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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told MIL about my abortion

279 replies

NameeeeeeeChangeeeeed · 19/12/2023 12:50

I have been very depressed. He says he was worried about me and needed advice. So he told MIL everything without my permission.

We have a 3yr old child and the abortion was over the summer. MIL lives the other end of the country so she couldn't offer practical help. It was just emotional support for him.

I had specifically told him not share this with her. He claims not to remember that conversation. If he told a male friend for support then fine. But not MIL.

I feel shattered. I don't see how I can ever trust him with anything private or confidential again. He had no right to share my private medical information with his Mother.

Right now I feel like the relationship is over. We've been together a decade though, have a house and a child. But how can I stay living with a man where I have to hide secrets from him because he can't be trusted? She is the last person in the world I would confide in and he knows that. Now all their family will know.

OP posts:
VanityDiesHard · 19/12/2023 17:23

Anonymouseposter · 19/12/2023 13:11

I would be furious. I often feel people say LTB too easily on here and I’m a bit surprised that a majority think it’s not that huge a problem. Personally I would find it difficult to forgive him. I could forgive some things that are often considered unforgivable on here but this betrayal of confidence would be too much for me.

I'm the exact same. Sometimes I think people on this site have their heads on back to front.

BeardieWeirdie · 19/12/2023 17:31

He’s betrayed you. I wouldn’t want my MIL knowing this either because she’d use it against me and make it all about her (“this could have been the grandson I’ll never have, waaaah!”)

Your abortion is not his body or his right to tell anyone, barring a confidential professional, if that was what you wanted.

WorriedMum231 · 19/12/2023 17:38

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 16:40

What bullshit. It's her private medical information. So is her depression, for that matter.

I couldn't be with some weakling who had to run to mummy with private marital and medical issues.

Find a counselor, go to an online support group or a real-life support group, talk to the barman at a distant pub. Whatever, but don't be telling the in-laws my private stuff.

Show quote history

Oh wow. Have you considered counselling for yourself? Because honestly that response was so toxic.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 17:46

BeardieWeirdie · 19/12/2023 17:31

He’s betrayed you. I wouldn’t want my MIL knowing this either because she’d use it against me and make it all about her (“this could have been the grandson I’ll never have, waaaah!”)

Your abortion is not his body or his right to tell anyone, barring a confidential professional, if that was what you wanted.

Exactly. MIL doesn't need that private information about anyone let alone her DIL.

NoTouch · 19/12/2023 18:49

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 16:40

What bullshit. It's her private medical information. So is her depression, for that matter.

I couldn't be with some weakling who had to run to mummy with private marital and medical issues.

Find a counselor, go to an online support group or a real-life support group, talk to the barman at a distant pub. Whatever, but don't be telling the in-laws my private stuff.

Show quote history

If anything men should be encouraged to talk through their feelings with someone in their life they feel comfortable with. The same as many women do.

It should not be seen as weak to try to talk through, seek support or another opinion for a problem from a trusted confidant close to us. Perhaps if it wasn't seen as weak the male suicide rate wouldn't be almost 3 times that of female.

justasking111 · 19/12/2023 19:00

NoTouch · 19/12/2023 18:49

If anything men should be encouraged to talk through their feelings with someone in their life they feel comfortable with. The same as many women do.

It should not be seen as weak to try to talk through, seek support or another opinion for a problem from a trusted confidant close to us. Perhaps if it wasn't seen as weak the male suicide rate wouldn't be almost 3 times that of female.

Show quote history

So men should be stiff upper lip at all times it seems.

I didn't know that the male suicide rate was treble that of women. That's heartbreaking

SerafinasGoose · 19/12/2023 19:00

NoTouch · 19/12/2023 18:49

If anything men should be encouraged to talk through their feelings with someone in their life they feel comfortable with. The same as many women do.

It should not be seen as weak to try to talk through, seek support or another opinion for a problem from a trusted confidant close to us. Perhaps if it wasn't seen as weak the male suicide rate wouldn't be almost 3 times that of female.

Show quote history

Given it's OP who is the one battling depression, the strategically-added male suicide statistic is a bit out of place here. The one who is struggling is his wife. This was therefore a cheap point to make.

