To think the first child always comes last in broken families?

[birdsinging]

My mum and dad split when I was 4 so I barely remember them being together but my dad met someone pretty soon after and she was really lovely to me, I had a room at my mums and at my dads and it was meant to be 50/50 type arrangement until my dad and step mum had another dd and I was asked to stay at my mums full time because they needed my room but I still visited and could stay on the sofa sometimes.

I'm still close to my step mum but it's nothing like the instinctive bond she has with her own daughter and since they've had their own dd it's like they are a real family and I'm not really part of that.

My mum remarried and had 2 daughters with my stepdad who I get on with but now he has daughters with him, his daughters are everything to him and it's obvious they are the real family and then there's me too.
I just feel a jealous that all my sisters live in a family home with both biological parents who will always put their own first.

I don't live at home now but my younger sisters all do but in each family home I'm the only person that isn't fully related to most of the family.
I don't think my parents or sisters will ever see how it feels to be the other child, my nan always said I was so lucky to have two families to love me but it's just two families where I've never been anyone's priority.
I've left home and I'm happy in life, I just feel my childhood was ruined because my parents had me first. Sorry to rant but it's Christmas and I am thinking about family and it's just upsetting.

Sorry the people I am related to, live next door to, I am friends with and acquainted with.

Anyone who shacks up and has additional kids with multiple men to secure a meal ticket is scum, plain and simple.

No one who can't support herself and offspring, come what may, shouldn't be producing one human being, let alone multiple.

So? Those are the breaks.

There are 8 billion people on this poor planet. Everyone can find people to socialize with, if they put in the effort.

OK. It's certainly not my experience or my friends. I only know 2 only children besides myself though.

@Beezknees yes that could well be the case for some, it could also be the case for others that they wish for the reasons I've already stayed that they had a sibling. This is a circular argument as every case is different and nothing is clear cut.

@LaurieStrode 🙄 really not the point. Going round in circles here so going to bow out

The argument sibling vs only child is a completely different argument to the whole never feeling like you fit or have a proper home and family of being the child that doesn’t fully belong to either of their parents households though.

Of course, I agree every case is different. I still don't think it's worth the risk of forcing a step parent.

I agree completely

@LaurieStrode surely you can see that there are many many women who will struggle to live independently, they are not scum. I'm very very lucky in my situation. If I were on UC, unable to retrain, only able to work term time school hours jobs due to childcare then the idea of moving in with someone I trust and love may seem like the best option for my children. I see it all the time! New Bf has his own massive house, new gf moves kids in, it's great, that's not when the abuse starts! Its when that novelty wears off, or when the man's bio children start appearing.

Like so many things relating to families, the wellbeing of a child whose parents split up is less about the subsequent structure of the family and more about the emotional maturity of those parents to ensure a smooth transition where the child's needs are met.

There's a reason it took nearly 5 years to move my now DH into our family. I had to give things enough time for my DC to develop their own relationship with him, and he with them, and be sure moving him in was a good idea (I actually really liked being a single parent so wasn't sure for a long time). As a result we never had DC if our own, because by the time that was all sorted, we were at an age and stage of life where we didn't want to have sleepless nights and change nappies. I would have loved to have had a child with DH - and he's proven with his behaviour towards my DC that he's a fabulous father. He's stood on the side of a football pitch in the rain for hours, got up after 2 hours sleep after a night shift to take the DC somewhere, all uncomplainingly, just like any good dad. I think we underestimate how strong the biological urge can be when you're first in love (it's what keeps the species going after all) as I felt it in the early stages but fortunately had the sense not to give in to it because I knew it would complicate the transition for my DC and put huge pressure on a new relationship that was adjusting (especially as DH has no DC of his own).

However, we were older adults getting together. Had we been 10 years younger we probably would have had DC. And I'm pretty sure that because of the personalities involved it would have worked out just fine.

My DC have been fully welcomed by DH's family. There are a lot of DC in the family, some from second relationships too. Doesn't seem to matter a jot to anyone!

It's not the set up but the people who influence this.

Please stop with 'broken home' though. It's very loaded. For some families, broken is what everyone is when forced to stay together. Separation is the first step to fixing things.

I'm sorry you feel like this though. Your parents probably have their own narrative, maybe understandable (from their perspective), but for you it resulted in a childhood where you weren't made to feel wanted like you should have been.

Sadly I think this is happening with my dgd 5.

my ds is acting like a knob with her and her own mother isn’t much better, they point score of each other which is terrible, he’s just had child with his partner who has her own two. It’s clear she’s the odd one out, she has problems and behaviour issues but no excuse at all.

i try and have her as much as I can, my youngest is 13 but it’s very difficult, she is treated like she is my own dc here though.

my sons dad (dgd grandad)also has another young family of his own now and never sees her, ironically he’s made my ds and dd1 feel like this too so you’d think ds would think a bit.

but if the alternative was growing up an only child, it's not so clear cut is it?

