To think the first child always comes last in broken families?

[birdsinging]

My mum and dad split when I was 4 so I barely remember them being together but my dad met someone pretty soon after and she was really lovely to me, I had a room at my mums and at my dads and it was meant to be 50/50 type arrangement until my dad and step mum had another dd and I was asked to stay at my mums full time because they needed my room but I still visited and could stay on the sofa sometimes.

I'm still close to my step mum but it's nothing like the instinctive bond she has with her own daughter and since they've had their own dd it's like they are a real family and I'm not really part of that.

My mum remarried and had 2 daughters with my stepdad who I get on with but now he has daughters with him, his daughters are everything to him and it's obvious they are the real family and then there's me too.
I just feel a jealous that all my sisters live in a family home with both biological parents who will always put their own first.

I don't live at home now but my younger sisters all do but in each family home I'm the only person that isn't fully related to most of the family.
I don't think my parents or sisters will ever see how it feels to be the other child, my nan always said I was so lucky to have two families to love me but it's just two families where I've never been anyone's priority.
I've left home and I'm happy in life, I just feel my childhood was ruined because my parents had me first. Sorry to rant but it's Christmas and I am thinking about family and it's just upsetting.

Says someone who wants to make excuses to please themselves.

Half siblings will always have a better deal than the original kid. They get to be with both their parents all the time. That's an objective fact.

Not having more kids with a new partner won't stop your kid from having had the ACE of family breakdown, or protect them from the challenges of having two homes. But having more kids certainly rubs their face in it, and is totally unnecessary. People do it because they want to; and they'll do any amount of mental gymnastics to fool themselves this isn't harmful to their original kid(s), including sticking their fingers in their ears and going 'lalala' when people like the OP say EXACTLY how it makes their original kids feel.

similar position to you OP. totally feel the same way. It's a natural consequence of blended families, it is crap.

I love my stepsister; I love my younger half brother. But growing up feeling outside the family unit was very hard and has given me issues.

I don't know you, and if it all worked out brilliantly for you then great. But from the outside your story sounds incredibly sad and a classic example of an original child being pushed out and her needs put last when new man and new baby come on the scene. Maybe you are uniquely strong and independent, maybe you're in denial. Who knows. But most people would say feeling you had to leave your home to avoid your stepdad's aggression, and being made to feel responsible for your mother's mental health, was a pretty crappy situation.

I am sorry for your experience birdsinging.
My DS has a partner with a daughter from a previous relationship. I would like to reassure you that, reading your post today has made me even more determined to make sure this delightful LO will never be anything less to my family nor treated differently than any subsequent DC that may arrive in the future.

Thank you for putting your child first. I hope you get the opportunity to bring all that love to bear on grandkids in due course.

I didn’t have a biological child when I met my husband. He has a daughter.

I do think it’s a lot to ask that I didn’t then have my own child.

I dedicated myself to loving and supporting my step daughter. She has a bedroom, gets everything my daughter does, and is very much part of the family, and is with us 50/50. I hope she doesn’t feel as you do, I’m sorry it’s been so rough on you.

There are a lot of men in the world out there who don't have kids already. It's jis responsibility, not yours, to protect her wellbeing, so it's him I judge; but the fact is there will be days she will be miserably jealous of her daughter, when all she'll want is her own mum and her own dad in her own home, and seeing her sister who is so like her in so many ways but gets to have the one thing she never will, will hurt her. It will.

I’m so sorry OP. It does sound really rubbish for you, and your parents sound like they didn’t put you first. Especially your Dad - imagine making a child give up their room like that!

I am divorced. I think I put my children 100% first, including in the decision to divorce as things were toxic.

I am single. I fully intend to stay single or at least not bring anyone else into their home until they’ve left it. I don’t think I’d ever want to live with someone else again anyway but never say never. My exh does have two more children in his new relationship- whilst that’s his choice I never feel like he continued to put our children first from day one- it was like a race in his mind to meet someone new and start a new family.

I don’t know but I feel like it would be rubbish for our children if we both did that - they have their home here where it’s about the three of us. And very stable.

After them I have my work, my friends and my wider family (in no particular order!). I wouldn’t see a new man jumping into that list easily!

sad to say but it is very likely to change if your husband gets a new family. Experienced and seen it time and time again.

This is why barring some sort of abuse I will never divorce my husband.

It’s not about you, though.

I don’t think the divorce is as problematic as the remarriage. Although I did leave because of emotional abuse.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush

thats heartbreaking. I am unbelievably sad that something I have done has caused such an amazing child so much pain.

I’m sorry you had such an awful time.

Blended families only seem to work to benefit the parents, original children are often second class.

It's very easy to judge other people's life choices when you're doing so from the perspective of your own childhood and what you perceive to be the causes of issues experienced as a child. No two scenarios are the same, children from blended families can and do have amazing childhoods, children from intact families can and do have terrible childhoods.

If I didn't have siblings I would have no family.

It was in no way selfish for my other to move on and have another relationship after giving up everything to put me first.

It was not selfish for her to suffer from MH issues.

It was in no way selfish to give me siblings so I wouldn't be alone.

I'm baffled anyone can see it that way. Its a very childish 'me, me, me' attitude to think your parents should not ever be able to have a life outside of just you. Its very narcissistic to 'victim' blame everything on your parents relationship breakdown or future relationships and its massively naive to think you aren't fortunate just because you aren't a 1950s commercial style nuclear family (or that kids from non 'broken' families are actually happy).

He’s not the only man in the world, others were available if you really did want a child.

As usual adults put their own wants above the wellbeing of existing kids 🙄.

I don’t think it’s always true, but it often is the case that people just don’t think about how they’re going to manage it, and the first kids feel displaced. There needs to be much more awareness and education, given how many blended families there are.

Your dad let you down quite badly. Your stepparents sound OK (? - they aren’t realistically going to love you like their own when you have two parents).

What about your mum?

You are ignoring the fact -

I am both a half-sibling and a step sibling myself.

On the contrary my best friend was the child of both her parents’ second marriages. They stuck at one as they had so many children already, and were older.

On her dad’s side she has two older siblings who were grown-up when she was born; on her mum’s side she has three older siblings who were teens when she was born. Both sets are very close to their full siblings and their step siblings whereas my friend is lucky to get cards at Christmas. They all seem to resent her for being a product of her parents’ relationship and she’s basically like an only child with parents who are elderly and need care. She certainly doesn’t feel lucky to have her family, or that she’s prioritised.

As I say I wouldn't hold yourself responsible, it's her dad's decision - he should have prioritised her. Just as you, very naturally, will prioritise your own daughter.

well I’ve been truly told, and I am going to leave this thread now.

I love my stepdaughter, and I love my daughter. I can’t wish her out of existence now, so I’ll continue to do my best for both girls.

I hope you find some peace, op, I really am sorry you feel this way xx

I'm so sorry that's how you've been treated and made to feel. For what it's worth OP, even in families where both parents are still together and all children from the same parents; you can still be treated differently and unfairly. You'll never be 100% okay with your position within your families, but try to remind yourself of all the positives in your life and give the best of yourself to those who make you feel considered and loved.

Which kind? Were you the one who had to split yourself between two families or the one who got to live with both your parents?

It’s quite possible to do a good job of having a blended family, if everyone acts like an adult, takes responsibility and works together.

I’m sorry that wasn’t the case for you, but there is no need to be a bitch to someone who is probably part of a perfectly decent family.