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Original poster

To think the first child always comes last in broken families?

222 replies

birdsinging · 19/12/2023 12:28

My mum and dad split when I was 4 so I barely remember them being together but my dad met someone pretty soon after and she was really lovely to me, I had a room at my mums and at my dads and it was meant to be 50/50 type arrangement until my dad and step mum had another dd and I was asked to stay at my mums full time because they needed my room but I still visited and could stay on the sofa sometimes.

I'm still close to my step mum but it's nothing like the instinctive bond she has with her own daughter and since they've had their own dd it's like they are a real family and I'm not really part of that.

My mum remarried and had 2 daughters with my stepdad who I get on with but now he has daughters with him, his daughters are everything to him and it's obvious they are the real family and then there's me too.
I just feel a jealous that all my sisters live in a family home with both biological parents who will always put their own first.

I don't live at home now but my younger sisters all do but in each family home I'm the only person that isn't fully related to most of the family.
I don't think my parents or sisters will ever see how it feels to be the other child, my nan always said I was so lucky to have two families to love me but it's just two families where I've never been anyone's priority.
I've left home and I'm happy in life, I just feel my childhood was ruined because my parents had me first. Sorry to rant but it's Christmas and I am thinking about family and it's just upsetting.

OP posts:
Toomanysquishmallows · 20/12/2023 11:07

@herewegoroundthebastardbush , she didn’t see her Dad with the other child , he stopped seeing when she was 5. She has never met them , he has had no contact with her in nearly 20 years.

Butchyrestingface · 20/12/2023 11:16

Really? So if someone has one child and the relationship doesn’t work out they shouldn’t have another child with someone else? They should just stick to one child? This isn’t my situation btw so just asking out of curiosity

If you can’t meet the basic needs of the kid(s) you already have (ie, provide them with a BED), then no, you shouldn’t be having more.

Hubblebubble · 20/12/2023 11:25

@Toomanysquishmallows what safeguarding measures have you put in place for her? Having an unrelated man in her home? And what about her emotional wellbeing too?

Beezknees · 20/12/2023 11:34

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/12/2023 10:49

@herewegoroundthebastardbush , so he was to destroy my life , without a care , and I was too stay alone ?

It's not about you. It's about protecting your child. Stop making it all about you.

There's nothing wrong with being single anyway. But you can also date without bringing them around your child.

OhmygodDont · 20/12/2023 11:37

And here we have the but but but me me me of an adult who put their needs above their child’s.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 20/12/2023 12:28

Toomanysquishmallows · 20/12/2023 11:07

@herewegoroundthebastardbush , she didn’t see her Dad with the other child , he stopped seeing when she was 5. She has never met them , he has had no contact with her in nearly 20 years.

All the more reason for her to be your number one priority, rather than you fulfilling your dreams by creating a 'new family' she will never be a full part of.

Sartre · 20/12/2023 12:30

I’d say it’s more because you were their only child, you may not feel this disconnect as much if you had ‘full’ siblings as well.

Ingibjörg · 20/12/2023 12:33

This isn’t always the case. I’m not saying this to minimise your experience at all. But adults can do better. I’ve got two DC from my first marriage and 2 DC from my second. All 4, along with me and DH are one, proper family. My older DC have said various things over the years that make it clear they feel this way too. And there’s a stark contrast with my ex-H’s family, where they were pushed out when the new children came along, just as you were with losing bedrooms etc.

it is very sad, and I’m sorry you experienced the rejection form both parents.

Alexandra1991 · 20/12/2023 16:06

This makes me so sad for my DD, having recently broke up with DP. Definitely something I need to be aware of, although I cannot see myself having more children I'm sure my ex will.

Kerri44 · 21/12/2023 18:01

I met my husband, he had kids, I didn't, was I meant to give up being a Mum??

My stepchildren didn't need me to a Mum to them, they have a Mum....I've always been an extra adult to love and support them

My husbands ex had an affair with the neighbour so he didn't leave his family

Howbizarre22 · 21/12/2023 18:07

Sending love & hugs. I’m sorry you went through this. Your dad was in the wrong totally here- that was your bedroom & he should have stood his ground not let his partner move you out if it. You could have shared with bunk beds. I’m happy to hear you have carved a happy adult life for yourself. Have a lovely Christmas xxx

NancyJoan · 21/12/2023 18:11

India Knights book, My Life On A Plate, is a very funny but also sad fiction which includes this situation. The character has two younger sisters, whose parents just adore them, and are very much the proper family. Always made me feel very very sad.

Theroofisonfiyah · 21/12/2023 18:57

I'm the mother in this situation, my eldest is 20, I broke up with his dad pretty early on, and have been with my husband since he was 3. I am very aware that his childhood was very different to my now 10 and 12 year old. For one, they come as a pair, they are the best of friends. His dad has popped out kids with several women since, and is a waste of space. He is also very much the first pancake, I have learned a lot as he's got older, and unfortunately there are things now that I regret, and I will do differently with the other 2 (we were too strict, which has meant that he want off the rails from the age of about 17 until recently). BUT I adore that boy, and he knows it, I have refused to stop believing in him, and if anything, in the past few years, I have over loved him, to the point of stalking.

