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Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 15:08

LunaandLily · 19/12/2023 15:06

Sshhh.

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exactly 🤣

“There’s a wealth of resources”, OK great where are they please?, “sshh” .

So just to be clear, there aren’t then🤣

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 15:09

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 15:04

Interesting tha you phrase it "terminating his child". He wanted her to do it. From that moment on, it is about her body. So yes OP can tell random people about HER medical business. He can't.

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And she wanted to do it too.

If I wanted to be cruel I could say why now depressed . But I am not. I am also not so cruel to assume that he wanted to and they chose to out of necessity and now he is struggling with how to help his wife with her depression and sought it from the woman he feels closest to other than his wife. Like a normal person would.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 15:09

Help lines, online forums, friends.... Just without mentioning paying to see a therapist.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/12/2023 15:11

Hoolahoophop · 19/12/2023 14:34

OP please hide or delete this thread and go talk to a therapist. Reading the mostly angry and very polarised words of a bunch of people arguing about your life which they know next to nothing about will do nothing for your depression or understanding what you want from your relationship. They are not trying to help you, they do not have your best interests at heart. They are projecting their own views and own stories onto your situation. Take very good care of yourself and please, look for help. NHS talking therapies may be a good place to start. Best wishes.

This 100 per cent.

OP wanted privacy to deal with her depression.

She is the last person I would choose to let know private details about myself. I feel deeply, deeply ashamed and violated that he has shared this. There is zero support she could give

Lying about it is hardly an apology or indeed helpful.

ArcaneWireless · 19/12/2023 15:12

If I wanted to be cruel I could say why now depressed . But I am not.

Yet you did. And you are.

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:12

I think men can be really forgotten about in abortion. It’s true that it does affect a woman in ways they will never comprehend.

However, this is his loss and experience as well. It not right that you dictate to him who he can turn to while he mourns/processes.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/12/2023 15:14

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:12

I think men can be really forgotten about in abortion. It’s true that it does affect a woman in ways they will never comprehend.

However, this is his loss and experience as well. It not right that you dictate to him who he can turn to while he mourns/processes.

Its not right that he should dictate that she can't have the privacy she has asked him for.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 15:16

ArcaneWireless · 19/12/2023 15:12

If I wanted to be cruel I could say why now depressed . But I am not.

Yet you did. And you are.

I absolutely am not. I can fully understand that she is suffering trauma as a result of a termination even if it is one that they jointly chose to undertake.

What I am saying just as she has suffered depression her DH is seeking ways to try to help, didn't knkw where to turn so turned to his mother who presumably he is close with. He, I assume, told her about the termination as I suspect he does believe that is a cause or a factor so that he could get advice how to approach the situation.

Staniam · 19/12/2023 15:19

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:09

The termination was a non-event for him. It's my depression he is bothered by.

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It sounds like this runs even deeper, OP. Did you not want to terminate?

I suspect you're very angry with him for many reasons, not least of all that you feel he only cares about your well being insomuch as it inconveniences him.

zigzag716746zigzag · 19/12/2023 15:21

If you just told him he couldn't discuss it with her then I think you were massively unreasonable. Quite abusive actually. Would you be OK with your daughters partner telling her she couldn’t discuss major life events with you?

However, if it was discussed and agreed (rather than just mandated by you) and then he went back on that agreement in secrecy then he was in the wrong.

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 15:22

LunaandLily · 19/12/2023 15:06

Sshhh.

Show quote history

WTF? it is a perfectly legitimate question.

If you are telling people to access resources, you could be kind enough to share details. But you know this wealth of resources is non existent. Especially for a man in this position.

The whole scenario is very difficult. My default position is usually to say "nope, he shouldn't have done that". But this isn't something that is tangential to his life. He is already deeply involved.

oakleaffy · 19/12/2023 15:22

ArcaneWireless · 19/12/2023 15:08

This.

All day long.

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But the MIL may not have asked for details.
Her son may have said he was worried about her mental health after a termination because he was genuinely concerned.
Men aren’t likely to tell their friends about it- It’s very likely if he’s close to his mum that he will tell her.
He will have done so for his own support, not because he felt his mum could fix Op’s depression.

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:32

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 19/12/2023 15:14

Its not right that he should dictate that she can't have the privacy she has asked him for.

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That’s not a strong argument tbh.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/12/2023 15:32

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:13

Respectfully, there’s just absolutely no way you can know this.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I went through something somewhat similar with my DH. If you’d asked him while he was in the throws of his depression about how the whole situation was affecting me, he would have said it wasn’t affecting me at all, he would have said it was no big deal to me. And he would have been absolutely wrong. Depression is a horrific thing and it does very often make us completely blind to the affects it has on those around us, especially those that love us the most and are closest to us, and supporting a loved one with depression does require you to have a robust support network of your own.

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And if you want to make it much worse for the sufferer of depression you betray their trust with a mutual third party. His DM cannot even be an objective support - she is emotionally involved.

