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Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
shearwater2 · 19/12/2023 14:53

I think it's a huge breach of trust. I am close to my mum but there is stuff she doesn't know about DH or SIL because it's their secret to tell.

SerafinasGoose · 19/12/2023 14:53

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:49

How does your husband feel about you sharing your abortion with 1000s of anonymous strangers online? Did you discuss with him where it is and isn’t appropriate for you to seek advice on this matter and he cleared Mumsnet? Rather than a therapist?

i appreciate you are going through avery difficult time. One many people here can sympathise with, but your posts ooze resentment. You say your DH is “bothered” about your depression. Is that fair? Is it “bothering” him or is her worried, concerned, frightened, sad?

The answer's right there in your own question. It's been shared anonymously. We are a bunch of fonts on the internet: we don't know who OP is, therefore our insights are objective.

It's a complete false equivalence that this action in any way resembles the sharing of private information with an unsupportive MiL, expressly against the wishes of the one who actually underwent that experience. It's a disgraceful breach of trust however much people try to explain it away and minimise it. In any event, that is a judgement call for OP to make. She's entitled to her feelings.

Not least, it's about OP's body. It's about her mental health, and her private medical information. She can ask for help in whatever way she sees fit. Her DP has no right to override her wishes.

Holly60 · 19/12/2023 14:54

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:47

capgemleopis

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Having a termination is a huge thing and to expect him not to talk to his mum for support or advice is ridiculous.

I suggest you read the thread. DH was not seeking support re termination. It was not a huge thing to him. He struggled with the OPs depression, not the termination.

How do you really know what he was seeking support for? Were you listening to the conversation? Are you him?

A man seeks support from his mother and mumsnet is outraged.

It's such a double standard as i bet the vast majority of women on here have sought support from their mothers and in doing so have shared confidential information that involves someone else.

This is fine but if a man does it he is automatically a 'mummies boy' and totally out of order.

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 14:54

There are clearly a lot of posters who have issue with reading comprehension issues.

well, @Goldcrestonabranch i'd probably put you in among them because literally nobody has indicated they

think a termination is in the same way traumatic for a man as for a woman.

On the contrary, men do also need to talk (and "talk to a therapist" while good advice is laughable - suicidal people can barely get therapy) and sometimes they turn to their mum

It is more complicated because for whatever reason OP asked him not to - but if he literally felt he couldn't talk to anyone else, he's stuck with nobody.

OP, has she flapped her gums about it?

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:54

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:49

@Spirallingdownwards
you missed the part that the call wasn't about getting support for coming to terms with the termination!

I certainly have not missed the point. Please see my post above about how is trying to seek help about her depression that may or may not have been caused by her termination. posted at 14.45 HTH

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:55

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:49

How does your husband feel about you sharing your abortion with 1000s of anonymous strangers online? Did you discuss with him where it is and isn’t appropriate for you to seek advice on this matter and he cleared Mumsnet? Rather than a therapist?

i appreciate you are going through avery difficult time. One many people here can sympathise with, but your posts ooze resentment. You say your DH is “bothered” about your depression. Is that fair? Is it “bothering” him or is her worried, concerned, frightened, sad?

OP is sharing her personal body experience with people. Not her husband's. It has nothing to do with him. It's not his story to tell. Her body - her story. Not his.

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:57

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:51

@PeppermintMandy you cannot be that ignorant that you don't understand the difference between discussing something with immediate family v posting about something on an anonymous internet forum. Nobody here know who OP is.

I am very aware that there is a difference. Do you think OP would have been ok with her DH anonymously posting about the abortion on a online forum used by 1000s?

The point isn’t who has been told. The point is who the couple AGREED could or couldn’t be told. You can’t say how her DH would feel about this post. He might feel equally appalled and betrayed as OP does about him telling his MIL.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:57

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:50

I am always gobsmacked by the number of people who do not understand the effect of a miscarriage or termination by choice on the male partner. Whilst the son was seeking advice from his mother about the OP's depression if the underlying cause was the termination or if it fed into it in any way then it is relevant to his discussion. It was as much "his" termination in a psychological and emotional sense albeit not physical and in a situation where OP freely admitted she had told other people (that she chsoe to tell) he must surely be allowed the same leeway.

Show quote history

OP told other people about her personal health, as she is entitled to. It's HER health, nothing to do with him. He can tell his own story about his body, but not hers. He has no right to talk about the health of anyone else.

Spaghettine · 19/12/2023 14:58

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:49

How does your husband feel about you sharing your abortion with 1000s of anonymous strangers online? Did you discuss with him where it is and isn’t appropriate for you to seek advice on this matter and he cleared Mumsnet? Rather than a therapist?

i appreciate you are going through avery difficult time. One many people here can sympathise with, but your posts ooze resentment. You say your DH is “bothered” about your depression. Is that fair? Is it “bothering” him or is her worried, concerned, frightened, sad?

Yes because taking to a family member compares to a vague post on a random anonymous website. Uh huh.

oakleaffy · 19/12/2023 14:58

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 19/12/2023 12:59

Is this not his experience too? Not just yours? I’m sorry you had to go through this but he went through it too and needed somebody to talk to.

Many adult sons are close to their mothers- and it was his fetus too.

Of course he would have mentioned it to her if he was worried.

If you have a son he will probably share info with you when he’s an adult.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:58

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:51

By her own admission she told other people. She didn't keep it quiet.

Show quote history

Yes by her own admission she told other people her own medical details. Which is her right. Her choice as it is her medical details. So, your point is?

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:59

bearsbeets2 · 19/12/2023 14:52

Can people read OPs updates, please? He was FOR the abortion, he didn’t need support with that.

