To think the first child always comes last in broken families?

[birdsinging]

My mum and dad split when I was 4 so I barely remember them being together but my dad met someone pretty soon after and she was really lovely to me, I had a room at my mums and at my dads and it was meant to be 50/50 type arrangement until my dad and step mum had another dd and I was asked to stay at my mums full time because they needed my room but I still visited and could stay on the sofa sometimes.

I'm still close to my step mum but it's nothing like the instinctive bond she has with her own daughter and since they've had their own dd it's like they are a real family and I'm not really part of that.

My mum remarried and had 2 daughters with my stepdad who I get on with but now he has daughters with him, his daughters are everything to him and it's obvious they are the real family and then there's me too.
I just feel a jealous that all my sisters live in a family home with both biological parents who will always put their own first.

I don't live at home now but my younger sisters all do but in each family home I'm the only person that isn't fully related to most of the family.
I don't think my parents or sisters will ever see how it feels to be the other child, my nan always said I was so lucky to have two families to love me but it's just two families where I've never been anyone's priority.
I've left home and I'm happy in life, I just feel my childhood was ruined because my parents had me first. Sorry to rant but it's Christmas and I am thinking about family and it's just upsetting.

Sadly this is all too common.

I really understand where you’re coming from OP and it must be really hard for you. It’s one of a few reasons why me and my DP have decided not to have a child together - my DS calls him dad anyway but knows he isn’t his “real” dad. Complicated further by the fact I adopted DS with my ex who no longer sees him, so I’d hate to have a child with my DP and have my DS feel pushed out for not being biologically related as well. For other reasons I wouldn’t adopt again either, so DS will be my one and only and I’m thrilled about that!

I am the oldest sibling in a blended family - I am really glad I have (step) siblings that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I do feel a bit of an outsider sometimes as I no longer have my Mum (she died after they divorced) and my step mum (although lovely) definitely favours her biological children. I have no half siblings though; kind of wish I did as we’d have a blood connection. And yes, I know that isn’t everything.
I am also a step mum with grown up step children and we did have two more children. All the children get on well and I truly believe we are lucky to have each other and have worked hard at putting all of them first throughout the years. Reading this thread I wonder how my step children really felt about it all and think maybe I was selfish to want my own biological children, but will never regret them. Hindsight is a wonderful thing! They do obviously love their younger (half) siblings though. It maybe helps that they were older teenagers when the younger children came along. They have both lived with us and always had their own rooms. They both now have wonderful partners and happy lives. I honestly believe I wouldn’t look to have another partner for a very long time if their father and I parted ways and I’d be too old for more children. For the most part we have to try and forgive our parents for their mistakes and work at being better for our own children. If I knew then what I do now, I probably wouldn’t choose a man with children, even though I think we are in a pretty successful blended family.

I completely disagree - I am so glad my step siblings came into my life. I never liked being an only child. We all get on really well as do all our children.

My ex was abusive, staying with him would absolutely not have been the right thing to do. I would never again live with a partner or have more kids though.

I see both sides to things. I have a younger "half" sister and 2 more full siblings. We are all incredibly close and I have honestly never thought of her as half of anything. Her dad was involved and my dad was not. My mum was amazing though and despite her many faults, we always felt loved equally. I could not imagine my life without my little sister.

I now have 2 teenage boys. Their dad is not in their life. I have a long term partner who also has 2 children but I have told him that I won't live together until my boys are grown up. Our kids get along great, he has his 50/50 but I always felt like the juggling of step family's would be to much for me to manage successfully.

My children's dad did a lot of damage and I feel like I have needed to invest my energy in boosting them up and making sure their emotional wellbeing was my priority. Thankfully they are now pretty well adjusted, happy kids and I feel like it is paying off.

So I don't necessarily think blended family's are bad but I do think it is very hard to do well.

I have a couple friends it worked...but thinking about it, its completely different scenario then most blended families reading this thread.

1. The "step" parent officially adopted them.
2. Theyve never had 2 homes, they live 100% in one home and have no contact with parent who abandoned them and well are adopted.

Definitely not uncommon. My father and his ‘real’ family made it very clear I was a sideshow. Never included in holidays, he never came to concerts, parents evening etc, no place for me in his home. I slept in a sleeping bag on the living room floor when I stayed there. We haven’t spoken in 10+ years, quelle surprise…

My cousin’s dh left her with 2 young dc who he rarely saw in favour of his new family.
20 years later his firstborn ds gets into Oxford uni and does amazingly well in his career and his df is all over him like a rash.
What a knob!

