?

So I'm going against the grain here but my husband does the night feeds, and he works.
The difference is I struggle with depression and anxiety which sends me into a deep spiral if I don't sleep. Also if I wake in the night in not someDH on the other hand I

Days old baby? It doesn’t matter how important dads job is or how long his commute is Mum had just birthed a child.

Oops, I'm not someone who can go straight back to sleep.
DH on the other hand can go back down to sleep within less than a minute. He's a light sleeper so would wake up anyway and our baby has a quick feed once or twice in the night and then goes down herself very quickly.

I know it's totally out of the ordinary but it works for us as a unit!

Also, do I feel like I owe my husband loads for doing it? Not really, sometimes I feel. Bit guilty if I think about it, but I literally do everything else. I clean, cook, wash, keep the baby happy, keep our older child happy. The only thing he really has to do is the night feeds.

When I hear of other mums who only do the night feeds and their husband doesn't, I always hope that they're not doing everything else as well!

@pinkfink I could have written your posts. My DH falls back to sleep quickly, copes better on less sleep, and I had severe PND and anxiety that was worse with no sleep.
I breastfed so still did the feeds, but DH would get up, check nappy etc, bring her to me, go back to sleep while I fed her, and then take her away and settle her back to sleep again. I didn't have to get out of bed.

My DH did exactly this.
He also always did (and still does) half the housework.

When I went back to work, it was at the weekend, so he did everything for the children while I was out, put washing on, cooked a meal for us all and was an equal partner in every way.

The damage of seeing that mum does everything in the home and dad has an "important breadwinning job" (even if the job is just pushing emails) which requires him to sit on his arse on the sofa playing with his phone for hours while mum rushes around far outweighs the risk of a bloke being a bit tired at 4pm every day.

Well said.

These threads always make me wonder about mums who are surgeons, air traffic controllers or drivers. I bet they cope on broken sleep when they go back to work. Why are men so weak that they can't adapt in the same way?

And that somehow theres a comparison between the dad being tired from disrupted sleep & mum whose entire body & brain is in recovery AND sleep deprived. They are not close to the same thing.

As PPs have said, depends on the dad's job, the mum's state of mind, etc. I did all night feeds because baby was primarily breastfed, but I would go to bed at about 8:30pm. Wife would do bottle dream feed about 10/10:30pm, and during school holidays (she's a teacher) would also do first night feed with a bottle so that I could get a rare stretch of uninterrupted sleep!