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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's fair that mum does all need night feeds and dad sleeps..

171 replies

jimbobsboots · 20/12/2023 08:34

As dad works outside home Monday to Friday 8-4? And if weekend feeds are shared ?
Newborn baby taking bottle only.

OP posts:
Ahwhatthehell · 20/12/2023 15:39

That Mum is recovering from labour should also be factored in.

AndThatWasNY · 20/12/2023 15:42

I did all the NFs. DH did all the other wake ups that were because of teething/pain/illness/being a baby and wanting a cuddle etc.
He was much more patient than me. He did make me a cup of tea and breakfast every single morning I did night feeds.

Nonplusultra · 20/12/2023 16:00

Hard no.
Sleep deprivation is a significant health risk.

There are many ways to divide up the work load but one which puts a health burden on one partner is exploitation.

If dad’s job is so important that he cannot share the burden of parenthood he should not take it on in the first place.

TrashedSofa · 20/12/2023 16:08

No chance, mother is recovering from pregnancy and birth.

oneproudmumma · 20/12/2023 16:12

If the baby is days old the dad should have paternity leave for a couple of weeks?

Oliotya · 20/12/2023 16:19

oneproudmumma · 20/12/2023 16:12

If the baby is days old the dad should have paternity leave for a couple of weeks?

Big important man job is far too important.

Starsnspikes · 20/12/2023 21:07

I find coping through the day after a night of interrupted sleep so much harder when I have my toddler to look after, versus when I'm spending the day at work (disclaimer, I'm not a surgeon).

I did most of the night feeds on mat leave due to my husband working full time, but since I went back to work we split any night wakings (illness, sleep regression etc) equally. Literally take it in turns through the night if it's a bad night. And I've realised that being sleep deprived and going to work definitely isn't as bad as having to get up knackered and put all your energy into childcare from morning until bedtime without a proper break!

gotomomo · 20/12/2023 21:18

I did all feeds (breastfed) but exh would have them from 8.30/9 until midnight unless they wanted feeding so I could sleep

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 20/12/2023 23:28

Didimum · 20/12/2023 08:45

No that’s not how I see it. Mum’s maternity leave or SAHM job is taking care of child all day, and it’s just as tiring and important as dad’s employment. All child-related chores outside of formal working hours should be split.

When I was on mat leave with my twins, I recall my BIL telling me I should let my husband sleep through the night because ‘he’ll be tired for his job’. I’ve looked down on him ever since and it’s clear why his wife is so exhausted and stressed all the time.

Edited

This 👏

Why do some people see caring for a newborn(s) as not being work?

We have twins too, if DH had simply left all night feeds to me I’d have hated those early months.

Libmama · 20/12/2023 23:35

I do all the (many) night feeds as I’m breastfeeding. DD is just 1 and I’m exhausted. DP gets up with her in the morning though and then I sleep as long as possible before he goes to work.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 21/12/2023 07:06

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 20/12/2023 23:28

This 👏

Why do some people see caring for a newborn(s) as not being work?

We have twins too, if DH had simply left all night feeds to me I’d have hated those early months.

Show quote history

I do agree if you're crazy exhausted, and twins would be something else But realistically looking after a newborn isn't the same if you have a job where you actively have to use your brain for difficult work (if your job requires minimal effort then of course you can do it on minimal sleep). I have a similar job to my DH so I know it's not something you can turn up to and do it half asleep, whereas looking after a newborn you can. Again with caveats, assuming you still get some sleep and the DH helps in weekends and with other house work too during the week because yes it is very hard work. I think what I'm really saying is both jobs are hard work, probably SAHM more, but for some people you have to be on form for your job or you won't have it for very long, and then everyone will be fucked. To put it bluntly.

autienotnaughty · 21/12/2023 07:43

I'm wondering who wrote the post? At first I thought dad but after reading further posts I'm thinking - mil??

CrazyHedgehogLover · 21/12/2023 07:50

Is this a joke? Dad obviously needs to help mum! Just got home from hospital? She’ll still be recovering from the birth! Probably absolutely exhausted from doing all the work of bringing baby into the world.. Ofcourse it’s fair that dad has to help with the night feeds for the first couple of weeks I would say!

also why doesn’t dad have paternity leave? Which is meant to be two weeks anyway, for this exact reason🤷‍♀️

TimetoPour · 21/12/2023 08:11

Mum and Dad need to learn to pull together and look after each other.

Why do you need a rigid routine of her turn/his turn?

