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AIBU?

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Original poster

Night out. Husband mad

192 replies

Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · 20/12/2023 01:23

So tonight I went out to the pub with some school mums. Wasn’t a secret, told husband I was going. Had a lovely time and was quite happy coming home. Got home to be confronted with husband standing waiting and shouting at me that youngest child wasn’t in bed as I was still out. Told him he is also the parent so surely it was his responsibility to put youngest to bed when he knew the situation. Totally ruined my night out and I’m angry at myself for getting upset as I feel like he should have taken responsibility and put our youngest (5th child so would hope he got a grip of it by now) to bed?!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 20/12/2023 11:25

@0MammaBear0

lol are you drunk hun?

RulerofCatsjustkidding · 20/12/2023 11:25

Not being judgmental-does he talk you into having babies? Weaponised incompetence is an abuse thing and forcing a woman into having lots of kids is too.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:26

mottytotty · 20/12/2023 02:44

He’s a lazy twat. What does he add to your life?

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:27

On these threads someone always says 'if you leave him how would he cope doing it all alone every other weekend' I'm asking this now!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:27

GreatGateauxsby · 20/12/2023 06:26

What a mean thing to do. Definitely a "punishment"

I'd make a prope point of going out more as he clearly needs the practice.

Genuinely - get a gym class, book club or whatever and be out 4-6 nights a month. Tell him he can do the same.

I would not let this lie. He is trying to train you so you learn going out is "not worth it" 😡

Agree

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/12/2023 11:29

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:27

On these threads someone always says 'if you leave him how would he cope doing it all alone every other weekend' I'm asking this now!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

he’d just have to pick it up wouldn’t he 🤷‍♀️

Undineimmor · 20/12/2023 11:29

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:27

On these threads someone always says 'if you leave him how would he cope doing it all alone every other weekend' I'm asking this now!

This is exactly why people just give in and do the work. The answer is that either he will step up and become superdad and be super competitive, meet someone and get her to do it or do very little and OP will be in agony eow wondering if her kids are safe, fed and clean.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:31

@0MammaBear0 but they have a 2020s relationship not a 1950 one where women didn't often work and weren't allowed credit cards. In the 1950s she would have 'needed' him- now I don't think she does.

I think going to the pub with the school mums in the evening when the kids should be asleep (if they had a competent dad) is better than going out all day on a weekend daytime and leaving the kids (like golfing dads do)

Fullofxmascbeer · 20/12/2023 11:32

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

😂

And so many miserable women trapped in awful marriages which they couldn’t escape from due to stigma and financial inability.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 20/12/2023 11:32

@LuckySantangelo35 @Undineimmor oh yes I mean she SHOULD leave him so that he has to cope at the weekends alone, not that she should stay with him to save him from that 😂

PieAndLattes · 20/12/2023 11:34

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The OP has already told us he’s a useless prick who does virtually no parenting. I don’t think a chat over a gingerbread latte is going to cut it. If you want to stay with him, OP, I’d suggest counselling provided he’s not generally abusive and controlling and this was an aberration. If he is, you have a bigger problem.

Anna8089 · 20/12/2023 11:38

Manipulative behaviour. And tell him that.

mottytotty · 20/12/2023 11:39

Undineimmor · 20/12/2023 11:29

This is exactly why people just give in and do the work. The answer is that either he will step up and become superdad and be super competitive, meet someone and get her to do it or do very little and OP will be in agony eow wondering if her kids are safe, fed and clean.

Show quote history

No, she won't be in agony, stop piling on the mum guilt. He most likely won't see the kids much but if he does see them he will do the basics of seeing them fed and clothed.

KimberleyClark · 20/12/2023 11:42

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless.

You say the last point like it’s a bad thing? It’s a good thing that increasing numbers of women don’t feel they have to get married and have children because it’s what society expects of them.

MargotBamborough · 20/12/2023 11:45

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

Since only people who are married can get divorced I don't think it is mathematically possible for there to be "more divorces than marriages".

Are you quite alright?

One advantage of being 40, single and childless is that you can go to the pub whenever you damn well please.

