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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my DD missed Christmas dinner

811 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:25

My 11yo DD is autistic and she has recently started at a new school. The school have been great in supporting her.

Sadly, she went into a Science class for the first time yesterday and as they have set seats she asked the teacher where she should sit. The teacher snapped at her that she didn't know and she had to stand at the front of the class waiting for the others to sit down which really unsettled and upset her.

Today was their Christmas dinner day and they could go in wearing pyjamas. She was really looking forward to this. But as we got closer to school this morning she got more and more distressed. Once in school she had a full on meltdown that went on for ages. Eventually she calmed down enough for me to leave and they took her up to the Learning support centre where she promptly fell asleep exhausted after her melt down. She missed her Christmas dinner! After a while they asked me to come and pick her up. I feel so sad for her. I'd spent a lot of time preparing her for the Christmas dinner and it was going to be a nice way to introduce her to the canteen. And she was so looking forward to it. All spoilt because a teacher took her bad mood out on her.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 19/12/2023 17:27

That’s part of her learning resilience and how to cope in the world. It doesn’t sound like the teacher did anything wrong and her meltdown this morning seems unrelated.

PastelHouses · 19/12/2023 17:27

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

KateyCuckoo · 19/12/2023 17:29

Not the teacher's fault!

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 19/12/2023 17:31

@MiddleagedBeachbum @PastelHouses sounds like you’re pretty uneducated in autistic and SEN children

@UndertheCedartree im sorry your DD has that experience. Does the science teacher know about her autism and understand why it caused her to struggle. My DS, although my younger, won’t even consider eating Christmas dinner but he enjoyed all the fun around it so it’s a real shame your DD missed out. Hope you and DD are ok

TerrysChocolateOrange · 19/12/2023 17:31

Not the teachers fault, but hey let’s blame her anyway, they get blamed for most everything, anyway.

Alargeoneplease89 · 19/12/2023 17:31

As you've said she's been to science for the first time, maybe the teacher wasn't aware and is pretty reasonable to ask her to wait until everyone is seated before finding her seat. How do you know she snapped?

PastelHouses · 19/12/2023 17:34

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

kimchio · 19/12/2023 17:35

Sorry but these things are going to happen. It's a good way for her to develop resilience. Was the meltdown definitely related to the incident yesterday?

ginasevern · 19/12/2023 17:38

Was your DD the only child asked to wait before being seated? Either way, I'm sorry she missed the Christmas dinner and I can understand your hurt no matter what the rights and wrongs of it.

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 19/12/2023 17:40

@PastelHouses it clearly is relevant the poor girl might struggle with unfamiliar environments and transitions, very common with autistic children. New environments can be very difficult for them to navigate especially in a new classroom and teacher situation. Might be an easy request for a Nt child but for a child with SEN and Autism it’s not as simple. Maybe you should try having some sympathy for others but maybe also your the type of person yah thinks children with Sen should just get on with it or be in speical homes out of sight and mind

Nothingbuttheglory · 19/12/2023 17:42

@Covidiokilledtheradiostar Can I ask what you think the teacher should have done differently?

It's not that unusual for subject teachers to have literally no notice, or just an email mid-morning, of a new starter.

Xmastime2023 · 19/12/2023 17:43

Surely she’s had 11 years of missing out on things? Mine has missed out on much ‘bigger’ things because he wouldn’t have been able to cope, that’s part and parcel of ASD parenting.

Nothingbuttheglory · 19/12/2023 17:44

Was your DD the only child asked to wait before being seated?

It's secondary school. The other students will all have assigned seats. The teacher was waiting to see where the gaps were.

IglesiasPiggl · 19/12/2023 17:45

Sorry your DD missed the lunch, and I understand you feel sad. On the other side, though,mainstream teachers cannot be expected to understand all the nuances of every SEN in their class, on top their daily subject material. Is your DD supported by the school? Perhaps they need to have more direct communication with her teachers. But you will still get substitutes etc who won't be briefed on all this.

Prinnny · 19/12/2023 17:46

Hardly the teachers fault, YABU to put your child’s meltdown onto them.

