Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some romance scam victims are simply stupid?

531 replies

TheAverageJoanne · 19/12/2023 10:38

At home today and have the TV on with For Love or Money about romance fraud. One victim is an international business development manager but gave £113000 to scammers, persuading her mother and sister to part with their savings

How far the love of Christ would you trust someone with a responsible job when they do this sort of thing and judgement flies out of the window?

I get there are people who are lonely and vulnerable but this one took me by total surprise. How could she have been so stupid? She received an email while waiting for him at the airport, showed it to airport staff who confirmed it was fake but still sent another £30000 to prevent airport staff at the other side from killing him. Jesus Christ.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
14
IClaudine · 19/12/2023 13:58

I don't think they are necessarily stupid, but they are often vulnerable in some way.

Lifeomars · 19/12/2023 13:58

CoatOfArms · 19/12/2023 11:33

I have to say as well that you see it on here all the time. How often do MN have to post the warning about never sending money to randomers online? But all it takes is for a new poster to pop up saying they are down to their last 50p, the gas meter is running out and they have no formula for the triplets and posters are falling over themselves to offer money and shopping deliveries.

The money involved in romance scamming is usually more but it's the same basic premise.

I mean, it's very basic really. Never send money to anyone you have not met in person and know and trust. No exceptions.

There's somone like that on my local NextDoor site, only ever posts to ask for food, clothing for her kids, furniture, money for the gas top up and household stuff. I felt sorry for her at first, never gave anything though it did tug at my heartstrings at first. Been going on for over two years now so it must work

thisisntfair · 19/12/2023 14:01

Yeah, I'm not really happy that, via my bank, I am helping to subside predatory 65 year old Joe Bloggs trying to get his end away with a 19 year old in Thailand.

In fact, the bank encourages this behaviour because they are providing the safety net!

Silverbirchtwo · 19/12/2023 14:02

They groom their victims, they don't immediately say give me £50,000 pounds, initially it's all lovey dovey then they have a little problem and could you lend a small amount, if you do they know they are in, if you say run away they move on. The next time they need to borrow a little bit more then a little bit more. Suddenly you have invested quite a bit of money in this charming loving person and you have to convince yourself it's all for love or admit you've been a fool and lost the money. You just get gradually sucked in. I can easily see how lonely people get into these things and find it really hard to believe it's all been a con.

IClaudine · 19/12/2023 14:04

You even see people here on MN falling for begging threads, which always surprises me.

BarmyFotheringay · 19/12/2023 14:04

This is now really big business. Watch this BBC programme. The 'scammers' are now victims themselves.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001jw0s
Absoutely horrific.

BBC News - Eye Investigations, The Pig Butchering Romance Scam

Investigation into a brutal scam involving modern-day slaves and victims around the world.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001jw0s

WhatsTheUseOfWorrying · 19/12/2023 14:08

There are scams and scams. We could all be the victims of some fraud or other. It depends how it’s done, what information the fraudster has, who they are, and so on.

Internet romance and wealth scams - the out of the blue sort - do, though, rely on vanity and greed. I do not feel sorry for men who lose money to ‘Ukrainian lovelies’ or women who do the same for ‘Jason Statham’ (Barry Gibb? WTF?) or those who send money to release $15m from the US Lottery Settlement Account.

sirri · 19/12/2023 14:12

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 19/12/2023 13:52

There was a programme on R4 (IIRC) about a daughter trying to get the law changed on dementia sufferers being allowed to marry. Her mother had been targeted by a man, they married, he distanced her from her family, and when she subsequently died, he bagged the entire estate. Nothing they could do. It was dreadful to listen to.

I remember that. There was quite an age difference too wasn't there. I felt terrible for them as they were powerless to prevent it, though they did try.

sirri · 19/12/2023 14:13

@WhatsTheUseOfWorrying I laughed about Barry Gibb too 😀

Ortila · 19/12/2023 14:15

@BarmyFotheringay I agree it's horrifying - for people at both ends of the scam.

