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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
LuvSmallDogs · 19/12/2023 14:38

I can see why you're upset, but you are not thinking with a clear head, you are catastrophising due to your depression. I urge you not to make permanent, big decisions like ending your relationship right now.

LifeonMarsnotVenus · 19/12/2023 14:39

YABU. She’s his mum, not some random bloke down the pub.

I don’t think it’s OK to dictate who your partner is allowed to speak to about any matters that might affect them. That’s bordering on controlling, abusive behaviour.

I’ve had 2 abortions so I understand how traumatic they can be and the decision to terminate is 100% the woman’s choice.

However, your right to privacy around the termination cannot overrule his right to choose how he deals with issues that affect him. I would be horrified if my adult sons were told they couldn’t discuss sensitive matters with either myself or my husband just because their wives felt that the information was private.

Ofcourseshecan · 19/12/2023 14:39

My mistake. It was OP, not DH who’s depressed. Even less excuse for him to tell his mother!

OP, I hope you’re all right, and getting proper help with your depression. I’m sure he meant no harm, but he has massively let you down and damaged the trust you should be able to have in a marriage. You need to discuss this. Perhaps in couple counselling?

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 14:40

What are these “wealth of resources” then please?

Friends, counselling, or literally any family member other than the one he specifically promised not to tell?

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:42

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 13:11

@NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed

He tried to justify it that he was worried about me and wanted her advice.

If he needs his mother's advice on how to be a decent partner or husband, then, honestly, love, RUN A MILE. Had you not noticed any signs of him being pathetic?

Show quote history

That is utterly appalling advice. I’m genuinely disgusted.

A husband is concerned about his wife, isn’t sure where to turn so he’s asks his Mum. Presumably the second closes female he has in his life after OP. Someone who may very well have experienced this herself, or something akin to it.

The OP is asking bloody Mumsnet for advise but her DH can share with his Mum that’s he’s concerned for her???

Snowdogsmitten · 19/12/2023 14:44

capgemleopis · 19/12/2023 13:06

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Having a termination is a huge thing and to expect him not to talk to his mum for support or advice is ridiculous.

Frankly, it’s fuck all to do with him.

GuinnessBird · 19/12/2023 14:44

I can't see that he's done anything wrong.

He was seeking advice and support rather than bottling it up.

I'd rather DH talked to his mum than his mates in the pub.

crumblingschools · 19/12/2023 14:45

How is your depression impacting your life and family life?

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:45

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:09

The termination was a non-event for him. It's my depression he is bothered by.

Show quote history

First I am sorry you found yourself in a position whereby you needed a termination and that you have depression (whether as a result or not. However, with each post you seem more heartless and I can see why he turned to his mum for support. He needed her support to help deal with your depression which also appears to have affected any kind of compassion you may have towards him. I am sure it wasn't a non event for him even if it was something he agreed with as being necessary as well as being sure your depression is hard work for him to deal with. I think you need to seek some form of counselling to help you as despite him trying to find a way it clearly isn't good enough.

I get that when you are in a dark place it is easy to make it all about you. You have however chosen to tell some people about your termination by your own admission. However if he needs to speak to his mum about the termination of a pregnancy he was responsible for then that is also his choice.

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:46

There are clearly a lot of posters who have issue with reading comprehension issues. DH did not speak to MIL to get support over the termination. He did not struggle with this but he thought help as OP struggles with depression. There was no need to disclose the underlying reason for that.

I am also gobsmacked about posters who think a termination is in the same way traumatic for a man as for a woman.

Men do not get pregnant, and do not undergo terminations. It happens to a women. Do people really think this is en par? Jesus?

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:46

Snowdogsmitten · 19/12/2023 14:44

Frankly, it’s fuck all to do with him.

Show quote history

I must have missed the part where it wasn't him that was responsible for the pregnancy.

PhulNana · 19/12/2023 14:47

@PeppermintMandy

A husband is concerned about his wife, isn’t sure where to turn so he’s asks his Mum

Few things are more poisonous to a marriage than a mammy's boy. Interesting that you dignify (twice, wrongly) the word 'Mum' with a capital letter, but poor 'wife' is left all small. Significant perhaps? Are you an MIL by any chance?

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 14:47

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 14:40

What are these “wealth of resources” then please?

Friends, counselling, or literally any family member other than the one he specifically promised not to tell?

Nobody has the right to dictate which friend or family member another person finds most supportive.

So again, could you please provide a link to counselling which is completely free of charge and available within 5 minutes?

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:47

capgemleopis

I think you are being totally unreasonable. Having a termination is a huge thing and to expect him not to talk to his mum for support or advice is ridiculous.