Howbizarre22 · 20/12/2023 11:50

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

Quite the opposite. It is well known that back then people stayed in insufferably unhappy marriages because of the societal pressure to do so whereas now we do not feel as though we should put up and shut up and we know we have choices now as women (you know EQUALITY) and shouldn’t care or feel oppressed by societal “shoulds.” Hence the higher divorce rates.
And plummeting birth rates? We have an incredibly overcrowded population that is struggling to cope and you think lower birth rates are a bad thing?
As for not being “proper” what does that even mean? I’m assuming by your use of the word “lady” in your original post you still believe women should be oppressed by the expectations forced upon them by the patriarchy that we must adhere to a particular standard of perceived “ladylike” behaviour which actually only serves to keep us in our place as the weak, tame, silent and subservient sex?? Fuck that and fuck your misogyny! Some of the BEST times of my life were on nights out- doesn’t mean I was inelegant or not “behaving” it means I had a damn good time and by your logic that isn’t “proper?” 🤣 wow.
Also what place is it if you to suggest being over 40 and childless and single is a bad thing? Many people are happy with this! That is INCREDIBLY judgmental just like the rest of your embarrassing words! I actually am sorry for you and your morbid outlook- I believe you must be stuck in a stuffy marriage pretending you’re ok- clearly not happy though as happy people dont judge and belittle others- and I reckon you are painfully jealous of the free, single WOMEN-not “ladies” who let their hair down and dont give a flying fuck what small- minded, judgment people like yourself think!

Lentilweaver · 20/12/2023 11:51

He shouldn't have had 5 kids if he could not have put them to bed. Mind you, I wouldn't have been able to put 5 kids to bed either!

RiderofRohan · 20/12/2023 11:56

Five children with a man who doesn't parent? Just why?

RiderofRohan · 20/12/2023 11:59

0MammaBear0 · 20/12/2023 11:19

Well marriages and relationships were much healthier and functional in the 1950s than in the 2020s; where there are more divorces than marriages, plummeting birth rates and a record number of women reaching 40 single and childless. Going to a nightclub or a pub late at night and consuming alcohol is not proper and I understand why her husband would be upset about it

Show quote history

There are also fewer divorces in countries like Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. Do you think it's a good thing when a woman can't walk away from a miserable marriage?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 20/12/2023 12:01

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😁😁😁This doesn't sound ironic - remind me what century we're in?

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 20/12/2023 12:03

PBandJ111 · Today 05:34

Sorry but wtf is your dh doing? He can’t parent, is nasty to you… why tolerate this?

Exactly - won't parent, not can't parent, and nasty as well. Do hope you won't produce child 6 with him, do hope you are considering your options.

Malbecfan · 20/12/2023 12:04

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Hahahahaha! I went out to the pub on Monday evening to the quiz with my DD2. I drove there & parked because I'm a good parker. I bought her a pint of lemonade and me a bottle of wine, then I necked most of it, smashed the quiz, had a brilliant laugh with her and she drove me home. DH stayed home working because quizzes aren't his thing and he has a lot to finish. We all had a great night. I give zero fucks whether you think I'm a lady or not, but going to the pub in the evening is a whole lot easier than a cafe (note spelling) in the middle of the day when you work. I couldn't give a toss whether my husband is happy or not as it is nothing to do with him. I cooked dinner before I went out (he washed up). We're both adults and enjoy different things. The day he tells me what to do is the day I walk out.

Ohtobetwentytwo · 20/12/2023 12:10

Controlling behaviour and doubly bad because he is prepared to weapinisenhis children to their detriment.

They will be feeling shitty for days because he used them to punish you. For context, a good DH puts kids to bed and offers you a cup if tea whe you get home and asks if you had fun. His behaviour is controlling and abnormal.

snowlady4 · 20/12/2023 12:10

How bizarre.
Adult man can't put his own 5 year old to bed?
Suppose he gets his nights out and comes home to kids that are in bed?
This would piss me off massively.
"He won't go to bed," he's 5. You're the adult, take him.
I'd have gone back out the door and back to the pub.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 20/12/2023 12:13

A cafe (note spelling) - cafe is spelt caffe in Italian, maybe other languages too. Perhaps that poster is foreign, recently arrived from a repressive country and not yet adjusted, or English not their first or even second language?

Whatever, I'm starting to feel slightly sorry for them being piled on, as clearly there's a totally other mindset at work and adjustments are needed..