Banks have made it easy to transfer money which is nice for legitimate retailers and service providers but it's also nice for murderers, warlords, and plunderers and thanks to global financial networks and global communication networks they are applying their time honoured techniques of compelled industry through trafficking, exploitation and extortion on a scale and breadth not previously seen.

I haven't seen that particular documentary; looks interesting. BBC3 does some good work on these kinds of issues imo.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/12/2023 14:15

thisisntfair · 19/12/2023 14:01

Yeah, I'm not really happy that, via my bank, I am helping to subside predatory 65 year old Joe Bloggs trying to get his end away with a 19 year old in Thailand.

In fact, the bank encourages this behaviour because they are providing the safety net!

I agree. And furthermore I've been hearing ads on the radio for companies set up to "recover" what people have been scammed out of. It goes unsaid that it will be recovered from the victims bank, not from the scammer, and the company which chases it will take a large cut of what is recovered.

Hereforaglance · 19/12/2023 14:16

Yeah i dont get it you wouldn't gove ur life savings to some random person down the pub who says i love you n goves u a sob story so why gove it to some person u never met n only sent a few text messages to then cry the victim u eother more money then sense or darwin just not round to u yet

RedToothBrush · 19/12/2023 14:16

Theres definitely an ego thing going on:

Why is this gorgeous 20 something year old hanging off the everyword of me who is fat and 50?

Hmm yes. Why is that?

dudsville · 19/12/2023 14:19

Jf20 · 19/12/2023 13:32

Do you think there is nothing predatory about an older woman, from an affluent country, getting with a man who is much younger from a poor country, and needs a visa or money? That there is nothing predatory about the young women who extort these older men? Just like the young men do to the older women? They are also saying you’re handsome, gorgeous, the sex is the best, you’re so special. After the initial introductions, it’s the same shit. Same lines. Just some go to real extremes.

Show quote history

Yes, them too, and all the other predatory types!

CranfordScones · 19/12/2023 14:26

Emotionally vulnerable people are more exploitable. People who are lonely, or have lost a pet/job/relative, in debt, unemployed, unwell etc are more likely to fall for scams. That's been well studied.

And, yes, some people are just more naturally credulous than others.

But that doesn't make them any less of a victim! Blaming them for their "own stupidity" is surely the same line of logic which holds that a woman wearing a short skirt "is just asking for it". The cause of people being scammed is scammers.

BoredofBlonde · 19/12/2023 14:31

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/12/2023 10:53

My husband thinks I'm gorgeous and lovable and I think the same of him. If it's narcissistic then it's working for us.

Show quote history

Yes, because THAT is the point of the thread 🙄ffs

2jacqi · 19/12/2023 14:32

@TheAverageJoanne i personally think they are all stupid idiots!!! how they managed to get through life while being so stupid is beyond me!!! they deserve to lose their money if they cannot look after it!!

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 19/12/2023 14:33

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/12/2023 10:50

Being successful professionally doesn't translate to having no weaknesses. In fact, very successful people often are romantically weak because their job takes so much out of them. We've all been stupid over something.

You only have to look at the number of women on here in completely shit awful relationships but insisting he's lovely really and a great dad and they've made it sound worse than it is to see how hard it can be to take your heart back when you realise you've been a fool. These women are going to sacrifice their lives and their children on the altar of the fantasy that sustains their sense of self...makes a few grand look quite piddling, really.

It's very frustrating though, for sure. If only more people would realise that it's never too late to cut your losses.

I don’t think thats the same at all.

If you have married someone , had kids with them, give up your career to promote their etc you have a lot invested. Plus there is a whole culture telling you that your kids need their dad and it’s every woman’s dream to be married.

It’s very hard ( of not impossible ) walk out of you have young kids and not enough money to keep a roof over their heads.

Its not the same as accepting that you are actually in a relationship with Brad Pitt and you need to stop sending him cash.

