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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad my DD missed Christmas dinner

811 replies

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 17:25

My 11yo DD is autistic and she has recently started at a new school. The school have been great in supporting her.

Sadly, she went into a Science class for the first time yesterday and as they have set seats she asked the teacher where she should sit. The teacher snapped at her that she didn't know and she had to stand at the front of the class waiting for the others to sit down which really unsettled and upset her.

Today was their Christmas dinner day and they could go in wearing pyjamas. She was really looking forward to this. But as we got closer to school this morning she got more and more distressed. Once in school she had a full on meltdown that went on for ages. Eventually she calmed down enough for me to leave and they took her up to the Learning support centre where she promptly fell asleep exhausted after her melt down. She missed her Christmas dinner! After a while they asked me to come and pick her up. I feel so sad for her. I'd spent a lot of time preparing her for the Christmas dinner and it was going to be a nice way to introduce her to the canteen. And she was so looking forward to it. All spoilt because a teacher took her bad mood out on her.

OP posts:
Tacotortoise · 19/12/2023 19:35

Sorry explain to me again why the teacher can't follow the pre-agreed plan @EnidSpyton? All the other teachers appear to have managed it.

Christmasbrie · 19/12/2023 19:36

Sorry she missed the dinner, it's unfortunate that happened in science, sadly this won't be the only time something of this nature happens. Wearing pyjamas to school and a busy lunch in a new environment sounds like a lot, not surprised this morning was overwhelming.

ItAintGonnaGoDownEasyIfItAintCheezy · 19/12/2023 19:36

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:13

And what she should have done differently? Well, like all the other teachers she should have been welcoming and polite and got DD seated quickly as per the seating plan she should have done.

Show quote history
Confused
brickastley · 19/12/2023 19:37

another thread where posters are jumping to suggest disabled kids need to develop 'resilience'

Put the buzz word down and have a think about that for a second Hmm

PaperDoIIs · 19/12/2023 19:37

YANBU . It's shit it happened. It's really shit that it will probably happen again.

I won't advise you how to deal with the school as you seem to be on it, you have your daughter's back and say the school staff in general seem supportive.

I would say, don't make this a big deal in front of your daughter (not implying you would,but just in case). It will just be an added layer of anxiety, that time when everything went wrong, she had a meltdown and missed on this big thing. Make it as little as possible, there will be other opportunities, and look at all these events in the new year she could try etc. Use it as a reassuring moment instead, not a lot happened despite the meltdown and everything going wrong. She was ok, she will be again. Everyone understood. Just work with her and preferably with extra support (if any available) to learn from these things , regulate herself as best as she can and try to muddle through. Because sadly, it will happen again and it's devastating for both of you.Flowers

Christmasbrie · 19/12/2023 19:38

Tacotortoise · 19/12/2023 19:35

Sorry explain to me again why the teacher can't follow the pre-agreed plan @EnidSpyton? All the other teachers appear to have managed it.

None of us know do we. I've thankfully escaped teaching now but quite often important things wouldn't be communicated and then SLT were more than happy to throw us under the bus. I'd not always get notified of new students joining my classes, and definitely didn't always get told of any support they required. Of course a teacher shouldn't snap, but I'm not sure why you seem to be referring to a set plan as a certainty?

Shepandawing · 19/12/2023 19:38

Did you hear the teacher "snap" at her?
Your daughter missed the lunch because of her own behaviour. I understand she has reasons for this behaviour but ultimately it came down to her own behaviour.

Caththegreat · 19/12/2023 19:38

Yep.blame the teacher.

Caththegreat · 19/12/2023 19:40

She might be knackered and though your child is autistic teacher had had enough

Tacotortoise · 19/12/2023 19:42

Enough of finding a new pupil a seat? Yeah, must be tough Hmm

ISpyNoPlumPie · 19/12/2023 19:42

This reply has been deleted

This is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

Doesn’t get more arseholey than this. Full marks…honey (see how sweet I am??? 😀).

What a fun game of spot the bad teacher!! Did you know bad teachers, that in many other professions we are not allowed to be cruel to disabled children because we are having a bad day. Props to all the goodies not shouting about resilience and “stop blaming the teacher”.

Caththegreat · 19/12/2023 19:43

Why in pyjamas for goodness sake?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:44

SweetPeasOnEarth · 19/12/2023 17:48

I am not autistic, but being made to stand at the front of the room whilst waiting for the other students to take their seats would've embarrassed the heck out of me...everyone's attention would be focused on the new girl.
It seems the teacher could have shown a little more compassion and spoken to your DD in a caring voice, but she's probably almost at the end of her tether with the approaching holiday stress and maybe disruptive students to boot.
Yes, I suppose it could be taken as a lesson for your DD that everyone she encounters isn't going to be kind, unfortunately, especially during the holiday season.😢
Hopefully, the teacher was just having a bad day and the new year will go well starting in January.

Yes, it was excruciating for her as she had no idea what she was meant to do. The school is actually very calm and disruptions are very rare. I understand everyone has bad days and the teacher said she was in a bad mood, I just think a new SEN student is the last person she should be taking it out on. And for the record I didn't make a complaint about this teacher. The head teacher looked into what had happened and made the judgement that the teachers behaviour was unacceptable.