OP's MiL is not in her confidence. She doesn't choose to have her know the details of her intimate information, birth control issues or her current state of mental health. That is her right, and the least she's entitled to is to have those wishes respected by her life partner.

The expectation of privacy is not a big ask. These are her mental health struggles (it's these that are the issue here, not the termination which her DH is apparently quite happy with) and her private medical information. Doubtless depression is hard on those who have to live alongside someone with the condition, but that's nowhere near as hard as it is on those who suffer.

OP is entitled to feel aggrieved that her wishes have been disregarded in this way, although it comes as no surprise that so many posters are so eager to dismiss minimise her sense of hurt and anger and to minimise his betrayal.

Strange though it might seem, women matter too.

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 19:05

Perhaps if it wasn't seen as weak the male suicide rate wouldn't be almost 3 times that of female.

Anyone who's that low needs a professional. It's also completely reasonable not to want that specific information shared with your MIL and it's not fair to blame women for that. If they had a problem with their sex life, he wouldn't be telling his mum. To op, she doesn't want her abortion told either.

There are other people someone can talk to, not really healthy to dump it all on your mum.

Valeriekat · 19/12/2023 19:05

SoreAndTired1 · 19/12/2023 14:31

Saying a woman who has been violated is wrong for leaving her husband is misogynistic enough, using the term 'histrionics' is simply peak misogyny. I wonder how many men are on this thread.

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Quite a lot.

Staniam · 19/12/2023 19:16

He has always been absolutely fine with it. He was keen for the abortion and has no regrets and suffered no after effects.

Christ on a bike, the people on here pretending that the guy was simply and rightfully dealing with his trauma should be ashamed of themselves. Read what OP actually said. You're berating a woman who is depressed and probably actually traumatised for not prioritising her DH's non-existent grief. She stated that was actually bothering him was that she was depressed about it. Awful behaviour from some of the posters here.

NoTouch · 19/12/2023 19:34

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 19:05

Perhaps if it wasn't seen as weak the male suicide rate wouldn't be almost 3 times that of female.

Anyone who's that low needs a professional. It's also completely reasonable not to want that specific information shared with your MIL and it's not fair to blame women for that. If they had a problem with their sex life, he wouldn't be telling his mum. To op, she doesn't want her abortion told either.

There are other people someone can talk to, not really healthy to dump it all on your mum.

I would hope any man, I know who is struggling or feeling overwhelmed with something, as we all do at times, and he felt he needed advice/support he would speak to someone close to him that he trusts to confide in, knows and knows him (that includes parents and siblings) before it got anywhere near the stage of needing a professional, and not feel he was "dumping" anything on them.

I would also hope he would be a listening ear for anyone who needed him. That's what family and friends are their for.

That goes for women too, but we are generally, not always, better at talking to friends/family when we need to yet never get shamed or called weak for it.

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 19:37

If not being able to tell your mum about someone else's personal business makes you depressed, that is dumping. Tell someone else.

I'm not against being close to your parents but can we not leverage our arguments with suicide. Thanks.

capgemleopis · 19/12/2023 20:03

Makes me wonder what kind of relationships some of you have with your husbands because if I aborted our baby it would have just as much to do with him as it would me. @Snowdogsmitten

SALWARP2023 · 19/12/2023 20:19

I don't think you should deprive your child of a happy family life with his father over this. DH shouldn't have told his Mum but who should he talk to? Perhaps you would prefer him to become emotionally close to a female friend or colleague with whom to share his worries with? Sure that would be a good idea. Be grateful he confides in his mum as men generally don't talk to each other much. You are being selfish and I suspect this is actually about the termination rather than DH.

Lachimolala · 20/12/2023 06:58

To put it simply, until baby/fetus/zygote whatever term fits is born. Mum, the woman, OP in this case is the patient. From a legal standpoint that is, so actually if OP said it was to be kept private then her idiot husband should’ve absolutely kept it private. This is a grotesque breach of trust on his part. And I’d urge posters to go back and re-read just how unbothered he is regarding HER medical procedure.

C8H10N4O2 · 20/12/2023 09:01

Mrsttcno1 · 19/12/2023 16:02

This is not a court case, there is absolutely no requirement for “objective counsel”. It is a very normal, human and natural thing to do, to seek emotional support from your mother.