WhatsTheUseOfWorrying · 19/12/2023 14:34

CranfordScones · 19/12/2023 14:26

Emotionally vulnerable people are more exploitable. People who are lonely, or have lost a pet/job/relative, in debt, unemployed, unwell etc are more likely to fall for scams. That's been well studied.

And, yes, some people are just more naturally credulous than others.

But that doesn't make them any less of a victim! Blaming them for their "own stupidity" is surely the same line of logic which holds that a woman wearing a short skirt "is just asking for it". The cause of people being scammed is scammers.

Victims who want millions of dollars from a ‘hush hush’ scheme to move fortunes around or men and women who send money to besotted lovers they’d never heard of have absolutely nothing in common with women being sexually assaulted because they wear short skirts.

It’s not victim blaming to say that people shouldn’t believe ludicrous stories.

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:35

There are genuinely vulnerable people but I’m sick of hearing that a middle aged woman who is single is “vulnerable” and “lonely”. Being single doesn’t and shouldn’t mean lonely. The woman OP refers to had a great career, close family and an active social life. Plenty of people are married but extremely lonely because they have none of those things. It’s nearly 2024. We should have evolved past this thinking and financially, academically and socially successful women should have enough self esteem to not fall for a very over the top, completely unrealistic romantic fantasy. Especially when people they have known and loved for decades are telling them again and again that it’s a scam. There absolutely is an element of wilful cognitive dissonance going on.

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/12/2023 14:39

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 19/12/2023 14:33

I don’t think thats the same at all.

If you have married someone , had kids with them, give up your career to promote their etc you have a lot invested. Plus there is a whole culture telling you that your kids need their dad and it’s every woman’s dream to be married.

It’s very hard ( of not impossible ) walk out of you have young kids and not enough money to keep a roof over their heads.

Its not the same as accepting that you are actually in a relationship with Brad Pitt and you need to stop sending him cash.

Show quote history

I take your point, but what I'm saying is that it's about creating a context and a dynamic (and I do think "in a relationship with Brad Pitt" is oversimplifying how the vast majority of romance scams work). These scams often work on another whole culture of everyone needing love and, of course, proving you aren't a heartless arsehole by withholding money when the person who made you feel special claims to need it.

People are acting as if victims just hand the money over with no context and no dynamic, and that's very rarely the case. The married woman constantly propping up her abusive layabout is sacrificing herself and her kids to fulfil whatever delusion or pressure she has - makes a few grand look a bit more understandable.

Cocolapew · 19/12/2023 14:40

I watched a video the other day of an American woman who was convinced that one of the male actors from Stranger Things was in touch with her.
I think she started to catch on but didn't want to lose face or lose the very small chance that it turn out to be true 🤨.
She sent him money because his girlfriend was controlling and he had no way to access it.
She even divorced her husband so they could get married once he got himself out of his girlfriendd clutches.

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/12/2023 14:41

PeppermintMandy · 19/12/2023 14:35

There are genuinely vulnerable people but I’m sick of hearing that a middle aged woman who is single is “vulnerable” and “lonely”. Being single doesn’t and shouldn’t mean lonely. The woman OP refers to had a great career, close family and an active social life. Plenty of people are married but extremely lonely because they have none of those things. It’s nearly 2024. We should have evolved past this thinking and financially, academically and socially successful women should have enough self esteem to not fall for a very over the top, completely unrealistic romantic fantasy. Especially when people they have known and loved for decades are telling them again and again that it’s a scam. There absolutely is an element of wilful cognitive dissonance going on.

It’s nearly 2024. We should have evolved past this thinking and financially, academically and socially successful women should have enough self esteem to not fall for a very over the top, completely unrealistic romantic fantasy.

We won't and we never will. However successful and full a life, romantic and sexual longing can never be erased. They are too intrinsically human. It should be a sign of just how powerful they are that such a successful and active woman could still be so vulnerable in this regard.