To think it's fair that mum does all need night feeds and dad sleeps..

[jimbobsboots]

As dad works outside home Monday to Friday 8-4? And if weekend feeds are shared ?
Newborn baby taking bottle only.

I agree that it is dependent on the baby and the couple.

I did all the night wakings for the first 1.5 years as I was breastfeeding and dc wouldn't sleep without me. We co-slept.

I would get a block of sleep by going to bed at the same time as the baby (10pm ish) and getting up at noon - DC would wake every few hours until then). So I got quite a lot of sleep in two hour chunks!

But if I hadn't breastfed or co-slept? Or DC woke up every 45 mins? Or I had other children I needed to be up early for? Or I was back at work after 3 mo myself? Yes, I might expect DH to share the pain.

Even though I did the night wakings DH would clean the house etc to share the load.

Baby is days old. First night home from hospital mum slept through and dad took baby overnight in same house but different rooms as dad needed to sleep through for work the following day.
Is this fair to you?

So I'll say again, the dad should have taken paternity leave. His work isn't going to remember him heroically going into work the day or week after his baby came home. It's a serious societal issue - men need to man up and sort out their priorities.

So you want your surgeon/dentist/radiographer to get used to being tired and potentially making poor decisions?

This. Its not fair at all for mum to do it all. Her work looking after the baby is just as important as his

Absolutely not fair.

It also sets mum up as the default parent at night and then if she goes back to work after maternity leave, all of a sudden she's working and still doing the night wake ups (if any) because 'baby/toddler won't settle' for dad.

One of the reasons why we formula fed from birth was so it could be shared from the very start. We took shifts.

and if the surgeon/dentist/radiographer is a woman?

I am one of those. If baby still sleeps poorly when I return to work then yes I'll have to learn to work tired. Once you get used to it you can function surprisingly well on about 5 hrs sleep

I had twins, a difficult birth lost huge amounts of blood - have never been so tired in my entire life - I couldn’t stay awake to feed the babies at night. Dh did most of them until I recovered. Good job we weren’t keeping score - the new born stage can be very hard especially if you don’t work as a team

The Mother is also recovering from pregnancy and birth. It depends on the baby, how easy a parent falls back asleep and whether the Mother is on her arse with tiredness. My labour meant I was awake for over 25 hours. To say I was tired was an understatement.

Ds1 was back into hospital and on a cardiac unit at 5 days old so the whole sleep when he sleeps went out the window as I was watching over him whilst he slept. It was terrifying. Dh and I did shifts through the night because he is able to sleep standing up whereas if I was awake at 3am I struggled to get back to sleep. He also had a big important job but it is called parenting. We were a tag team, letting each other sleep in the day or the evening to catch up on sleep.

So no I do not believe that a Dad gets uninterrupted sleep just because he works outside the home. You do what works for you without resentment building up.

No it's not fair. DS22 just had his first child & one of my first bits of advice was to support mum during the nights, even breastfeeding, as much as he can. I clearly remember sitting bfeeding in the night quietly sobbing whilst DH slept next to me - I've never ever felt so exhausted, lonely & broken.

We have a newborn and a toddler. I generally go to bed around 7:30pm and my husband puts toddler to bed at 9pm and then brings the baby up to me at 11:30pm. It works for us for now because I get a solid 4 hours at the start of the night rather than just an hour or 2 at a time.

I then take over then for the night. I'm breastfeeding and just expressing enough for the evening bottle during my 4 hour sleep, so doing all the night feeds but if my husband hears that I'm struggling to put him down after a feed during the night then he'll offer to try and settle him and put him down for me. He looks after any toddler nighttime wakeups too (which are pretty rare).

I very much feel like we're a team and I'm well supported which makes all the difference in these newborn days.

I agree with this.

The mum is working too and has to keep the baby safe during the day, which is much harder if she's absolutely knackered and liable to fall asleep holding it.

I bf my baby but we always split the nights, even though I did all the feeds. I'd go to bed and DP would sit up with her, and then we'd swap. He would never have said I need to do everything through the night because he has to go to work! It's a tiring time for both parents. Maternity leave is not 'being off work'.

Dad should do last feed before bed 11pm and first feed in morning Sunday to Thursday. Mum do night feeds Sunday to Thursday

mum should do last feed before bed 11pm and first feed in morning Friday and Saturday night. Dad do night feeds Friday Saturday

Mine were both breastfed and neither would accept anything other than breast during the night. I did each and every night feed.

My husband worked away and did (and still does) a lot of driving so I felt for us, it was important he slept so he wasn’t tired at the wheel. He would regularly leave between 4-5am for a 2-3 hour drive and do 10 hours before returning between 8-9pm. He needed more sleep than me to carry out his daytime activities (IMO) and so I accepted the night feeds as my responsibility.

If they’re working 8am-4pm with not much of a commute I don’t see why they cant do one or two night wakings. It’s rare I have a night of undisturbed sleep with a now 2 and 4 year old and I manage a days work.

Dad should add Leo do his fair share of household tasks and take the baby for a couple of hours each day (with half time weekends)

You said it before me - absolutely agree.

It also depends on how mum is coping and how dangerous dads job is. A lorry driver or nhs operating consultant will need more sleep due to risk levels

No, men need to well man up, they are stronger and have more energy and so need to do their fair share regardless which might well be more than 50% to be honest

No it's not fair because then the probability is that mum does all care work during the weekdays.

If the job is more important than the baby being looked after safely and the mother's health and wellbeing then yes x

I don't think their is a blanket rule as everyone's relationship and circumstance is different. The most important thing is...does the mum think it's fair.

I breastfed our DS so I did all night feeds, I loved that time in the night together, when DH was on pat leave, I then stayed in bed in the morning, I also went back to bed to chill through the day if I wanted to in between feed.
Once DH was back at work ad soon as he walked back in the door he wanted do be with our DS so I then got to go an relax if I wanted. It was good in that I used to have a table set up with laptop, remotes, books, snacks and drinks so if DS fell asleep on me through the day - feet up, chill out and I was relaxing.

It's what you are happy with that matters.
I think the father need to make sure they are taking their fair share on.

Dad should have organised 2 weeks leave at the very least. My EXH emphasis on the EX refused to take any leave and looking after a baby 24/7 from day 2 was the absolute pits. I was so exhausted, I cried constantly. I cried when the midwife arrived and asked how I was. She was horrified I was looking after the baby by myself and asked me to call for back up. I called my mil and she said she was “busy” . My ex made me keep taking the baby downstairs in the night so he could get his sleep. Awful.

Are you mum or dad? If neither then trust them to figure out what works.

For us i did more of the night feeds after dh went back to work (3 weeks after baby born). When i was particularly tired dh did more at night. Wasn't a set rule. At weekends he did more at night, i am more of a morning person so i have done more early starts at weekends.

I think sleep is a basic need for everyone whether they work out of the home or not.

If one parent is a surgeon or a lorry driver or something it's different but otherwise I think it should be 50:50.

Absolutely not.
My husband did not get to do eight hours at his job to my quite frankly all day job with my newborn not to mention it is dangerous for mum to exist on not much sleep.
We shared the night feeds fortunately my child only woke up once pretty much ever but we did the grunt together I did nappy he fed or vice versa, he wouldn't have admitted it at the time but has since admitted he enjoyed that moment all three of us together.