Show quote history

Don't be silly, its nothing to do with "court cases". Its about mutual trust in a difficult situation.

The DH has made it clear than when it comes to the crunch he overruled the OP's needs in favour of his own comfort and has breached her trust. Counsel must be objective or its useless - its not counsel, its someone saying "there there" and potentilally making the situation worse.

We might like to think "our boys" can only really be helped by mummy but we would be deeply wrong. There are some situations where the privacy of the partner must be respected - including by us as "mothers of sons".

ShittingPeugeot · 20/12/2023 09:51

capgemleopis · 19/12/2023 20:03

Makes me wonder what kind of relationships some of you have with your husbands because if I aborted our baby it would have just as much to do with him as it would me. @Snowdogsmitten

Edited

I agree.
I mean the mum should always come first as paramount but the dads to seem to get pushed aside hugely.

(Queue the 'where is your bar' comments in 3, 2, 1..)

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 20/12/2023 10:02

But maybe he’s not ‘unbothered’ by her struggling with her mental health and wanted to ask his mum for advice. What could a make friend or colleague say to help with that?

PricklePop · 20/12/2023 10:23

NightisdarkandfullofterrorsGOT · 20/12/2023 10:02

But maybe he’s not ‘unbothered’ by her struggling with her mental health and wanted to ask his mum for advice. What could a make friend or colleague say to help with that?

Heat could somebody op doesn't like - or want to know about this issue - do to help?

Clearly not very much, because now op feels massively betrayed.

AInightingale · 20/12/2023 11:19

i don't get the people on this thread who think it is okay to tell the MIL about this situation. It's adding a whole new emotional dimension that OP clearly didn't want. Telling the 'grandparent' (as she is of the little girl) that there has been a termination is very different to him confiding in a mate or a stranger helping from a professional position, and OP does state that she wouldn't have minded this so much. I do get where she is coming from, hope she is feeling okay this morning.

WorriedMum231 · 20/12/2023 11:21

PricklePop · 19/12/2023 19:05

Perhaps if it wasn't seen as weak the male suicide rate wouldn't be almost 3 times that of female.

Anyone who's that low needs a professional. It's also completely reasonable not to want that specific information shared with your MIL and it's not fair to blame women for that. If they had a problem with their sex life, he wouldn't be telling his mum. To op, she doesn't want her abortion told either.

There are other people someone can talk to, not really healthy to dump it all on your mum.

No one is blaming the women for that. The blame goes on the utterly disgusting attitude of some of the public and society - of which you just aided greatly.

PricklePop · 20/12/2023 11:23

Oh no, I don't think it's ok to share personal information with MIL when you said explicitly you wouldn't.

Yes, I'm everything that's wrong with society.

🥱

lljkk · 20/12/2023 12:08

the reverse thread goes like this:

"DH is very upset that I asked my dad for advice & says I shouldn't confide in my family. He has been really moody & difficult. I feel so helpless with him. I didn't know what to do. DH (did something personal urogenital) and I think it's part of why he got so depressed. I didn't know who else to talk to. AIBU?"

That would certainly provoke a lot of LTB + "what a control freak" comments.

Hont1986 · 20/12/2023 12:08

using the term 'histrionics' is simply peak misogyny

You are thinking of the word 'hysterics'/'hysteria'.

AInightingale · 20/12/2023 12:22

lljkk · 20/12/2023 12:08

the reverse thread goes like this:

"DH is very upset that I asked my dad for advice & says I shouldn't confide in my family. He has been really moody & difficult. I feel so helpless with him. I didn't know what to do. DH (did something personal urogenital) and I think it's part of why he got so depressed. I didn't know who else to talk to. AIBU?"

That would certainly provoke a lot of LTB + "what a control freak" comments.

What sort of 'personal urogenital' would be an equivalent of a termination?

Sorry, but if a man say had a botched operation and ended up impotent or something as a result (and I know that's not the same thing, at all, as a termination, but I'm struggling to think of something) I wouldn't find it reasonable at all if his wife told her father against her husband's wishes. There is such a thing as medical confidentiality and terminations are part of this too. i wouldn't be happy for instance if my family somehow had sight of my private medical notes, never mind my in-laws.