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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's fair that mum does all need night feeds and dad sleeps..

171 replies

jimbobsboots · 20/12/2023 08:34

As dad works outside home Monday to Friday 8-4? And if weekend feeds are shared ?
Newborn baby taking bottle only.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 20/12/2023 08:52

If the baby is 'newborn' then the dad should have sorted out some paternity leave.

Passingthethyme · 20/12/2023 08:53

I think it depends on the people and the situation (and how much the baby sleeps!), I was happy to do all night feeds as a SAHM as the dad was working as I thought that was fair. He needs to be on his 'game' and keep his job, whereas I didn't. I also think initially your hormones are helping you alot that the father simply doesn't have. I was EBF so it was much easier as well to just get up, turn a lamp on, feed, then sleep again. Also if I vaguely recall night breast milk/feeding also is meant to aid in better sleep too. I didn't really find it any problem.

The first month or so though, when baby had to feed every 3 hours, he stayed awake until about midnight and watched the baby so I could get a decent chunk of sleep as that time was quite brutal.

SecondUsername4me · 20/12/2023 08:53

ErrolTheDragon · 20/12/2023 08:52

If the baby is 'newborn' then the dad should have sorted out some paternity leave.

A 3/4 week old is still a newborn.

Spendonsend · 20/12/2023 08:54

It will depend on the couple and the baby and the job. Its a loving partnership where you work together to look out for each other best you can. You cant know even day to day how that might look.

TwoShades1 · 20/12/2023 08:54

Seems fine by me. I was a stay at home mum with no other kids. I also exclusively breastfed, so I was doing all the feeds anyway.

Tandora · 20/12/2023 08:54

It depends on the job, but looking after a baby is more tiring than most jobs so probably YABU. If dad has an an office job, no it’s not fair on mum.

ConflictofInterest · 20/12/2023 08:55

That's how we did it although I carried on doing night feeds at weekends too, and all baby care day and night. But baby is now 6 and has no bond with Dad at all really, neither do I to be honest.

Tandora · 20/12/2023 08:56

TwoShades1 · 20/12/2023 08:54

Seems fine by me. I was a stay at home mum with no other kids. I also exclusively breastfed, so I was doing all the feeds anyway.

mum in this case isn’t breastfeeding. Breastfeeding and cosleeping is arguably a lot more manageable than bottle feeding a baby in the night.

GrouchyKiwi · 20/12/2023 08:56

Agree it depends on the baby and how well she sleeps. If the Mum is up often through the night then 5 days in a row of this would be too much to handle and Dad should take one night in the middle of the week. IME it's a fallacy that you can sleep during the day when the baby sleeps.

Passingthethyme · 20/12/2023 08:57

Passingthethyme · 20/12/2023 08:53

I think it depends on the people and the situation (and how much the baby sleeps!), I was happy to do all night feeds as a SAHM as the dad was working as I thought that was fair. He needs to be on his 'game' and keep his job, whereas I didn't. I also think initially your hormones are helping you alot that the father simply doesn't have. I was EBF so it was much easier as well to just get up, turn a lamp on, feed, then sleep again. Also if I vaguely recall night breast milk/feeding also is meant to aid in better sleep too. I didn't really find it any problem.

The first month or so though, when baby had to feed every 3 hours, he stayed awake until about midnight and watched the baby so I could get a decent chunk of sleep as that time was quite brutal.

That first month, he was on paternity so didn't have to wake up anyway for work. Husband should definitely be taking some leave if you have a newborn to help in that first month if their work allows.

margotrose · 20/12/2023 08:58

There are too many variables at play.

What does dad do for a living?
How high needs is baby and how quickly do they settle after feeds?
Which parent struggles the most to get back to sleep after being woken?

In general though I don't think mum should do all the night feeds during the week.

Dacadactyl · 20/12/2023 08:59

I think it's totally fair. I was breastfeeding tho so DH couldn't have helped anyway.

It's not like he got tons of sleep...the minute the kids woke up for their first night feed, I brought them into bed with us for the rest of the night anyway.

However our youngest was breastfed until over a year old, so on the odd occasion, DH would sleep in another room if he was knackered.

I was a SAHM til they went to school so just thought it was my job tbh. If id been back at work, it'd have probably caused some resentment. But, as I was off on mat leave (and 100% knew I wasn't going back), it worked really well.

BlazingWorld · 20/12/2023 09:00

If dad’s job was working as a nanny and housekeeper, full time, would it still be on mum to do all the night feeds to save him from being tired? Because that’s her job, and she should have sleep too.
When mine were babies, DH and I agreed that he was going off doing what he had always done and knew how to do, a job which involved mostly sitting at a computer, asking for help if needed and getting time to himself at lunchtime, whereas I was doing a new, very difficult, scary job all by myself with no breaks. I was breastfeeding so did all the feeds but he did a lot of night stuff, taking crying baby etc. And baby cried a lot.