He could have looked to other sources of support as agreed with the OP - he didn't. He could have avoided lying to the OP - he. didn't. And ultimately no - he didn't have the same experience as the OP because his body and hormones were not turned upside down in addition to any emotional challenges around the decision making.

He has taken the path which is most damaging to the OP and which will not even provide him with objective counsel - he has only considered himself, not the OP.

ArcaneWireless · 19/12/2023 15:36

If she didn’t ask for details then he should not have provided them.

Especially after he promised OP that he would not discuss the termination with that one person.

If he is struggling coping with OP’s depression, fine to speak to his mother.

I think it was cruel of him for breaking the trust of OP and also cruel to potentially upset his mother about a grandchild that will not be.

Some MILs are wonderful. Some are not. Some would be a fabulous support. Some will hang it over the DIL for ever more.

We don’t know.

But there will be a reason why OP asked him not to discuss it with this one person.

He agreed then broke that trust. I wouldn’t be able to get over that.

Lachimolala · 19/12/2023 15:42

I’m with you OP. I would be utterly devastated, it’s your body, your medical procedure and your trauma. He had absolutely no right to disclose it to anyone else without your consent. He could’ve spoken to his GP if so concerned about your low mood. He could’ve sought support regarding your mood, without telling people the reason why it’s not good right now.

ShittingPeugeot · 19/12/2023 15:52

beanontoast · 19/12/2023 15:05

Can guarantee that everyone saying ‘it’s not the same for men, he didn’t need support’ would probably be accusing the same husband as being manipulative or guilt trippy if he openly said to OP that he was struggling with aborting his child.

Absolutely

muggart · 19/12/2023 15:58

Its not right that he should dictate that she can't have the privacy she has asked him for.

Exactly this. I am shocked that people here are arguing that a woman should have no right to medical confidentiality if her DH doesn't want her to.

SerafinasGoose · 19/12/2023 16:01

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 15:16

I absolutely am not. I can fully understand that she is suffering trauma as a result of a termination even if it is one that they jointly chose to undertake.

What I am saying just as she has suffered depression her DH is seeking ways to try to help, didn't knkw where to turn so turned to his mother who presumably he is close with. He, I assume, told her about the termination as I suspect he does believe that is a cause or a factor so that he could get advice how to approach the situation.

Show quote history

You take too much upon yourself.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 16:02

C8H10N4O2 · 19/12/2023 15:32

And if you want to make it much worse for the sufferer of depression you betray their trust with a mutual third party. His DM cannot even be an objective support - she is emotionally involved.

He could have looked to other sources of support as agreed with the OP - he didn't. He could have avoided lying to the OP - he. didn't. And ultimately no - he didn't have the same experience as the OP because his body and hormones were not turned upside down in addition to any emotional challenges around the decision making.

He has taken the path which is most damaging to the OP and which will not even provide him with objective counsel - he has only considered himself, not the OP.

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This is not a court case, there is absolutely no requirement for “objective counsel”. It is a very normal, human and natural thing to do, to seek emotional support from your mother.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/12/2023 16:07

I wouldn't want mil knowing that either.
I'm sorry op.
I think some marriage counselling might help you get across just how betrayed you feel and help you work out how and if you can move forward. If the marriage is otherwise good and he is usually a decent guy I would try to fix it over leaving g

Soapboxqueen · 19/12/2023 16:13

OP I'd be upset too. That is your private medical information and I'd struggle to trust him after that. Particularly after your specifically said not to tell MIL.

Women's private information doesn't become public if it involves their uterus.

Men do not go through the same things as women if they have an abortion. It's ludicrous to suggest so. If for no other reason that the decision is ultimately hers and so the blame will be aimed at her for those that don't agree with it.

Now, does that mean men are unaffected and should not be able or need to get support, no. I don't think the OP (or anyone really) has said that men shouldn't get support if they need it. I think who the OPs DH got the support from is the big issue here.

The OP specifically said she didn't want MIL to know about the abortion.

He told her anyway.

I'm on great terms with my MIL but she'd be furious with my DH if he told her something of that gravity without my permission.

And no, posting for support on anonymous forums is not the same as someone telling your MIL.

Renamed · 19/12/2023 16:16

Cas112 · 19/12/2023 14:05

What about his needs OP? is the abortion not a big life event for him too?

Is he not allowed emotional support from his own mother

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Look, fuck this, it’s completely irrelevant. If my DP tells me something, say a diagnosis, and asks me not to tell someone , I shouldn’t tell them, the end. Even if it affects me, even if I am worried about it, even My Mummy. It’s that simple.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 16:40

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 15:12

I think men can be really forgotten about in abortion. It’s true that it does affect a woman in ways they will never comprehend.

However, this is his loss and experience as well. It not right that you dictate to him who he can turn to while he mourns/processes.

What bullshit. It's her private medical information. So is her depression, for that matter.

I couldn't be with some weakling who had to run to mummy with private marital and medical issues.

Find a counselor, go to an online support group or a real-life support group, talk to the barman at a distant pub. Whatever, but don't be telling the in-laws my private stuff.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 16:40

Well stated, @Renamed