To think the first child always comes last in broken families?

[birdsinging]

My mum and dad split when I was 4 so I barely remember them being together but my dad met someone pretty soon after and she was really lovely to me, I had a room at my mums and at my dads and it was meant to be 50/50 type arrangement until my dad and step mum had another dd and I was asked to stay at my mums full time because they needed my room but I still visited and could stay on the sofa sometimes.

I'm still close to my step mum but it's nothing like the instinctive bond she has with her own daughter and since they've had their own dd it's like they are a real family and I'm not really part of that.

My mum remarried and had 2 daughters with my stepdad who I get on with but now he has daughters with him, his daughters are everything to him and it's obvious they are the real family and then there's me too.
I just feel a jealous that all my sisters live in a family home with both biological parents who will always put their own first.

I don't live at home now but my younger sisters all do but in each family home I'm the only person that isn't fully related to most of the family.
I don't think my parents or sisters will ever see how it feels to be the other child, my nan always said I was so lucky to have two families to love me but it's just two families where I've never been anyone's priority.
I've left home and I'm happy in life, I just feel my childhood was ruined because my parents had me first. Sorry to rant but it's Christmas and I am thinking about family and it's just upsetting.

Apologies I worded that wrong. No one has died yet but it turned out I was on for sweet fuck all in the end as no one had thought of this. I think they might have shared but how vile to make someone worry their whole lives that they’ll be left out in the cold and rely on the goodwill of half siblings. The will in question has been changed as far as I’m aware but I had to kick off massively. Not in a grabby way but I had to fight to stop feeling unequal.

'Perks' vs your parents living together with you all the time. I know what I'd prefer.

But your poor mental health will impact on your kids - however hard you try and manage it - it will.

How would you feel if someone said to you you shouldn’t have had kids because of your mental health? There are people who would say that. I don’t agree with them, but it is undeniably the equivalent of what you are saying to people on this thread.

I don't think it always happens. But yanbu to be upset at the way you were treated

Yes!
Nobody ‘needs’ to have children there are more than enough people in the world already.
You had your chance and it didn’t work out, so don’t try again at the expense of your existing child.

I don't think it's inevitable - as I can point to some families that from outside don't seem to do this- but then see so many that seem to fit this mould as well.

So sorry your feeling like this. Christmas has a habit of heightening our emotions. There are so many situations in life where you can feel like the odd one out. It can happen when your children get married then suddenly you are sharing them with another family. It can happen if your in - laws dont accept you as much as you would like so you feel like the spare wheel at DH family gatherings, even when accompanied by DH & own children, after all they are all closely related, the wife isn't.

I would try to accept you are loved and always will be. It's only the circumstances that have changed. Your feelings for both biological parents hasn't changed & neither has their feelings for you. Try to embrace the situation by taking the higher ground knowing this again although not ideal is just part of life. Nothing stays the same. 💐🎄

Hello .
I just wanted some advice on or not I’m being irrational .
I have a ds aged 2 . Since birth my parents have loved and treated my son . As all grandparents should . However my younger sister has fallen pregnant and she is around 30 weeks pregnant . She is still living with my parents . Since my son was around 5 months my parents have babysat every Friday so my partner and I can work without having to pay childcare . Since my sisters pregnancy started I have felt nothing but pushed out . My sister has a very nasty attitude problem due to new boyfriend and her boyfriend is a very nasty manipulative person . Since pregnancy we have all been pushed out , not allowed to scans , appointments or even allowed to buy her unborn baby anything . My parents have now said they cannot babysit my DS anymore as my sister is pregnant and is due soon . This was a bit annoying as they had him every Friday and feels they don’t want to babysit anymore as there is going to be a new baby . My partner and I have experienced nothing but vicious comments and nasty attitude from my sister , but my parents snap at me every time I mention anything to her . She has even been nasty towards my son . My parents do not want to address this problem as they said “ they don’t want to push her out “ . My parents were due to come fit my curtains for me as my partner and I have been extremely busy with work . However they have now said they cannot do it anymore as they are going to my sisters scan instead . So I am left without curtains and I have no clue how to do it and my partner is working most days . My parents and I are constantly arguing over this and the fact I feel pushed away .
what is everyone’s thoughts ? Am I being irrational? .

Yes, exactly this. Put your existing kids needs above your own wants. I'm a lone parent with 1 child.

I agree OP. I am forever grateful to my parents for not having children with their new spouses after divorcing each other. I don't understand this modern obsession with collecting children with every relationship, I can only assume it is to try to solidify the relationship, whatever happens to my husband and I we have had our children, our family is complete in that sense, I do not intend on having any more because it wouldn't be fair to them.

Or just use contraception? I've managed not to get pregnant by doing that.

Well said, @Fairyliz

Just because we "want" something, doesn't mean it is the right thing to do. Especially when offspring are affected.

The world doesn't need more damaged people.

😂

It's not a modern obsession.

I think you're right. I don't know a single blended family where at least one adult DC hasn't felt 'othered.' I know plenty of parents will argue I'm wrong but they aren't the child in the scenario.

I'm an only child and I won't be "alone" when my parents are gone. So melodramatic. I have other people in my life besides my parents, I have a child, friends, possibly grandchildren in the future. A sibling isn't the only person in your life!

So? I don't as I'm an only child. I don't care.

Dad guilt doesn’t fix nor changing having to watch him raise either someone else’s children full time or watch a half sibling get the life you so wished you had one family together again getting your dad 24/7.

It doesn’t change missing events, feeling like you don’t have a home you actually belong because there’s in jokes and stuff you miss, being shoved from your room into a smaller one or loosing it totally because your not there full time like X child.

One small thing some children get from Disney parents doesn’t change the rest. Also there’s just a lot of shit parents who are not remotely Disney either.

@Reugny were there a lot of blended step families with kids coming and going every other weekend with additional half siblings 50 ish years ago? Pretty sure stats would show a lot more people having multiple children with multiple people these days. And no it's not a moral judgement on my behalf, I really don't care what people get up to and I am genuinely glad women in particular are more empowered to leave bad relationships more easily these days, but having more children with new partners is at the whim of the parents and rarely beneficial to pre existing children, one look at the step family sub forum shows that.

Of course it's clear cut. Being an only child is fine, not some terrible experience. Stop being so silly.

They care.

Incidentally a few of the half-siblings I know were brought up as only children for a couple of reasons.

Who is "they?"

@Beezknees I'm not being silly or melodramatic, no need to get personal. I'm merely responding to other very strongly worded emotive posts.

It's melodramatic to say an only child will be alone after their parents die. As if they have no one else in their lives.

@Beezknees they will have no immediate family if they're single and no children though, like my sister would be if she didn't have me. As I keep saying, there's no one size fits all blanket position here.

A sibling isn't a guarantee of that though either. The sibling could pass away too.

My friends are my family, I'm closer to them than my own father.