Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the first child always comes last in broken families?

222 replies

birdsinging · 19/12/2023 12:28

My mum and dad split when I was 4 so I barely remember them being together but my dad met someone pretty soon after and she was really lovely to me, I had a room at my mums and at my dads and it was meant to be 50/50 type arrangement until my dad and step mum had another dd and I was asked to stay at my mums full time because they needed my room but I still visited and could stay on the sofa sometimes.

I'm still close to my step mum but it's nothing like the instinctive bond she has with her own daughter and since they've had their own dd it's like they are a real family and I'm not really part of that.

My mum remarried and had 2 daughters with my stepdad who I get on with but now he has daughters with him, his daughters are everything to him and it's obvious they are the real family and then there's me too.
I just feel a jealous that all my sisters live in a family home with both biological parents who will always put their own first.

I don't live at home now but my younger sisters all do but in each family home I'm the only person that isn't fully related to most of the family.
I don't think my parents or sisters will ever see how it feels to be the other child, my nan always said I was so lucky to have two families to love me but it's just two families where I've never been anyone's priority.
I've left home and I'm happy in life, I just feel my childhood was ruined because my parents had me first. Sorry to rant but it's Christmas and I am thinking about family and it's just upsetting.

OP posts:
Picklewicklepickle · 19/12/2023 17:22

The only child argument is weird, I would much prefer to be an only child than have half-siblings

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 19/12/2023 17:23

You are not wrong at all.

Ravenclaw101 · 19/12/2023 17:33

It’s not about the half / step siblings or how much you might love them. You can love them to the ends of the earth and still feel like you were second best in the eyes of sets of parents.

Tandora · 19/12/2023 17:36

Picklewicklepickle · 19/12/2023 17:22

The only child argument is weird, I would much prefer to be an only child than have half-siblings

Really? I can’t relate to that at all personally.

Shudacudawuda · 19/12/2023 17:54

@herewegoroundthebastardbush Obviously, as adults you get multiple chances at true love/a happy marriage. But a child only gets one shot at a family.

This resonates so much. I've been trying to get my Mum to understand this for years but she refuses to get it. I barely see her now, I can't be around her easily because of her refusal to accept certain things about our childhoods.

Ohnoooooooo · 19/12/2023 17:57

I am sorry you feel this way. I think the issue is more your parents didn’t do enough to make you feel an integral part of their families. I mean losing your room because of a new baby is terrible.

Rollonfriday22 · 19/12/2023 18:09

HairdryerMary · 19/12/2023 15:39

@Rollonfriday22 hold on! No one is saying that staying in a crap relationship is the right thing to do. I'm so so happy I left mine. My kids are far more stable, less on edge, happier, doing better in school.
I think being raised by a competent single parent is actually the ideal for the child.
However
I don't know one blended family that truly works. Personally. Your love for each other is represented in that child, that child is a perfect mixture of both of your genes. When you take the love out of it, what remains is a child. A child who cannot compete with the child which represents all the things you love about your new husband or wife.
Add more complexities around race and culture. It's a good recipe for low self esteem. Add both parents arguing over who's turn it is, how much money you pay eachother, how much annual leave or sick days each of you are taking. None of us need to overhear that but we do. And it stays with you.
I love my stepdad but his family isn't my family. I'm like a ghost in the room. I don't know the stories, the traditions, the jokes. I don't know how to act or what to say. I'm like a toucan in a room of doves.

I’m not here to argue the toss. My opinion is that I don’t ever want my children to feel the way OP does and it would take an awful lot for me to put them in that situation. That’s just how I feel.

Jumpingoffthefence · 19/12/2023 18:10

Aa the eldest I totally hear you, there is always a sense of difference whatever the dynamic. As an elder child you’re expected to get on with whatever comes next. Even with full siblings this has played out in my family more so than with the halves and step kids.

Hubblebubble · 19/12/2023 18:17

This is one of the many many reasons I'm only having one and my DC will never ever have a step parent. I mean, it's mostly to prevent abuse, but id also hate the idea of them constantly playing second fiddle to younger half siblings.

Hubblebubble · 19/12/2023 18:34

@helplesshopeless there's lots of benefits to being an only child, it's not all doom and gloom! All resources and attention go to one child, rather than being stretched across many.

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 18:43

Tandora · 19/12/2023 16:54

“Most kids would prefer”. That’s a scientific statement is it? You have insight into what most kids prefer? There’s already been one poster on this thread who’s said she’s incredibly grateful for her half siblings and wouldn’t have it any other way.
i know plenty of people who feel this way. To name just one example, My close friend was a single mum for ages, her son was desperate for her to find a partner and thrilled when she finally did and gave him siblings.

It’s how it’s done.

Show quote history

One poster and a couple of people you know is hardly a lot. Are you ignoring most of the people here who have described their negative experiences?

I'd be willing to put money on if you asked every child with a stepfamily how they honestly feel about it, most of them would say they don't like it.

theconfidenceofwho · 19/12/2023 18:43

YaWeeFurryBastard · 19/12/2023 12:47

Really sorry to hear this, unfortunately I don’t think it’s uncommon. I think that’s why there’s often strong reaction to step parents on here as many people can see that it’s often very detrimental to the existing children and wish the adults would put their needs first.

This!

Beezknees · 19/12/2023 18:44

Granthams · 19/12/2023 16:52

Most children would prefer not to have their parents separate.

Show quote history

Which is why you should be even more careful as to how you handle it afterwards. Don't disrupt your kids lives even further.

cadburyegg · 19/12/2023 18:47

YANBU. Sorry you feel like this.

