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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum's taxi for 18 year old daughter

245 replies

westendgirll · 19/12/2023 07:54

My daughter is home for the holidays after her first term at uni. Last night, she went out to see all her old school friends and told me that she was getting a lift home. However, the friend changed his mind and I got a message asking for a lift back at 11pm.

We live 2 miles from the town centre so I went and got her. My husband (her stepfather) did his nut because he thinks that she should have got a taxi back. I disagree because she was a woman on her own. He isn't talking to me this morning and is still very angry.

He keeps going on about how he wasn't given any lifts by his parents at the same age and his son was in the army in Iraq at 18!

I think it's no big deal and, as a woman, she is vulnerable from dodgy taxi drivers and drunks, etc,but he won't have it!

OP posts:
Hughs · 19/12/2023 13:43

It's none of his business whether you pick up your DD or not and very unpleasant to think that you doing your child a favour would make him so angry.

I pick up my DC and their friends too if they ask nicely and there's no good reason why not. Especially when the uni one comes home, I'm not worried about his safety but it's just a nice thing to do. DH is the same and picked DS up from uni to save him a few quid and having to lug all his stuff on the train. His friend had a lift with DH too, I don't see the problem at all. It's not like you're preventing her from becoming independent if she's already living away from home at uni. DH and I often pick each other up too, saves on taxi fares.

Wediblino7 · 19/12/2023 15:01

Don’t see his problem, he didn’t have to pick her up. I don’t have girls, but if one of my sons needed collecting, I’d go, no question.

SwimMum26 · 19/12/2023 15:11

Tell him to get over himself. My kids will always come first. Did he have to walk 5 miles barefoot in the snow to school too? A decent bloke would have offered to go
out and collect her. You are a great Mum. Keep doing you!!

magratvonlipwig · 19/12/2023 15:12

I'd go fetch any of my adult kids, if I was available, and they asked. Why should they get a taxi if I'm happy to help ?
If you want to do a nice thing for your daughter, you carry on.

Canisaysomething · 19/12/2023 15:14

He isn't talking to me this morning and is still very angry.

He’s an abusive arsehole. No one normal would care about their partner giving a lift to their own child at 11pm.

BohemondofAntioch · 19/12/2023 15:14

I've got to say your husband's reaction is bizarre. "Still very angry" the next morning? There's no reason to be angry at all. You did a kind thing for your daughter.

And the thing about fighting in Iraq is straight-up batshit.

KatieCelf · 19/12/2023 15:15

YANBU

perfectly legitimate reasons to be worried about her. You only have to be mugged once to never want to get in that situation again (speaking from experience)!

11pm isn’t even that late. I don’t understand why on earth he’s angry?! Sounds a bit of an over reaction!

also, just because they have “suffered” does not mean they have to impose that on others.

she’s your daughter and up to you to keep her safe. He has no clue what it’s like to be a young woman out at night. It can be extremely intimidating.

Canisaysomething · 19/12/2023 15:15

Not only would my own DH not care, he’d offer to go and collect her himself.

Bluebellsparklypant · 19/12/2023 15:20

She’s your daughter and he has no right at all to dictate what you do and don’t do - if you want to pick her up and know she’s safe then just ignore him (he sounds like a bit of a twat to be honest

this

pinkspeakers · 19/12/2023 15:24

I think you are both being unreasonable (but him much more so, by the sound of it).

I don't think there is any real reason for her not to get a taxi home alone. On the other hand, if you are happy to pick her up at 11pm that's fine to, provided she doesn't always expect you to do that for her. Hopefully sometimes she will return the favour?

whoscoatsthatjacket2012 · 19/12/2023 15:27

My DH would have offered to get her himself.
DD is lucky to have a great step dad.
Your husband is being ridiculous. What difference does it make to him if you pop out for 20 mins

Lovemusic82 · 19/12/2023 15:32

I would have licked my dd up. Really it’s none of her step dads business what you chose to do. Yes she could have got a taxi and it’s perfectly safe (my dd uses taxis when at uni) but taxis cost a fortune so I would have collected her.

