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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think some romance scam victims are simply stupid?

531 replies

TheAverageJoanne · 19/12/2023 10:38

At home today and have the TV on with For Love or Money about romance fraud. One victim is an international business development manager but gave £113000 to scammers, persuading her mother and sister to part with their savings

How far the love of Christ would you trust someone with a responsible job when they do this sort of thing and judgement flies out of the window?

I get there are people who are lonely and vulnerable but this one took me by total surprise. How could she have been so stupid? She received an email while waiting for him at the airport, showed it to airport staff who confirmed it was fake but still sent another £30000 to prevent airport staff at the other side from killing him. Jesus Christ.

OP posts:
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Crikeyalmighty · 22/08/2024 16:03

@SomeCatFromJapan yep that too

tuvamoodyson · 24/08/2024 13:08

maddening · 21/08/2024 21:37

Did the bank make her borrow £50k from her family- seriously people need to take responsibility

Exactly! People who shout ‘victim blaming!!’ when really, sometimes, just sometimes, it really, really is your own fault!

SomeCatFromJapan · 24/08/2024 14:34

I actually particularly battle to have sympathy for some of the men scammed on Catfished. Men in their sixties and seventies, sometimes with a wife, who think that some beautiful young woman is madly in love with them. Obviously very easy to play on someone's ego and letchery.

bruffin · 24/08/2024 18:01

SomeCatFromJapan · 24/08/2024 14:34

I actually particularly battle to have sympathy for some of the men scammed on Catfished. Men in their sixties and seventies, sometimes with a wife, who think that some beautiful young woman is madly in love with them. Obviously very easy to play on someone's ego and letchery.

No different to the women doing exactly the same .

SomeCatFromJapan · 24/08/2024 18:16

No different to the women doing exactly the same .

A lot of them seem more driven by loneliness and a need to take care of someone, so I have a bit more sympathy. Still a level of collusion in the whole thing though, I've said before I think it's more akin to addiction than fraud.

ObelixtheGaul · 24/08/2024 18:48

A lot of the time, though, we might imagine this is all two week's chat and then the begging starts, but these people are good at what they do. Sometimes they have spent a year or more sucking their victim in. Getting really close, building a relationship, getting someone to fall for them.

It seems obvious to the outsider, but I have seen programmes on this where the victim has been in constant internet conversation with the scammer for a very long time. Some say they were suspicious at first but as they got closer, they started to relax. They enjoyed time spent with Bobby Scammer. There was a valid reason they hadn't met IRL, usually distance/finance on both sides, or so they thought. Bobby Scammer doesn't push anything, gives plenty of realistic details about his life, and gradually gets his victim to the point where the 'relationship' is important to the victim.

Conversation then turns to serious effort to meet in person. Scammer knows the victim wants this. Perhaps Scammer invites the victim to come to America/Australia/wherever, knowing full well she can't because she's got X medical condition. She reminds him, he says, oh, of course. I'd come to you but money is tight, etc.

And then it starts. Victim is in deep at this point, will often have been forgoing friend and family time to chat with Bobby Scammer every night. If she wasn't vulnerable before, he's pushed her into a state of vulnerability simply by getting her to want to spend online time with him.

We all think we wouldn't fall for it under any circumstances, but when it's a massively gradual process, I can see how it happens. Not dissimilar to the charmers who are the perfect boyfriend until they move in.

When people have invested so much time in a relationship and become deeply in love, they aren't always rational. They might have been six months before when it was just a bit of flirty messages and they weren't really invested in it.
The warning bells might ring as the money requests come thick and fast, but the relationship you've had for a year can't all be lies, can it? You know there's something wrong, but you don't want there to be, because you don't want to lose the man who has been so perfect, so wonderful, so funny, he understood you so well, etc.

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