What I'm saying is, as the parents in these situations, please don't think that you are an afterthought, or any less loved, because for me, my son is my first lesson at love. If I could have the choice, I'd go back, and they'd all have the same dad, but I can't, and it's a source of enormous guilt for me. I'm sorry you feel the way you do, because if my son feels this way, I will feel I've failed x

OhmygodDont · 21/12/2023 19:04

Just because you’ve now learnt doesn’t fix nor change how his childhood was though. That’s the point.

Parents put themselves first when it comes to creating second / third / fourth families and each set of children from all but the last successful family will majority feel like they don’t fit or belong. Some will never ever tell you this, others will, and a minority few feel ok with it an enjoy it.

My parents think everything is awesome. It’s not never was. Every child of a blended family I know in person has issues and hates being blended. The only place I’ve ever seen happy step/half sibling families is Mumsnet tbh and that’s mostly from the adults perspective of their currently blended families.

Even my dh who isn’t from a blended family got the snip so if we separated it’s going to cost a lot for him to have a new family and he states he doesn’t want his children to have half or step siblings if we split and I’ve stated the same. I don’t want it because I lived it.

Reugny · 21/12/2023 19:16

@OhmygodDont I cone from a blended family and am happy with it.

However it is because the women in did lots of the work to ensure we didn't feel like shit. This is the same with others I know where the children get on.

So situations like the OP didn't have a bed would never happen.

Vonesk · 21/12/2023 19:27

I've experienced this, but as ' the parent' .
Believe me, it might look like all playing happy families but you have to put on a positive front.
It's all hard work!!!!
There was tension in my situation and when the TWO older girls started acting up ( the First TWO). It sort of all blew up.. till the next DRAMA.
Eventually none of it worked and all separated.
There is plenty remorse now , as I look back, about how the first TWO experienced life. I cannot put the clock back but we all experienced lots of DRAMAS which I believe could have required Counselling as a family. It was a case of mother tolerating fathers moods and biting her lip but could not continue for ever doing that.
I still ache inside about how it was for the first two going backwards and forwards to different houses. It's really hit me lately. And realise maybe the others had more a easy ride .

ploikj · 21/12/2023 19:30

@Reugny only the women? Same sex couples?

FriedasCarLoad · 21/12/2023 19:40

I saw this so many times when I was a teacher. Divorce almost always hurt the children deeply. And blended families or stepchildren made the wound deeper.

Marriage vows are meant to be kept. And children's welfare, best secured by being in a stable family unit, should be prioritised above adult romantic desires.

DragonFly98 · 21/12/2023 20:09

Granthams · 19/12/2023 12:30

It’s not ideal for you, but what would have been? Your parents staying together unhappily, or them both remaining single forever?

Yes when you have children you put them first and you stay married. Nobody has a human right to happiness, you work on the marriage you chose. Your dc didn't not choose to be born.

Crikeycroc · 21/12/2023 20:32

My mum justifies her decision to re-partner and quickly have more children as wanting to give me a ‘proper family’. I think she’s lying to herself and was only meeting her own emotional needs.
It’s complicated though as I don’t resent my half siblings and am very close with one of them as an adult but it was very detrimental to my mental health and development growing up in a family where I was a a second class citizen. I could always tell mum was more reluctant to spend money on me and my stepfather was huffy about any attention or resources I took up. It is so hard to grow up with the constant surveillance and disapproval of an adult who does not allow you the same grace as a biological parent usually would.
I do believe that I would probably have avoided the depression and anxiety that plagued my early adulthood and derailed me attempts to study and pursue a career if my mum had just remained a single parent. My self esteem was so shot by the time I left home at 18 that I went through such a deep depression that a psychologist explained to me as grief for the childhood I did not have.

Resilience · 21/12/2023 20:38

Putting children first definitely does not mean always staying married @DragonFly98!

Having seen the damage it can do I am definitely of the opinion that often separation is the best option. It's what happens after that which is really important.

Lotus3 · 21/12/2023 21:06

Another point of view... My partner's daughter from his first marriage gets EVERYTHING in our world. Her cat gets sick? He drives 4 hours to visit. Ex-wife wants child in private school? That gets paid for. Any club/clothes/toys she wants, she gets.

My son hasn't had anywhere near the amount of money from his Dad- not even close- and significantly less love and care (my son was a surprise early in the relationship). I fill in the blank the best I can, but its taken me years to get over the fact that "First Wife and Child" will always get special treatment and we get the dregs.

ploikj · 21/12/2023 21:09

@Lotus3 if she's 4 hours away from her dad she's not doing that well. Why are you with him if he only gives you and your son "dregs"?

Lotus3 · 21/12/2023 21:31

Ex wife chose to move child that far away. Used to be up the road. Ex wife never makes the drive to us and partner doesn't make her.

Why am I with him? Because I love him, unfortunately for me. Is what it is. Just saying, not always a case of first child comes last.

ploikj · 21/12/2023 21:35

@Lotus3 point is it's still shit for the eldest child whoever's fault it is. And great...so your youngest child is treated like shit too, wonderful, but you love your husband so tough shit for him I guess?

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