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Original poster

Night out. Husband mad

192 replies

Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · 20/12/2023 01:23

So tonight I went out to the pub with some school mums. Wasn’t a secret, told husband I was going. Had a lovely time and was quite happy coming home. Got home to be confronted with husband standing waiting and shouting at me that youngest child wasn’t in bed as I was still out. Told him he is also the parent so surely it was his responsibility to put youngest to bed when he knew the situation. Totally ruined my night out and I’m angry at myself for getting upset as I feel like he should have taken responsibility and put our youngest (5th child so would hope he got a grip of it by now) to bed?!

OP posts:
User69371527 · 20/12/2023 07:17

Ugh my ex used to do this. I would come home at 10pm from hobby (he went out far more then me) to find 5yo still up and not even in PJs: it’s neglectful and I told him so.

grumpycow1 · 20/12/2023 07:19

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/12/2023 03:18

Yep this.

How dare you go out and have a life?!

He is chronically insecure as he knows that he is a lazy waste of space piece of shit. He knows you can do better, but he doesnt want you finding that out, so he is making your life hell for going out and having fun in order that you dont do it again.

He is using the only thing he has against you, the kids. So he actively hurt his youngest child b7 depriving them of sleep (against the Geneva Convention by the way.....think about that) in order to teach you never to go out again. Get rid ASAP. I do not agree that you should go out more as his abusive behaviour will only get worse if you do.

Seriously, this is the absolute thinnest end of the wedge, stay (and say to yourself that I am exaggerating) and every single time you go out he will ramp it up. Or, more likely, you will be invited out and think to yourself that its not worth the hassle, and in few months you will be totally isolated. No friends, no social life, nothing. Kids, work, housework, him. That will be it.

RUN.

Show quote history

This! I have 2kids youngest a 2 year old and I’ve been out about 6 nights in December due to various Xmas things. You really need to fix this or get out of the relationship. It won’t get any better :(

HungryandIknowit · 20/12/2023 07:20

I think I'd say last night highlighted that he is missing crucial parenting skills as he hasn't had the opportunity to develop them, so you are going out for a walk over bedtime for the next 2 weeks to give him the opportunity to develop those skills.

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 07:20

What is it with some men!!?
My DS’s are older (16 and 23 now) but a few years ago I went on a works do straight from work and got home quite late to find out neither of the kids had had any tea. He just hadn’t bothered to feed them. So I used the last £20 from his account and ordered them a take out! 😀

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 20/12/2023 07:22

He’s clearly an arsehole human, controlling husband and useless parent. At what point in the planning of 5 children did you discover this?

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 20/12/2023 07:28

Whydowomendothistothemselves · 20/12/2023 07:22

He’s clearly an arsehole human, controlling husband and useless parent. At what point in the planning of 5 children did you discover this?

Exactly.
I certainly wouldn’t have had 5 children with someone so bloody useless!

HarrumphryBogart · 20/12/2023 07:28

The problem is his lack of parenting but in his eyes it's the children waiting up for you, he doesn't see that it's basically the same issue! They're not used to him and he's not used to parenting.

The best way to right this is to go out more so the children and hubby get used to it. Once a week at least should be enough to get them used to it.

whatsthatinyourhand · 20/12/2023 07:32

He does this so next time you'll think twice about going out because you can't face the grief you get coming home.

I was married to a man like this for over 15 years. What a relief it is now to see friends and relax. Even when I was out I'd feel this ball of tension in my stomach knowing that when I got home I would have to go through being shouted and picked on. Told I was disgusting and drunk (I wasn't), the evening would be picked apart - who was there, who did I talk to etc etc.

It is abusive and controlling and won't get better unfortunately. Please don't doubt yourself about it. It's not you, it's definitely him.

TLDRfuckers · 20/12/2023 07:36

Instead of wondering if you were to blame (you weren’t), please find your cold anger towards this man who prioritised his insecurity and jealousy over the basic needs of his small child.

thats not a good man.

NerrSnerr · 20/12/2023 07:38

How have you have 5 children with someone who can't even put them to bed? What an utter arsehole. I couldn't be married to such a useless twat but I'm guessing this isn't a new thing.

Yalta · 20/12/2023 07:42

*Slowlygoingmadcontinuously · Today 01:36

No I was back over 2 hours ago so put youngest to bed and then I’ve been sitting here wondering if it’s me at fault. I think you may be right and he sees this as a punishment for me*

I would be feigning wonderment that he wasn’t able to put his children to bed. Is there something wrong with him that he finds this daily task too much for him or is it because he hasn’t had enough practice?
If the latter I would talk to him about getting some practice in. So you will start going out at least twice per week to give him that practice.