I hate the term "broken families" but you agree with everything else you've said. I've been a single parent for 3 years. People are always asking when I'm going to meet someone else and have more dc! I have 2 dc who are more than enough for me. I have only casually dated. Eventually I hope to have a serious relationship again but I don't plan on moving another man into my house and especially not up for having more dc. I can't control what my ex does but I always want my dc to know that they come first. I don't understand why people feel that they have to move a new partner in

EmpressaurusOfCats · 19/12/2023 18:57

Jasmine2502 · 19/12/2023 16:05

Hello .
I just wanted some advice on or not I’m being irrational .
I have a ds aged 2 . Since birth my parents have loved and treated my son . As all grandparents should . However my younger sister has fallen pregnant and she is around 30 weeks pregnant . She is still living with my parents . Since my son was around 5 months my parents have babysat every Friday so my partner and I can work without having to pay childcare . Since my sisters pregnancy started I have felt nothing but pushed out . My sister has a very nasty attitude problem due to new boyfriend and her boyfriend is a very nasty manipulative person . Since pregnancy we have all been pushed out , not allowed to scans , appointments or even allowed to buy her unborn baby anything . My parents have now said they cannot babysit my DS anymore as my sister is pregnant and is due soon . This was a bit annoying as they had him every Friday and feels they don’t want to babysit anymore as there is going to be a new baby . My partner and I have experienced nothing but vicious comments and nasty attitude from my sister , but my parents snap at me every time I mention anything to her . She has even been nasty towards my son . My parents do not want to address this problem as they said “ they don’t want to push her out “ . My parents were due to come fit my curtains for me as my partner and I have been extremely busy with work . However they have now said they cannot do it anymore as they are going to my sisters scan instead . So I am left without curtains and I have no clue how to do it and my partner is working most days . My parents and I are constantly arguing over this and the fact I feel pushed away .
what is everyone’s thoughts ? Am I being irrational? .

Edited

@Jasmine2502 you’re more likely to get replies if you start your own thread.

Nevermind31 · 19/12/2023 19:21

Would it be easier if time wasn’t split 50/50?
that way it would be less time with one parent, but maybe more of a sense of belonging? Is 50/50 maybe not the holy grail?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 19/12/2023 19:38

theduchessofspork · 19/12/2023 16:00

But your poor mental health will impact on your kids - however hard you try and manage it - it will.

How would you feel if someone said to you you shouldn’t have had kids because of your mental health? There are people who would say that. I don’t agree with them, but it is undeniably the equivalent of what you are saying to people on this thread.

Show quote history

I'd say they were absolutely right. I shouldn't have. In my defence I didn't appreciate how fragile I was until I had kids, and my MH has worsened significantly since my mother's suicide 5 years ago (she died after I had my first child). But if I could remove my influence from their life without hurting them worse, I would. As it is I am the only mum they've got and it would be worse for them to be abandoned on balance.

HairdryerMary · 19/12/2023 20:25

Life would be better for most single mums if we didn't put such messed up expectations on them to date or meet someone after their relationships broke up. No one ever asks me about how my work is going, what I'm interested in, what I'm doing to my house to make it nicer, it's all bloody dating stories and cooing noises that I haven't found someone. The looks of pity when I say I'm going away on my own with the kids again or spending New Years with them. I want to spend time with my kids, they're bloody brilliant. I've been in a relationship, it was shit. Being in a relationship doesn't make you a more successful human.

Allthingsdecember · 19/12/2023 20:32

Granthams · 19/12/2023 12:30

It’s not ideal for you, but what would have been? Your parents staying together unhappily, or them both remaining single forever?

They could have split up but chosen to prioritise their existing child and not have any more children? That’s what my parents did and I’m incredibly grateful for it.

OP, I’m sorry this was your experience. I remember being terrified my parents would decide to have more children after they split.

It’s an incredibly tough situation for everyone and I also really feel for divorced parents that want more children (and some people do seem to have younger half siblings with no ill effects), but it’s not a risk I’d take if I ever split with my DH for the exact reasons you’ve listed.

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/12/2023 06:25

One thing I would say is , my ex left me and dd1 for ow and had another child two years later ! I wanted another child and it would have been another part of my life that he and ow destroyed if I hadn’t had another one.

Undineimmor · 20/12/2023 06:30

Sorry that really sucks. No the eldest is not always treated differently though.

GingerLiberalFeminist · 20/12/2023 08:14

Its horrible, my parents have been divorced fo 25 years and I feel it every Christmas. My "D"SM barely tolerates my DB and I, let alone my SS.

But most of the time I accept it now. I don't bother to keep in touch other than with my biological parents. I don't buy them presents just vouchers. Why try and pretend a relationship exists when it doesn't?

I have my own friends and DH as my family. That's what I try and focus on.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 20/12/2023 09:45

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/12/2023 06:25

One thing I would say is , my ex left me and dd1 for ow and had another child two years later ! I wanted another child and it would have been another part of my life that he and ow destroyed if I hadn’t had another one.

Yes but it's not about you, is it?

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/12/2023 10:49

@herewegoroundthebastardbush , so he was to destroy my life , without a care , and I was too stay alone ?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 20/12/2023 11:05

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/12/2023 10:49

@herewegoroundthebastardbush , so he was to destroy my life , without a care , and I was too stay alone ?

He was clearly a shit person. You, not being one, would prioritise your daughter. Do you think it was the best thing for her, to have an unrelated man in her home, and a baby half-sibling take your attention from her, a baby sibling she had to watch grow up with her mum all the time when she only got you some of the time, as well as watching her dad have a new family with a new woman?

"He did it so why don't I get to as well" is the argument of an immature child imo.

You don't have to 'be alone' (melodramatic much). You could still date and have relationships while preserving your daughter's safe space, and keeping her as your priority to make up for her crappy dad.