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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think the first child always comes last in broken families?

222 replies

birdsinging · 19/12/2023 12:28

My mum and dad split when I was 4 so I barely remember them being together but my dad met someone pretty soon after and she was really lovely to me, I had a room at my mums and at my dads and it was meant to be 50/50 type arrangement until my dad and step mum had another dd and I was asked to stay at my mums full time because they needed my room but I still visited and could stay on the sofa sometimes.

I'm still close to my step mum but it's nothing like the instinctive bond she has with her own daughter and since they've had their own dd it's like they are a real family and I'm not really part of that.

My mum remarried and had 2 daughters with my stepdad who I get on with but now he has daughters with him, his daughters are everything to him and it's obvious they are the real family and then there's me too.
I just feel a jealous that all my sisters live in a family home with both biological parents who will always put their own first.

I don't live at home now but my younger sisters all do but in each family home I'm the only person that isn't fully related to most of the family.
I don't think my parents or sisters will ever see how it feels to be the other child, my nan always said I was so lucky to have two families to love me but it's just two families where I've never been anyone's priority.
I've left home and I'm happy in life, I just feel my childhood was ruined because my parents had me first. Sorry to rant but it's Christmas and I am thinking about family and it's just upsetting.

OP posts:
Lifelessonstoremember · 19/12/2023 12:30

I have thought this too. You're not less loved but there is less of a natural place. I'm so sorry.

Granthams · 19/12/2023 12:30

It’s not ideal for you, but what would have been? Your parents staying together unhappily, or them both remaining single forever?

Granthams · 19/12/2023 12:32

It’s very poor of your dad to say you could only sleep on the sofa though, there’s no reason you couldn’t have shared with a younger sister.

Useyourfork · 19/12/2023 12:40

I get you. My parents split when I was young. I find it hard to say anything to my parents as they were essentially good people trying to do their best at a difficult and bringing it up now would upset them.
Have you thought about spending a nice day on your own with one of them.
I went to a spa with just me and mum and it was lovely to have a bit of bonding time xx

GoonDog · 19/12/2023 12:44

I get it OP.
I too, am the 'odd one out'. My childhood was abusive and violent, all 3 of my 'parents' should probably never become them, but..

My biological father remarried, and had 2 boys. I lost my bedroom, as the boys needed it. I used to sleep on the sofa alone. Pretty lonely for a child of 4 years old when it changed.

My mother remarried, and had 2 more girls. My stepdads family didn't accept me. He clearly preferred my sisters.

I don't see my brothers, as I was always excluded from the majority of their family life and holidays etc. Clearly I wasn't family.

I see my sisters, but we're not close. They are.

Luckily I had amazing grandparents who tried to make me feel special, but it's hard being the one who doesn't fit it. Does make you feel unwanted.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 19/12/2023 12:47

Really sorry to hear this, unfortunately I don’t think it’s uncommon. I think that’s why there’s often strong reaction to step parents on here as many people can see that it’s often very detrimental to the existing children and wish the adults would put their needs first.

firstpregnancy1 · 19/12/2023 12:48

Really really poor on your dads side to make you give up the bedroom. Not ok at all.

Changed18 · 19/12/2023 12:49

It must be hard to have this for both your parents, you have my sympathies.

My parents both remarried but only one had subsequent kids. Now that I’ve lost the other parent and stepparent, I’m noticing this more - that they are the ‘proper’ family.

There are upsides too, though. More lovely people in your life - I have full, half and step siblings, who are all great. Less sense of personal responsibility for your parents - and more able to focus on your own kids/partner.

lunar1 · 19/12/2023 12:55

I can honestly say that for my brother and I there were absolutely zero upsides to being step children. Both thought the other should take more responsibility for us, so neither took any.

ChristmasSugarplumFairy · 19/12/2023 12:55

Not always.
If you're curious, nip on the the step parenting board to see what may posters have to say about "second" children. They shouldn't have been born, they don't deserve to go anywhere nice without older sibling, if their parent buys them so much as a pair of socks it is grudged if said parent doesn't also buy their DSC socks (whether they need socks or not!) Etc etc.
There are even step parents on there who are quite proud of consistently prioritising their step children over their own kids. Makes them a better class of person, apparently.
For me, all children should matter equally to their parents, regardless of who the other parent is. Sometimes one, sometimes the others needs/wants will be top priority, but never should there be a permanent hierarchy amongst a person's own children.
I prioritised selling my house and moving as soon as I found out I was pregnant so that my DSD would still have her own room. She didn't suddenly become less important to me or DH.
Your Dad and SM are a disgrace and I think your doing so well in life is two fingers up to them so well done you 👏

Original poster
birdsinging · 19/12/2023 13:08

lunar1 · 19/12/2023 12:55

I can honestly say that for my brother and I there were absolutely zero upsides to being step children. Both thought the other should take more responsibility for us, so neither took any.

