To think it's fair that mum does all need night feeds and dad sleeps..

[jimbobsboots]

As dad works outside home Monday to Friday 8-4? And if weekend feeds are shared ?
Newborn baby taking bottle only.

I kind of agree. But mine was breastfed and dad actually is a surgeon 😂 he kept getting up with me in those early days trying to help, and really, there's nothing he could do. I'd rather he was well rested then us both be exhausted.
If I'm having a tough night and need his help then I'll wake him and ask for it. He's much more involved at night now with our toddler if she needs us for any reason.

I agree with not making a blanket rule. Take it day by day (night by night) and see how everyone is coping. If mum is OK with the week night feeds then fine, but if she's not be ready to step in (and be gracious about it).

Looking after a baby all day and waking up at night (and depending on the baby, barely sleeping at all some nights) can drive you fucking insane.

I cant understand how anyone could just trot off to bed every night when their wife is on their knees with sleep deprivation, but so many do because 'she's on maternity leave and I have to work'.

I hate the attitude that being on maternity is basically a holiday, whilst the man keeps soldiering on. Looking after a baby is hard bloody work, mentally and physically.

Depends on quite how broken she is - if it’s really tough, a night week midweek might be really helpful to the family overall. (assuming he isn’t driving long distances or doing brain surgery.)

Otherwise more or less yes - however that’s with the proviso the father should be doing the premidnight feeds so she can get a period of uninterrupted early sleep. Looking after a baby allows flexibility a lot of jobs don’t, but it can be really tough, and it is still working.

Good grief. So Mum has carried the baby for nine months, most likely giving up certain foods/drink to ensure the baby thrives, given birth, has had body changes after all of that, and Dad cba to help her recover by doing a few night feeds? How feeble.

My XH wasn't a great husband in many ways (hence the X) but when our son was newborn he did every other night, all night. He would take the baby, in his Moses basket, downstairs and sleep on the sofa, waking to give ds1 his feeds.

This meant we both got a full, uninterrupted night's sleep every other night. XH was able to drop back to sleep very quickly in between feeds (me, not so much) and we both came through the newborn phase far more easily.

Unless the Dad is doing a driving job or operating on people he needs to step up.

Even though I breast fed I did not get up at night ..... my OH would fetch baby when she cried, bring her to me in bed where I fed her - then he would take her off to change nappy and settle.

Baby is days old. First night home from hospital mum slept through and dad took baby overnight in same house but different rooms as dad needed to sleep through for work the following day.
Is this fair to you?
How should this progress in interets of both parents sleep and day by day commitments .
Dad does last feed at night, first feed in mornings before work ? Mum does other three / four feeds?
Dad and mum share in the evenings ?

What else does dad do in the other 16 hours of the day? Does he pull his weight elsewhere?

Depends what dad's job is, how mum is coping and how baby is sleeping. Going to work doesn't automatically exempt him from night feeds. If mum is struggling he needs to suck it up and go to work a bit tired.

Dad has a long commute and works in high pressure environment. Mum has very little support except for first few weeks.

Depends entirely on the baby. First baby was up more than she slept, so even though I was BFing DH still did plenty of walking the floors and settling.

Second very quickly went to one feed so I didn't mind doing that, I was still doing ok for sleep. DH insisted on changing her though, which was really helpful as it meant I could go to the loo!

No decent man will see his wife on the bones of her arse with tiredness and think he deserves a full night's sleep because he works 8-4.

You also need to remember that sleep will ebb and flow, so any agreements between you both need to come with a giant, fuck off asterisk that arrangements will change when sleep changes.

For a fresh newborn, absolutely he needs to be getting up and helping. Mum is still recovering. Who expects to sleep through 5 nights a week with a day's old baby? Ridiculous.

Exactly.

Also, the aim should be that both parents are roughly equally rested.

My 3yo is still frequently up in the night, maternity leave is a relatively short period and women manage to go back to work with very broken sleep, so men can clearly do it too.

The extra factor when it's so early is that the mum needs to recover, so the dad should be facilitating that.

If baby is days old why is dad not on paternity? How was mums birth? Regardless of the birth she's still recovering, bleeding probably quite heavily, still exhausted from birthing said baby and possibly recovering with stitches or a c section

I think dad needs to suck it up for the first couple of weeks at least tbh.

We worked in 4-5 hour shifts in those first few weeks, we was like passing ships 😂. But I suppose it’s different if dad has no paternity leave. I’d say dad should do last feed of the day and mum do the night and dad first thing in the morning while mum sleeps in.
But this would just be general guidance, some nights you might be dog tired from a hard day with baby and need sleep and I think dad should step in at this point and let you have a rest. It’s not really a blanket approach situation.

What @SometimesMaybe said

Days old! Dad definitely needs to share the nights.

Both parents do half each, every night, depending how both are feeling.

Looking after a baby all day is work, too.

I can't believe all these replies. It's no wonder so many men opt out of parenting and can't put their own children to bed.

And don't get me started on all the men who do no housework.

We need to get out of this mindset of women's work fgs.

When DD was 4 weeks old, DH was back at work doing nights and DD decided she would no longer sleep at night, DH came home at 7am and I was sat crying on the sofa absolutely exhausted because I hadn't slept for 2 days.

He stayed up and sent me to bed.

You need to play it by ear and support each other, if you see that either you are too tired to function then you re-assess on a daily basis.

When DD was 9 months old I went back to work full time, she was still not sleeping through so we both had to just take turns and both be tired, we tried to work it so we would each get a lay in over the weekend but if it didn't happen then it didn't happen. Ultimately even if it lasts a couple of years (or 4, DD has never been a fan of sleep) it's a short term problem that you just need to power through as a couple.

...........dad needed to sleep through for work the following day.
Is this fair to you?

Oh these men and their big, important jobs!

Looking after a baby is also work.

Absolutely not, we’re not in the dark ages. Looking after babies and children all day can be far harder work, does the mum therefore never get a break?

Dad definitely needs to do his share and that includes getting up at night, particularly as he only works 8-4 which is just normal hours. Plus it will be better for everyone if he gets into the habit of caring for the baby from the start instead of leaving it all to the mum.

I did them but my baby was a little dream so it's not fair to assume others have a similar experience. She never wanted to be fed more than once every four hours right from the start and she always settled back down immediately after her bottle. I loved those night feeds.

We had an arrangement that DP was off duty from midnight (or maybe 11pm, can't remember) to 6am. If it was even one minute after 6 I nudged him awake. If it was one minute before I did it.

I'd fall back asleep at 6am and he'd take baby around the house, wash the bottles set up new ones and drop her back into me for 7am and kiss us both goodbye. Then baby and I would have another sleep in the bed and another feed then get up and out for our day.

She was so easy going I was able to do some contract work at home around 3 hours a day. We would always get out and about either meeting someone, for an exercise class or just a coffee and read my book. It was summer time too and I was living in a really nice little town. DP would be back at 7pm and he'd take the baby off me while we both sorted dinner and got the bottle ready for night feed

Beautiful memories. It all went too quickly but I loved it so much.

When I was on mat leave I was happy to get up in the night but after I established a good milk supply and could express, DH used to do the 11pm feed as he goes to bed later anyway, and I used to fall asleep by about 9.30pm to be able to handle the night feeds.

Me and dp shared regardless of work and he was more than happy to do so. He regularly offered to do it.

Mum has to look after a newborn all day which is work in itself

Dad needs to use his paternity leave to reduce the need to get a full night's sleep for work and in general get used to not having a full night's sleep. Ideally topit up with some annual leave.
Then work out how best to split the night. I think we swapped who was on duty sometime around 4am with bottle fed DD.