I’ve been through a medical termination this year. DP did not want children, it was me who felt unsure because of guilt. I told my Mother because I needed support, not only for the decision but for the pregnancy symptoms I was having from 5 weeks onwards and the side effects afterwards. I asked DP not to tell anyone and he has 100% stuck to that. I’m not saying that men aren’t affected by terminations, but it’s in no way comparable to what women go through.

OP, he shouldn’t have broken your trust talking to MIL.

By you own logic she was for the termination too. She is depressed maybe as a result and maybe not. She hasn't indicated whether it as a result. He is seeking help about the depression and the termination may be a factor to be considered.

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:59

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:55

OP is sharing her personal body experience with people. Not her husband's. It has nothing to do with him. It's not his story to tell. Her body - her story. Not his.

Show quote history

Nope she is sharing her relationship issues. The post isn’t about her abortion. It’s about her DH. The discussion isn’t about her abortion. It’s about her DH. Her issue isn’t seeking support for how she feels about her abortion. It’s for how she feels about her DH.

BIossomtoes · 19/12/2023 14:59

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:57

OP told other people about her personal health, as she is entitled to. It's HER health, nothing to do with him. He can tell his own story about his body, but not hers. He has no right to talk about the health of anyone else.

Show quote history

It has everything to do with him. She didn’t get pregnant all by herself.

happychristmas2023 · 19/12/2023 15:01

No sorry to the other posters, but it would be over for me too. You're right, you need to be able to trust your partner with your heart and soul. That was your personal secret and he has betrayed you emotionally.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 15:01

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:58

Yes by her own admission she told other people her own medical details. Which is her right. Her choice as it is her medical details. So, your point is?

Show quote history

Terminating his child is as much his decision too. In such circumstances this is part of his life experience too. He was seeking help for his depressed wife to the person he probably feels closest to. OP can tell random she aborted his child but he can't tell his mum...

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 15:02

BIossomtoes · 19/12/2023 14:59

It has everything to do with him. She didn’t get pregnant all by herself.

Show quote history

She was the one who went through the abortion, her body. He didn't. It has nothing to do with him.

Valeriekat · 19/12/2023 15:03

If my daughter in law wants me to know something about her life then SHE tells me.
I would be horrified if my son thought it was appropriate to tell me something that his wife didn't want me to know. A mother can support her son without needing to know details.

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 15:03

Spaghettine · 19/12/2023 14:58

Yes because taking to a family member compares to a vague post on a random anonymous website. Uh huh.

Show quote history

Please see my previous response to this.

It isn’t about comparing one for the other. It’s about OP not wanting her DH to seek support from his DM. Maybe her DH would rather she didn’t seek support for their relationship on a forum visited by 1000s. Where posts often end up on the Daily Mail. He’d be perfectly within his rights to say who or where she can and can’t seek support for something involving his private life, just as much as she has a right to ask him not to seek support for something involving her private life in places she in uncomfortable.

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 15:04

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 15:01

Terminating his child is as much his decision too. In such circumstances this is part of his life experience too. He was seeking help for his depressed wife to the person he probably feels closest to. OP can tell random she aborted his child but he can't tell his mum...

Show quote history

Interesting tha you phrase it "terminating his child". He wanted her to do it. From that moment on, it is about her body. So yes OP can tell random people about HER medical business. He can't.

beanontoast · 19/12/2023 15:05

Can guarantee that everyone saying ‘it’s not the same for men, he didn’t need support’ would probably be accusing the same husband as being manipulative or guilt trippy if he openly said to OP that he was struggling with aborting his child.

LunaandLily · 19/12/2023 15:06

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:37

What are these “wealth of resources” then please?

Could you please provide names and links for where you can access support with 5 minutes notice, without me having to pay £100 an hour, to speak to somebody who can provide you with emotional or mental support?

Show quote history

Sshhh.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 15:07

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:59

Nope she is sharing her relationship issues. The post isn’t about her abortion. It’s about her DH. The discussion isn’t about her abortion. It’s about her DH. Her issue isn’t seeking support for how she feels about her abortion. It’s for how she feels about her DH.

Edited
Show quote history

By her own admission she has told people in real life about her termination. Whilst the post is about how she feels about him I think people are seeking to explain why he may have felt the need to explain some background to the depression to his mum, probably the person he feels next closest to. I honestly feel that OP isn't in the right frame of mind at the moment to separate out her dislike of her MIL from her DH'S own need for support. No one terminates lightly especially within a long term relationship. I believe her depression may be clouding her view at present and would urge her not to do anything drastic or life changing but to seek medical help for her depression and realise people are simlly pointing out that her husband has found himself in a place where he really doesnt know what to do to help her and sought it from his mum.

Holly60 · 19/12/2023 15:08

She was the one who went through the abortion, her body. He didn't. It has nothing to do with him.

@SoreAndTired1 as someone whose husband has lost a child to miscarriage I have to be really honest I'm struggling a bit with your repeated references to OP's abortion in these terms.

I get that an abortion is different to a miscarriage but if OP is allowed to struggle with it, then I think her DH is too. Ok he might have felt it was the right thing to do, in the same way OP did. However he is allowed to be conflicted over it later, or be struggling with the impact it's had on his wife. And he should be allowed to seek support with this.

ArcaneWireless · 19/12/2023 15:08

Valeriekat · 19/12/2023 15:03

If my daughter in law wants me to know something about her life then SHE tells me.
I would be horrified if my son thought it was appropriate to tell me something that his wife didn't want me to know. A mother can support her son without needing to know details.

This.

All day long.