Whist your DH works 8-4, you say he has a long commute. What time is he leaving & arriving home? Is he driving or could he have a sleep on a train? Does he help out with other chores around the house? If he is driving long hours, working as a surgeon etc, would he be dangerous through lack of sleep?

Are you able to catch a couple of hours here and there during the day? How often is baby feeding? What kind of break are you getting between feeds? Can you go to bed early and get a good block of sleep when he gets in and he then sleeps when you get up?

There are so many variables in this scenario and they will be forever changing as baby grows. You need to work together and both think about how you can look after each other.

MissTrip82 · 21/12/2023 08:29

I always wonder how people who think this way imagine women with difficult stressful jobs (more than 8 - 4……) manage.

the answer is: we get up. Both parents lives are impacted by a baby. Everyone is going to get less sleep for a while.

I also laugh everytime someone uses a surgeon or other doctor as an example of someone who’ll be getting a full eight hours…….I’m guessing these people don’t know many doctors. Mat leave was the most consistent sleep I’d had at night for years.

Nonplusultra · 21/12/2023 13:51

A friend of mine is a single mum, and was still breastfeeding when she went back to work at the meteorological service, where she was calculating shipping forecasts.

I suppose they should have hired an important man for the job really.

NotSorry · 21/12/2023 13:52

SometimesMaybe · 20/12/2023 08:36

yes - but dad should be doing any feeds before 11/midnight so mum can go to bed by 9 and in theory get a good chunk of sleep before first post midnight wake up.
Dad will still get a good 7 hours.

agree, that's how we used to do it

mrlistersgelfbride · 21/12/2023 13:59

Well yeah obviously it is unfair.
I don't think this is uncommon though.
It was the case for me, and why I only had the one child.

GinLover198 · 22/12/2023 07:36

Partner runs a business, if not working (or functioning) then no pay - so no paternity leave. They returned to work after we got home from hospital. I was on leave. With that said, I did all night feeds myself. If partner happened to be awake they’d help with a nappy change but that was a rare occurrence. Helped in many other ways but night times were my domain. Did this with all of ours. I’ve always been able to function on less sleep than partner so it works for us.

3luckystars · 22/12/2023 07:38

No I do not think it’s fair.

If the mother goes back to work, she will be expected to do ALL of this AND work. Do not ever do all of it. You must share for everyone’s sake.

Hedonism · 22/12/2023 07:41

This is all very transactional. Just muck in and help with the baby!

casualreader2022 · 22/12/2023 07:53

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 20/12/2023 08:42

No i don't think it's fair that in the week one parent continues as normal and one parent is potentially completely knackered, still trying to recover from birth and driving around on potentially little sleep. As a new parent you should expect to be a bit tired, even when you're working. It can be done and otherwise the dad is in for a shock once the mum goes back to work and the baby is waking as picking up nursery illnesses etc. One of my babies woke 7x a night, I literally couldn't have coped on my own at night

I agree with you. From experience, I was breastfeeding and it was easier for me to do the night shift so I always did the night wakings (still do). To start, partner did nappies at night and I did food and settling. I'd strongly recommend this.

Knowing what I know now though, I would have/should have shared the night wakings as my little got older (even though she was/is breastfeeding). Not so much for me or my little, but more for awareness and empathy from my partner of the night shift. The sleep regressions and teething are tough - especially when you have a little who doesn't sleep anyway - and I think it's caused a huge difference in energy levels and awareness.

TickyTacky · 22/12/2023 07:53

It has to be a joint decision and it likely varies rather than being a blanket decision. I had crippling pnd and a baby who woke every single hour for the first year of his life, and I was a sleep deprived wreck. We worked together because I couldn't cope. With number 2 who actually slept, I was ok to do the nights solo. Though in the early days we still split the overnight settling into shifts - though as I bf I was always available for feeding.

Spacecowboys · 22/12/2023 08:03

With baby no 1 , dp did the last feed at night and I would go to bed earlier. I then did the night feeds. With baby no 2 we shared the night feeds as I had a toddler at home then too so couldn’t catch up/ rest during the day like I could the first time round. Both were sleeping through the night by the time I went back to work after six months.

Chazzasaurus · 22/12/2023 09:28

Yes I would say that's fair. I (mum) do all the night feeds including weekends because I wake up regardless. Dad doesn't do the night feeds because he works. He will get home from work at 6 and do all feeds until 11 so that I can get early night if I choose to.