Yes, I can definitely relate to this.

OP posts:
x88mph · 19/12/2023 13:11

I understand you. It's made obvious in so many ways. All the Christmas cards were written to DF, DSM and their joint offspring. I didn't exist. So many family photos up with a tiny token one of me. Never once taken on family holidays again after they had their own DC. It's hard knowing my DF is either too uncaring to notice or just thinks it's OK.

AmazingDayz · 19/12/2023 13:15

Hmm not always. My mum had 3 children before me and my brother and we were certainly the “outsiders” my mum and father weren’t together though and she would always make it clear the the older 3 were her favourites and me and my brother were often referred to as “G’s kids” to make us seem like outsiders, she would often go on about how she never liked or cared about my dad and that her true love had been the older ones father my sister also mentioned my mum would have aborted if she hadn’t had one previously, So it was the opposite way round here! So no not always true that the first ones come last!

CalistoNoSolo · 19/12/2023 13:18

I think it's shitty behaviour from all of the adults in your life, but particularly your own parents. I can't imagine doing anything other than putting DD first, and I would rather be single forever than sacrifice her wellbeing for some bloke. Way too many people have multiple children with zero thought about how their stupid selfish actions negatively affect those children.

Iskpugkk · 19/12/2023 13:28

I work with children and I often see this especially when the child is a teenager and starts acting like a normal teenager or acting out a bit.

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 13:57

YANBU. This is why on the whole I think parents who force stepfamilies on their kids are selfish.

ThornInMySide84 · 19/12/2023 14:01

Absolutely 100% agree with this. I knew the moment I had DS that I would never inflict a blended family on him. It’s a horrible feeling for any child.

Alohapotato · 19/12/2023 14:12

That's why I would never remarry and if I ever have a new partner he won't move in with me and the children

NeedToChangeName · 19/12/2023 14:17

Some of the disruption you've experienced would have happened even if your parents hadn't remarried / had more children

But I hear what you're saying about two homes where you feel you're not the top priority. That's not easy

helplesshopeless · 19/12/2023 14:27

I really hope my daughter doesn't feel like this. She is absolutely my priority and my ex husband's priority as well.

riotlady · 19/12/2023 14:30

YANBU, it’s a really hard position to be in, where you’re sort of part of two families but feel like you “belong” in neither. 2 houses, but no home.

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 14:31

Granthams · 19/12/2023 12:30

It’s not ideal for you, but what would have been? Your parents staying together unhappily, or them both remaining single forever?

Not forever single, but they could have prioritized parenting their existing child instead of prioritizing new relationships and new children.

I really think people shouldn't have offspring with more than one other person. We aren't animals that need to mate with everyone who comes along. It's so selfish.

AmazingDayz · 19/12/2023 14:35

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 14:31

Not forever single, but they could have prioritized parenting their existing child instead of prioritizing new relationships and new children.

I really think people shouldn't have offspring with more than one other person. We aren't animals that need to mate with everyone who comes along. It's so selfish.

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Really? So if someone has one child and the relationship doesn’t work out they shouldn’t have another child with someone else? They should just stick to one child? This isn’t my situation btw so just asking out of curiosity

OnMyHamptonWick · 19/12/2023 14:36

LaurieStrode · 19/12/2023 14:31

Not forever single, but they could have prioritized parenting their existing child instead of prioritizing new relationships and new children.

I really think people shouldn't have offspring with more than one other person. We aren't animals that need to mate with everyone who comes along. It's so selfish.

Show quote history

I completely agree.

Sorry, OP, your parents sound rubbish.

LolaSmiles · 19/12/2023 14:37

Way too many people have multiple children with zero thought about how their stupid selfish actions negatively affect those children.
The longer I'm on here, the more I have found myself agreeing with this.

There's so much moving in and having new babies to blend the family, men playing dad of the year to their partner's children whilst doing very little for their actual children, and children having to slot into what's convenient for adult relationships.

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