We were adults when df left my dm and took on 2 sc that we’re 10 and 8.
Df told my dm that he preferred the dc of the woman he loved!
He’s elderly now and his preferred dsc don’t bother with him and surprise, surprise df thinks his biological dc should look after him!
It’s nearly always men that are the problem!

I lived 100% of the time with my M and SF (due to parental alienation, but that's another story). At one point I didn't have a bedroom of my own. Instead I slept on a pullout sofa bed in my younger half siblings playroom. That's what it was called and it was full of their stuff. I was very much just suffered to exist there. Now NC with all except the younger half sib.

I actually don't know any same sex couples who are have children and split up. Simply as the ones I know with kids are still together.

@Reugny so did the men do fuck all then?

@Reugny I know a same sex female couple who had kids and split up. Neither want to have anymore children.
I would go so far as to say that blended family's where they go on to have further children are unique to straight relationships.
I don't know why that is though.
A lot of men like to claim women by impregnating them.

This is interesting. How old was your son when you and his dad separated? Could your new partner not adopt your son, since your ex no longer sees him? If your son is adopted what does “real dad” signify for him?

I agree op. When I had my DC I decided that no matter what I wouldn't inflict a blended family on them. I remember the utter misery from mine and my friends childhoods when they were forced to live with other people and their children or new half siblings.

I there's no way I would ever move a man into their home. Why would I be so selfish? They come first above me.

Your nan is right you had two families who loved you. You might not have had your parents together but you got two lots of Christmases, two lots of birthday. Where as your sisters got one. Ds is in your position he recognises that he has two sets of families, who both love him and is lucky. I got pregnant young when ex said he was infertile, he cheated and left me with a baby, was i suppose to be stay single and never have any other children?

Yes when you have children you put them first and you stay married. Nobody has a human right to happiness, you work on the marriage you chose. Your dc didn't not choose to be born.

My dad was physically abusive to both my mum and I. He lost his job when I was young and my mum worked 60 hours a week. He did the school runs but that was it, I never saw him do any housework or cooking. Sadly my mum thought the same as you, that staying together would be "better for me". It wasn't. I had a very warped view of what constituted a healthy relationship for a long time. It was very damaging and contributed to me picking the "wrong man" for my children. It's only now in my mid 30s I can recognise a non toxic relationship, and it fills me with envy because I never witnessed one at home or experience one myself. I didn't want the cycle to continue for my own children. "Staying married" is not always putting the children first, in fact it's often putting yourself first. I knew my ex and I would split eventually so I thought the younger the kids were the better - I've seen the emotional fallout from when couples have split when their kids were teens. They were 5 and 2, my youngest doesn't even remember us being together. It's harder for me, but it's better for them.

@birdsinging I am that child and yes you are right

There is (or was) a strong expectation that I would help support all the younger ones (half siblings on both sides). I kicked back in my late 20’s when financial demands started.

I am now free of all obligations and now focus only on my family and my really lovely in-laws.

God if there was a bingo card for ", clueless parents trying to justify their selfish choices" that would tick pretty much every box.

So true sadly @herewegoroundthebastardbush

OP your experience was precisely why I made the decision to remain single post divorce. My xh has moved in with more than one woman over the years and DD has been sidelined by younger 'step siblings'. One parent fucking her up has been quite enough. She's now a young adult and I do not regret my choices at all; she hates her father and how he has treated her and prioritised other people's children over her and the women who supported him in doing so.

I 100% get you. I don't have a bad relationship with any of my parents or step parents. They're all kind to me but I'm no ones priority. The only one who would have understood and been totally 'mine', would have been my full biological sister but she died as a baby so I have a load of half brothers instead who were always prioritised over me.

I have to say that when my dad's wife died (stepmum), me and my brothers from that marriage then became equal. She'd always made things more in her sons favour and now my dad treats us totally equally and so does his new wife.

I completely had this in my head when choosing who to marry and have kids with as I knew it would only ever be one marriage for me. I never ever wanted my kids to have the same that I had. I know things can go wrong but I never want them to have step or half siblings. They are full siblings to each other and are always mine and my husband's full priority.