HollyJollyHolidays · 19/12/2023 15:37

He is being a prick, might be wrong but it sounds like jealousy to me. I’d also be wondering why he has zero protective instincts for your daughter.

uclpp · 19/12/2023 15:49

your husband sounds like a stampy feet little prick

families give lifts

in the last week, I’ve picked my 45yo husband up from the station, my dh has taken my teenagers and their friends to a party and I took my mum to hospital today.

I remember my mum always saying to me that it doesn’t matter what time of day/night it is and doesn’t matter how far - just call her for a lift and be safe.

sounds like your husband’s son joined the army to get away from him

HolyZarquonsSingingSeals · 19/12/2023 15:49

Your husband is unreasonable. It's none of his business if you decide to pick up your daughter and you would be within your rights to point out that this is not Iraq and you are very glad of it. But please don't give your daughter the impression that taxis are inherently unsafe or that she shouldn't be out on her own.

honeyandfizz · 19/12/2023 15:51

I have a 19 yo DS and a 20 yo DD and give them lifts all the time. I could care not a jot what anybody else thinks, whether they are adults or not they are my kids and I will do as I wish as I would prefer the knowledge they are home safe. DD is at Uni and DS going next year so my lift giving days are limited now.

Derb · 19/12/2023 15:52

If my husband's lift got cancelled I'd go pick him up too, YANBU. Do you think your DH is a little jealous of your relationship with your DC?

I8toys · 19/12/2023 15:55

He sounds like a knob. Its different when they are back home to when they are at uni. They are under your roof again so you do wait for the key to go in the door. Its just how it is so lifts are part of the parent/young person deal!

Marwoodsbigbreak · 19/12/2023 16:01

Given it wasn’t that late, and she was only two miles away, I would have gone to get her too.

DH sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

Shodan · 19/12/2023 16:02

My dp would be collecting MY daughter, or son, in a heartbeat from town only 2 miles away before midnight! As he would for me, and I him.

Same here. Neither of us would think twice- it's what families do.

Like the times ds1 has picked me (and friends sometimes) up from a night out. 'Favours' returned.

OnMyHamptonWick · 19/12/2023 16:05

I'd have gone to get my daughter too. She's currently ten years younger than yours, but I have no intention of leaving her at the mercy of a taxi driver. My partner (not her father) is already talking about how he's going to give her lifts when she's in need of them. That's one thing I like about him. He understands as much as a man can how vulnerable women are.

Iwasafool · 19/12/2023 16:05

I'm gran's taxi to 19 year old GS who lives with me. I think you are unreasonable to think she needs more protection than an 18 year old boy. Boys are more at risk of violence not less. Other than that I don't know why your husband is so stressed about it, a 2 mile drive is hardly a big issue.

CrapBucket · 19/12/2023 16:06

I give my 17 and 18 year olds endless lifts, if they ask in advance - occasionally I warn them that I have plans and they make their own arrangements. And they still know they can call me in an emergency and I will sort something. It’s just what you do for your loved ones.

Pifful · 19/12/2023 16:06

Always puzzles me why some parents, men and women, think that because their own parents were mean or intolerant then that's how they should treat their own children.
When my DC came home from uni they were dropped off all the time (rural area, no buses, taxi upwards of £40). That included NYE when DH would heroically pick them up with friends and drive them home dropping off in several villages.

When I was a 17 year old in the 70s I got a taxi when travelling for work in a strange city. The driver took me to some wasteland, parked up and tried it on. I told him to get lost and he gave up and drove me to my destination. Only years later as an adult did I realise what a close shave I'd had.

Just make sure in future she plans ahead better as you don't want that phone call if you've had a drink.

Iwasafool · 19/12/2023 16:08

Menomeno · 19/12/2023 08:11

I’m with you. I’ve got a dd the same age and DH or I will pick her up if she’s out drinking and has to come home on her own. If she’s not drinking I’m happier for her to get a taxi but not if she’s had a few drinks as she’s vulnerable. She once told me that whenever she gets a taxi she pulls out a couple of strands of hair and puts it on the floor of the taxi so that if she gets murdered, there’s DNA evidence that she was in the taxi. It really shocked/upset me that she obviously feels so vulnerable.

I think I'd get her to take a photo of the reg no when the taxi picks her up. I'd rather put the driver off murdering her than have evidence he's done it.