2chocolateoranges · 20/12/2023 09:00

This is roughly how we did it. Dh works at heights so needs to be fully awake and aware at all times.

when ours were babies I would do the 8pm feed, go to bed and dh would stay awake and do the midnight feed, he would then put baby to bed, go to bed himself and I would do the 4 am feed. This would mean i would have a good 6hrs sleep and he then had the same before going to work.

this worked well for us and gave us both quality time to spend with our baby,

both of our babies dropped the 4am feed and slept through the night from being 2/3 months old,

Nineteendays · 20/12/2023 09:01

Is mum just chilling out between 8-4 or is she expected to look after the newborn which is exhausting? Who does housework and cooking? Does dad come in at 4pm and have a rest after work or does he help? When does mum get sleep? Need a lot more context!

Calamitousness · 20/12/2023 09:02

it’s a qualified yes, apart from weekends where it’s one night each and one long lie each. Having said that though, there are ways he can help without giving him sleep deprivation. My DH had a 1.5hour commute each way and on top of long hours, I didn’t want him exhausted and having an accident. However, while we both went to bed early during the week, he would feed the baby before he went to to work in am. So, around 6am he would give her a feed and that meant I got more hours in at that point. If he was staying up later he would keep the baby with him and feed before he went to bed. It all helped. Once the babies were 312 though I found you could get them to sleep for fairly long periods at night so it doesn’t always last long for all parents. I know not all babies are the same but by that age they have mostly all got potential to sleep longer as they’re a bit bigger and heavier.

GRex · 20/12/2023 09:03

What works for the couple and their particular baby with all other rest factors taken into account is what's best. For example - when can mum rest, is she someone who can nap in the day? Or does she like an early night? How often does the baby actually wake and why? Are there other children to look after? Is mum working too?

I breastfed, so I did every night BUT my baby usually woke to feed twice maximum (once when I went to bed), and I had a habit of napping 9-10.30am with him. If I was tired then DH would whisk him away 6-9am for an extra sleep, so I was all topped up. A friend meanwhile had a baby who would frequently be awake 5 hours in the 12-7 period, after multiple erratic wake-ups 7-12. nobody should try to survive that 5 nights in a row without help, so her DH had to do one full night and two half nights when she would go to bed really early.

KombuchaKalling · 20/12/2023 09:03

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/12/2023 08:42

No i don't think it's fair that in the week one parent continues as normal and one parent is potentially completely knackered, still trying to recover from birth and driving around on potentially little sleep. As a new parent you should expect to be a bit tired, even when you're working. It can be done and otherwise the dad is in for a shock once the mum goes back to work and the baby is waking as picking up nursery illnesses etc. One of my babies woke 7x a night, I literally couldn't have coped on my own at night

Totally agree. I didn’t see the point in my husband getting too comfortable whilst l was on annual leave as l would be returning to work for the same amount of hours as him. Plus we had twins

Calamitousness · 20/12/2023 09:04

312 = 3/12

VivaVivaa · 20/12/2023 09:04

Nope. Save for a small handful of exceptional jobs dad can be up in the night too if baby is bottle fed.

Ternbeach · 20/12/2023 09:07

To a point. Mum needs sleep too, she is looking after a tiny new born all day and is probably recovering from birth and feeling very overwhelmed. She can’t function on no sleep, she is human too. If it’s just a quick feed then sleep again fine, if mum is consistently getting no sleep then dad needs to step in, whether he’s working outside the home or not. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture, and it’s really important for the mum that she gets some sleep too. Dad consistently getting 8 hours and mum struggling on 4 will not end well.

mullyluo · 20/12/2023 09:09

Nope, don't think it's fair at all that one parent is completely shattered and the other sleeping as normal. My 6 week old baby doesn't sleep more than two hours. I do the first half of the night then dh takes over till morning. We both get a block of guaranteed uninterrupted sleep. I have other children to look after and driving to do during the day so need sleep too.

cranleighma · 20/12/2023 09:09

A newborn baby will spend a significant amount of time sleeping during day time so mum can rest then. Even if not sleeping it's a chance to put your feet up which you can't do at work. So I'd say that's reasonable.
IME it's much harder getting up in the night when you have to get up early and do a day's work. Obviously caring for a newborn can be demanding too but not in the same way.

The caveat to that is if there are lots of demands on the mum eg if she is looking after a toddler as well and needs to be alert to drive them to nursery. But if a first child then there's unlikely to be anything mum needs to go out for with a newborn

Dragonfly909 · 20/12/2023 09:10

Mum will also be working the next day, looking after and probably driving the baby around etc so also needs to get some decent sleep.

I breastfed both our kids but my partner helped by taking the first baby in the evening so I could sleep. Second baby he would help with, but the toddler still wakes so now we have one each and no one sleeps 😆

MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/12/2023 09:11

Not getting up with your baby because you're working 8-4 is an absolute cop out. My DH goes to work at 5.30 and gets home at 7 30. He still managed night feeds, and he's in a job where mistakes cost lives.

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