Then finish with, What a good job that you went out and he found out what skill he needed to learn and that he let you know that he was struggling because now you can help him overcome this issue.

ISSTIUTNG · 20/12/2023 07:43

He clearly needs practice. Unless your little one is an infant and breastfeeding there's no excuse.

He puts them to bed every other day from now on. He finds a way to get the kids to sleep without guiltripping you and he doesn't disturb you unless there's a genuine and serious issue. He does proper bedtime with bath, books and cuddles. Give it a couple of months and if he hasn't got used to the idea then you might have to consider what is the value of him still living with you all.

You don't have to put up with this OP. Not all men are this useless and obnoxious. Mine puts our LO to bed every other night and has done since almost day 1. Never questioned it. Sorry but I couldn't make 5 kids with a man so utterly devoid of any commitment to his family

Iouis · 20/12/2023 07:53

Your DH is a prick

GMsAWinner · 20/12/2023 07:57

He might not realise it, but sounds like he's annoyed you went out and is punishing you for it.

Nicole1111 · 20/12/2023 08:04

Your husband is an asshole who is using your children to abuse you in an attempt to control and coerce you. You should really consider the impact his behaviour will have on your children, both in the short term and long term.

LetItGoHome · 20/12/2023 08:07

Don't let this drop today. He needs to be told that this won't ever happen again. And draw up a fairer split of chores and parenting whilst you are at it. Good luck xx

Bearpawk · 20/12/2023 08:13

He's abusing you op

barbarahunter · 20/12/2023 08:13

I'm another who had a jealous, controlling jerk of a H. It never changes, and I bet that's not the only way he's nasty.

Have you made long term plans for a life without him?

PhulNana · 20/12/2023 08:17

Mumof2NDers · 20/12/2023 07:20

What is it with some men!!?
My DS’s are older (16 and 23 now) but a few years ago I went on a works do straight from work and got home quite late to find out neither of the kids had had any tea. He just hadn’t bothered to feed them. So I used the last £20 from his account and ordered them a take out! 😀

Edited

How old were they at the time?

DianaTiana · 20/12/2023 08:19

He sounds completely pathetic. How very unattractive.

MistletoeandJd · 20/12/2023 08:24

We also have 5 between us

One won't go to bed without me she can be exhausted but won't sleep until I'm home so I can well believe maybe your 5yo was a nightmare maybe up and down ect. When I gave birth to my youngest prematurely we were in hospital a week and although she really tried and pushed ( some nights up at midnight )my oh adapted bedtime to work for them.

Big HOWEVER here with 5 kids and from what you've said I would imagine you don't get out much he should have used this as a learning curve to try find his own way of comforting her to sleep and had she been awake when you did arrive home you should have been greeted along the lines of ' you are a saint I really can't get x to sleep could you please be the hero mum you are and pop her down' the guilt thing is the issue here he's not treated you fairly with that at all.

LinneM · 20/12/2023 08:28

How do you have 5 children with someone who hardly does any parenting? What’s the point of him then?

Plsdiscuss · 20/12/2023 08:32

My friends 'D'H is like this. It's not been unknown for her to leave me in the pub alone on a night out after he called as the kids won't go to bed without her. Or for her to jump out of her hot tub immediately at 11pm, as he came flapping his arms about the kids not sleeping because she was downstairs. I had to find somewhere to dry and dress in her house alone, knowing 'D' H was kicking around somewhere. Not fun.

The craziest is when we were sitting chatting in the front room and he came in and demanded that we went somewhere else so that he could watch the football. Thankfully she stood her ground on that one, but what "adult" throws a strop in front of another?

His "can't put the kids to bed" is indicative of so many other things wrong in their marriage and parenting. I suspect it's the same for you @Slowlygoingmadcontinuously My friend has talked to 'D'H until she's blue in the face, but he really doesn't care. She's decided to put up and shut up as she doesn't want to lose the comfortable life she has.

You need to decide how you're going to move forward. You can talk, but it will probably fall on deaf ears. Your DH has had it too comfortable for too long and he doesn't seem to want to pull his weight. Good luck.

tinymeteor · 20/12/2023 08:34

You don’t have to earn a night out by removing all parenting from him. And you shouldn’t have to pay for a night out in the form of his bad mood after. That’s not how a good man behaves.

You should get home to “this one was a bit unsettled without you, but we watched cartoons and he crashed eventually. Fancy a cuppa?”

EvilElsa · 20/12/2023 08:36

MN never fails to shock me with the daily posts describing the absolute shits of men women live with. It's so depressing.
You did nothing wrong.