Pollyannamex · 19/12/2023 17:48

YABU it’s not the teachers fault

StupidStunts · 19/12/2023 17:48

Very unsympathetic replies. OP - I get it, totally see how meltdown was caused by trauma of the science seat incident. School should have provided her with support to get settled. Hopefully lesson learned and they will do so next time (if you point it out to them). It's awful watching you nd child miss out on things that nt kids do without a blink. I'm really sorry.

SweetPeasOnEarth · 19/12/2023 17:48

I am not autistic, but being made to stand at the front of the room whilst waiting for the other students to take their seats would've embarrassed the heck out of me...everyone's attention would be focused on the new girl.
It seems the teacher could have shown a little more compassion and spoken to your DD in a caring voice, but she's probably almost at the end of her tether with the approaching holiday stress and maybe disruptive students to boot.
Yes, I suppose it could be taken as a lesson for your DD that everyone she encounters isn't going to be kind, unfortunately, especially during the holiday season.😢
Hopefully, the teacher was just having a bad day and the new year will go well starting in January.

Soontobe60 · 19/12/2023 17:50

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 19/12/2023 17:31

@MiddleagedBeachbum @PastelHouses sounds like you’re pretty uneducated in autistic and SEN children

@UndertheCedartree im sorry your DD has that experience. Does the science teacher know about her autism and understand why it caused her to struggle. My DS, although my younger, won’t even consider eating Christmas dinner but he enjoyed all the fun around it so it’s a real shame your DD missed out. Hope you and DD are ok

Not at all. How does the OP know that the teacher ‘snapped’ at her DD? She could have just said - ‘hang on a minute, I need to see where all the other children sit before I can find you a place’ but obviously with her additional needs the OPs DD found this to be highly upsetting.
Id say the most likely cause of the girl’s anxiety was having to go to school in pyjamas and get of Christmas dinner and all that entails, along with being in a new school.

cansu · 19/12/2023 17:50

The teacher will not remember exactly where a spare seat is until the class has come in. Telling a student to wait for a few minutes is reasonable. Your autistic dd may well struggle with this. They may well interpret this as being snapped at. You as an adult need to help by explaining the context to your dd.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:50

MiddleagedBeachbum · 19/12/2023 17:27

That’s part of her learning resilience and how to cope in the world. It doesn’t sound like the teacher did anything wrong and her meltdown this morning seems unrelated.

The teacher shouldn't have snapped at her or made her wait at the front of the class. The head teacher considered she'd done something wrong so I'll take the lead from them.

How does her meltdown this morning seem unrelated when her meltdown was because of her feeling anxious due to the teacher unsettling her?

OP posts:
Jacfrost · 19/12/2023 17:51

I can't believe the replies on this thread, Jesus.

Yanbu at all OP. I have an autistic 12yo in mainstream and all her teachers are aware that she has ASD. They have her pen portrait which contains things like what part of the classroom is best for her to sit in, that she shouldn't be "cold called" upon to answer questions, etc.

Moving forward I would have a chat with the SENCO to make sure that every teacher is aware of her diagnosis.

I'm sorry that her day didn't go as planned.

WASZPy · 19/12/2023 17:51

Are you sure the chaos and noise of Christmas dinner would have been a nice introduction to the canteen? I can't think of a more difficult day to go there for the first time.

PamelaParis · 19/12/2023 17:53

StupidStunts · 19/12/2023 17:48

Very unsympathetic replies. OP - I get it, totally see how meltdown was caused by trauma of the science seat incident. School should have provided her with support to get settled. Hopefully lesson learned and they will do so next time (if you point it out to them). It's awful watching you nd child miss out on things that nt kids do without a blink. I'm really sorry.

It was hardly a "trauma", come on.
OP I agree with others that you need to work on your DD's resilience.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:54

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

No, she didn't do that. As I explained the teacher snapped at her she didn't just kindly say she didn't know and she didn't tell her to stand at the front while she figured it out. The teacher actually said she was snapping because she was in a bad mood so she said it herself!

OP posts: