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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Night out. Husband mad

192 replies

Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · 20/12/2023 01:23

So tonight I went out to the pub with some school mums. Wasn’t a secret, told husband I was going. Had a lovely time and was quite happy coming home. Got home to be confronted with husband standing waiting and shouting at me that youngest child wasn’t in bed as I was still out. Told him he is also the parent so surely it was his responsibility to put youngest to bed when he knew the situation. Totally ruined my night out and I’m angry at myself for getting upset as I feel like he should have taken responsibility and put our youngest (5th child so would hope he got a grip of it by now) to bed?!

OP posts:
Inertia · 20/12/2023 12:25

He’s punishing you.

Next time you plan to go out, I’d have a back-up babysitter on call.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

What???

1953 is thataway <<<<<<<<

I cannot believe you're serious!!

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 12:42

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

Don't be so fucking ridiculous!

How old are you?

How was it 'healthy' to not be allowed to own property in your own right? To need your husband's permission for most things? To not have access to safe contraception? To not have access to abortion? To not be able to leave your abuser? To earn considerably less than a man?

What on earth is wrong with you?

JFDIYOLO · 20/12/2023 12:45

Don't let this drop.

He's had his first taste of a change in the way the domestic appliance (this would be you) works.

He does not like the change - or the implications that this is going to involve him in doing more of his fair share of the work from now on.

He is now trying to reverse the change, make sure it doesn't happen again, by being an absolute shit to you.

Blaming you, putting all the guilt on you. This is called DARVO (deny, attack, reversing victim and offender).

It's also a coercive controlling move designed to frighten you into submitting and complying.

He does not want to take his share of the work as your children grow, start becoming more independent of you.

You need to stamp on this or you will still be doing all the parenting and working too.

Mix56 · 20/12/2023 12:49

This is very typical abusive behaviour,
He doesn't want you going out.
He wants you home, in your box.
He is insecure, jealous & doesn't trust you.
He doesn't want you looking nice, having friends.
Talking to strangers.
He needs to be all dominant, he is more important than your DC

There is no little chance of fixing his warped perception.
Most people in this situation end up having to divorce or live unhappily for life

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 12:51

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 20/12/2023 12:13

A cafe (note spelling) - cafe is spelt caffe in Italian, maybe other languages too. Perhaps that poster is foreign, recently arrived from a repressive country and not yet adjusted, or English not their first or even second language?

Whatever, I'm starting to feel slightly sorry for them being piled on, as clearly there's a totally other mindset at work and adjustments are needed..

Read her other posts

She's a home-schooling homemaker with 4 under 4

No repressive country. Lifestyle choice

tennesseewhiskey1 · 20/12/2023 12:51

Fucking hell what a useless twat you married - any good points to him?

CaroleSinger · 20/12/2023 12:54

Well clearly you should have made sure you were home to put your youngest to bed yourself. I'm surprised you didn't do the washing up too and fetch his pipe and slippers.

TheSpruce · 20/12/2023 13:06

Don't feed the troll people. That person is clearly making ridiculous comments to get a rise out of other posters.

As to the OP, sorry, no useful advice. I can't grasp having 5 kids with a man you admit is lazy and not a good parent.

ThereIbledit · 20/12/2023 13:13

Why are you angry at yourself and not him?

diddl · 20/12/2023 13:25

Bloody hell.

I only have two kids & I remember having a night out when they were about 1 & 3 & coming back in the early hours to find husband & both kids asleep in our bed.

I remember thinking at the time that that was a bit slack!

Still I snoozed away in the eldest's double bed so I think I got the better deal overall!

Did he actually want 5 kids Op?

BestBadger · 20/12/2023 13:35

Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · 20/12/2023 01:44

i asked why he didn’t do it and he said, “Oh they wouldn’t go as they were waiting for you” Lot of nonsense, know for a fact he didn’t even try as they crashed out as soon as I put them to bed. He doesn’t do any parenting if I’m honest. He always moans that he’s too tired as he works full time. I also work 5 days a week all be it part time but am utterly exhausted as I also do all the housework and was really looking forward to this one night out. Angry at myself for letting him spoil it.

You need to go out more, a lot more. He'll get the hang of getting them to bed soon enough. I'd be ashamed to be unable to perform the most basic of parenting tasks tbh.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/12/2023 13:40

LTB

This is controlling and abusive behaviour. Other posters have mentioned punishments etc. That's exactly what this is.