I suggest you read the thread. DH was not seeking support re termination. It was not a huge thing to him. He struggled with the OPs depression, not the termination.

beanontoast · 19/12/2023 14:48

YABU. It was his baby too. You can’t dictate who he seeks emotional support from - maybe he doesn’t want to tell his friends. While it was your body he also went through it. I can hardly believe anyone would think being this controlling is okay.

justasking111 · 19/12/2023 14:48

But if @NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed wanted the abortion and is now depressed he might turn to his mother for advice. I guess in better times he could have talked to their GP but getting an appointment now.

@NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed has not said she was against the abortion has she

SerafinasGoose · 19/12/2023 14:48

missmollygreen · 19/12/2023 13:53

Fucking hell, this is harsh.

The poor buy as going through the same thing the OP is, but he also has a wife who has had an awful trauma to deal with. Some women as so cruel and selfish

Edited
Show quote history

Give over with the women-bashing BS. This isn't about male vs. female: it's about betrayal of trust and the plain old distinction between right and wrong.

It's predictable, though, that the everlasting, tedious 'what about the men?'; 'women are soooooo awful!' proclamations would soon pipe up. 💤

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:49

@Spirallingdownwards
you missed the part that the call wasn't about getting support for coming to terms with the termination!

AInightingale · 19/12/2023 14:49

YANBU. The pregnancy was created between you as a couple, it was your decision to make. I understand your need to keep it private. He broke your trust. I would be furious too. if he needed help to support you there are plenty of professionals or charities he could have approached. I don't see why it had to be his mother. I can also understand how this won't help you, in your depressed state.

Brefugee · 19/12/2023 14:49

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 13:09

The termination was a non-event for him. It's my depression he is bothered by.

Show quote history

very gently, OP, it isn't a non-event for him is it? if it is causing you such depression that he needs to ask for outside help? and of course he's going to talk to the person he thinks can best help him.

IME (but i am aware that all men are different) they don't generally talk to their mates about these things.

So now you need to decide if you're going to tell him to make it clear to her it goes no further, or if you are going to be a bit unreasonable about it.

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:49

How does your husband feel about you sharing your abortion with 1000s of anonymous strangers online? Did you discuss with him where it is and isn’t appropriate for you to seek advice on this matter and he cleared Mumsnet? Rather than a therapist?

i appreciate you are going through avery difficult time. One many people here can sympathise with, but your posts ooze resentment. You say your DH is “bothered” about your depression. Is that fair? Is it “bothering” him or is her worried, concerned, frightened, sad?

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:50

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:46

There are clearly a lot of posters who have issue with reading comprehension issues. DH did not speak to MIL to get support over the termination. He did not struggle with this but he thought help as OP struggles with depression. There was no need to disclose the underlying reason for that.

I am also gobsmacked about posters who think a termination is in the same way traumatic for a man as for a woman.

Men do not get pregnant, and do not undergo terminations. It happens to a women. Do people really think this is en par? Jesus?

I am always gobsmacked by the number of people who do not understand the effect of a miscarriage or termination by choice on the male partner. Whilst the son was seeking advice from his mother about the OP's depression if the underlying cause was the termination or if it fed into it in any way then it is relevant to his discussion. It was as much "his" termination in a psychological and emotional sense albeit not physical and in a situation where OP freely admitted she had told other people (that she chsoe to tell) he must surely be allowed the same leeway.

Spirallingdownwards · 19/12/2023 14:51

AInightingale · 19/12/2023 14:49

YANBU. The pregnancy was created between you as a couple, it was your decision to make. I understand your need to keep it private. He broke your trust. I would be furious too. if he needed help to support you there are plenty of professionals or charities he could have approached. I don't see why it had to be his mother. I can also understand how this won't help you, in your depressed state.

By her own admission she told other people. She didn't keep it quiet.

Goldcrestonabranch · 19/12/2023 14:51

@PeppermintMandy you cannot be that ignorant that you don't understand the difference between discussing something with immediate family v posting about something on an anonymous internet forum. Nobody here know who OP is.

bearsbeets2 · 19/12/2023 14:52

Can people read OPs updates, please? He was FOR the abortion, he didn’t need support with that.

I’ve been through a medical termination this year. DP did not want children, it was me who felt unsure because of guilt. I told my Mother because I needed support, not only for the decision but for the pregnancy symptoms I was having from 5 weeks onwards and the side effects afterwards. I asked DP not to tell anyone and he has 100% stuck to that. I’m not saying that men aren’t affected by terminations, but it’s in no way comparable to what women go through.

OP, he shouldn’t have broken your trust talking to MIL.