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AIBU?

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Original poster

Night out. Husband mad

192 replies

Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · 20/12/2023 01:23

So tonight I went out to the pub with some school mums. Wasn’t a secret, told husband I was going. Had a lovely time and was quite happy coming home. Got home to be confronted with husband standing waiting and shouting at me that youngest child wasn’t in bed as I was still out. Told him he is also the parent so surely it was his responsibility to put youngest to bed when he knew the situation. Totally ruined my night out and I’m angry at myself for getting upset as I feel like he should have taken responsibility and put our youngest (5th child so would hope he got a grip of it by now) to bed?!

OP posts:
kimchio · 20/12/2023 06:19

I dated one of these once. They are so full of themselves they get jealous if you live life without them so punish you. Personally I would consider splitting up.

Smugandproud · 20/12/2023 06:22

Tell him he needs more practice at parenting so you’ll be going out more often.
What a knob he is!

Whatineed · 20/12/2023 06:24

He basically sat on his arse and did bugger all about organising the kids bedtime then pulled a DARVO on you when you got home to deflect his laziness and make you feel like shite into the bargain.

SuffolkUnicorn · 20/12/2023 06:24

Control freak

GreatGateauxsby · 20/12/2023 06:26

What a mean thing to do. Definitely a "punishment"

I'd make a prope point of going out more as he clearly needs the practice.

Genuinely - get a gym class, book club or whatever and be out 4-6 nights a month. Tell him he can do the same.

I would not let this lie. He is trying to train you so you learn going out is "not worth it" 😡

Undineimmor · 20/12/2023 06:27

He is not your jailer. I'm guessing he goes iut all the time? Or has hobbies? The hypocrisy!

WonderingWanda · 20/12/2023 06:29

What an arsehole he is being. You could give him one more chance before ditching him. Arrange another night out and tell him he is responsible for parenting and putting his own children to bed and you won't be tolerating any of his incompetent, stroppy bullshit like last time you went out.

sweetpickle23 · 20/12/2023 06:29

I don’t throw out LTB willy nilly but I’d be surprised if this is a one-off and not just the start of his controlling behaviour.

Beezknees · 20/12/2023 06:32

Pepperama · 20/12/2023 06:01

I can see why he can’t donut every day if he’s working full time but leave him to do bed times 2-3 days a week. I’d say something like ‘clearly the situation where I can’t go out because they’re not used to you doing bedtime won’t work now they’re getting a bit older. I need to be free to go to gym/hobbies/see friends, parents evenings etc or eventually take up full time work again in which case we need to share equally. So important that the kids see you as an equal parent. Two nights a week and you are in charge of plans for Saturdays.

Why can't he do it every day if he's working full time? Us lone parents have to do everything at home plus work full time.

Obviously in this situation they should be sharing the load as a couple. But not doing things because of "working full time" is a piss poor excuse.

jeaux90 · 20/12/2023 06:33

I find these men very unattractive.
Controlling, useless, man baby.

Be very very pissed off.

You are not his support human.

Bournetilly · 20/12/2023 06:34

How old is your youngest child? He is ridiculous. I would imagine he kept them up to get back at you for going out or to guilt you into not going out in the future.

MushMonster · 20/12/2023 06:38

Controlling behaviour, 100%.
If he had been trying to get the child to bed, you would have found a tired, desperate man, apoligising for not have managed and he would not shout. The shouting and blaming is because he fells threatened about you going out or because he cannot be bothered to parent, or both.

bananablues · 20/12/2023 06:48

Controlling & avoidant behaviour- i knew someone who was married to one of these types of men. Its was fun and games provided he could hand over & than do his own thing but god forgive she had a good time whilst he was looking after them. He ended up having an (emotional) fling with another woman & was in complete denial he was cheating.

Zanatdy · 20/12/2023 06:52

God what a useless husband. I’d be making some changes in the new year and leaving his ass. You can’t even have one night out?

AnImaginaryCat · 20/12/2023 06:52

Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · 20/12/2023 01:36

No I was back over 2 hours ago so put youngest to bed and then I’ve been sitting here wondering if it’s me at fault. I think you may be right and he sees this as a punishment for me. 🙄

Talk is through how this could be you at fault.

Also you say you didn't have time or the energy to go out due to them being close in age. This is some what understandable - the physical tiredness (of working and having small children) can make you not want to go out. However did you not go out soley for that reason? Or was it because there were children who needed to be looked after? You can analyse that by considering how often you husband went out during that time, considering he too worked and had small children so shpuld have experienced the physical tiredness too.

bonzaitree · 20/12/2023 06:52

Geppili · 20/12/2023 01:53

Weaponised incompetence in not getting kid to bed.
Trying to punish you for daring to have a life. Nasty.

Exactly this.

Undineimmor · 20/12/2023 06:54

I used to get threatened if I left the house, then they were mad when I started the process to move. Why? I was like a prisoner with no freedom. If you give someone nothing, don't be surprised when they refuse to accept it and ask for more.

StrawberryWater · 20/12/2023 06:54

Does your Dh actually bring anything to the table?

Doesn’t sound like it. He sounds like a useless lump. You’d be better off without him really considering you’re already a single mother.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 20/12/2023 06:56

telestrations · 20/12/2023 03:04

He's trying nip your new found time, energy and inclination in the bud before you might flourish into someone with a pinch of a life outside the home, work and wifely duties.

And he's essentially threatening/punishing you with (his) non/bad parenting

I agree with this.

You are supposed to think twice about going out again. He needs to step up and start parenting properly, otherwise what’s the point of him?

nurseray · 20/12/2023 07:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Yesididntdothat · 20/12/2023 07:07

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

This isn't how it works @nurseray you need to start your own thread. I would suggest putting "schools near Crystal Palace" or similar as your thread title so people who know about that area reply. Good luck

Maray1967 · 20/12/2023 07:07

Tell him very firmly that this will not be tolerated. He is not stopping you from going out by pulling this stunt. He needs to practise putting them to bed, and it starts this week. If he fails again, there will be consequences- decide what they can be. What does he value/not want to do himself? His laundry? Decide what you will stop doing if he doesn’t change his ways.

MeridianB · 20/12/2023 07:11

I agree this sounds controlling and unpleasant. Can you talk to him about why he behaved like this?

TheaBrandt · 20/12/2023 07:14

On my first mums night out after having Dd2 I got home and looked in on them a tiny baby and toddler. Both were wearing entirely different night clothes and all their bedding was different. Shortly after I left they had both randomly been sick everywhere. I asked Dh why he hadn’t called me he looked shocked I asked “you were on your night out all fine”. That’s what a decent dad does.

Heronwatcher · 20/12/2023 07:15

Sorry, he’s a ridiculous, useless, controlling man baby. You should be fuming at him for failing to carry out basic parenting to punish you, at the expense of his poor DC. He did it deliberately and is hoping that this will stop you going out.

What you need to do in the short term is go out much more, on a day where he can’t claim work as an excuse (Sat?) since he can get a lot more practice at bedtime since he obviously finds it so difficult. Start getting hobbies, jogging, swimming, going to the gym so he has to spend more time with the kids on his own.

In the long term I think you need to make sure you can be financially independent and look after the kids on your own, including buying a house for yourselves (obviously with any equity you’ve got) because I suspect you might need to get out of this marriage quite soon. Make sure he’s paying enough towards the kids and you’re building up some savings.