He's a lazy, useless man and you really need to be making plans to live him, otherwise, you'll live your life in misery with him.

Rudicoolcat · 20/12/2023 13:40

So in future the mum's will organise another night out, you'll be invited and think to yourself that its not worth the hassle because of this experience, and as already said, in few months you'll feel and will be totally isolated. No friends, no social life, nothing. Kids, work, housework, him. That will most certainly be it.

With the greatest respect, this narrative needs changing. Don't forget you only get one go at this life, make it a good one. No one will stand up for you better than yourself.

MarkWithaC · 20/12/2023 13:43

Geppili · 20/12/2023 01:53

Weaponised incompetence in not getting kid to bed.
Trying to punish you for daring to have a life. Nasty.

I came on to express very similar sentiments.

Except how I was going to word it was 'he's a straight-up cunt'.

Dweetfidilove · 20/12/2023 13:44

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 20/12/2023 09:01

I hope you have some effective contraception, although he sounds deeply unattractive anyway. Some men use reproductive coercion to keep women where they want them.

This came to mind. Dreadful man 😔

TooOldForThisNonsense · 20/12/2023 13:44

YANBU

he’s a dick

Bin85 · 20/12/2023 13:44

Does he go out?

DriftingDora · 20/12/2023 15:27

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

Have you had the phone call from the 1950's yet, asking you to return? I'd like to know where is your proof that marriages and relationships were "much healthier and more functional in the 1950s"? How do you know that? And PS: this era was before further Divorce Reform Acts, so getting a divorce was harder, more discrimination against women working once married, fewer opportunities etc. so I ask again: where is your proof, and what factors are being taken into account?

Do you not realise that it was common in the 1950's for women in some professions to have to leave their job/be discriminated against if they got married? In fact, in some professions (banking was one, I believe) this carried on until the 1960's. This is just one factor that would affect the claims you are making - because no job, difficulty getting another one due to your marital status = less likelihood of a woman being able to leave an unhappy marriage.

toomuchfaff · 20/12/2023 15:31

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

Marriages were more functional in the 50s?

Seriously, when women couldn't vote or have a bank account, when they were ostracised for being single parents... That's why there are more divorces you mad bint, because women no longer "need' a man to live and survive so they don't have to out up with the shit.

Women are single because the alternative is manbabies and weaponized incompetence.

Spottywombat · 20/12/2023 15:41

Not to mention marital rape, coercive behaviour, beatings...

Honestly.

Don't have another, think about how your current life is structured.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 20/12/2023 16:09

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 12:42

Don't be so fucking ridiculous!

How old are you?

How was it 'healthy' to not be allowed to own property in your own right? To need your husband's permission for most things? To not have access to safe contraception? To not have access to abortion? To not be able to leave your abuser? To earn considerably less than a man?

What on earth is wrong with you?

Show quote history

Exactly “they” forget women divorce because they can leave now they don’t need to stay with no income abs stuck with kids and to a useless man!
@0MammaBear0 your attitude is shocking i hope nobody married you !

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2023 16:11

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 20/12/2023 16:09

Exactly “they” forget women divorce because they can leave now they don’t need to stay with no income abs stuck with kids and to a useless man!
@0MammaBear0 your attitude is shocking i hope nobody married you !

Show quote history

I did the unforgiveable and searched

She is indeed married

darvod · 20/12/2023 17:52

Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · 20/12/2023 01:23

So tonight I went out to the pub with some school mums. Wasn’t a secret, told husband I was going. Had a lovely time and was quite happy coming home. Got home to be confronted with husband standing waiting and shouting at me that youngest child wasn’t in bed as I was still out. Told him he is also the parent so surely it was his responsibility to put youngest to bed when he knew the situation. Totally ruined my night out and I’m angry at myself for getting upset as I feel like he should have taken responsibility and put our youngest (5th child so would hope he got a grip of it by now) to bed?!

Are you married to my husband? This is the exact same kind of bullshit I have to live with. My sincere apologies to you OP!

Rosscameasdoody · 21/12/2023 14:13

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

What a load of shite. There are more divorces now because women have equal rights and don’t stay with men who treat them like crap. And if a woman reaches 40, single and childless it’s by freedom of choice. No husband has the right to be upset about his wife having a night out. Take your goady troll crap back to the 1950s where it belongs.