OP posts:
EnidSpyton · 19/12/2023 19:44

Tacotortoise · 19/12/2023 19:35

Sorry explain to me again why the teacher can't follow the pre-agreed plan @EnidSpyton? All the other teachers appear to have managed it.

It's highly unusual to have a child who has been at the school for several weeks already to suddenly join a new class midweek. So something has happened internally where the OP's daughter has either been added to a new class or moved from another class, at what sounds like very short notice, as the teacher didn't have a seating plan ready.

We can only speculate, but given the unusual circumstances, I would imagine the teacher wasn't given the information in time, or didn't have time to read through everything before the class.

Giving a student with very complex needs to a teacher for the first time right at the end of term, with no training or support or preparation, is a very unhelpful thing to do. This is a bigger problem than the teacher.

DyslexicPoster · 19/12/2023 19:45

I get it OP.

Others never will. Expecting a child with ASD to just suck it up and cope kinds of negates the diagnosis. "Why can't you be more like the other kids? Why doesn't this work for you because it works for the other kids?"

Reminds me a ASD school telling me all the non verbal kids used pecs, and that was a good tool out in the NT world. I thought to myself "so is talking, yet here we are"

Schools are mostly sausage factories. They make uniform little sausages.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:47

Soontobe60 · 19/12/2023 17:50

Not at all. How does the OP know that the teacher ‘snapped’ at her DD? She could have just said - ‘hang on a minute, I need to see where all the other children sit before I can find you a place’ but obviously with her additional needs the OPs DD found this to be highly upsetting.
Id say the most likely cause of the girl’s anxiety was having to go to school in pyjamas and get of Christmas dinner and all that entails, along with being in a new school.

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I know she snapped at her as my DD told me and the LSA backed it up. I wouldn't have said she snapped at her if she'd actually said what you wrote!

I think I might be better placed than you to understand where her anxiety came from as was Learning support and the headteacher!

OP posts:
Hercisback · 19/12/2023 19:48

What @EnidSpyton said.

It's really hard to imagine how much teachers have going on all day, every day. I'll await the chorus of "leave" but the problem is so many teachers are.

newyearstart · 19/12/2023 19:49

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:44

Yes, it was excruciating for her as she had no idea what she was meant to do. The school is actually very calm and disruptions are very rare. I understand everyone has bad days and the teacher said she was in a bad mood, I just think a new SEN student is the last person she should be taking it out on. And for the record I didn't make a complaint about this teacher. The head teacher looked into what had happened and made the judgement that the teachers behaviour was unacceptable.

Show quote history

That's one shit teacher, sorry for all the teachers leaping to their defence, but regardless of SEN issues , doing this to a new child is SHIT.

snackatack · 19/12/2023 19:51

YABU - if you thought 'Christmas dinner' would be a nice calm way to introduce anyone to eating a new environment.

Your DD will get there but settling so soon to the end of term -with tired staff and pupils is never going to be easy

Tryingmybestadhd · 19/12/2023 19:52

Massive hug to you and your daughter . Mine as ADHD and this sort of thing can be massive to her . Those saying it will teach her resilience clearly never dealt with neurodiverse girls . The teacher needs to earn how to deal with her and allowances can be made to make sure she doesn’t feel left out

wronginalltherightways · 19/12/2023 19:53

Ladyj84 · 19/12/2023 18:08

Eh I'm really sorry but I come from an autistic family and the teacher did absolutely nothing wrong and stress can affect the dinner tantrum nothing to do with the teacher

100%

Everything about today was new and unsettling for OP's daughter: new class, new people, new routine, different clothing, special meal. She was always going to strugg.e.

And 'Snapped' is a second hand interpretation of a teacher asking her to wait until everyone is so she could see where to put her, as would be done for any new student on the second to last day of a very long term where everyone is soooo done.

TinselTitts · 19/12/2023 19:53

UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:47

I know she snapped at her as my DD told me and the LSA backed it up. I wouldn't have said she snapped at her if she'd actually said what you wrote!

I think I might be better placed than you to understand where her anxiety came from as was Learning support and the headteacher!

Show quote history

I know she snapped at her as my DD told me and the LSA backed it up.

What words did the LSA actually use?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 19/12/2023 19:54

cansu · 19/12/2023 17:50

The teacher will not remember exactly where a spare seat is until the class has come in. Telling a student to wait for a few minutes is reasonable. Your autistic dd may well struggle with this. They may well interpret this as being snapped at. You as an adult need to help by explaining the context to your dd.

I've just checked my OP - I didn't say the teacher told her to wait for a few minutes - because she didn't. She just snapped at my DD that she didn't know. Like many autistic people my DD doesn't really make things up she says it as it is. And the LSA backed her up. I was aware that my DD wouldn't have said she snapped at her if she didn't so I explained that sometimes people have a bad day and while they shouldn't they can take it out on other people. I said let's hope next time you see her she will be having a better day.

OP posts:
QueenofTerrasen · 19/12/2023 19:55

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Witsend101 · 19/12/2023 19:57

Not the point of this thread but I'd love to know where these 'specialist' schools are that cater for academic ND children who can manage the schoolwork but have difficulties with the environment. I can see numerous posts from teachers and others suggesting that ND children would fare better outside of mainstream so how does one go about finding this provision as it sounds like an ideal solution to this issue ? Where do we apply? There would be a queue for miles for a provision like that.

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