God forbid anyone should be subjected to that terrible fate 🙄

Jesus there are some really dogmatic opinions on this thread. Blended families are not inherently bad, it just depends how it’s done. As long as everyone puts the kids first they can be wonderful and happy arrangements.

Yes I agree OP. People on here are very quick to say that the alternatives are unhappy parents or them being single during the rest of your childhood - but I think both of those are better choices as long as it's not abusive. My parents were never hugely happy together but I would have hated for them to split up. If they had though then I would have much preferred that they stayed single. I would also make these choices myself for my child (and have).

Adults like to say that it's better to split up as that is convenient to them. It's often not better at all for the children IMO.

I completely understand OP and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. It's sad but it seems (almost) whatever happens with step and blended families it can be difficult for one, more or all parties.

The thing is though most kids would just prefer not to have a blended family at all.

The older I am, the more aware I am of the enduring impact of being a step or half sibling has had on some of my adult friends and family. I don’t know if people re-live some of the childhood emotional stuff when they have their own children etc but I feel much more aware of some of the messed up dynamics than I ever did as a teenager when some of my friends’ parents were actively splitting.

I also really struggle to understand why so often new babies come into the equation so suddenly there are 4 plus kids, less time, less money, more complex lives in general. Obviously some people do manage to make it work but it doesn’t seem like an easy path.

Most children would prefer not to have their parents separate.

“Most kids would prefer”. That’s a scientific statement is it? You have insight into what most kids prefer? There’s already been one poster on this thread who’s said she’s incredibly grateful for her half siblings and wouldn’t have it any other way.
i know plenty of people who feel this way. To name just one example, My close friend was a single mum for ages, her son was desperate for her to find a partner and thrilled when she finally did and gave him siblings.

It’s how it’s done.

My parents had a miserable marriage; it was a toxic home environment . I was desperate for them to separate and utterly relieved when they did.

I feel you . Both my parents remarried and has more children. It was really hard as I felt like I was just the annoying kid who went to stay with a parent and step parent and I wished so bad i could just have a day with my own parents. Both of my step parents were crap however I have forged an amazing BOND with my step dad and he is incredible to my children now .
My husband has two children and I now have 2 with him. I try so hard so that all children are treated equally but I am sure it’s so hard for my step children seeing their dad live with his children who he shares with me full time and they only see him half the week. I adore my step children and love when they are here but am sure deep down it’s hard for them seeing dad having more children .

I think the problem is that you don't know it's not working until the children tell you - and if they dare, it's too late, things have already gone wrong in the way people describe here.

Your parents/step parents failed you. Making you feel second best.

No I don't fully agree with your title. I will add I have no half siblings but I have had 6 step siblings in my life.

I was 5 when my parents parted. I went with our mother who moved in with her OM immediately (and stayed with him for 35 years until her death) sister age 12 and brother age 2 remained with dad.

Result was dad.focused on our brother as he needed him the most. Sister went into huge rebellion mode. Mother hugely.guilty always prioritised brother and sister. Dad remarried 1st time. Step sister aka spoilt brat became number one attention she didn't even live there full time. Had to have her own room. Decorated just so. I slept in the dump room. Old coats smelly stuff. I can remember being scared in the room and the old sofa I slept on was itchy.

When my little brother came to mums I had to share everything including my room and he didn't in dad's home.

Dad divorced remarried 2 new step siblings. Sister now a grown up in her own home. Brother and 2 step siblings had their own rooms I did not belong there.. I was a welcome visitor. But never once slept there. Stepmum no 3 was lovely however after their divorce she cut contact with us.

I grew up never feeling I was important to either of my parents. I'm the middle child.

My maternal grandmother saw this and gave me a lot of her time. This caused resentment from cousins and aunts/uncles.

My step grandparents were amazing my youngest is named after him for her mn. My one place I had unconditional love was with people whom I shared no biological blod with.

Dad remarried for the last time after I had children myself and had moved to the UK. she had2 children herself and technically I guess I have 2 stepsiblings. I've never met them. They keep in contact with our dad. His wife died many years ago.

Sister and brother are close to dad. I'm not. How could I become? There was no room in his life for me as I was growing up.

Mum was so guilty she spend my childhood dismissing me as "I had her" and made a big deal out of the other two. She died 9 years ago. It's rare I miss her.

My MIL on the other hand. She passed 4 years ago and I think about her daily.

So no OP. Idont think it's always the eldest. In fact in my case I think the oldest got the best of everyone as she was so clear about her needs they gave it to her.

I also know of families where the oldest children are considered thr golden ones and the next set second best.

I think mixed families are a mine field and its hard to get right for everyone.